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Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)


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guy with parkinsons goes out to the ice cream van, asks for a cone, ice cream seller says.what flavour, we have choc mint,vanilla,strawberry. parkinson guys says it wont matter as i will drop anyway..

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132goals1958

From Tam Cowan Off the ball yesterday

 

 

Two guys fighting over the last packet of toilet roll in the supermarket. One finally grabs it and runs away. The other shouts 

Stick they toilet rolls up your arse.

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luckyBatistuta

I asked my wife why she never tells me when she is about to orgasm.

 

She said she doesn’t like to interrupt me at my work.

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luckyBatistuta

"Push harder" I shouted at my wife while she was in labor. "Screw you" she screamed back at me.


 

Bit harsh I thought...... it wasn't my fault the car broke down on the way to the hospital!

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luckyBatistuta

The amount of Covid-19  jokes going around is becoming quite worrying.

 

If it keeps up, this could become a pundemic :65:

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luckyBatistuta

Just to make you all aware of a dangerous Coronavirus email going around titled ‘Knock Knock’

 

Do Not Open It

 

It was created by a Jehovah’s Witness working from home.

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luckyBatistuta

My wife only likes sex doggy style.

 

She makes me beg for it, then she rolls over and plays dead.

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A question to all those panic buying ice cream, tinned fruit and raspberry sauce;

 

are you planning to self isolate for a month of sundaes?

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Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther,
 
"Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different!  The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Susie got pregnant.
 
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Susie got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Susie didn't get pregnant again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Susie with me."
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Prince Charles is currently at Balmoral self isolating with Covid 19.

 

Meanwhile Prince Andrew is at Windsor Castle self isolating with Hannah 14.

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8 minutes ago, Vlad Magic said:

Prince Charles is currently at Balmoral self isolating with Covid 19.

 

Meanwhile Prince Andrew is at Windsor Castle self isolating with Hannah 14.

 

He got bored of Jennifer quickly.

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3 hours ago, kila said:

 

He got bored of Jennifer quickly.

He was also with fiona, Also 14, according to Facebook, the dirty dog.

Edited by superjack
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19 minutes ago, superjack said:

He was also with fiona, Also 14, according to Facebook, the dirty dog.

sounds like a really dodgy version of mambo no 5

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Me: *sends my son to his room*
My Son: Jim Morrison sucked!
Me: WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?

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On 23/03/2020 at 03:42, narre said:

If a blind girl tells you that you have a big dick...

She's probably pulling your leg!

 

On 23/03/2020 at 03:46, narre said:

My wife woke up with a huge smile on her face this morning...

 

I love felt tip pens!

 

It's not often at all that I laugh out loud at two jokes in quick succession on here. We're living in strange times indeed.

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I've applied to take over as coach of a football club in Sheffield. At the interview they asked if I was able to start the middle of next week.
Told them I couldn't manage Wednesday...........

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Last night I was arguing with the wife on how to cook a steak.

I said "I've watched loads of cooking  videos on youtube"

She said" You've watched plenty of porn too, but you're still shite at that"

 

 

Charming!

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What's the difference between Brussels sprouts and bogies?

Kids don't eat Brussels sprouts.

 

Hear about the paper cowboy?

 Got hung for rustling.

 

How many police officers to crack an egg?

None, it fell down the stairs M'lud

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This COVID-19 has got me into trouble. My wife is pissed off at me for spending too much time with the local laydees.

 

My hearing isn't so good, and I thought she told me to practice local dancing.

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132goals1958

Was told that if I don’t get off my computer and help with the dishes, she’ll slam my head on the keyboard. But I think she’s jokinddjspswdkjdpa’’4584+1sds;XS’,Z#ZAVMGGDSB,M

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Bunny Munro

Sea lions can move faster than humans both in the water, and on land. So if you face one in a triathlon you really have to make up time on the cycling.

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Unknown user
4 hours ago, ri Alban said:

Here about the lonely prisoner with Coronavirus?

He was in his cell.

That's my favourite joke with "with Coronavirus" stuck in :laugh2:

 

It's up there with the incontinent snail with Coronavirus- he pished his shell

Edited by Smithee
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1 minute ago, Smithee said:

That's my favourite joke with "with Coronavirus" stuck in :laugh2:

 

It's up there with the incontinent snail who had Coronavirus- he pished his shell

:rofl:

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4 hours ago, ri Alban said:

Here about the lonely prisoner with Coronavirus?

He was in his cell.

It's Hear, Dumbass. 

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luckyBatistuta

Two brothers aged 7 year old and 4 year old are in their bedroom.

 

The 7 yr old looks at his brother and says, "I think it's time we start swearing"

The brother nods in agreement.

"When we go downstairs, I'll be the first to swear and then you swear" says the 7 yr old.

The two brothers go downstairs and the mother asks what they want for breakfast.

"I'll have a bowl of cocoa puffs, bitch!"

The mother smacks the kid so hard that he flies out of his chair.

The mother asks the 4 yr old what he wants. Stunned, the 4 yr old says, "I don't know, but it won't be ####ing cocoa puffs!"

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luckyBatistuta

This COVID-19 is really beginning to upset me now.

 

I’ve got a mate in Africa called Dwayne, but because of the restrictions, we can’t see each other.

 

I miss Dwayne...down in Africa

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As I looked into her eyes I felt my knees go weak and my stomach turned to butterflies...

 

That's when I realised I'd drugged the wrong glass!

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If you get an E-mail from the Department for Health about tinned pork containing the corona virus Don’t open it it’s SPAM 

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luckyBatistuta
1 hour ago, narre said:

As I looked into her eyes I felt my knees go weak and my stomach turned to butterflies...

 

That's when I realised I'd drugged the wrong glass!

:rofl:

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luckyBatistuta

For my chemistry exam, I had to write a one hundred word essay on acid.

 

Unfortunately my pen turned into a gorilla and my desk melted into the floor below.

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luckyBatistuta

My ex wife is going to marry an Indian guy. I know he’s going to treat her well, as they worship cows.

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Kalamazoo Jambo
On 07/09/2015 at 20:50, Kalamazoo Jambo said:

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

 

Stick it in a microwave until its bill withers.

 

Re-upping given today's news. RIP Bill, you gave us great songs and one awful joke :(

 

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I P Knightley
13 minutes ago, Kalamazoo Jambo said:

 

Re-upping given today's news. RIP Bill, you gave us great songs and one awful joke :(

 

As I've just written in the RIP thread - one of the finest punchlines.

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If anyone decides to make a face mask out of an old bra,

please ensure you use the left side...

You don't want to look like a right tit!

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Things are really difficult these days.

 

I have a very short friend who's having trouble putting food on the table.

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