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Cairneyhill Jambo

At this rate, the 12th July will be thousands of orangemen in their homes walking on their treadmills shout "Alexa - play the sash"

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3 hours ago, Cairneyhill Jambo said:

At this rate, the 12th July will be thousands of orangemen in their homes walking on their treadmills shout "Alexa - play the sash"

πŸ˜„These fat bassa's have treadmills !!! a walk to the fridge and back.πŸ˜„

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22 hours ago, Tazio said:

I can’t decking disagree with that.Β 

Here here.

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2 hours ago, milky_26 said:

you meanΒ 

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et out?

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2 hours ago, Tazio said:

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No need to be an Angus about it.

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FAF58AC9-6336-4445-9763-709C5F88EF07.jpeg

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superjack

A guy is walking along the road and sees a Harley Davidson for sale, immaculate, only Β£500. The guys asks how come it's so cheap? He's told it is prone to rusting quite easily, however, if it ever looks like it is going to rain, cover the metal work in vaseline. So he buys it. Later that day, he's going to his girlfriends family for dinner and he has never met any of her family before. To impress them, and his bird, he turns up on the new Harley. She meets him at the door and warns him, when we eat in this house, the first person to speak has to wash the dishes, this has gone on for 15 years.
Sure enough, when he goes in the house, everywhere he looks there are piles of dirty dishes reaching up to the ceiling. They are sitting eating the main course and he notices his girlfriend is showing a lot of cleavage and he gets a serious hard on. He then thinks, no one can say anything. So he lifts her out the seat, bends her over the table, lifts her skirt and pumps her right there. Her parents are livid but can't say anything as doing all those dishes would probably take a couple of years. Afterwards, he sits back down. When her mother brings out dessert, she drops a spoon and bends over to pick it up and he thinks, nice arse. So he grabs her, bends her over the table, and while staring at the father, he gives the mother a serious pumping. Again, the father is raging but won't say anything.
About 5 minutes later, there is a flash of lightning and a crack of thunder. Just as he looks out the window, he notices it is about to start raining and he suddenly remembers what he was told when he bought the Harley. So he takes the tubΒ of vaseline out of his pocket and stands up. At this point the father jumps up and says, that's it, I give in, where's the washing up liquid.

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Unknown user
On 02/05/2020 at 08:31, narre said:

I saw my neighbour jogging at 1am this morning

. I said, "It's a bit late for you Sarah, isn't it?"

"I couldn't sleep," she replied.

"That's not what I meant, you fat cow!"

A lot of good ones recently but lold at this

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I came home from shopping today to find my wife and her two fat mates eating doritos on the couch.

I mumbled under my breath, "Fat bucking cows!"

My wife said, "What did you just say?

" I replied, "You herd!"

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A woman just asked me if I preferred legs or breasts.

I told her I was more into shaved ******s, and anal...

Apparently that isn't an appropriate answer in KFC!

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Rab Mac52

Guy into pub with dog. Asks for a pint but if he proved his dog could speak could he get his pint free. Bar bloke says okay. Man takes a bit of sandpaper out his pocket, scrapes it on the dog's backside. He asks how does that feel? Dog says, rough! Β Bartender says sod off that's not talking. Lad asks to try dog again. Ok. If you come off the fairway in golf whee do you go? Dog goes, rough! Get out says barkeep. Guys say one last chance? Well, ok. Β Man says to dog, name the Scottish goalkeeper in the 1970's. Dog once more goes, Rough. Barkeep annoyed chucks then out. Sitting on the step outside, the dog turns to the guy. 'Wasn't Jim Leighton was it?'

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On 04/05/2020 at 10:06, narre said:
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The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello

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😁

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A dying husband in a hospital bed asks his wife,

"Our seventh child always looked different from the other six.

Did he have a different father?" His wife, crying uncontrollably answers,

"Yes." He asks, "Who's is it?"

His wife replies, "Yours!"

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I had often suggested to my secretary that we should try bondage.

As I walked into my office today I found her bound, gagged and bent over the desk.

"You little minx!" I said, dropping my trousers.

"But I'm still going to have to tell you off for leaving the safe wide open!"

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Due to the current economic climate for football clubs Celtic have announced they are paying off 24 members of staff. The 10 referees and 14 linesmen are said to be devastated!

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Maple Leaf

The word "vegetarian" is derived from a North American Indian name for bad hunter.

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Horatio Caine

My first experience of walking football was better than I expected.

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Strolled it.

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Robbo-Jambo
On β€Ž10β€Ž/β€Ž05β€Ž/β€Ž2020 at 12:27, narre said:

A dying husband in a hospital bed asks his wife,

"Our seventh child always looked different from the other six.

Did he have a different father?" His wife, crying uncontrollably answers,

"Yes." He asks, "Who's is it?"

His wife replies, "Yours!"

:laugh2:

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annushorribilis III

Two guys talking about their pets -

Why did you call your dog Birmingham ?

Cos he's mostly brown & black with a few white spots.Β 

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15 minutes ago, annushorribilis III said:

Two guys talking about their pets -

Why did you call your dog Birmingham ?

Cos he's mostly brown & black with a few white spots.Β 

Yikes

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44 minutes ago, annushorribilis III said:

Two guys talking about their pets -

Why did you call your dog Birmingham ?

Cos he's mostly brown & black with a few white spots.Β 

That won’t go down well with the β€˜modern snowflakes’ but, :lol:Β 

Β 

Imagine.

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annushorribilis III
3 minutes ago, Morgan said:

That won’t go down well with the β€˜modern snowflakes’ but, :lol:Β 

Β 

Imagine.

I'll take a warning.Β 

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Just now, annushorribilis III said:

I'll take a warning.Β 

You shouldn’t need to, mate.

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You posted a joke, that’s all. Β :thumbsup:

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The β€˜modern guys’ will however, be all over it like a rash.

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β€˜Pretending’ they don’t find it funny. Β :vrface:

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4 hours ago, annushorribilis III said:

Two guys talking about their pets -

Why did you call your dog Birmingham ?

Cos he's mostly brown & black with a few white spots.Β 

:arf:

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Teacher: "I want a word with four 'I's

" Me: "Mississippi." Teacher:

"No, I need to speak to you, you speccy twat!

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Fxxx the SPFL

can't remember if iv'e posted this before but if the answer is COCK ROBIN what's the question.

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What's that up my arse BATMAN

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I'll get my hatΒ  :poopile:

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1 hour ago, Ray has bus pass hooray said:

can't remember if iv'e posted this before but if the answer is COCK ROBIN what's the question.

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What's that up my arse BATMAN

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I'll get my hatΒ  :poopile:

🎩 Ye forgot this.

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:D

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I think the wife's got me a build-it-yourself scale model of a horse for my birthday next month...

I've just found a big piece of it hidden in her bedside drawer!

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The Real Maroonblood
17 hours ago, annushorribilis III said:

Two guys talking about their pets -

Why did you call your dog Birmingham ?

Cos he's mostly brown & black with a few white spots.Β 

:laugh:

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12 hours ago, narre said:

Teacher: "I want a word with four 'I's

" Me: "Mississippi." Teacher:

"No, I need to speak to you, you speccy twat!

Anus gets this one. Β :)Β 

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Maple Leaf

It has been a strange day today.

Β 

First I found a hat full of money, then I was chased by a guy with a guitar.

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Maple Leaf

I asked my wife what she would do if I won the lottery.Β  She said she'd take half and leave me.

Β 

I said, "OK, I won $20. Here's your ten bucks.Β  Stay in touch."

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Saw a porn film last night.

A woman was giving a hand job to a joiner, a plumber, an electrician and a plasterer...

It was called, "Jack Off All Trades!"

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luckyBatistuta

Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer, and Cindy Crawford are flying to a super models conference in Paris, when the captain of the plane announces: "We have just lost power to the engines and are going to make an emergency crash landing -- assume the brace position immediately!"Β 

Immediately the three models start preparing for the worst. Claudia pulls out lipstick and make-up and starts fixing her face. Bewildered, Naomi and Cindy ask: "What in the hell are you doing fixing your make-up when we are about to friggin' crash!"Β 

Claudia responds: "I know for a fact the rescue workers will search for, and save first, the ones who have the best looking faces -- which is why I am putting on my make-up."Β 

Cindy Crawford rips open her blouse to expose two beautiful mounds of flesh which inexplicably defy the law of gravity. Totally confused, Naomi and Claudia shout: "Cindy, have you lost your senses? Why are you baring your breasts for everyone to see when we are about to die!"Β 

Cindy responds: "I have it on good authority in plane crashes, the rescue workers look to save first the women with big beautiful breasts -- which is why I am exposing my tits!"Β 

Not hesitating, Naomi Campbell pulls down her skirt and panties to expose her love triangle." Freaking out, Claudia and Cindy yell: "Naomi -- Are you crazy?? Why are you exposing your crotch for everyone to see?"Β 

Calmly, Naomi responds: "Bitches please! I know for a fact the first thing the rescue workers look for in plane crashes is a black box!"

Β 

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5 hours ago, luckyBatistuta said:

Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer, and Cindy Crawford are flying to a super models conference in Paris, when the captain of the plane announces: "We have just lost power to the engines and are going to make an emergency crash landing -- assume the brace position immediately!"Β 

Immediately the three models start preparing for the worst. Claudia pulls out lipstick and make-up and starts fixing her face. Bewildered, Naomi and Cindy ask: "What in the hell are you doing fixing your make-up when we are about to friggin' crash!"Β 

Claudia responds: "I know for a fact the rescue workers will search for, and save first, the ones who have the best looking faces -- which is why I am putting on my make-up."Β 

Cindy Crawford rips open her blouse to expose two beautiful mounds of flesh which inexplicably defy the law of gravity. Totally confused, Naomi and Claudia shout: "Cindy, have you lost your senses? Why are you baring your breasts for everyone to see when we are about to die!"Β 

Cindy responds: "I have it on good authority in plane crashes, the rescue workers look to save first the women with big beautiful breasts -- which is why I am exposing my tits!"Β 

Not hesitating, Naomi Campbell pulls down her skirt and panties to expose her love triangle." Freaking out, Claudia and Cindy yell: "Naomi -- Are you crazy?? Why are you exposing your crotch for everyone to see?"Β 

Calmly, Naomi responds: "Bitches please! I know for a fact the first thing the rescue workers look for in plane crashes is a black box!"

Β 

That's a belter, I shall be telling this 1 over and over for the next few days.

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Seaside jambo

Guy walks into a bar and asks for a pint anything except stellar , barman says what’s wrong wi Stella ? Guy says I had twelve pints of it last night and When I came round I was f*****g skint ,

barman say all the pints are about same price mate , guys says skintsΒ my dogΒ 

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young couple courting for only a few months when She asks if he loves her because not once has he got amorous and asked for sex like most guys do, he replied I have a very religious upbringing and no women can see me naked until the Wedding night,well not long after they get married and it comes to the time when they cement their love so he takes his trousers down she β€œgasps”what wrong with your knees they are all twisted ,he replied I had KNEESLES when I was younger she said you mean MEASLES no he replied it only affected my knees, he then took his socks off she β€œgasps” again look at your TOES they are all deformed ,he replied I had TOLIO whenΒ Β I was younger, she said you mean POLIO , no he replied it only affected my toes, he drops his pants ,she says don’t tell me SMALLPOXΒ 

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Horatio Caine
4 hours ago, samgolden said:

young couple courting for only a few months when She asks if he loves her because not once has he got amorous and asked for sex like most guys do, he replied I have a very religious upbringing and no women can see me naked until the Wedding night,well not long after they get married and it comes to the time when they cement their love so he takes his trousers down she β€œgasps”what wrong with your knees they are all twisted ,he replied I had KNEESLES when I was younger she said you mean MEASLES no he replied it only affected my knees, he then took his socks off she β€œgasps” again look at your TOES they are all deformed ,he replied I had TOLIO whenΒ Β I was younger, she said you mean POLIO , no he replied it only affected my toes, he drops his pants ,she says don’t tell me SMALLPOXΒ 

I was bloody breathless reading that.Β  Punctuation is a very big word...

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Dave the Jambo is touring the USA. Along the way, he stops off at a remote bar in the Nevada desert and chats to the bartender when he spots a Red Indian in full tribal dress seated in the corner of the bar.

"Wow!" remarks Dave. "Who's he?"

"Gee, that's the memory man," replies the bartender. "He knows everything there is to know. Got a memory like an elephant, he can remember any fact. Go and try him out!"

Dave heads over to the Red Indian, thinking that he can outsmart him with a question about Scottish football.

He asks the memory man, "Who won the 2012 Scottish cup final?"

"Hearts," came the instantaneous reply.

Dave was stunned. He tried again asking, "Who did they beat?"

"Hibs," replied the memory man.

Dave tried once more asking, "What was the final score?"

The wise Red Indian didn't hesitate in answering, "5-1."

Dave thinks he'll get smart, asking the memory man for the name of the 4th goal scorer. Without so much as blinking, the Red Indian says, "Ryan MacGowan."

Dave is stunned and returns home to Edinburgh, where he tells everyone about the Red Indian. Dave's curiosity lingers, and he vows to return to America and pay his respects to the Indian. Few years later, Dave finally saved up enough money to return and, after weeks of searching the Nevada desert, once more he finds the Red Indian, now in a cave.

Humbled by the Red Indian, Dave steps forward, bows, and greets the brave in his traditional tongue.

"How," Dave says.

The memory man squints at him and replies, "A diving header in the six-yard box."Β 
Happy anniversary jambos πŸ‡±πŸ‡»πŸ‡±πŸ‡»πŸ‡±πŸ‡»πŸ‡±πŸ‡»πŸ‡±πŸ‡»πŸ‡³πŸ‡¬

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