Jump to content

Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)


Unknown user

Recommended Posts

I P Knightley
16 hours ago, luckyBatistuta said:

Here's a strange one, a guy came to our door last night, he asked if I wanted my shed re-tarred, I said no and sent him on his way. Woke up this morning and the shed was gone

Like it!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Replies 5.7k
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

  • narre

    629

  • superjack

    628

  • Morgan

    283

  • Carl Fredrickson

    240

Top Posters In This Topic

Posted Images

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, “hang on! You’re a duck.”

“I see your eyes are working,” replies the duck.

“And you can talk!” exclaims the barman.

“I see your ears are working, too,” says the Duck.  “Now if you don’t mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?”

“Certainly, sorry about that” says the barman as he pulls the duck’s pint.  “It ‘s just we don’t get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?”

“I’m working on the building site across the road,” explains the duck.  “I’m a plasterer.”

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him “you’re with the circus, aren’t you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!”

“Sounds marvelous,” says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. “Get him to give me a call.”

So the next day when the Duck comes into the pub the barman says, “hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.”

“I’m always looking for the next job,” says the duck.  “Where is it?”

“At the circus,” says the barman.

“The circus?” repeats the duck.

“That’s right,” replies the barman.

“The circus?” the duck asks again. “With the big tent?”

“Yeah,” the barman replies.

“With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?” says the duck.

“Of course,” the barman replies.

“And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?” persists the duck.

“That’s right!” says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says ..

“What the **** would they want with a plasterer??!”

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My boss said to me,

"Why do you come out in a rash every time I give you your wages?"

I said, "It's because I'm allergic to peanuts!"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

During a safety meeting at work, I was asked 

"What steps would you take in event of a fire?"

"Really big ones!" was apparently not the right answer.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

17 hours ago, superjack said:

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, “hang on! You’re a duck.”

“I see your eyes are working,” replies the duck.

“And you can talk!” exclaims the barman.

“I see your ears are working, too,” says the Duck.  “Now if you don’t mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?”

“Certainly, sorry about that” says the barman as he pulls the duck’s pint.  “It ‘s just we don’t get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?”

“I’m working on the building site across the road,” explains the duck.  “I’m a plasterer.”

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him “you’re with the circus, aren’t you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!”

“Sounds marvelous,” says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. “Get him to give me a call.”

So the next day when the Duck comes into the pub the barman says, “hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.”

“I’m always looking for the next job,” says the duck.  “Where is it?”

“At the circus,” says the barman.

“The circus?” repeats the duck.

“That’s right,” replies the barman.

“The circus?” the duck asks again. “With the big tent?”

“Yeah,” the barman replies.

“With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?” says the duck.

“Of course,” the barman replies.

“And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?” persists the duck.

“That’s right!” says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says ..

“What the **** would they want with a plasterer??!”

Brilliant. Just what's needed on a wet Saturday afternoon.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The actor Yul Brynner famous for films such as The magnificent 7 and Westworld was a lifelong Liverpool fan.

 

He also refused to wear aftershave.

 

Thats right. Yul never wore cologne.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 hours ago, Vlad Magic said:

The actor Yul Brynner famous for films such as The magnificent 7 and Westworld was a lifelong Liverpool fan.

 

He also refused to wear aftershave.

 

Thats right. Yul never wore cologne.

 

:clap:

 

That's a real groaner.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

8 hours ago, Vlad Magic said:

The actor Yul Brynner famous for films such as The magnificent 7 and Westworld was a lifelong Liverpool fan.

 

He also refused to wear aftershave.

 

Thats right. Yul never wore cologne.

FFS :lol: 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Swimming pools are to re-open from the 4th July,

but due to social distancing, there will be no water in lanes 1, 3 and 5!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I P Knightley

We've booked a holiday break in a lovely place in Wales

 

Llochllayllapllappllowich

 

Sorry, I had a hair caught in my throat. We're going to Tenby.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

9 hours ago, I P Knightley said:

We've booked a holiday break in a lovely place in Wales

 

Llochllayllapllappllowich

 

Sorry, I had a hair caught in my throat. We're going to Tenby.


Talking of Wales. Did you know the doorbell was invented there? Prestatyn.

 

Also, why is there so many accidents in Caerphilly? 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I P Knightley

Competition to see how far athletes can throw a plate should be dropped from the Olympics. 

 

Discus.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

One day a father gets off of work and on his way home he remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy store and asks the salesperson "How much is the Barbie on the display window?"
The salesperson answers " Which one? We have:
Work out Barbie for £19.95
Shopping Barbie for £19.95
Beach Barbie for £19.95
Disco Barbie for £19.95
Divorced Barbie for £265.95
The amazed father asks: "What? Why is the Divorced Barbie £265.95 and the others only £19.95?"
The salesperson answers:
"Sir, 'Divorced Barbie' is a complete set. She comes with:
Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Dog, Ken's Children, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and... as a special feature, Ken's Best Friend".

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Three animals were having a huge argument over who was the best. The first, a hawk, claimed that because of his ability to fly, he could attack anything repeatedly from above, and his prey stood nary a chance. The second, a lion, based his claim on his strength. None in the forest dared to challenge him. The third, a skunk, insisted he needed neither flight nor strength to frighten off any creature. As the trio debated the issue, an alligator came along and swallowed them all... hawk, lion and stinker.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

When Lord Nelson died he was 5 feet tall. 
His statue on the column in Trafalgar Square is 15 feet tall.

Thats Horatio of 3:1

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Just finished watching a disaster movie about a fire in a French Car Factory 

Starring “Burnt Renaults”

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A blonde hands a dress into the dry cleaners.

 

The woman says, "Thank you, come again."

 

The blonde says, "No, it's toothpaste this time."

Link to comment
Share on other sites

CostaJambo

Everyone has heard of Sod's Law but how many have heard of Cole's Law?

 

It's a salad accompaniment made of finely shredded cabbage and mayonnaise.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The wife isn't speaking to me, all because I wouldn't open the car door for her...

 

It's not my fault. I just panicked and swam to the surface!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Just been to Boots and asked the assistant if they sold Benylin.

 

She replied, ''For cough?''

 

I said, "Steady on love I only fekkin asked!"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Maple Leaf
5 hours ago, narre said:

Just been to Boots and asked the assistant if they sold Benylin.

 

She replied, ''For cough?''

 

I said, "Steady on love I only fekkin asked!"

 

I once asked a woman who her employer was.

 

She replied, "I work for Cunard."

 

I said, "I'm sure you do, but who's your employer?"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Two prawns were swimming around in the sea. One called Justin and the other called Kristian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Kristian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten".

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted".

Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Kristian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old friend.

Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old chums simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin gradually realised that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam to Kristian's home.

As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again".

Kristian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner".

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed..."

"I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again Kristian!!..

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Cairneyhill Jambo

I met my wife at a fancy dress party.....
The strange thing was we were both dressed in the same outfit... We were both dressed up as dolphins..... I guess we both just clicked!

Edited by Cairneyhill Jambo
Link to comment
Share on other sites

4 hours ago, superjack said:

Two prawns were swimming around in the sea. One called Justin and the other called Kristian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Kristian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten".

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted".

Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Kristian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old friend.

Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old chums simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin gradually realised that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam to Kristian's home.

As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again".

Kristian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner".

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed..."

"I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again Kristian!!..

👍😄

Link to comment
Share on other sites

After sex last night with my new girlfriend, she snuggled up to me and said,

"You're the biggest I've ever had!"

Apparently saying, "Ditto" wasn't the best idea!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I went for my annual medical a few days ago, and the doctor told me to watch my drinking.

 

I have to say that standing in front of a mirror while I drink isn't much fun.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My wee dog fell into a river and was in danger of being swept away.  A young man, who turned to be a German tourist, jumped into the river fully clothed and saved him.

 

As he handed back the dog he said, "Ze dog ees cold, but he vill be fine."

 

I said "Thank you, thank you.  Are you a vet?"

 

He said "Vet? I'm foaken zoaked."

Link to comment
Share on other sites

About halfway through my wife giving me a lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was,

I chopped off my own ears...

 

I'll never hear the end of it now!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

wentworth jambo
8 hours ago, narre said:

I think I've been making Motown puns for about three years, four tops!

Similar to ...

I went to a Motown disco last night but it was freezing

Three Degrees, Four Tops

Link to comment
Share on other sites

45 minutes ago, wentworth jambo said:

Similar to ...

I went to a Motown disco last night but it was freezing

Three Degrees, Four Tops

Was it in a Masonic Hall?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A pessimist sees a dark tunnel.

An optimist sees a light at the end of the tunnel.

A realist sees a train coming down the tunnel.

The train driver sees three idiots standing on the tracks. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Karl Marx is the historically famous philosopher, but no one ever mentions his sister, Onya, the inventor of the starting pistol.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

As me and my wife headed off on a romantic holiday,

we talked about what kinky things we'd like to do to each other.

She said, "I've always wanted to be handcuffed."

So I planted a kilo of cocaine in her suitcase!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I was so worried the mechanic would rip me off

because I confessed I knew nothing about cars..

. Imagine my relief when he said I only needed indicator fluid!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.




×
×
  • Create New...