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Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)


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Nurse came in and said Doc, there,s a man in the waiting room who thinks he is invisible, what should I tell him,?.

The doctor said tell him I can,t see him today.

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12 hours ago, narre said:

Three men book into a busy ski lodge so they have to share a bed.

Man on the right wakes up and says,

"I had this vivid dream of getting a hand job."

Man on the left wakes and says, "I had the same dream.

" Man in the middle wakes and says, "That's funny. I dreamt I was skiing!"

😅

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"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
- George Burns

"What do I know about sex? I'm a married man."
- Tom Clancy

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things
that money can buy."
- Steve Martin

"You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither."
- Drew Carey

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd
better have a good hand."
- Paul Ruben

"If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all."
- Rodney Dangerfield

"My cousin is an agoraphobic homosexual, which makes it kind of hard for him
to come out of the closet."
- Bill Kelly

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
- Woody Allen

"I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty."
- George Burns

"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
- Matt Barry

"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the
taxidermist."
- Camille Paglia

"A number of mechanical devices increase sexual arousal, particularly in
women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible."
- Steve Martin

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Not hugely funny however sometimes justice on scumbags does make you smile.

 

There is a local scroat round here called Callum Wilson. Cal to his mates.

 

Well this particular little shit thinks it’s acceptable to break into people homes. Steal car keys and belongings and drive off in their cars. He also has been blamed for a number of house fires.

 

His calling card is to put bricks into peoples washing machines and turn it on before making his escape. The washing machines literally bounce themselves to pieces with some bursting into flames.

 

Unfortunately Cal was found dead over the weekend as a result of a suspected drug overdose.

 

Not wishing ill on anyone but if anyone deserved this Cal did.

 

Further good news.

 

Washing machines live longer with Cal gone 👍

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I was busy in my garden and the neighbour looked over the fence and said,

"What are you doing?"

I said, "I'm putting all my plants in alphabetical order."

She replied, "Really? I don't know how you find the time."

"Oh that's easy," I said. "It's right next to the sage!"

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luckyBatistuta

A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, "Anything you say can and will be held against you." The man replies, "Boobs!"

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luckyBatistuta

It's been raining for 3 days now without stopping. My wife is starting to get depressed, she is just standing there and looking through the window. If the rain doesn't stop tomorrow, I'll maybe have to let her in.

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Why does the crack in your arse go up and down, instead of sideways? 

Encase you fall down the stair it doesn't go 'Blub Blub Blub' (Noise you make with your finger and bottom lip)

 

 

 

 

 

 

Feck it

 

:mmtaxi:

 

 

 

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luckyBatistuta
3 minutes ago, ri Alban said:

Why does the crack in your arse go up and down, instead of sideways? 

Encase you fall down the stair it doesn't go 'Blub Blub Blub' (Noise you make with your finger and bottom lip)

 

 

 

 

 

 

Feck it

 

:mmtaxi:

 

 

 

It’s not funny if you have to explain it😜

 

 

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4 hours ago, luckyBatistuta said:

A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, "Anything you say can and will be held against you." The man replies, "Boobs!"

 

A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, "Anything you say can and will be taken down." The man replies, "Knickers!"

 

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luckyBatistuta
12 minutes ago, Maple Leaf said:

 

A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, "Anything you say can and will be taken down." The man replies, "Knickers!"

 

image.png.a6851cbd09427499075ead053101c424.png

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  • 2 weeks later...
7 hours ago, superjack said:

I got hit on the head when someone threw a jar of mayonnaise. I was like “what the Hellmann”.

Eggcellent!

 

 

:facepalm:

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An 80-year-old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling.

 

"I've never been better!" he replies. "I've got an 18-year-old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So he's in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appears in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the bear, and squeezes the handle. The bear drops dead in front of him, suffering from a bullet wound in his its chest."

 

"That's impossible! Someone else must have shot that bear," the man said.

 

"Exactly," replies the Doc.

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2 blokes, Donald and kenny, are talking after work on a Monday. Donald was all excited as he was telling kenny about the session he was at on Saturday night. “You won’t believe it kenny, the house had a solid gold toilet, the folk must be loaded”. “Away you go, don’t talk mince” kenny says.

Donald says”I’ll take you to the house to show you, trust me”.

After driving for a few minutes, Donald knocks on a door. A woman answers it and Donald says “sorry to bother you, but I was at a session here on Saturday and my mate doesn’t believe that you actually have a solid gold toilet in your house”.

The woman looks at home for 20 seconds and then shouts into the house “Alan, the dirty bugger who shat in your trombone is at the door”.

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alwaysthereinspirit
24 minutes ago, superjack said:

I’ve just quit my job in the helium factory, I won’t put up with being spoken to in that tone.

It was funnier the first time. 😘

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Fire_At_The_Disco

Guy down the street has a jag, a Ferrari and a Lamborghini, I said to him why u got so many motors? 

He say because I have the car-owner virus. 

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For the past twenty years, I've been getting a Valentine's card from the same secret admirer.

So, I was pretty sad not to get one this year.

 

 

 

 

First my granny dies, now this?

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My boss said to me, "You are the worst train driver ever.

How many trains have you derailed this year?"

"I don't know," I replied. "It's hard to keep track!"

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On 07/02/2020 at 11:38, I P Knightley said:

You can't lose a homing pigeon. 

 

If it doesn't come home, it was just a pigeon. 

 

Just like there is no alternative medicine. As soon as it works, it's medicine.

 

 

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I met a Dalek in the pub who claimed he was from Devon

so I asked him, "Whereabouts in Devon are you from mate?"

 

 

He replied, "EXETER MATE! EXETER MATE!"

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I P Knightley
1 hour ago, narre said:
 
Looking for a bit of advice.
What's the best number of Roses to give the girlfriend for Valentine's Day?
6?
12?
24?
 
 
 
Or the whole tin?

Don't overthink it. Just give her 1. 

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Cairneyhill Jambo

Panda walks into a bar and asks the barman "can i have a vodka and.............................................................cola please?"

 

The barman replies "whats the big pause all about? "

 

The panda says "**** knows, i was born with them."

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Bill was walking down the street when he ran into an old friend he hadn't seen for a while, so they went into a coffee shop to catch up.

"Did you hear that old Dave died the other day?" Bill asked. "What? But I just saw him last week! How did it happen?" "Well, he was coming around to my place when his car skidded on the stones out front, smashed through the fence, flipped into the air and he was hurled through the windscreen and straight through the upstairs bedroom window".

"Boy, poor old Dave. What a way to go".

"No, that didn't kill him. There he was, lying in broken glass on the bedroom floor, so he grabbed hold of the wardrobe door handle to pull himself up, and ended up tipping the whole thing over, fell right on top of him".

"Damn! Crushed to death!"

"No, that didn't kill him. He got to his feet, tripped on the loose glass, staggered out the bedroom door and straight down the stairs, taking the banisters with him. Ended up at the bottom of the stairs with a banister pole through his chest".

"Speared to death! My god!"

"No, that didn't kill him. He managed to stand up and go into the kitchen, slipped on the blood from his chest, fell forward, went straight through the glass oven door and ended up with his head in the roasting pan".

"So gassed to death!"

"No, that didn't kill him. He picked himself up and..."

"Wait a minute, after all that he still wasn't dead? How did he die then?" "I shot him". "You shot him??? Why???" "I had to... he was wrecking the place!

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Wife phoned me from work on Valentine's Day saying three of the girls in the office had received flowers and they're absolutely gorgeous.

That's probably why they got the flowers then and you didn't, I replied. 

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I went to my local Blockbusters and asked if I could borrow Batman Forever.

 

No, said the assistant, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow.

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I once went out with a nurse.

One night whilst in the hospital carpark,

I got down on one knee and asked for her hand in marriage...

She turned me down on medical grounds!

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In an attempt to use sex to encourage me to do some jobs in and around the house,

my wife walked up to me and said, "I'll make you a deal.

You go outside and cut the hedges, and I'll shave my pussy."

I replied, "Don't be stupid. We can't both use the hedge trimmer at once!"

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