Jump to content

Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)


Unknown user

Recommended Posts

  • Replies 5.7k
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

  • narre

    629

  • superjack

    629

  • Morgan

    283

  • Carl Fredrickson

    240

Top Posters In This Topic

Posted Images

Kalamazoo Jambo
11 hours ago, Tazio said:

A priest, a vicar, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank. The rabbits says I think I’m a Type O. 

 

🙂

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I P Knightley
13 hours ago, Tazio said:

A priest, a vicar, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank. The rabbits says I think I’m a Type O. 

Stolen.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

7 minutes ago, I P Knightley said:

Stolen.

Correct. I like to think of it as redistributed. 
shameful as every other joke on this thread is an original from the mind of the poster :jj_facepalm:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I P Knightley
Just now, Tazio said:

Correct. I like to think of it as redistributed. 
shameful as every other joke on this thread is an original from the mind of the poster :jj_facepalm:

I meant it as a commendation, as in: "I have just stolen that and WhatsApped it to many friends who I hope now think I'm the finniest person they know" :D

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Just now, I P Knightley said:

I meant it as a commendation, as in: "I have just stolen that and WhatsApped it to many friends who I hope now think I'm the finniest person they know" :D

I’ll take that. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

6 minutes ago, I P Knightley said:

I meant it as a commendation, as in: "I have just stolen that and WhatsApped it to many friends who I hope now think I'm the finniest person they know" :D

 

How I took your comment too. I'm glad your friends think you're so finny.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I P Knightley
32 minutes ago, redjambo said:

 

How I took your comment too. I'm glad your friends think you're so finny.

I swim dead fast to them, tell a great joke then turn round and swim away dead fast before they know what's happened to them.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, I P Knightley said:

I swim dead fast to them, tell a great joke then turn round and swim away dead fast before they know what's happened to them.

 

4608050_0.jpg

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Purchase limits placed on shops in light of the Corona virus panic buying

. Asda: 2 hand sanitisers and a 4 pack of toilet rolls.

Tesco: 1 hand sanitiser, 500g of rice and 4 pack of toilet rolls.

Aldi: a welder, a pink sports bra, 2 trumpets, 1 spare wheel for a barrow!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My girlfriend said to me,

"I know you've been cheating on me with that girl from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch."

I said, "How can you say such a thing?"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Anyone want to buy 100 Scotch Eggs and 150 bite size sausage rolls?

I misread the headlines and thought everyone was picnic buying.

Bloody dyslexia!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

If I go into Edinburgh, I have to go really slowly, I'm banned from certain streets and it costs me a fortune if I want to stop anywhere.

 

I think I have carownervirus.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My family were a bit upset when I told them I had a case of Corona.

I told them not to worry, as I haven't opened it yet.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I've just arrived home from Denmark where I got I'll from handling their money.
Seems I have Kronervirus.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 13/02/2020 at 16:09, Tambo_The_Jambo said:

Guy down the street has a jag, a Ferrari and a Lamborghini, I said to him why u got so many motors? 

He say because I have the car-owner virus. 

 

@Tambo_The_Jambo I used this joke in a speech I gave at a wedding yesterday.  It brought the house down.  Thank you. :thumb:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Does anyone want to buy 150 mini pork pies, 150 mini quiches, 100 mini scotch eggs, 100 mini pizzas?

 

I misread the headlines and thought everyone was picnic buying.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Say What Again
On 07/03/2020 at 19:02, Der Kaiser said:

Last night I dreamed i weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.....I was like 0mg

😄

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Say What Again
On 09/03/2020 at 02:41, narre said:

BREAKING NEWS:

John Travolta was hospitalised yesterday for suspected Coronavirus...

Doctors have now confirmed it was only a Saturday night fever!

 

On 09/03/2020 at 18:30, I P Knightley said:

His symptoms were worrying. 

He had chills and they were multiplying. 


Glad to hear he'll be Stayin' Alive

Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, milky_26 said:

depends if his chills keep multiplying 

I think folk are getting Carried away with this. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

What did the blinds say to the curtains?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Nothing. Blinds can’t talk FFS. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I P Knightley
4 hours ago, Swanny17 said:

What did the blinds say to the curtains?

 

 

 

Nothing. Blinds can’t talk FFS. 

FFS, Swanny. You can't do that at a time like this when your public needs cheering up. 

 

Pull yourself together.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Me: "How much for anal?"

 

Hooker: "Sixty quid."

 

Me: "That's a bit expensive. I think I'll leave it."

 

Hooker: "Tight arse!"

 

Me: "Go on then, you've persuaded me!"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

5 hours ago, I P Knightley said:

FFS, Swanny. You can't do that at a time like this when your public needs cheering up. 

 

Pull yourself together.


😂

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I heard today that the makers of Corona beer are going to change its name.

 

Nothing to do with the virus, simply because it’s shite! 🍺

Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 11/03/2020 at 13:48, N Lincs Jambo said:

 

Mrs NLJ prefers your one to mine 😂

Nae luck, Lincs.

 

:oohmatron:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The doctor said, "I've got some bad news and some good news."

 

"Give me the bad new first doc", I said.

 

"Your blood  test was positive".

 

"What's the good news?"

 

"It was positive for AIDS."

Link to comment
Share on other sites

mrmarkus1981

In Germany they are preparing for the Coronavirus by stocking up with sausage and cheese.

 

That's the Wurst Kase scenario

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Today I was invited to smoke some blow with a female janitor at her flat. I turned her down as I don’t like high maintenance women.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A blind man hears about an operation that would give him back his full sight, but he is obviously a little bit sceptical.

He goes along to the surgery with his missus to discuss the procedure with the dr. He asks the doctor if there are any side effects. 
the dr tells him that after the surgery we won’t be able to maintain an erection.

Is that a common side effect? he asks

no the doctor says, it’s just that your wife is fecking ugly.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Just bumped into a chinese guy, He said "Isolate today!" 

I said, "you should have left earlier then"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Unknown user
4 hours ago, narre said:

The man who invented predictive text has died.

His funfairs next monkey. May he rust in piss.

:yas:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.




×
×
  • Create New...