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Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)


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1 hour ago, I P Knightley said:

There are serious problems in the supply chain of he Covid vaccine.

 

The Pfizer Chiefs have predicted a riot.

I'm happy to wait if you wanna come back with a better vaccine joke than that...

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I've just been offered a job making plastic draculas...
Theres only 2 of us on the production line,so I'll be making every second count ...

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I P Knightley
1 hour ago, narre said:

A fortune teller told me that, in 12 years time, I'd suffer terrible heartbreak...

So to cheer myself up, I bought a puppy!

Ouch!!

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2 hours ago, narre said:

A fortune teller told me that, in 12 years time, I'd suffer terrible heartbreak...

So to cheer myself up, I bought a puppy!

 

OK, the thread title is "crap jokes", but .... :sad:

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13 minutes ago, Maple Leaf said:

 

OK, the thread title is "crap jokes", but .... :sad:

I actually thought it was 1 of narres better jokes. Nowhere near as good as mine though, but still not bad.

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34 minutes ago, superjack said:

I actually thought it was 1 of narres better jokes. Nowhere near as good as mine though, but still not bad.

 

There have been some belters on the thread, for sure, but I have a soft spot for dogs.  :527:

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Stood at the bar minding my own when a lovely young lady asked me "You smell really nice, what have you got on"?

 

I replied "I've got a Hard on but I didn't think you could smell it".

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7 minutes ago, Pans Jambo said:

Stood at the bar minding my own when a lovely young lady asked me "You smell really nice, what have you got on"?

 

I replied "I've got a Hard on but I didn't think you could smell it".

A girl came up to me and said she loved my aftershave and asked what it was called. I told her it was called "come to me". She replied "doesn't smell like cum to me".

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I though that I might have Covid as I had a persistent cough.   It's OK though as I coughed up a Pathologist.   Turns out I had coroner virus.

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A Boy Named Crow
19 hours ago, narre said:

A fortune teller told me that, in 12 years time, I'd suffer terrible heartbreak...

So to cheer myself up, I bought a puppy!

 

18 hours ago, I P Knightley said:

Ouch!!

 

17 hours ago, Maple Leaf said:

 

OK, the thread title is "crap jokes", but .... :sad:

I've got a wee dug, and she's cracking, but if you don't find this funny, I've got to think you're taking life a bit too seriously 😁

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Why do they have signs in hospital car parks that say "Thieves operate here"? I'd feel safer with a surgeon if I'm being honest!

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On 23/01/2021 at 03:50, narre said:

My wife threw sodium chloride at me.

That's a salt!!!!!!!!

 

She threw a lettuce at me last week, that was just the tip of the iceberg.

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My girlfriend tried to persuade me to have sex with her on the hood of her Honda Civic.

I refused. If I'm going to have sex with her,

it's going to be on my own Accord!

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Met a girl the other night. I said, "I'm gonna make love to you in my lounge, bedroom, kitchen, and the hallway!"

She said, "It's nice to pull a bloke with your kind of stamina!"

She was gutted when I took her back to my caravan!

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Once upon a time there was a plane crash and the only two survivors were washed up onto a desert island. The survivors were an ordinary guy called Joe and the very lovely actress Jennifer Aniston. They got on very well  together and set about building a shelter, sourcing food and water etc, then one day the inevitable happened and they started a sexual relationship. This went on for a few months until one day Joe asked Jennifer if she would mind putting his hat and coat on, painting a beard and moustache on her face and letting him call her Bob as he needed a male pal to talk to about football and things. She went along with it just to humour him and they set off along the beach for a walk. After a few minutes talking about football Joe turned to Bob and said “Hey Bob, you’ll never guess who I’m shagging”.

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8 hours ago, John Findlay said:

Screenshot_20210125-174705_Samsung Internet.jpg

 

:rofl:

 

Superb!  It's the unexpected twist in the story that makes it work.  :thumb:

 

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Did you know that if you rest one of your testicles on the top of an empty beer bottle

and hold a flame at the base,

eventually the testicle will be sucked inside.

If you did know this, please can you let me know how to reverse it?

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I went for an interview on a building site today.

The foreman asked me, "Can you make tea?"

I said, "Yes!"

He then asked, "Can you drive a forklift?"

I replied, "Why? How big's the ****** kettle?"

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Paddy started on a building site today. 

The foreman tells him "See that blue container, (paddy nods) go down there and bring up a wheelbarrow" 

 

Ten minutes later paddy comes back pushing a wheelbarrow with another wheelbarrow on top. 

 

The foreman shouts "I only fecking wanting one" 

 

Paddy shouts back" If you think I was fecking carrying it, you're  off your nut ya prick"

 

Edited by ri Alban
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John Gentleman

John Travolta tested negative for Covid-19 last night. Turns out it was just Saturday night fever.

 

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John Gentleman

They get worse.....

 

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

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John Gentleman

.....and worserer...

 

I've finally told my suitcases there will be no holiday this year due to Covid. Now I'm dealing with the emotional baggage.

 

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John Gentleman

My dad died because we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting "be positive," .... but it was hard for me to be positive as I watched him slip away..

 

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John Gentleman

....and finally!

 

Don't let your worries get the better of you; remember, Moses started out as a basket case.

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3 minutes ago, John Gentleman said:

My dad died because we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting "be positive," .... but it was hard for me to be positive as I watched him slip away..

 

My mother in law was worried, waiting for the results of the Covid test she had the other day.  I told her to be positive.

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I rang the RSPCA hotline to tell them I'd just found six badgers in a suitcase by the road.

"Are they moving?" asked the operator.

"I'm not certain," I replied.

"But that would explain the suitcase!"

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It was 11 years ago today that my pal James came running out the room shouting,

"It's a boy, it's a boy!"with tears streaming down his face...

We never went back to Thailand!

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