Jump to content

Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)


Unknown user

Recommended Posts

I was getting a hand job off my new girlfriend when I asked,

"How are you so good at this?"

"Years of practice," she replied.

"Bit of a player in your day?" I laughed.

"No, I used to be a bloke!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Replies 5.7k
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

  • narre

    629

  • superjack

    628

  • Morgan

    283

  • Carl Fredrickson

    240

Top Posters In This Topic

Posted Images

132goals1958
On 27/03/2021 at 23:36, narre said:

Whilst doing a crossword I asked the wife,

"What's a 4 letter word for a female relative, ends in UNT?"

My wife said, "Aunt?"

 

I said, "Pass the tippex!"

  

Old lady sitting in the train doing a crossword . Puzzled look 👀 on her face . 3 across. —- Found at the bottom of a budgies cage —- something something it. . One of the passengers says grit. . Oh dear anyone got an eraser please 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I was out for a walk in the country with the wife, when we stopped for a rest.

"This is where I first had sex.", I said, and pointing to a tree, "Her mother was standing over there."

"What!  Didn't she say anything?", asked the wife?

"Baaa".

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The Real Maroonblood
3 hours ago, narre said:

I was getting a hand job off my new girlfriend when I asked,

"How are you so good at this?"

"Years of practice," she replied.

"Bit of a player in your day?" I laughed.

"No, I used to be a bloke!

:rofl:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Two police officers knock on the door of a man’s house.

“Is this your wife?” they ask, holding up a photo.

“Yes”, replies the man.

“Well, I’m afraid it looks like she’s been hit by a bus,” they say.

“Well, yes,” says the man, “but she’s got a lovely personality.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Paddy was working at the sewage farm, when his jacket fell in a tank of shit.

He dives in, and after almost drowning manages to grab his coat and climb out.

His pal says, "Jesus Paddy, I would have just left the jacket."

Paddy says, "I would have, but my sandwiches were in the pocket."

Link to comment
Share on other sites

John Gentleman

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

John Gentleman

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

rudi must stay

Two Cows In A Field Which Ones On Holiday?

 

The one with the wee calf

 

What Did The Robot say To The Petrol Pump?

 

Take your finger out your ear when I'm talking to you 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My friend lost his ear in an accident and had to have a pigs ear transplanted on.

I asked him if it was working ok.

He said, "It's fine apart from a bit of crackling!"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

"Dad, how comes my sister is called Teresa?"

"Because your mum loves Easter and it's an anagram of Easter."

 

"Thanks Dad." "No problem Alan!"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 hours ago, 1953 said:

Does anybody know where I'll can buy a longer dipstick for my car as the current one no longer reaches the oil!

just buy another one and tape them together

Link to comment
Share on other sites

38 minutes ago, milky_26 said:

just buy another one and tape them together

Ah right, a dipstick extension, hadn't thought of that!😂

Link to comment
Share on other sites

scott herbertson
3 hours ago, 1953 said:

Does anybody know where I'll can buy a longer dipstick for my car as the current one no longer reaches the oil!

 

 

this one's pretty long

 

15 brilliant things you probably didn't know about Only Fools and Horses -  MyLondon

 

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Jennifer, a manager at a local Aldi store, had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of CV's she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.*
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'
The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.'
'That's very good!' replied Jennifer. 'And, now you sir?', she asked the second man.
'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'
'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed.'
She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.
'Well, out at my dad's property, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.
Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. 'It is hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.
Turning to Wally, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.
Old Wally replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHOEA.'
'WHAT !?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response.
'Oh sure', said Wally. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit myself..'
Wally is now working at an Aldi near you!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The Real Maroonblood
2 hours ago, superjack said:

Jennifer, a manager at a local Aldi store, had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of CV's she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.*
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'
The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.'
'That's very good!' replied Jennifer. 'And, now you sir?', she asked the second man.
'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'
'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed.'
She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.
'Well, out at my dad's property, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.
Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. 'It is hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.
Turning to Wally, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.
Old Wally replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHOEA.'
'WHAT !?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response.
'Oh sure', said Wally. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit myself..'
Wally is now working at an Aldi near you!

😄

Link to comment
Share on other sites

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his (laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, 'What the heck is going on here?'

The drunk, still staring down replied: 'I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost.'

Link to comment
Share on other sites

4 hours ago, superjack said:

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his (laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, 'What the heck is going on here?'

The drunk, still staring down replied: 'I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost.'

 

Hilarious. :rofl:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A Celtic fan wearing the hoops goes into a shop and asks for a pound of mince.

The shop keeper says, "We don't have any mince I'm afraid".

"In that case I'll have sausages then", he says.

"Sorry", says the shop keeper, "We don't have any sausages either I'm afraid".

Starting to become irate he says, "Bullshit...I bet if a Rangers fan walks in here you'll have mince and sausages".

The shop keeper says assuringly, "No that's not the case at all".

"Why not", asks the curious Celtic fan.

"Because you're in Halfords"..... 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Two prostitutes are standing on a corner. One says,

"Tonight is gonna be a good night. I can smell the dick in the air."

 

The other says, "Sorry, I just burped!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A guy is having a check up at the doctors.

"Do you think I will have a long and healthy life?" "I doubt it," says the doctor, shaking his head.

"Mercury is in Uranus right now."

"I don't believe in that astrology crap, doc."

"Yeah, neither do I. My thermometer just broke!"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I tried explaining to my 4 year old nephew that its perfectly normal to accidently poop your pants ....
but he's still making fun of me.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Two old ladies chatting in a cafe, one says to the other "did you come on the bus?"
"Yes" she says, "but I managed to pass it off as an asthma attack".

Link to comment
Share on other sites

rudi must stay
On 02/04/2021 at 23:13, narre said:

"Dad, how comes my sister is called Teresa?"

"Because your mum loves Easter and it's an anagram of Easter."

 

"Thanks Dad." "No problem Alan!"

 

My favourite joke on here 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink. The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead.

 

The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some khakis that are hung out to dry, and puts on pants, a shirt, and a hat. He sits on a chair by the campfire and grabs a copy of the local paper, pretending to read, to hide his face.

 

The lion enters the campsite and lets out a huge roar. He yells, "did anyone see a gorilla run through here?" The gorilla, in full disguise, calls out, "you mean the one that ****ed the lion up the ass?" The lion exclaims, "oh my god! It's in the paper already?"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, Nobreath said:

A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink. The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead.

 

The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some khakis that are hung out to dry, and puts on pants, a shirt, and a hat. He sits on a chair by the campfire and grabs a copy of the local paper, pretending to read, to hide his face.

 

The lion enters the campsite and lets out a huge roar. He yells, "did anyone see a gorilla run through here?" The gorilla, in full disguise, calls out, "you mean the one that ****ed the lion up the ass?" The lion exclaims, "oh my god! It's in the paper already?"

:rofl:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful coffee slice complimentary from the last shop. She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.

She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you'll now be his full time carer!'

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.

The female doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He died an hour ago. What did you buy?'

Link to comment
Share on other sites

21 hours ago, rudi must stay said:

 

My favourite joke on here 

Straight over my head, that one🤔

Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 13/04/2021 at 07:44, Nobreath said:

A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink. The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead.

 

The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some khakis that are hung out to dry, and puts on pants, a shirt, and a hat. He sits on a chair by the campfire and grabs a copy of the local paper, pretending to read, to hide his face.

 

The lion enters the campsite and lets out a huge roar. He yells, "did anyone see a gorilla run through here?" The gorilla, in full disguise, calls out, "you mean the one that ****ed the lion up the ass?" The lion exclaims, "oh my god! It's in the paper already?"

Brilliant😆

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I once went out with a nurse.

One night whilst in the hospital carpark, I got down on one knee and asked for her hand in marriage...

She turned me down on medical grounds!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun.

“Well,” says the bus driver, “every night at 8 o’clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I’m sure you could convince her to have sex with you.”

The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her.

“Oh, God!” she exclaims. “Take me with you!” The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they’re getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it’s over, the man pulls off his God disguise.

“Ha, ha! I’m the man from the bus!”

“Ha, ha!” says the nun, removing her costume. “I’m the bus driver!”

Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 minutes ago, narre said:

I once went out with a nurse.

One night whilst in the hospital carpark, I got down on one knee and asked for her hand in marriage...

She turned me down on medical grounds!

 

I went out with a woman who made moonshine.  She treated me badly - but I loved her still.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Interviewer: "I heard you were extremely quick at maths."

 

Me: "Yes as a matter of fact I am."

 

Interviewer: "What's 14x27?"

 

Me: "49."

 

Interviewer: "That's not even close."

 

 

me:"Yeah, but it was fast!"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Took my son out for his first pint today.

Got him a Fosters. He didn't like it so I had it.

Got him a Carlsberg. He didn't like that either, so I had that as well.

Same was with the Cider and Guinness...

 

By the time we got to the whiskey I could hardly push the pram!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Earlier today I saw a bloke running down the road with a cape on.

 

I shouted, "Are you a superhero?"

 

He replied, "No. I haven't paid for my haircut!"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 hours ago, narre said:

Earlier today I saw a bloke running down the road with a cape on.

 

I shouted, "Are you a superhero?"

 

He replied, "No. I haven't paid for my haircut!"

Was he running backwards. :)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Ron Burgundy

Can someone please confirm if I am spelling " misogynist" correctly.

Preferably get an answer from a bloke cos I want to make sure it's right.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I was stood in the queue for the barbers this morning. The line just kept getting longer and longer. Eventually the owner came out and started handing out hot dogs,burgers and chicken wings......it was the best barber queue ever!!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archeologists in Egypt have uncovered a tomb with the mummified remains covered in chocolate and hazelnut.
They believe he was the pharaoh rocher.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.




×
×
  • Create New...