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Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)


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Robbo-Jambo
5 hours ago, narre said:

The actor who played Captain Kirk in Star Trek has announced

that his women’s lingerie business has been a total failure...

In hindsight, maybe 'Shatner Knickers' wasn't the best name for the venture!

🤣 Keep them coming mate 👍

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6 hours ago, narre said:

The actor who played Captain Kirk in Star Trek has announced

that his women’s lingerie business has been a total failure...

In hindsight, maybe 'Shatner Knickers' wasn't the best name for the venture!

True story... I used to work on a radio station and every day there was a 'name game'. Usual stuff, a few clues.. But the best one was, after a liquid lunch, we gave the first clue as "bill went to the toilet on a female" 

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5 hours ago, LeftBack said:

True story... I used to work on a radio station and every day there was a 'name game'. Usual stuff, a few clues.. But the best one was, after a liquid lunch, we gave the first clue as "bill went to the toilet on a female" 


What was the answer? 🧐

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1 hour ago, Swanny17 said:


What was the answer? 🧐

 

"Shatner Shatner" would be my wild guess.

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39 minutes ago, Maple Leaf said:

 

"Shatner Shatner" would be my wild guess.

 

12 minutes ago, stu said:


 

:facepalm:


whooooooooosh 😂

 

:facepalm: 

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My dad told me his password is: MickeyMinnieGoofyDonaldPlutoHueyLouieDeweyDublin.

When I asked why, he said,

"Because I was told my password had to contain 8 characters and at least one Capital!"

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My wife told me our neighbour kisses his wife goodbye on the steps every morning,

and asked me why I don’t do the same,

 

 

but I don’t know her that well

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8 hours ago, narre said:

My wife told me our neighbour kisses his wife goodbye on the steps every morning,

and asked me why I don’t do the same,

 

 

but I don’t know her that well

When I first started seeing my now wife, after a night out I walked her home and kissed her on the door step.

She said why don't you kiss me on the lips.

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5 hours ago, superjack said:

When I first started seeing my now wife, after a night out I walked her home and kissed her on the door step.

She said why don't you kiss me on the lips.

I used to kiss her on the lips,but it's all over now.

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Two guys are driving home from work and pass a house where two dogs are going hard at it on the front lawn, doggy-style of course.

One guy says, "That looks interesting, let's suggest it to our wives tonight."

The other replies, "OK, we'll compare notes tomorrow morning."

Next morning one of them says, "So, how did things go last night?"

"OK, eventually," came the reply, "but it took half a bottle of whisky before I got her out on the front lawn."

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Two drunk nipples walk into a bar.

“Give us two pints of beer, barman!”, one says.

“No chance”, says the barman. “You’re both off your tits...”

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My aunt has been in hospital recently.

She’s doing okay and has been passing the time by playing board games

such as backgammon, draughts and mah-jongg.

 

“Any chess?”

 

“No, she went private”.

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A man walks into a bar with a piece of tarmac over his shoulder.

He says to the barman: “I’ll have a pint of lager please and one for the road”.

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18 minutes ago, narre said:

My aunt has been in hospital recently.

She’s doing okay and has been passing the time by playing board games

such as backgammon, draughts and mah-jongg.

 

“Any chess?”

 

“No, she went private”.

Nice.

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I was watching an Australian cookery show and the audience clapped when 1 of the chefs made a meringue.
I found this weird, as an Australian will normally boo meringue.

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I P Knightley
1 hour ago, superjack said:

I was watching an Australian cookery show and the audience clapped when 1 of the chefs made a meringue.
I found this weird, as an Australian will normally boo meringue.

Similar to a Milton Jones gag:

 

I've just realised that the word "Boo" is aboriginal for 'come back' because when you throw an ordinary meringue...

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I saw a young girl busking today with a great voice.

"Any requests?" she asked the watching crowd.

"Your thong," I replied with a wink.

Everyone gasped in horror, and the girl slapped me.

It's tough being an Elton John fan with a lisp!

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A wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the Halloween party alone.

He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided go to the party.

As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice 'bursd' he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and made passionate love in the back seat.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. 'Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.'

Then she asked, 'Did you dance much?'

He replied, I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening.'

'You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!' she said with unashamed sarcasm.

To which the husband replied, 'Actually, I gave my costume to your brother, apparently he had the time of his life.'

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A priest, a vicar and a rabbit went to the vaccine clinic.

”What blood group are you?” they were asked.

”I’m probably a type O” sighed the rabbit.

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3 hours ago, FWJ said:

A priest, a vicar and a rabbit went to the vaccine clinic.

”What blood group are you?” they were asked.

”I’m probably a type O” sighed the rabbit.

Rabbit you say? Not my favourite sex toy but it's up there.

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Dagger Is Back

The man who makes the giant eclairs at our local patisserie is retiring next week


There'll be some big chouxs to fill when he goes

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Went out with this girl who had horrific diarrhoea and liked doing parachute jumps for charity. All was going well until she shat on me from a great height. 

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Essential journey?' the Police asked me at the checkpoint. 'No,' I said, turning down the CD player, 'It's their 1983 album Frontiers.'
 

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10 hours ago, JWL said:

Went out with this girl who had horrific diarrhoea and liked doing parachute jumps for charity. All was going well until she shat on me from a great height. 

The Story Behind the Cheerleader with Diarrhea Picture on Facebook

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1 hour ago, Costanza said:

Essential journey?' the Police asked me at the checkpoint. 'No,' I said, turning down the CD player, 'It's their 1983 album Frontiers.'
 

i like that one

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I was singing Barry White songs at a Karaoke last night when the crowd shouted,
 "You are soul."
I think they loved me.

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Bunny Munro
On 19/03/2021 at 21:26, superjack said:

Did you hear that Sting has been kidnapped?
Police have no lead.

 

On 20/03/2021 at 12:22, LeftBack said:

Panic over. They got a message in a bottle 

There was a sting in an adult sauna.

Someone got a massage in a brothel, and now the police have no lead.

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On 20/03/2021 at 02:31, narre said:

A man couldn't satisfy his wife so goes to buy the biggest dildo he can.

After looking round he spots one on the counter - Chrome colour, 6" wide, 18" long with a detatchable foreskin.

"I'll take it!" he says.

The guy on the till says,

"You can't have that sir. Thats my flask!"

It was tartan with a white top when I was a lad.

 

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11 minutes ago, jb102 said:

It was tartan with a white top when I was a lad.

 

Was it painful at all?

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2 minutes ago, superjack said:

Was it painful at all?

Don't judge others by your own standards.

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Whilst doing a crossword I asked the wife,

"What's a 4 letter word for a female relative, ends in UNT?"

My wife said, "Aunt?"

 

I said, "Pass the tippex!"

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Auldbenches
21 hours ago, jb102 said:

Don't judge others by your own standards.

😄  one of the funniest things on this thread.  

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10 hours ago, 1953 said:

No more Suez Canal jokes please, that ship has sailed!

there will be some still floating about

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45 minutes ago, Stuart Lyon said:

To celebrate I think we should push the boat out!

Off course.

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A policeman sees a couple cycling along on a tandem, and then sees the bloke cycling it alone later that same day. He races after the guy, pulls him over, and says he thinks the guy's wife may have fallen off the back. "Oh thank goodness for that" says the cyclist. Surprised by the response, the policeman asks him to explain himself. "I thought I'd gone deaf" replies the guy.  

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