narre Posted April 6, 2020 Share Posted April 6, 2020 I've washed my hands that much, I've just uncovered a nightclub stamp from 20 years ago! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted April 6, 2020 Share Posted April 6, 2020 My knob turned a horrible shade of orange and I thought it might be something to do with the Corona Virus,so I called 111. "What are you doing all day during lockdown?" the nurse asked. "Well nothing much," I replied. "Just sitting around, watching porn and eating Wotsits!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robbo-Jambo Posted April 6, 2020 Share Posted April 6, 2020 4 hours ago, Maple Leaf said: Things are really difficult these days. I have a very short friend who's having trouble putting food on the table. 😅 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted April 6, 2020 Share Posted April 6, 2020 My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner... So I took the battery out of the smoke detector! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pans Jambo Posted April 6, 2020 Share Posted April 6, 2020 Wife wasn't very happy with the bird table that I made...she only came 6th on it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted April 6, 2020 Share Posted April 6, 2020 12 hours ago, narre said: My knob turned a horrible shade of orange and I thought it might be something to do with the Corona Virus,so I called 111. "What are you doing all day during lockdown?" the nurse asked. "Well nothing much," I replied. "Just sitting around, watching porn and eating Wotsits!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted April 7, 2020 Share Posted April 7, 2020 BREAKING: Two people found sunbathing in Scotland today have tested positive for hypothermia! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Castle rock Posted April 7, 2020 Share Posted April 7, 2020 VID-20200407-WA0001.mp4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Castle rock Posted April 7, 2020 Share Posted April 7, 2020 VID-20200407-WA0000.mp4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
samgolden Posted April 8, 2020 Share Posted April 8, 2020 (edited) Was in post office today and this guy accused me of stealing stamps so I stuck one on him Edited April 8, 2020 by samgolden Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted April 9, 2020 Share Posted April 9, 2020 Today i saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall i thought to myself that's a little condescending Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TWF Posted April 9, 2020 Share Posted April 9, 2020 Atomic Bomb explodes over Dublin. Huge casualties. 50% killed immediately following the explosion. A further 20% died trying to eat the mushroom Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted April 9, 2020 Share Posted April 9, 2020 I was walking in the jungle and saw a lizard on his hind legs telling jokes. I turned to a local tribesman and said, "That lizards really funny!" The tribesman replied, "He's not a lizard. He's a stand up chameleon!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LeftBack Posted April 9, 2020 Share Posted April 9, 2020 On 08/04/2020 at 20:01, samgolden said: Was in post office today and this guy accused me of stealing stamps so I stuck one on him 😂 Brilliant Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
indianajones Posted April 10, 2020 Share Posted April 10, 2020 18 hours ago, narre said: Today i saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall i thought to myself that's a little condescending Excellent. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Smack Posted April 13, 2020 Share Posted April 13, 2020 Got the wife a penny black for her birthday. Philately will get you everywhere. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted April 13, 2020 Share Posted April 13, 2020 OMG....absolute disgrace. I've just witnessed 5 lads in H1b5 tops playing football with a hedgehog. I was gonna call the SSPCA but the hedgehog was 5-1 up !! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dawnrazor Posted April 13, 2020 Share Posted April 13, 2020 I've decided to make my own pool cue for when the pubs open again........anyone got any tips? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dawnrazor Posted April 13, 2020 Share Posted April 13, 2020 The worst Pub I was ever in was called The Fiddle.........it was a vile inn. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted April 14, 2020 Share Posted April 14, 2020 Yesterday I changed a lightbulb, knocked on a door twice, crossed the road and walked into a bar... My life is a ******* joke! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted April 14, 2020 Share Posted April 14, 2020 A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The barman says, "What an interesting pet. What's his name?" "Tiny," the man replies. "What an odd name. Why do you call him Tiny?" "Because, he's my newt!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted April 14, 2020 Share Posted April 14, 2020 I'm a really big fan of the Bee Gees and I also like cooking Chinese food... You can tell by the way I use my wok Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
¼½¾ Posted April 14, 2020 Share Posted April 14, 2020 When a homeless person eventually gets a flat, they must have some job getting their dog to go out for that first walk. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jamboy1982 Posted April 14, 2020 Share Posted April 14, 2020 I’m so close to completing my toy story figure collection. If anyone can help give me a buzz Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dawnrazor Posted April 14, 2020 Share Posted April 14, 2020 What do you call a 3ft Jamaican? . . . . . . A Yardy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PTBCAL Posted April 14, 2020 Share Posted April 14, 2020 On 09/04/2020 at 09:23, narre said: Today i saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall i thought to myself that's a little condescending Under rated 👍 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted April 15, 2020 Share Posted April 15, 2020 What has a priest and a pint of Guinness got in common? A black coat, white collar, and you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted April 15, 2020 Share Posted April 15, 2020 Why doesn't China have a baseball team? Because they ate all the bats. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marvin Posted April 17, 2020 Share Posted April 17, 2020 A man goes into a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on the table. He walks over to her and says "Wow nice legs" She is flattered and replies "You really think so?" And the man says "Oh definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted April 17, 2020 Share Posted April 17, 2020 Vegans think Butchers are gross, but I think Fruit & Veg sellers are Grocer. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted April 17, 2020 Share Posted April 17, 2020 I have a mate who is a pilot for Virgin Atlantic but, because of this lockdown, he's off work, l asked him if he fancied doing a bit of decorating for me while he's at a loose end and he jumped at the chance. l must say, he made a lovely job of the landing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
martoon Posted April 17, 2020 Share Posted April 17, 2020 What do you call a dinosaur who looks after his teeth? A Flosseraptor. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JWL Posted April 17, 2020 Share Posted April 17, 2020 Got told I had to see a grief counselor after not taking the death of my father and then my mother too well. Guy was brilliant, he died last week and I never gave a fu*k Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted April 17, 2020 Share Posted April 17, 2020 My mate said I wasn't a true cockney, so I pushed him down the apples and oranges! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted April 18, 2020 Share Posted April 18, 2020 (edited) I'm not a proper Gynaecologist, but I'll have a good look. Edited April 18, 2020 by ri Alban Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted April 18, 2020 Share Posted April 18, 2020 On 14/04/2020 at 02:03, narre said: Yesterday I changed a lightbulb, knocked on a door twice, crossed the road and walked into a bar... My life is a ******* joke! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted April 19, 2020 Share Posted April 19, 2020 Hibs have announced that they will set aside 200 seats for every home game next season, for NHS workers. A spokesperson from the NHS replied "Have we not suffered enough?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kalamazoo Jambo Posted April 20, 2020 Share Posted April 20, 2020 Why did the chicken cross the road? Social distancing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted April 20, 2020 Share Posted April 20, 2020 Took a girl out the other night & she ordered the most expensive food on the menu. I thought you greedy, money-grabbing bitch. I said, "Does your mother feed you like that at home? " She said "No, but my mum isn't expecting a blow job later." I said, "Enjoy your meal sweetie!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted April 20, 2020 Share Posted April 20, 2020 I went to a fetish restaurant last night... I got toed in the hole! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kiwidoug Posted April 21, 2020 Share Posted April 21, 2020 On 18/04/2020 at 06:20, JWL said: Got told I had to see a grief counselor after not taking the death of my father and then my mother too well. Guy was brilliant, he died last week and I never gave a fu*k That one had my mate and I almost literally urinating ourselves. He's a big Facebook guy so it will be round the world by now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted April 21, 2020 Share Posted April 21, 2020 (edited) Seen this "news" clip on facebook, its brilliantly funny. https://www.facebook.com/groups/HeartsfcTheBigTeam/permalink/2745090575614351/ Edited April 21, 2020 by superjack Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted April 22, 2020 Share Posted April 22, 2020 I'm normally employed at a factory making cuddly toy versions of animals but we are all off because of the Corona Virus. I fill up the machine with the soft material on the outside of the toy... I’m a fur load worker! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted April 22, 2020 Share Posted April 22, 2020 A man tried to sell me a coffin today. I said, "That's the last thing I need!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted April 22, 2020 Share Posted April 22, 2020 A man goes to hospital feeling unwell. The doctor says, "You have Corona Virus. We're transferring you to a room where you will be fed a diet of pizza, toast & pancakes ." "Will that cure me?" asks the man. "No," says the doctor. "It's the only food we can pass under the door!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted April 22, 2020 Share Posted April 22, 2020 Knock knock "Who's there?" "Grandad!" "SHIT! Stop the funeral!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted April 25, 2020 Share Posted April 25, 2020 My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger... It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles, that I realised she wanted to rent out her spare room! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted April 25, 2020 Share Posted April 25, 2020 In america, a vicar has been charged by the police for injecting himself with disinfectant. He's been charged with bleach of the priest. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted April 26, 2020 Share Posted April 26, 2020 Apparently IVF treatment for lesbians has been stopped due to Corona Virus... The NHS are offering an alternative therapy using Trycoxagain! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted April 26, 2020 Share Posted April 26, 2020 14 hours ago, narre said: Apparently IVF treatment for lesbians has been stopped due to Corona Virus... The NHS are offering an alternative therapy using Trycoxagain! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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