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Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)


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1 hour ago, narre said:

Not really i just like to help keep the jokes rolling on,been on kickback in its various forms for over 20 years i am not interested in the post count.40 years in Melbourne this is the best way to to keep in touch with all things Hearts.

 

You keep 'em coming, Narre. :thumb:

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45 minutes ago, kila said:


:D

 

 

Paul Merton, HIGNFY, on Friday.

 

Also liked his comment that the pro-Trump "stop the count" chant isn't far removed from what everyone else has been saying for four years.

 

 

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Sawdust Caesar

James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I'm wearing panties!"

Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."

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Sawdust Caesar

The wife said to me last night. "If you turn the bedside lamp off, I'll take it up the arse".

 

Maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first...

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I was in Asda with 2 full trollies when a little old lady stood behind me at the checkout.

She only had a pint of milk so I said, "Is that all you've got?

"She replied, "Yes." So I did the decent thing & told her,

"If I were you I'd **** off to another till. I'm gonna be ages!"

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17 hours ago, narre said:

I've finally come to accept I'm dyslexic and I'll always be dyslexic... A leotard can't change its spots!

Dyslexia - sign of a misspelt youth.

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Girlfriend "Does my bum look big in these jeans?"

 

Boyfriend "Do you promise not to get upset if I tell you the truth?

 

Girlfriend "You can say what you like, as long as it's the truth I promise I'll not get angry"

 

Boyfriend "I shagged your sister"

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On 09/11/2020 at 17:13, Sawdust Caesar said:

James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I'm wearing panties!"

Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."

He must've forgotten that the clocks went back. 

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On 09/11/2020 at 22:02, narre said:

I've finally come to accept I'm dyslexic and I'll always be dyslexic... A leotard can't change its spots!

I used to be dyslexic, but I am ko now.

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On 09/11/2020 at 17:34, Sawdust Caesar said:

The wife said to me last night. "If you turn the bedside lamp off, I'll take it up the arse".

 

Maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first...

😅 

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I was in the chemist earlier and I said, "Can I have five boxes of Viagra please?"

The chemist said, "Have you got a prescription?"

I said, "No, but I've got 3 recent photos of the missus!"

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On 09/11/2020 at 22:02, narre said:

I've finally come to accept I'm dyslexic and I'll always be dyslexic... A leotard can't change its spots!

 

On 10/11/2020 at 15:40, CostaJambo said:

Dyslexia - sign of a misspelt youth.

 

On 10/11/2020 at 17:27, ri Alban said:

Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp? He opened a warehouse. 

As a member of the DNA I find these jokes very distasteful...

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Freddie Mercury had just finished his meal in a Greek restaurant

when the waiter came over with a couple of plates for him to smash.

"Can you go and get me another one please?" asked Freddie.

"Why?" asked the waiter.

"I want to break three!"

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Today, my wife asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. Married 35 years and she still doesn't know my name is Jim...

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  • 2 weeks later...

I asked my solicitor, "How much do you charge?"

He said, "£100 for 3 questions."

"Isn't that a bit steep?" I said.

"Yes. What's your third question?"

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A Christmas card arrived in the post yesterday. When I opened it, a pile of rice fell out of the envelope. It was from my uncle Ben.

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Two pensioners are having oral sex with each other.

The man says, "I can't do this any longer. It stinks down here!"

"Sorry," the woman says. "It's my arthritis."

"Arthritis in your vagina?" he exclaims.

"No, in my shoulder. I can't wipe my arse!"

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On 22/11/2020 at 13:24, Ulysses said:

Boss's funeral, and one of his staff kneels by the coffin and whispers "who's thinking outside the box now, eh?"

 

:runaway:

:lol:

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3 hours ago, narre said:

Two pensioners are having oral sex with each other.

The man says, "I can't do this any longer. It stinks down here!"

"Sorry," the woman says. "It's my arthritis."

"Arthritis in your vagina?" he exclaims.

"No, in my shoulder. I can't wipe my arse!"

Bloody hell! :biglaugh:

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The Real Maroonblood
23 hours ago, narre said:

Two pensioners are having oral sex with each other.

The man says, "I can't do this any longer. It stinks down here!"

"Sorry," the woman says. "It's my arthritis."

"Arthritis in your vagina?" he exclaims.

"No, in my shoulder. I can't wipe my arse!"

:rofl:

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On 07/12/2020 at 11:25, narre said:

Two pensioners are having oral sex with each other.

The man says, "I can't do this any longer. It stinks down here!"

"Sorry," the woman says. "It's my arthritis."

"Arthritis in your vagina?" he exclaims.

"No, in my shoulder. I can't wipe my arse!"

😍

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On 07/12/2020 at 12:25, narre said:

Two pensioners are having oral sex with each other.

The man says, "I can't do this any longer. It stinks down here!"

"Sorry," the woman says. "It's my arthritis."

"Arthritis in your vagina?" he exclaims.

"No, in my shoulder. I can't wipe my arse!"

:nojustno:

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On 07/12/2020 at 11:25, narre said:

Two pensioners are having oral sex with each other.

The man says, "I can't do this any longer. It stinks down here!"

"Sorry," the woman says. "It's my arthritis."

"Arthritis in your vagina?" he exclaims.

"No, in my shoulder. I can't wipe my arse!"

:rofl:

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