Jump to content

Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)


Unknown user

Recommended Posts

  • Replies 5.7k
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

  • narre

    629

  • superjack

    628

  • Morgan

    283

  • Carl Fredrickson

    240

Top Posters In This Topic

Posted Images

My knob turned a horrible shade of orange

and I thought it might be something to do with the Corona Virus,so I called 111.

"What are you doing all day during lockdown?" the nurse asked.

"Well nothing much," I replied. "Just sitting around, watching porn and eating Wotsits!"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Robbo-Jambo
4 hours ago, Maple Leaf said:

Things are really difficult these days.

 

I have a very short friend who's having trouble putting food on the table.

😅 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner...

So I took the battery out of the smoke detector!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

12 hours ago, narre said:

My knob turned a horrible shade of orange

and I thought it might be something to do with the Corona Virus,so I called 111.

"What are you doing all day during lockdown?" the nurse asked.

"Well nothing much," I replied. "Just sitting around, watching porn and eating Wotsits!"

:rofl: 

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Was in post office today and this guy accused me of stealing stamps so I stuck one on him 

Edited by samgolden
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Atomic Bomb explodes over Dublin. Huge casualties.

50% killed immediately following the explosion.

A further 20% died trying to eat the mushroom

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I was walking in the jungle and saw a lizard on his hind legs telling jokes.

I turned to a local tribesman and said, "That lizards really funny!"

The tribesman replied, "He's not a lizard. He's a stand up chameleon!"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 08/04/2020 at 20:01, samgolden said:

Was in post office today and this guy accused me of stealing stamps so I stuck one on him 

😂 Brilliant 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

indianajones
18 hours ago, narre said:

Today i saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall

i thought to myself that's a little condescending 

 

Excellent. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

OMG....absolute disgrace.  I've just witnessed 5 lads in H1b5 tops playing football with a hedgehog. I was gonna call the SSPCA but the hedgehog was 5-1 up !!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.

The barman says, "What an interesting pet. What's his name?"

"Tiny," the man replies.

"What an odd name. Why do you call him Tiny?"

"Because, he's my newt!"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

When a homeless person eventually gets a flat, they must have some job getting their dog to go out for that first walk.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 09/04/2020 at 09:23, narre said:

Today i saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall

i thought to myself that's a little condescending 


Under rated 👍

Link to comment
Share on other sites

What has a priest and a pint of Guinness got in common? A black coat, white collar,

and you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A man goes into a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on the table. He walks over to her and says "Wow nice legs" She is flattered and replies "You really think so?"

And the man says "Oh definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I have a mate who is a pilot for Virgin Atlantic but, because of this lockdown, he's off work, l asked him if he fancied doing a bit of decorating for me while he's at a loose end and he jumped at the chance.

l must say, he made a lovely job of the landing.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Got told I had to see a grief counselor after not taking the death of my father and then my mother too well. Guy was brilliant, he died last week and I never gave a fu*k 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm not a proper Gynaecologist, but I'll have a good look.

Edited by ri Alban
Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 14/04/2020 at 02:03, narre said:

Yesterday I changed a lightbulb, knocked on a door twice, crossed the road and walked into a bar...

My life is a ******* joke!

:vrface:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hibs have announced that they will set aside 200 seats for every home game next season, for NHS workers.

A spokesperson from the NHS replied
"Have we not suffered enough?"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Took a girl out the other night & she ordered the most expensive food on the menu.

I thought you greedy, money-grabbing bitch.

I said, "Does your mother feed you like that at home?

" She said "No, but my mum isn't expecting a blow job later."

I said, "Enjoy your meal sweetie!"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 18/04/2020 at 06:20, JWL said:

Got told I had to see a grief counselor after not taking the death of my father and then my mother too well. Guy was brilliant, he died last week and I never gave a fu*k 

That one had my mate and I almost literally urinating ourselves.  He's a big Facebook guy so it will be round the world by now.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm normally employed at a factory making cuddly toy versions of animals

but we are all off because of the Corona Virus.

I fill up the machine with the soft material on the outside of the toy...

I’m a fur load worker!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A man goes to hospital feeling unwell.

The doctor says, "You have Corona Virus.

We're transferring you to a room where you will be fed a diet of pizza, toast & pancakes

." "Will that cure me?" asks the man.

"No," says the doctor. "It's the only food we can pass under the door!"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger...

It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles,

that I realised she wanted to rent out her spare room!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

In america, a vicar has been charged by the police for injecting himself with disinfectant. He's been charged with bleach of the priest.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Apparently IVF treatment for lesbians has been stopped due to Corona Virus...

The NHS are offering an alternative therapy using Trycoxagain!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

14 hours ago, narre said:

Apparently IVF treatment for lesbians has been stopped due to Corona Virus...

The NHS are offering an alternative therapy using Trycoxagain!

 

70D8A7DB-7AEC-4E6F-A6A4-AE433001E4AC.jpeg

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.




×
×
  • Create New...