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Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)


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Little Patrick asks his Dad for a new bike, "We'd get you one son but our mortgage is £100,000 and your Mum's lost her job".

Next morning Patrick's walking out with his suitcase packed and his Dad asks where he is going, "I walked past your room last night and I heard you telling Mum that you were pulling out, then I heard Mum telling you she was coming too! I'm not staying here on my own with a £100,000 morgage and no bike!"

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My wife has been missing for over a week,

and this morning the police said I should prepare myself for the worst...

So, I'm heading to the charity shop to get her clothes back!

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My wife just asked me if her appendix scar made her look unattractive...

Apparently the response of, "Dont worry babe, your tits cover it!" wasn't the answer she was looking for!

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5 hours ago, narre said:

My wife has been missing for over a week,

and this morning the police said I should prepare myself for the worst...

So, I'm heading to the charity shop to get her clothes back!

Gold!  :biggrin2:

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Italian fella: "When I finish makin aluv toa ma girlfriend I gently tickle the back of her knees, she floats 6 inches above the bed in ecstasy!"

French fella: "Zat iz nothin, when I finish with ze girl I kis her all ze way down her body an lick ze soles of her feet, she floats 12 inches above the bed in ecstasy!"

Englishman: "When I've done riding our lass I wipe me knob on the curtains. She hits tha f*ckin roof!"

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I'm sick of people knocking on my door begging.

Theres just been a woman asking for donations for a sperm bank...

I gave her a right mouthful!

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The Real Maroonblood
5 minutes ago, narre said:

My wife kicked me out of the house for measuring my penis...

For the record, it reaches the back of her sister's throat!

:lol:

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Dagger Is Back

The wife and I have started joinery lessons.


One of the neighbours said “I didn’t know you were carpenters”

 

I said “We’ve only just begun”

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I BEFORE E

 

except when your weirdly conceited feisty neighbour Keith receives eight counterfeit caffeinated beige sleighs from some inconceivably deceitful foreign weightlifters.

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As I walked into work, my colleague said,

"Mark you look like shit."

"Last night was fluking crazy."

"What happened?"

"Me, my mates Steve and Trevor got very drunk & went back to Trevors girlfriends flat for a threesome."

"Don't you mean a foursome?" "No mate. She was out!"

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Last night I told my wife I was feeling horny.

"Well, we can soon sort that out," she said with a wink, and slowly undressed.

buck me, she was right...

I stopped feeling horny immediately!

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My 4 year old was struggling to open a yoghurt lid today

when he suddenly mumbled, "Flucking shitty lid!"

My wife immediately looked at me and said, "I wonder where he got that from?"

I replied, "The flucking fridge, you silly bunt!"

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I'm a bit down today. Someone intentionally spread glue all over my favourite deck of cards, and I'm finding it hard to deal with.

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132goals1958

It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cockey

 

But I have turned myself around

And that's what it's all about   

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The driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig, and plowed into an empty toll booth, smashing it to pieces. 
Sometime after the driver had reported the damage, he watched as a repair truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers. 
They picked up each broken piece of the wreckage and spread a creamy substance on it. 
Then they began fitting the pieces together. 
In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new. 
“Astonishing!” said the truck driver to the crew chief. “What was the white stuff you used to stick all the pieces together?” 
The crew chief said, “Oh, that was tollgate booth paste.”

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Dagger Is Back

Every 10 years you get a form to fill in from the Government 

 

John Denver has just completed ours

 

He filled up our Census

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Dagger Is Back

The wife and I have started joinery lessons

 

One of the neighbours said “I didn’t know you were carpenters”

 

I said “We’ve only just begun”

 

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1 hour ago, Dagger Is Back said:

The wife and I have started joinery lessons

 

One of the neighbours said “I didn’t know you were carpenters”

 

I said “We’ve only just begun”

 

 

1 hour ago, Dagger Is Back said:

Is it true an apple a day keeps the doctor away?

 

Or is it one of Granny’s myths?

 

 

You posted those 2 last week mate. :D 

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Worthing Jambo
9 minutes ago, Lemongrab said:

 

 

You posted those 2 last week mate. :D 

Repeat prescription for the chuckle muscles?

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Robbo-Jambo
On 10/03/2021 at 21:30, narre said:

I'm sick of people knocking on my door begging.

Theres just been a woman asking for donations for a sperm bank...

I gave her a right mouthful!

😁

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A priest, a pastor, and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood.

The nurse asked the rabbit, "What's your blood type?"

"I'm probably a Type O," said the rabbit.

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On 12/03/2021 at 20:22, Ulysses said:

I BEFORE E

 

except when your weirdly conceited feisty neighbour Keith receives eight counterfeit caffeinated beige sleighs from some inconceivably deceitful foreign weightlifters.

 

I want to be there when you crack that one at your next dinner party.

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willie wallace
7 hours ago, Dagger Is Back said:

Every 10 years you get a form to fill in from the Government 

 

John Denver has just completed ours

 

He filled up our Census

 

7 hours ago, Dagger Is Back said:

The wife and I have started joinery lessons

 

One of the neighbours said “I didn’t know you were carpenters”

 

I said “We’ve only just begun”

 

😀😀 

    I can see the the younger members struggling with these two.

Unfortunately i remember them well.😥

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A man and his wife are getting ready for a party...

Wife: "Does this dress make me look fat?"

Man: "Do you promise not to get mad no matter what I say?"

Wife: "Yes, I promise!"

Man: "I flucked your sister!"

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The Real Maroonblood
On 18/03/2021 at 04:09, narre said:

A man and his wife are getting ready for a party...

Wife: "Does this dress make me look fat?"

Man: "Do you promise not to get mad no matter what I say?"

Wife: "Yes, I promise!"

Man: "I flucked your sister!"

:rofl:

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Can cold water really clean dishes?
This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean. 
John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area. 
After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?" His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get 'em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"
For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"
Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get em. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear 'nother word about it!" 
Later that afternoon, as John was on his way leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car". 
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted ....
"COLDWATER! SIT!!..

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A man couldn't satisfy his wife so goes to buy the biggest dildo he can.

After looking round he spots one on the counter - Chrome colour, 6" wide, 18" long with a detatchable foreskin.

"I'll take it!" he says.

The guy on the till says,

"You can't have that sir. Thats my flask!"

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My missus said, "Will you shut up about snooker and make love to me!"

"Of course love," I replied.

"Would you prefer I took the easy pink or shall I try for the tight brown?"

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14 hours ago, superjack said:

Did you hear that Sting has been kidnapped?
Police have no lead.

Panic over. They got a message in a bottle 

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I put a net up in my back garden to see if I could catch the grim reaper.
Bloody council told me to take it down, apparently it’s a death trap.

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The actor who played Captain Kirk in Star Trek has announced

that his women’s lingerie business has been a total failure...

In hindsight, maybe 'Shatner Knickers' wasn't the best name for the venture!

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