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Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)


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For Valentine's Day, I bought my wife a gold necklace from eBay.

After I'd fastened it on, her skin started to go a funny blue colour,

so I assumed it was a fake.

 

Turned out it was a bracelet.

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A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.

The barman says, "What an interesting pet. What's his name?"

"Tiny," the man replies. "What an odd name. Why do you call him Tiny?"

 

 

"Because, he's my newt!"

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A 13 year old weasel walks into a bar and approaches the counter. The bartender immediately notices the underage weasel. "Sir, you look extremely young. I can't serve you even a single beer". "Oh c'mon. You can't just slide me one?" "Can't and will not serve to anyone under age". "Fine. Well what other things do you have?" "Well for non-alcoholic drinks I have tap water and bottled water, I have coffee, and I have pop. Which would you like?" "Pop" goes the weasel.

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5 minutes ago, superjack said:

A 13 year old weasel walks into a bar and approaches the counter. The bartender immediately notices the underage weasel. "Sir, you look extremely young. I can't serve you even a single beer". "Oh c'mon. You can't just slide me one?" "Can't and will not serve to anyone under age". "Fine. Well what other things do you have?" "Well for non-alcoholic drinks I have tap water and bottled water, I have coffee, and I have pop. Which would you like?" "Pop" goes the weasel.

 

Fs

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1 minute ago, superjack said:

 

Boooooo.

It's the reason this thread exists mate, what's a crap joke without a "jesus christ" in response?

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3 hours ago, Smithee said:

It's the reason this thread exists mate, what's a crap joke without a "jesus christ" in response?

I know, I just thought it was an amazing joke. Well it would have been after 10 pints and a few smokes. 😉

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In a job interview, the manager is looking at an American applicant's CV, and asks him, "Why is there a 4 year gap?".

  The guy says "Yale."

"Can you start on Monday?

   "Great, I was desperate for a yob."

 

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8 hours ago, superjack said:

People often ask me, how I manage to smuggle chocolate into the pictures?
Well....I have a few Twix up my sleeve

That's a REVELation. 

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On 18/02/2020 at 19:41, superjack said:

A 13 year old weasel walks into a bar and approaches the counter. The bartender immediately notices the underage weasel. "Sir, you look extremely young. I can't serve you even a single beer". "Oh c'mon. You can't just slide me one?" "Can't and will not serve to anyone under age". "Fine. Well what other things do you have?" "Well for non-alcoholic drinks I have tap water and bottled water, I have coffee, and I have pop. Which would you like?" "Pop" goes the weasel.

 

I agree with other people's comments on this joke.

 

What was the weasel in weasel years?

 

If we're talking the common UK species, Mustela nivalis, they have an average lifespan of 2-3 years. For a weasel to get to 13, it would be the equivalent of over 400 years old, i.e. not very possible. That barman should be sacked if he thought that weasel looked "extremely young" - you just can't get the staff these days. Give that very geriatric weasel the run of the bar, I say!!!

 

:wink:

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Donald Trump goes into a library and loudly says a big mac and fries please. The librarian says, sir, this is a library. Trump looks embarrassed, whispers, a big mac and fries please.

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Sawdust Caesar

I brought my daughter to my office on a take-your-kid-to-work day, and after about ten minutes she started crying.

 

I said "What's wrong? Aren't you having a good time?"

 

"No!" she said. "Where are all the clowns you said you worked with?!"

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A couple are driving home when they run over a badger.

They get out & discover the badger is still breathing but freezing cold

. The husband says, "Put it between your legs to warm it up

." The wife replies, "But it's all wet & it stinks."

He says, "Well hold the badgers nose then!"

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Just before Paddy walks in the pub, he sees a dog jobbie at the door. So he picks it up, walks in and says to his mate "Hey Mick, look what I nearly stood on".

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The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup.

I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet!"

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I'll never forget my first day at school.

I forgot my PE kit and had to do the lesson in my underpants...

And that's how lost my job as a teacher!

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I was in the chemist and I said to the assistant,

"What gets rid of coronavirus?"

She said, "Ammonia cleaner."

I said, "Oh sorry, I thought you worked here!"

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22 hours ago, narre said:

I was in the chemist and I said to the assistant,

"What gets rid of coronavirus?"

She said, "Ammonia cleaner."

I said, "Oh sorry, I thought you worked here!"

Top notch topical joke.  I'll use it.

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John Gentleman
On 03/03/2020 at 17:28, narre said:

I was in the chemist and I said to the assistant,

"What gets rid of coronavirus?"

She said, "Ammonia cleaner."

I said, "Oh sorry, I thought you worked here!"

 

5 hours ago, Kiwidoug said:

Top notch topical joke.  I'll use it.

Tried it on some Aussie colleagues today. Got the 'WTF?' look.

Must be the way we (Scots) pronounce it.

Good luck trying it on with the Kiwis Doug.

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A Boy Named Crow
59 minutes ago, John Gentleman said:

 

Tried it on some Aussie colleagues today. Got the 'WTF?' look.

Must be the way we (Scots) pronounce it.

Good luck trying it on with the Kiwis Doug.

Yup tried it tonight on a room full of Aussies (including the wife,  who is well used to my level of humour). The tumbleweed just rolled on through...

Edited by A Boy Named Crow
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On 03/03/2020 at 01:58, narre said:

I was in the chemist and I said to the assistant,

"What gets rid of coronavirus?"

She said, "Ammonia cleaner."

I said, "Oh sorry, I thought you worked here!"

 

2 hours ago, John Gentleman said:

 

Tried it on some Aussie colleagues today. Got the 'WTF?' look.

Must be the way we (Scots) pronounce it.

Good luck trying it on with the Kiwis Doug.

 

1 hour ago, A Boy Named Crow said:

Yup tried it tonight on a room full of Aussies (including the wife,  who is well used to my level of humour). The tumbleweed just rolled on through...

 

Great joke, but it will work only with Scots.  Canadians wouldn't get it either.

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2 hours ago, Maple Leaf said:

 

 

 

Great joke, but it will work only with Scots.  Canadians wouldn't get it either.

Or the English.

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highlandjambo3
3 hours ago, Maple Leaf said:

 

 

 

Great joke, but it will work only with Scots.  Canadians wouldn't get it either.

True story.....

 

reminds me of a time in Bosnia rebuilding a kindergarten in Novi Travnic........we were due a visit from the UN Secretary General and, it was a big deal, tv cameras CNN, Sky the lot so, along comes his car entourage and out he gets.  Hundreds of people in attendance including about 60odd kids who used to hang about and watch us work every day and generally get into mischief.

 

Then the kids started chanting “cheesy bellender.......cheesy bellender” at the top of their voices 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂.

 

We used interpreters often because of the language barrier and, one of the guys got a hold of an interpreter and said it was a custom to greet a great Scotsman in our homeland by chanting “cheesy bellender” so, she passed this onto the kids.....hilarious....cracks me up thinking about it.  So you could hear this later on the news but, fortunately cheesy bellender was not a term anyone outside Scotland was familiar with........

 

There were grown adults pishing themselves laughing.

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2 hours ago, highlandjambo3 said:

True story.....

 

reminds me of a time in Bosnia rebuilding a kindergarten in Novi Travnic........we were due a visit from the UN Secretary General and, it was a big deal, tv cameras CNN, Sky the lot so, along comes his car entourage and out he gets.  Hundreds of people in attendance including about 60odd kids who used to hang about and watch us work every day and generally get into mischief.

 

Then the kids started chanting “cheesy bellender.......cheesy bellender” at the top of their voices 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂.

 

We used interpreters often because of the language barrier and, one of the guys got a hold of an interpreter and said it was a custom to greet a great Scotsman in our homeland by chanting “cheesy bellender” so, she passed this onto the kids.....hilarious....cracks me up thinking about it.  So you could hear this later on the news but, fortunately cheesy bellender was not a term anyone outside Scotland was familiar with........

 

There were grown adults pishing themselves laughing.

 

:biggrin:

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On 02/03/2020 at 22:36, superjack said:

I started a band 6 months ago called 999 megabytes.

We still haven't got a gig yet.

 

Neither have 1,023 megabytes, although they are closer to it.

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11 hours ago, Darren said:

 

Neither have 1,023 megabytes, although they are closer to it.

 

Mebi.

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On 04/03/2020 at 14:00, Maple Leaf said:

 

 

 

Great joke, but it will work only with Scots.  Canadians wouldn't get it either.

I sent it to our friends in California.

 

They were like :wtfvlad:

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41 minutes ago, Morgan said:

I sent it to our friends in California.

 

They were like :wtfvlad:

 

No surprise there!  :biggrin:

 

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32 minutes ago, superjack said:

The worst pub I've ever been to was called ..The Fiddle. It really was a vile inn.

:getout:

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5 hours ago, Morgan said:

:getout:

And there was me thinking it was joke of the page. Mist try harder next time.

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A woman walked in the pub with a leg of lamb on her shoulder, a chicken on her head and a joint of beef under her arm.

My mate said to me, "I like a woman with a bit of meat on her!"

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A shop assistant tried stopping an armed robber by attacking him with a labeling gun.

Police are now looking for a man with a price on his head!

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A chicken pie in Jamaica is £3

a beef and onion pie in Trinidad is £2:75

and a meat pie in Barbados is £2:50

these are the pie rates of the Caribbean 

 

 

 

i thank you.

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luckyBatistuta
11 hours ago, ri Alban said:

Why is Italy shaped like a boot, because they couldn't fit that much shite in a shoe. 

Boooo

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3 hours ago, Angel eyes said:

A chicken pie in Jamaica is £3

a beef and onion pie in Trinidad is £2:75

and a meat pie in Barbados is £2:50

these are the pie rates of the Caribbean 

 

 

 

i thank you.

 

:getout:

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2 hours ago, Angel eyes said:

A chicken pie in Jamaica is £3

a beef and onion pie in Trinidad is £2:75

and a meat pie in Barbados is £2:50

these are the pie rates of the Caribbean 

 

 

 

i thank you.

😃

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