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Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)


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man is in bed asleep with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at the clock, and it's half past three in the morning. Forget that for a game of soldiers, he thinks, and rolls over. Then a louder knock follows.....

'Are'nt you going to answer that ?' says his wife.

So reluctantly he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs, opens the door, and this bloke is stood outside.

'Hey mate' says the stranger 'can you give me a push?'

'No, go away !!!!!, it's half past three, and I was in bed' says the man and he shuts the door.

He goes back to bed and tells his wife what happened, and she says ' Thats an awful thing to do....remember that night when we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that mans door to help us get started again?..what would have happened if he had told us to go away?'

Feeling bad, the man gets out of bed again gets dressed and goes downstairs.

He opens the door and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts ' Eh mate, do you still want a push?'

He hears a voice cry out 'Yes please mate '

So still being unable to see the stranger he shouts ' Where are you?'

...the stranger replies..'I'm over here on the swings'.

 

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The World Health Organisation has declared that dogs cannot transmit Coronavirus,

and there is no reason to quarantine dogs anymore...

 

 

W.H.O. let the dogs out!

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You've got to admire some folk. My 90 year old neighbour's just back from walking in China and skiing in Italy.  Now he tells me he's going to TRNSMT.

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Walked into my bedroom to find my wife in bed with three policeman.

 

”HELLO, HELLO, HELLO!!!!” I said.

 

”You not talking to me?” she replied.... 

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highlandjambo3
2 hours ago, Angel eyes said:

Old MacDonald had Tourette’s E.I.E....C@#t E.I.O 

Old MacDonalds dyslexic......I.E.I.E.....R

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1 hour ago, Angel eyes said:

Old MacDonald had Tourette’s E.I.E....C@#t E.I.O 

😠 Not funny mate 

Edited by LeftBack
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12 hours ago, narre said:

Premature ejaculator seeks tall, hot girl with long legs, great arse, big perky tits and...

 

...Never mind!

 

This one falls into the "pure gold" part of the category.  :thumb:

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My neighbour just walked by with two dogs.

I said to him, "I didn't know you had any dogs?"

He replied, "They're not my dogs. They're my sisters.

" I said, "Wow, your sisters are really ugly!"

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The other night my girlfriend and I had parked in a quiet road for a bit of fun when a policeman caught us...

He gave me a ticket for doing 69 in a 30mph zone!

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My mate bought a signed photo of Ronnie Barker

and I bought one of Ronnie Corbett, both for 50p...

So it was a good buy for me and a good buy for him!

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I noticed two lesbians kissing in the bar and thought it would be a good chance to answer my query.

I asked, "What exactly is it about dicks that you don't like?

" One of them replied, "They ask stupid ****ing questions!"

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I had to buy Cushelle, as the shop had sold out of Andrex.

 

I found that on the whole they're just the same.

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132goals1958
22 hours ago, Swanny17 said:

Walked into my bedroom to find my wife in bed with three policeman.

 

”HELLO, HELLO, HELLO!!!!” I said.

 

”You not talking to me?” she replied.... 

 

The three policemen 👮‍♂️ probably had the same mother who used to shout up to them in the morning. Who wants cornflakes for their breakfast. The reply was. ME  MAW ME MAW ME MAW

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Sawdust Caesar

Me: I'm really excited about our date, I've been saving up all week for it.

Her: That's so sweet of you but I really don't mind splitting the bill.

Me: I'm not talking about money.

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On 04/03/2020 at 13:00, Maple Leaf said:

 

 

 

Great joke, but it will work only with Scots.  Canadians wouldn't get it either.

I was mugged by six dwarves last night.......not happy.

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A white stallion clopps into a pub.

'I've a bad day. Give me a double whisky.'

'What one? We have Johnny Walker, Jameson's, Glenmorangie or the one named after you..'

'Okay, give me a double Dobbin. '

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Unknown user
11 minutes ago, superjack said:

A white stallion clopps into a pub.

'I've a bad day. Give me a double whisky.'

'What one? We have Johnny Walker, Jameson's, Glenmorangie or the one named after you..'

'Okay, give me a double Dobbin. '

A white stallion clopps into a pub.

Barman goes "Why the long face?"

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What did the the drummer call his twin daughters?Anna one, Anna two.

Edited by Dawnrazor
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A man who can't stop singing Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin songs has been diagnosed with Crooners virus.

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BREAKING NEWS:

John Travolta was hospitalised yesterday for suspected Coronavirus...

Doctors have now confirmed it was only a Saturday night fever!

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9 hours ago, Dawnrazor said:

I was mugged by six dwarves last night.......not happy.

7 dwarfs in their bed, grumpy felt happy, so happy jumped out.

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After returning from an Italian holiday, my gay neighbour was advised to self isolate to help his anus ricovor.

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On 08/03/2020 at 02:40, narre said:

My mate bought a signed photo of Ronnie Barker

and I bought one of Ronnie Corbett, both for 50p...

So it was a good buy for me and a good buy for him!

 

I like it

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A 12 year old boy goes into the confession box and says,

"Forgive me father for I have sinned.

" The priest replies angrily, "You better not be cheating on me, you little *******!"

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I called the doctor.

"My wife is going into labour! What should I do?"

"Is this her first child?" he asked.

"No, this is her husband!"

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I P Knightley
15 hours ago, narre said:

BREAKING NEWS:

John Travolta was hospitalised yesterday for suspected Coronavirus...

Doctors have now confirmed it was only a Saturday night fever!

His symptoms were worrying. 

He had chills and they were multiplying. 

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Doing my weekly shop in Tesco today. I was horrified to find they had no toilet paper at all.
Reluctantly I headed for the checkout and asked if they had any. A firm NO was the answer.
Walking back to the toilets with my pants and trousers around my ankles was a walk of shame 😔

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On 04/03/2020 at 23:27, John Gentleman said:

 

Tried it on some Aussie colleagues today. Got the 'WTF?' look.

Must be the way we (Scots) pronounce it.

Good luck trying it on with the Kiwis Doug.

Tried it on the wife who just looked at me blankly.  

 

Told her the Chic Murray one about the prison warder on death row who said to the condemned man "sorry mate, your times up, come with me".  Guy replies "hang on, I know my rights, I'm entitled to my breakfast"  Warder responds, " don't know about that son, I'm just here to make sure you don't get your lunch".

 

Wife told me that was cruel and heartless.  

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On 08/03/2020 at 20:15, Dawnrazor said:

What did the the drummer call his twin daughters?Anna one, Anna two.

 

😁👏

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John Gentleman
3 hours ago, Kiwidoug said:

Tried it on the wife who just looked at me blankly.  

 

Told her the Chic Murray one about the prison warder on death row who said to the condemned man "sorry mate, your times up, come with me".  Guy replies "hang on, I know my rights, I'm entitled to my breakfast"  Warder responds, " don't know about that son, I'm just here to make sure you don't get your lunch".

 

Wife told me that was cruel and heartless.  

Classic Chic Murray, lol.

"I was walking down the street today. I kew I was walking because the lamposts kept passing by."

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THREE  DINOSAURS STUMBLE ACROSS a MAGICAL Lamp!!!

They rub it, and a genie appears.

"I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.

The first dinosaur thinks hard.

"Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat."

Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appears in front of him.

Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder.

"I know! I'll have a shower of meat!"

Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him.

The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs.

"I've got it!" he cries, "I want a MEATIER shower!

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10 hours ago, Cairneyhill Jambo said:

I bet the guy who invented sanitising gel must be rubbing his hands now. 

 

Things must be getting bad, I just saw a fly using hand gel.

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Some people aren't shaking hands because of the Coronavirus...

I'm not shaking hands because everyone is out of ****ing toilet paper!

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I met Arnold Schwarznegger coming out of Tesco the other day with a load of toilet paper under his arm. 

 

I asked him where he got it and he replied,

 

"Aisle B, back."

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N Lincs Jambo

Unashamedly nicked off Facebook:

 

Q. Why did the guitarist go to jail?

 

A. For fingering A Minor.

 

I’ll get my coat 😂

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Horatio Caine

Several sales executives from the local Toyota dealership have fallen ill.  They have been tested positive for corolla virus.

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I P Knightley
16 hours ago, N Lincs Jambo said:

Unashamedly nicked off Facebook:

 

Q. Why did the guitarist go to jail?

 

A. For fingering A Minor.

 

I’ll get my coat 😂

What happened when a piano fell down a coal mine?

 

They got A flat Miner

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N Lincs Jambo
20 minutes ago, I P Knightley said:

What happened when a piano fell down a coal mine?

 

They got A flat Miner

 

Mrs NLJ prefers your one to mine 😂

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The Germans are getting seriously worried about Corona virus.

 

They’ve started putting their towels down on hospital beds 😂

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My boss said he is going to sack the employee with the worst posture.

I have a hunch, it might be me.

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