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Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)


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14 minutes ago, LeftBack said:

Dunno mate. But i know when someone is something beginning with P and ends in rick. 

 

Patrick?

 

Patrick Star - Wikipedia

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Nelly the elephant has just tested positive for Covid 19.

 

When asked “who passed it on to you”

 

She replied “Trump Trump Trump”

 

 

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What goes clip clop.....clip clop....clip clop......BANG!!!

clippity clop..clippity clop..clippity clop..clippity clop?

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An Amish drive by shooting.

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The girlfriend just asked me what I was doing on the computer.

I said, "Looking for cheap flights."

She got very excited and said, "I love you," then got on her knees & gave me the best blow job I've ever had...

Which surprised me as she's never been interested in darts before!

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I once took a stuffed dog to the Antiques Roadshow.

The chap said, "This is very rare, do you know what it would fetch if it was in good condition?"

I replied, "Dunno, sticks I suppose?"

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My bank lets me send a text message and they'll text back with my balance. 

It's a cool feature but I didn't think the LOL was necessary!

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Was in a Cafe today and there was a massive row going on between 2 waitresses about how long a tea bag should be left in a cup. Well it got quite violent and I asked the Manager what was going on. He said it had been brewing for ages.

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A fat woman goes to her doctor and asks,

"What are the easiest exercises I can take to lose weight?"

He replies, "At certain times, just shake your head."

"What certain times?"

"Whenever someone offers you food!"

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When my wife gets out of bed, she likes to put on a school boys uniform,

a school cap and speak in a Scottish accent..

. She's always a little krankie in the morning!

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54 minutes ago, narre said:

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers,

so I did... She's 21, her name's Lucy and she's got huge tits!

:laugh2:

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Kalamazoo Jambo
On 22/10/2020 at 09:45, I P Knightley said:

Can someone in admin explain why my posts have been removed?

 

It's really annoying as my fence panels keep falling over.

 

Sorry, didn't mean for anyone to take a fence.

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Just thought I'd nip over to my Nan's, and fair play to her, at 96,

she had all the Halloween decorations up, cobwebs and insects in the windows and a skeleton on the couch...

She always makes a big effort, but there was no answer.

I'll pop back next year!

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"I'm sick of you teasing me about my weight,"

my wife snapped as she walked out the door.

"Please babe, don't go," I pleaded. "Think of our baby."

"What baby?" she said.

"You're not pregnant?"

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I went to a Indian restaurant last night.

After I had ordered, a little old lady came to me and said, "Aren't you polite. You have such lovely manners."

Apparently, it was my complimentary nan!

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31 minutes ago, Jamstomorrow said:

What's white and glides round the ballroom?

 

Cum dancing.

What's white and slithers down the side of a church?

 

The cumming of the lord.

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5 minutes ago, Lemongrab said:

What's grey and comes in pints?

 

An elephant.

Bloody hell, I just spat out a mouthful of tea there.

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I always carry a pebble in my pocket to throw at people who sign or play Christmas songs in october. I call it my jingle bell rock.

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I got kicked off the Dragon's Den when I tried to pitch my Polo suppositories.

 

Who cares, I'm minted already. 

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  • 2 weeks later...

Three dinosaurs are running across the desert when they stumble across a magic lamp.
They rub it and a genie appears.
"I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you" the genie announces.
The first dinosaur thinks hard.
"Alright" he says "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat".
Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appears in front of him.
Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder.
"I know! I'll have a shower of meat!"
Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him.
The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs.
"I've got it!" he cries "I want a MEATIER shower!"

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17 minutes ago, Armageddon said:

Is @narre just using this thread to hammer the post count up??!!

Not really i just like to help keep the jokes rolling on,been on kickback in its various forms for over 20 years i am not interested in the post count.40 years in Melbourne this is the best way to to keep in touch with all things Hearts.

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1 minute ago, narre said:

Not really i just like to help keep the jokes rolling on,been on kickback in its various forms for over 20 years i am not interested in the post count.40 years in Melbourne this is the best way to to keep in touch with all things Hearts.

 

:)  Your Mug joke did make me laugh, i'll give you that!

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