¼½¾ Posted February 16, 2020 Share Posted February 16, 2020 For Valentine's Day, I bought my wife a gold necklace from eBay. After I'd fastened it on, her skin started to go a funny blue colour, so I assumed it was a fake. Turned out it was a bracelet. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted February 18, 2020 Share Posted February 18, 2020 A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The barman says, "What an interesting pet. What's his name?" "Tiny," the man replies. "What an odd name. Why do you call him Tiny?" "Because, he's my newt!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted February 18, 2020 Share Posted February 18, 2020 A 13 year old weasel walks into a bar and approaches the counter. The bartender immediately notices the underage weasel. "Sir, you look extremely young. I can't serve you even a single beer". "Oh c'mon. You can't just slide me one?" "Can't and will not serve to anyone under age". "Fine. Well what other things do you have?" "Well for non-alcoholic drinks I have tap water and bottled water, I have coffee, and I have pop. Which would you like?" "Pop" goes the weasel. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jeff Posted February 18, 2020 Share Posted February 18, 2020 5 minutes ago, superjack said: A 13 year old weasel walks into a bar and approaches the counter. The bartender immediately notices the underage weasel. "Sir, you look extremely young. I can't serve you even a single beer". "Oh c'mon. You can't just slide me one?" "Can't and will not serve to anyone under age". "Fine. Well what other things do you have?" "Well for non-alcoholic drinks I have tap water and bottled water, I have coffee, and I have pop. Which would you like?" "Pop" goes the weasel. Fs Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unknown user Posted February 19, 2020 Author Share Posted February 19, 2020 4 hours ago, Jeff said: Fs yep Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted February 19, 2020 Share Posted February 19, 2020 11 hours ago, Jeff said: Fs 6 hours ago, Smithee said: yep Boooooo. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unknown user Posted February 19, 2020 Author Share Posted February 19, 2020 1 minute ago, superjack said: Boooooo. It's the reason this thread exists mate, what's a crap joke without a "jesus christ" in response? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted February 19, 2020 Share Posted February 19, 2020 3 hours ago, Smithee said: It's the reason this thread exists mate, what's a crap joke without a "jesus christ" in response? I know, I just thought it was an amazing joke. Well it would have been after 10 pints and a few smokes. 😉 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted February 20, 2020 Share Posted February 20, 2020 People often ask me, how I manage to smuggle chocolate into the pictures? Well....I have a few Twix up my sleeve Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
¼½¾ Posted February 20, 2020 Share Posted February 20, 2020 In a job interview, the manager is looking at an American applicant's CV, and asks him, "Why is there a 4 year gap?". The guy says "Yale." "Can you start on Monday? "Great, I was desperate for a yob." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted February 21, 2020 Share Posted February 21, 2020 8 hours ago, superjack said: People often ask me, how I manage to smuggle chocolate into the pictures? Well....I have a few Twix up my sleeve That's a REVELation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redjambo Posted February 21, 2020 Share Posted February 21, 2020 On 18/02/2020 at 19:41, superjack said: A 13 year old weasel walks into a bar and approaches the counter. The bartender immediately notices the underage weasel. "Sir, you look extremely young. I can't serve you even a single beer". "Oh c'mon. You can't just slide me one?" "Can't and will not serve to anyone under age". "Fine. Well what other things do you have?" "Well for non-alcoholic drinks I have tap water and bottled water, I have coffee, and I have pop. Which would you like?" "Pop" goes the weasel. I agree with other people's comments on this joke. What was the weasel in weasel years? If we're talking the common UK species, Mustela nivalis, they have an average lifespan of 2-3 years. For a weasel to get to 13, it would be the equivalent of over 400 years old, i.e. not very possible. That barman should be sacked if he thought that weasel looked "extremely young" - you just can't get the staff these days. Give that very geriatric weasel the run of the bar, I say!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
highlandjambo3 Posted February 21, 2020 Share Posted February 21, 2020 4 hours ago, ri Alban said: That's a REVELation. He was bounty say that Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted February 21, 2020 Share Posted February 21, 2020 5 hours ago, highlandjambo3 said: He was bounty say that An out of the galaxy pun. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted February 22, 2020 Share Posted February 22, 2020 I asked the surgeon if I could administer my own anaesthetic. "Go ahead," he said, "Knock yourself out." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vlad Magic Posted February 23, 2020 Share Posted February 23, 2020 I’ve just been diagnosed with Corona Virus. If anyone knows anyone with Lymes disease could they pass on my details please? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JFK-1 Posted February 23, 2020 Share Posted February 23, 2020 Donald Trump goes into a library and loudly says a big mac and fries please. The librarian says, sir, this is a library. Trump looks embarrassed, whispers, a big mac and fries please. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sawdust Caesar Posted February 25, 2020 Share Posted February 25, 2020 I brought my daughter to my office on a take-your-kid-to-work day, and after about ten minutes she started crying. I said "What's wrong? Aren't you having a good time?" "No!" she said. "Where are all the clowns you said you worked with?!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted February 26, 2020 Share Posted February 26, 2020 I bet Rick Astley really struggles with Lent. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted February 26, 2020 Share Posted February 26, 2020 A couple are driving home when they run over a badger. They get out & discover the badger is still breathing but freezing cold . The husband says, "Put it between your legs to warm it up ." The wife replies, "But it's all wet & it stinks." He says, "Well hold the badgers nose then!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted February 26, 2020 Share Posted February 26, 2020 My hibby mate was telling me about the Annual Incest competition... He entered his sister! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted February 27, 2020 Share Posted February 27, 2020 Just before Paddy walks in the pub, he sees a dog jobbie at the door. So he picks it up, walks in and says to his mate "Hey Mick, look what I nearly stood on". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted March 2, 2020 Share Posted March 2, 2020 I started a band 6 months ago called 999 megabytes. We still haven't got a gig yet. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Meadows Posted March 3, 2020 Share Posted March 3, 2020 On 21/02/2020 at 14:19, superjack said: An out of the galaxy pun. you can stick your puns up Mars .... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted March 3, 2020 Share Posted March 3, 2020 The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup. I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted March 3, 2020 Share Posted March 3, 2020 I'll never forget my first day at school. I forgot my PE kit and had to do the lesson in my underpants... And that's how lost my job as a teacher! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted March 3, 2020 Share Posted March 3, 2020 I was in the chemist and I said to the assistant, "What gets rid of coronavirus?" She said, "Ammonia cleaner." I said, "Oh sorry, I thought you worked here!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kiwidoug Posted March 4, 2020 Share Posted March 4, 2020 22 hours ago, narre said: I was in the chemist and I said to the assistant, "What gets rid of coronavirus?" She said, "Ammonia cleaner." I said, "Oh sorry, I thought you worked here!" Top notch topical joke. I'll use it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Gentleman Posted March 4, 2020 Share Posted March 4, 2020 On 03/03/2020 at 17:28, narre said: I was in the chemist and I said to the assistant, "What gets rid of coronavirus?" She said, "Ammonia cleaner." I said, "Oh sorry, I thought you worked here!" 5 hours ago, Kiwidoug said: Top notch topical joke. I'll use it. Tried it on some Aussie colleagues today. Got the 'WTF?' look. Must be the way we (Scots) pronounce it. Good luck trying it on with the Kiwis Doug. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A Boy Named Crow Posted March 4, 2020 Share Posted March 4, 2020 (edited) 59 minutes ago, John Gentleman said: Tried it on some Aussie colleagues today. Got the 'WTF?' look. Must be the way we (Scots) pronounce it. Good luck trying it on with the Kiwis Doug. Yup tried it tonight on a room full of Aussies (including the wife, who is well used to my level of humour). The tumbleweed just rolled on through... Edited March 4, 2020 by A Boy Named Crow Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted March 4, 2020 Share Posted March 4, 2020 On 03/03/2020 at 01:58, narre said: I was in the chemist and I said to the assistant, "What gets rid of coronavirus?" She said, "Ammonia cleaner." I said, "Oh sorry, I thought you worked here!" 2 hours ago, John Gentleman said: Tried it on some Aussie colleagues today. Got the 'WTF?' look. Must be the way we (Scots) pronounce it. Good luck trying it on with the Kiwis Doug. 1 hour ago, A Boy Named Crow said: Yup tried it tonight on a room full of Aussies (including the wife, who is well used to my level of humour). The tumbleweed just rolled on through... Great joke, but it will work only with Scots. Canadians wouldn't get it either. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dawnrazor Posted March 4, 2020 Share Posted March 4, 2020 2 hours ago, Maple Leaf said: Great joke, but it will work only with Scots. Canadians wouldn't get it either. Or the English. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
highlandjambo3 Posted March 4, 2020 Share Posted March 4, 2020 3 hours ago, Maple Leaf said: Great joke, but it will work only with Scots. Canadians wouldn't get it either. True story..... reminds me of a time in Bosnia rebuilding a kindergarten in Novi Travnic........we were due a visit from the UN Secretary General and, it was a big deal, tv cameras CNN, Sky the lot so, along comes his car entourage and out he gets. Hundreds of people in attendance including about 60odd kids who used to hang about and watch us work every day and generally get into mischief. Then the kids started chanting “cheesy bellender.......cheesy bellender” at the top of their voices 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂. We used interpreters often because of the language barrier and, one of the guys got a hold of an interpreter and said it was a custom to greet a great Scotsman in our homeland by chanting “cheesy bellender” so, she passed this onto the kids.....hilarious....cracks me up thinking about it. So you could hear this later on the news but, fortunately cheesy bellender was not a term anyone outside Scotland was familiar with........ There were grown adults pishing themselves laughing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted March 4, 2020 Share Posted March 4, 2020 2 hours ago, highlandjambo3 said: True story..... reminds me of a time in Bosnia rebuilding a kindergarten in Novi Travnic........we were due a visit from the UN Secretary General and, it was a big deal, tv cameras CNN, Sky the lot so, along comes his car entourage and out he gets. Hundreds of people in attendance including about 60odd kids who used to hang about and watch us work every day and generally get into mischief. Then the kids started chanting “cheesy bellender.......cheesy bellender” at the top of their voices 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂. We used interpreters often because of the language barrier and, one of the guys got a hold of an interpreter and said it was a custom to greet a great Scotsman in our homeland by chanting “cheesy bellender” so, she passed this onto the kids.....hilarious....cracks me up thinking about it. So you could hear this later on the news but, fortunately cheesy bellender was not a term anyone outside Scotland was familiar with........ There were grown adults pishing themselves laughing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darren Posted March 4, 2020 Share Posted March 4, 2020 On 02/03/2020 at 22:36, superjack said: I started a band 6 months ago called 999 megabytes. We still haven't got a gig yet. Neither have 1,023 megabytes, although they are closer to it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redjambo Posted March 5, 2020 Share Posted March 5, 2020 11 hours ago, Darren said: Neither have 1,023 megabytes, although they are closer to it. Mebi. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted March 5, 2020 Share Posted March 5, 2020 On 04/03/2020 at 14:00, Maple Leaf said: Great joke, but it will work only with Scots. Canadians wouldn't get it either. I sent it to our friends in California. They were like Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted March 5, 2020 Share Posted March 5, 2020 The worst pub I've ever been to was called ..The Fiddle. It really was a vile inn. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted March 5, 2020 Share Posted March 5, 2020 41 minutes ago, Morgan said: I sent it to our friends in California. They were like No surprise there! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted March 5, 2020 Share Posted March 5, 2020 19 minutes ago, Maple Leaf said: No surprise there! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted March 5, 2020 Share Posted March 5, 2020 32 minutes ago, superjack said: The worst pub I've ever been to was called ..The Fiddle. It really was a vile inn. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted March 5, 2020 Share Posted March 5, 2020 5 hours ago, Morgan said: And there was me thinking it was joke of the page. Mist try harder next time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted March 6, 2020 Share Posted March 6, 2020 A woman walked in the pub with a leg of lamb on her shoulder, a chicken on her head and a joint of beef under her arm. My mate said to me, "I like a woman with a bit of meat on her!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted March 6, 2020 Share Posted March 6, 2020 A shop assistant tried stopping an armed robber by attacking him with a labeling gun. Police are now looking for a man with a price on his head! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted March 6, 2020 Share Posted March 6, 2020 This year, I'm giving up auto correct for lint. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted March 6, 2020 Share Posted March 6, 2020 Why is Italy shaped like a boot, because they couldn't fit that much shite in a shoe. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Angel eyes Posted March 6, 2020 Share Posted March 6, 2020 A chicken pie in Jamaica is £3 a beef and onion pie in Trinidad is £2:75 and a meat pie in Barbados is £2:50 these are the pie rates of the Caribbean i thank you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyBatistuta Posted March 6, 2020 Share Posted March 6, 2020 11 hours ago, ri Alban said: Why is Italy shaped like a boot, because they couldn't fit that much shite in a shoe. Boooo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted March 6, 2020 Share Posted March 6, 2020 3 hours ago, Angel eyes said: A chicken pie in Jamaica is £3 a beef and onion pie in Trinidad is £2:75 and a meat pie in Barbados is £2:50 these are the pie rates of the Caribbean i thank you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LeftBack Posted March 6, 2020 Share Posted March 6, 2020 2 hours ago, Angel eyes said: A chicken pie in Jamaica is £3 a beef and onion pie in Trinidad is £2:75 and a meat pie in Barbados is £2:50 these are the pie rates of the Caribbean i thank you. 😃 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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