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Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)


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24 minutes ago, narre said:

I rang the RSPCA hotline to tell them I'd just found six badgers in a suitcase by the road.

"Are they moving?" asked the operator.

"I'm not certain," I replied.

"But that would explain the suitcase!"

I rang the sspca last weekend. I was walking along leith links and seen the hibs starting 11 kicking around a hedgehog. When the sspca got there, the hedgehog was winning 5 1.

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willie wallace
4 hours ago, John Gentleman said:

John Travolta tested negative for Covid-19 last night. Turns out it was just Saturday night fever.

 

Can't believe it has taken nearly a year for this to turn up👍

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5 hours ago, narre said:

It was 11 years ago today that my pal James came running out the room shouting,

"It's a boy, it's a boy!"with tears streaming down his face...

We never went back to Thailand!

🤣🤣

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Whilst chatting to my mate on Zoom last night, he said,

"Who's the bird sitting in the corner with duct tape across her mouth?"

"That's my new girlfriend," I replied.

"Really?" he said. "You've kept that one quiet!"

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I came out of the toilet earlier, did up my zip and said,

"I'd give it ten minutes.

" My wife said, "Urgh, have you done a smelly shit?"

I said, "No, your sister's putting her knickers back on!"

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On 26/08/2015 at 16:05, sandyk said:

What do you call a deer with no eyes

 

No idea

What do you a deer with no eyes and no legs? 

 

Still no idea. 

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On 23/10/2015 at 07:16, Swanny17 said:

What's the difference between a duck?

 

One of its feet is both the same.

Did you ever explain this, Swanny. 

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I went to a restaurant last night. The owner asked "are you ok to wait"? 

"Of course" I said.

"Great, take these drinks to table 4".

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Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news.
The donkey's died.'
Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.' The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.' Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.' The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?' Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'
Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, ' What happened with that dead donkey?'
Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £2 each and made a profit of £898'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won, so I gave him his £2 back....

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I've started using garlic in my magic act...

First I start by crushing it, adding basil and some pine nuts,

and then I blend them altogether with some parmesan and olive oil...

Then hey, pesto!

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A man walks up to a woman in a nightclub and says,

"Hi, the name's Bond."

She says, "Don't tell me - your first name's James?"

"No," he replies. "It's Uni - I'm here to fill your crack!"

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The Real Maroonblood
1 hour ago, narre said:

A man walks up to a woman in a nightclub and says,

"Hi, the name's Bond."

She says, "Don't tell me - your first name's James?"

"No," he replies. "It's Uni - I'm here to fill your crack!"

😀

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  • 2 weeks later...

Someone offered me a broken telly for nothing today, the only thing wrong with it was a broken volume button.

I thought, how can I turn that down?

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A dyslexic kid asked his mum if he could have McDonalds for tea. She said "fine, I will get you that if you can spell it". He replied "Oh for heaven's sake, forget it, I'll just have KCF then".

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My son has just come home carrying a sofa and an arm chair.

He said, "Someone has just given me these."

So I grounded him... I've warned him about accepting suites from strangers!

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I bought a new laptop & it has a fingerprint scanner instead of a password.

Naturally I used my penis as the fingerprint.

Every time I open it I have to press my penis against the scanner.

It was the funniest thing I'd ever done.

Slipped my mind that I have to take it to work!

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willie wallace
14 hours ago, CostaJambo said:

A dyslexic kid asked his mum if he could have McDonalds for tea. She said "fine, I will get you that if you can spell it". He replied "Oh for heaven's sake, forget it, I'll just have KCF then".

😀😀

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I phoned my local chippy last night and asked “do you do takeaway?”

 

“Yes, of course” the man replied.

 

”Great, well can you tell me, what’s 163 - 27?” 

 

 

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Just a quick update to let everyone know how I am.  I was admitted to hospital this morning and they are keeping me in, I have only gone and poisoned myself.

What I thought was an onion turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out sometime in the spring.

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On 09/11/2020 at 17:34, Sawdust Caesar said:

The wife said to me last night. "If you turn the bedside lamp off, I'll take it up the arse".

 

Maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first...

🤣

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There's nothing worse after sex than looking down and seeing that limp used condom hanging off your dick...

Especially when you weren't wearing one when you started!

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A Boy Named Crow
On 28/01/2021 at 13:57, narre said:

I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious.

I used to be pretentious,  but non maintenant 

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Knock Knock? 

Who's there?

Banana

Banana who?

 

Knock Knock?

Who's there?

Banana

Banana who?

 

Knock knock?

Who's there?

Banana

Banana who?

 

Knock Knock?

Who's there?

Banana

Banana who?

 

Knock Knock?

Who's there?

Orange

Orange who?

Orange you glad I never said banana again

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scott herbertson
8 hours ago, No Idle Talk said:

Knock Knock? 

Who's there?

Banana

Banana who?

 

Knock Knock?

Who's there?

Banana

Banana who?

 

Knock knock?

Who's there?

Banana

Banana who?

 

Knock Knock?

Who's there?

Banana

Banana who?

 

Knock Knock?

Who's there?

Orange

Orange who?

Orange you glad I never said banana again

 

 

The old ones are the worst

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"Mummy, where do babies come from?

" "Well, daddies make sperm and put it inside mummies."

"Do mummies eat it?"

"Only if they want new shoes!"

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A man sees a lady with big breasts. He asks, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for £1000?"

She agrees. She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes.

Eventually the lady asks,

"Aren't you gonna bite them?"

He replies, "No, it's too expensive!"

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Robbo-Jambo
50 minutes ago, narre said:

A man sees a lady with big breasts. He asks, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for £1000?"

She agrees. She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes.

Eventually the lady asks,

"Aren't you gonna bite them?"

He replies, "No, it's too expensive!"

🤣

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7 hours ago, narre said:

A man sees a lady with big breasts. He asks, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for £1000?"

She agrees. She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes.

Eventually the lady asks,

"Aren't you gonna bite them?"

He replies, "No, it's too expensive!"

 

👏😄

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Not really a joke just an amusing sign...or a very niche market.

May be an image of text that says "Sign language DONALD RITCH PROPRIETOR 14 FURV EYOR OF FLAT FINE MEATS & CAPS TURPENTINE YOU NAME IT, I SELL IT: Seen at Unst on the Shetland Isles by Mrs M. Featherstone of Spalding, Lincs."

Edited by Boof
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My mate donald was born with no eye lids, so they circumcised him to get something to make eye lids out of.

It was sort of a success, now he's just a little cock eyed.

Edited by superjack
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I P Knightley
15 hours ago, superjack said:

My mate donald was born with no eye lids, so they circumcised him to get something to make eye lids out of.

It was sort of a success, now he's just a little cock eyed.

I was expecting a punchline involving lots of blinking and shooting his load in his undercrackers.

 

"Cock-eyed" is less contrived, though.

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A penguin takes his car to a mechanic, complaining that the engine is spraying oil. The mechanic says, "It'll take me a hour to get to it and have a look. Why don't you go to the cafe across the street and wait, and I'll ring you on your mobile." The penguin gives him his number, then goes for some lunch. He orders a vanilla ice cream cone for dessert, and just as he start to eat it, the mechanic calls. He hurries from the cafe, quickly and sloppily finishing his ice cream cone. He walks up to the mechanic and asks, "So what do you think?" The mechanic looks at him and says, "Looks like you've blown a seal", to which the penguin get get very defensive, wipes his mouth and says, "No, I was just eating some ice cream."

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So my wife said to me earlier “what’s your view on Euthanasia?”

 

“I guess they’re mostly a pleasant bunch” I replied. 

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Totally appreciate what he did and upmost respect. But I didn't think it could get worse for Simon Weston. He was buying champagne and booking holidays after winning the pools. But when he went to collect his money he remembered he had burnt his coupon. 

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The wife came back from the doctors in tears . She said the doctor passed her a note saying she had a nice f@nny and she needs  pumped everyday. Turns out she has acute angina and dyslexia 

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Told my mate that I had taken the wife to North Wales for a romantic weekend.

 

”Bangor” he replied.

 

Till it hurt I said

 

 

 

 

 

 

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