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Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)


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For those of you who remember the last winter of discontent...

 

What's the difference between petrol and paraffin? 

 

 

There's 2 Fs in paraffin but there's no F in petrol. 

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These two eggs had just been married and were on their honeymoon. 

 

While they were sitting on the bed making out, the female egg pushed the male egg away and said, "I just have to go to the bathroom. I'll be back in a minute." And off she went. 

 

Five minutes later, the male egg saw his sexy wife walk out in a slinky 'egg'lige, wiping her hands up and down her smooth, oval-shaped body. 

 

Instantly, the male egg slapped his hands on top of his head, covering it completely. 

 

The female egg looked at him and asked what he was doing. 

 

He replied, "The last time I was this hard, someone cracked me on the head with a spoon!"

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jack D and coke
On 03/09/2020 at 20:57, superjack said:

Me and the wife were out for a meal. The waitress came over and asked if we were ready to order. I told her that the wife was in the toilet.

Waitress asked if I knew what she was having. I said, well she's been 10 minutes so probably a shite.

 

On 04/09/2020 at 09:59, narre said:

I was speaking to a Chinese bloke in the pub the other night.

I asked him what he does for a living

and he said, "I'm a Pirate."

I said, "Oh, you sail on a boat?

" He replied, "No, I fry pranes!"

Right up my street these :lol: 

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Went to get the playing cards out earlier and found that my wife had super glued them all together. I thought ‘I can’t deal with this’

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A white haired man walked into a jewellery shop
one Friday evening with a beautiful blonde on his arm.
He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for
his girlfriend.
The jeweller checked his stock and brought out a £1,500
ring.  The old man said he would like to see something more
special.
The jeweller returned with a £20,000 ring and the young
lady's eyes lit up.  The old man seeing this said 'we'll take it'.
The jeweller then asked about how payment would be made
and it was agreed he would pay by cheque, return on the
Monday afternoon to collect the ring once the bank verified funds.
On the Monday morning the jeweller phoned the old man and
told him there's no money in that account.

The old man said 'I know, but let me tell you about my weekend'!

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That moment when you slide the condom on and look at yourself in the mirror with a raging hardon...

 

Then you tell the chemist "I’ll take it!"

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Whilst on a ladder putting a cinema poster up, a lady came to me and asked,

"Is King Kong coming?"

 

I said, "No it's just the paste off my brush!"

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JudyJudyJudy
On 30/09/2021 at 17:30, Beni said:

Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.

 

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil.

😂😂😂😂😂

On 30/09/2021 at 20:31, jamboy1982 said:

Went to get the playing cards out earlier and found that my wife had super glued them all together. I thought ‘I can’t deal with this’

👍👍👍

14 hours ago, narre said:

I was picking up dog poo in the park this morning and thought to myself...

 

I should really get a dog!

😂😂

14 hours ago, narre said:

I don't know what they are teaching kids at school these days…

 

Half can't read, half can't write and the other half can't add!

😂😂

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So I saw this bloke by the shops dressed as Henry VIII.

He was sitting in the doorway asking people for money.

I thought, that can't be right - Beggars can't be Tudors?

 

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I was talking to this woman in a club.

She said, "I get horny every time I hear something sexual.

It's weird I know.

Anyway, what's your name?"

 

I replied, "Sir BJ Anal the 69th!"

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I was ironing in front of my front room window,

wearing nothing but nappies and a gas mask the other day.

I'm lucky nobody saw me, imagine the embarrassment - me, a full grown man...

 

...Ironing!

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Grandpa found Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet and asked if he could try one. 

The son said, "I don't know, they're very strong and expensive." 

"How much?" he asked. 

“£10 a pill,” the son said. 

"I don't care. I'll try one, and leave the money under your pillow.” 

The next morning the son found £110.00 under his pillow. 

He tells Grandpa, "I said each pill was £10.00, not £110.00." 

"I know, Grandpa replies, "the £100 is from grandma".

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While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with a cleavage to die for.
"I'm okay I think." I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head."
"That's nice of you," I answered, "But I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"My guess is that she's still in the ditch."

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7 minutes ago, dougal said:

I can't believe how rude the guy manning the suppository helpline was.

Very clever.  :clap: 

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I was at the zoo the other day and went to watch the monkeys w*nking.  Then I went to watch the lions. I was still w*nking.

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A family is at the dinner table.
The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”
The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases.
In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions.”
“Onions?” the son asks.
“Yes, you see them and they make you cry.”
This infuriated his wife and daughter.
The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?”
The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also.
In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.”
“A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks.
“Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

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15 minutes ago, superjack said:

A family is at the dinner table.
The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”
The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases.
In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions.”
“Onions?” the son asks.
“Yes, you see them and they make you cry.”
This infuriated his wife and daughter.
The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?”
The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also.
In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.”
“A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks.
“Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

😂😂

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A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, "hey, funny thing, we've got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "you've got a drink named Larry?"

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Two elderly men, a Hearts and a Hibs fan, are walking down the street where they live. An old dog who lives on the block is out on the stoop, and bends over and starts licking himself on the balls. 

 

The Hearts fan says, "hey, wouldn't it be great to be able to do that?"

 

The Hibs fan says, "I know what you mean, but the last time I tried it he barked and then bit me in the face."

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My mother in law and myself never got on, it was loggerheads everytime we met, one day she said

"when i die i will climb out my grave and haunt you"

Well she evenualy did die

I buried her face down, let her dig

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A Boy Named Crow
On 23/10/2021 at 21:22, superjack said:

My mother in law and myself never got on, it was loggerheads everytime we met, one day she said

"when i die i will climb out my grave and haunt you"

Well she evenualy did die

I buried her face down, let her dig

Thanks for the tip!

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A man is out walking his dog when the Man Utd score comes in, 5-0 to Liverpool.

The dog bares his teeth, growls & goes into a frenzied rage.

A passer by see this & asks, "Jesus what does the dog do if Man Utd win?"

"I don’t know," says the man. "I've only had it since August!"

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In an attempt to use sex to encourage me to do some jobs in and around the house,

my wife walked up to me and said, "I'll make you a deal.

You go outside and cut the hedges, and I'll shave my pussy."

 

I replied, "Don't be stupid. We can't both use the hedge trimmer at once!"

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The missus brought home a tub of ice cream and asked if I wanted some.

"How hard is it?" I asked.

She cheekily replied,

"As hard as your knob when you're thinking about me naked."

 

I said, "Ok, pour me a glass!"

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Sawdust Caesar

Alfred Clampitt, a six foot 4 inch, hairy drunk who has halitosis, BO, dandruff, fleas and a nasty temper, was named by police today as Britain's most unwanted man.

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I started a pessimism jar.  It's like a swear jar where you put money in if you have negative thoughts.

 

I've only had it a couple of days and it's already half empty.

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