Jump to content

Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)


Unknown user

Recommended Posts

21 hours ago, Swanny17 said:


For her last birthday, I got my wife an elephant for the living room. "Thank you" she said.  "Don't mention it" I replied.

I’m not normally slow but, I have read this a few times and just don’t get it?

 

:sadrobbo:

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Replies 5.7k
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

  • narre

    629

  • superjack

    629

  • Morgan

    283

  • Carl Fredrickson

    240

Top Posters In This Topic

Posted Images

Sawdust Caesar
3 minutes ago, Morgan said:

I’m not normally slow but, I have read this a few times and just don’t get it?

 

:sadrobbo:

 

 

You're not alone, mate.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

5 minutes ago, Tazio said:

Never heard the expression “the elephant in the room”?

 

Dont ****ing mention it!!!!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

20 minutes ago, Tazio said:

Never heard the expression “the elephant in the room”?

 

15 minutes ago, Boof said:

 

Dont ****ing mention it!!!!

Aye, still don’t get the feckin joke though.  :lol: 

 

Edit: Think I’m getting there.  

 

2nd Edit.  Maybe no’.

 

:sadrobbo:

Edited by Morgan
Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, Morgan said:

I’m not normally slow but, I have read this a few times and just don’t get it?

 

:sadrobbo:

 

 

 

It went over my head too, but I think it's along the lines of 'don't mention the elephant in the room.'

 

I think.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

30 minutes ago, Maple Leaf said:

 

It went over my head too, but I think it's along the lines of 'don't mention the elephant in the room.'

 

I think.

I think I’ve got it now.

 

Must have been having a

 

:Blond-Moment:

 

That’s my excuse, and I’m sticking to it!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

6 minutes ago, Morgan said:

I think I’ve got it now.

 

Must have been having a

 

:Blond-Moment:

 

That’s my excuse, and I’m sticking to it!

I didn't get it either,  but was waiting for someone else to ask. 😆

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A woman calls her husband: "Hi Honey, I'm on the motorway and I'm calling you using my new mobile phone."

 

Husband: "Be very careful. I heard on the radio that there's an idiot driving the wrong way on the motorway."

 

Wife: "One idiot? There's hundreds of them!"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

44 minutes ago, Lemongrab said:

I didn't get it either,  but was waiting for someone else to ask. 😆

You swine!

 

:levein2:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, Maple Leaf said:

 

It went over my head too, but I think it's along the lines of 'don't mention the elephant in the room.'

 

I think.


👍

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I woke up in hospital after my motorbike accident with a gorgeous blond nurse standing over me.

 

She said you may feel nothing below the waist.

 

I said fair enough and grabbed her tits.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 hours ago, Lemongrab said:

I'm glad you didn't. 

 

I was like  :yas:

 

2 hours ago, superjack said:

Like I did.

I mean I got it straight away, honest.

Feck off, you two.

 

:sadrobbo:  You not think I’m hurting enough?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A vegan once said to me that people who sell meat are gross.

I said people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A guy turns up at the hospital with a giant cabbage in place of his head.

 

The doctor asked what happened, and the guy explained that he'd found a lamp, rubbed it, and this genie appeared and offered him 3 wishes.

 

So what did you wish for asked the doctor?

 

Well firstly I wished I had £100m which the genie gave me, then I wished I had a beautiful woman, which the genie also gave me.  Then I totally blew it when I wished I had a giant cabbage for a head.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Cory McNamara

Mentally challenged man walks in the forest. He has a basket half-full of mushrooms. He tries to find some more. He goes,

 

"Little mushrooms, little mushrooms, little mushrooms, little mushrooms."

 

He sees one and tries to pick it up.

 

Suddenly, mushroom speaks:

 

(Mushroom) - Please don't do it, I'm a magical mushroom, leave me alone and I will fulfill your three wishes.

 

(Man) - I don't, no...

 

(Mushroom) - Listen, I'm a very powerful creature, tell me your wishes. But be careful, I'm not kind-hearted that much.

 

(Man) - Ehhh, I wanna, I wanna... I wanna be a normal person, that's my first wish.

 

(Mushroom) - OK, sure? If that's what you wish for. Done!

 

(Man) - Wow! I am normal now! I wanna piss myself how I'm happy! Yes!

 

(Mushroom) - Done.

 

(Man, while seeing his wet pants) - And now I am fu**ed up again!

 

(Mushroom) - Done.

 

(Man walks away) - Little mushrooms, little mushrooms, little mushrooms, little mushrooms...  

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

20 hours ago, RobNox said:

A guy turns up at the hospital with a giant cabbage in place of his head.

 

The doctor asked what happened, and the guy explained that he'd found a lamp, rubbed it, and this genie appeared and offered him 3 wishes.

 

So what did you wish for asked the doctor?

 

Well firstly I wished I had £100m which the genie gave me, then I wished I had a beautiful woman, which the genie also gave me.  Then I totally blew it when I wished I had a giant cabbage for a head.

Does this outline society?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A man goes up to a prostitute in the street and asks, How much is it for a hand job?'

'£10.' , she replies and leads him down an alley.

The guy whips his dick out and starts w*nking.

'What are you doing?', she asks.

'You didn't think you were going to get the easy one, did you?'

Edited by Lemongrab
Link to comment
Share on other sites

N Lincs Jambo

God was feeling bored one day so he called down to Noah: "Hey Noah, I want you to  build me another Ark!" Noah replies: "No probs God, whatever you say!" God says, "Yeah, I want a new Ark but this one has to be huge! I want it to have at least 20-25 stories." Noah replies, " Whatever you wish God, you're the man!". God then shouts down, "And when it's finished, I want you to fill it with water." "Water?" replies Noah, "what animals are you putting in it this time?" "Not animals as such" says God - "just fish." "What kind of fish?" asks Noah. " Koi Carp" replies God. "I've always wanted you to build me a multi-storey carp ark!"

 

I'll get my coat :(

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Sawdust Caesar

"Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous. I see a few new faces here this week and I must say I'm disappointed."

Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, Sawdust Caesar said:

"Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous. I see a few new faces here this week and I must say I'm disappointed."

:laugh2:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Just heard about a bloke who was killed by a shark while on honeymoon in south Africa. He didn't suffer for long though as he was only married for 5 days.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 23/08/2019 at 05:32, narre said:

"Mummy, where do babies come from?

" "Well, daddies make sperm and put it inside mummies."

"Do mummies eat it?"

 

"Only if they want new shoes!"

 

:rofl:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 
 
 
 

"Knock Knock." "Who's there?"

"It's the police, sir."

"You'll have to wait. I'm having a shit."

"We know sir. The phone box has glass sides!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 
 
 
I went to the doctors and asked what was the best exercise to lose weight.
The doctor said, "Just shake your head."
I asked him, "How often?" He said, "Whenever someone offers you some food you fat bunt!"
Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 minutes ago, narre said:
 
 
 
 

"Knock Knock." "Who's there?"

"It's the police, sir."

"You'll have to wait. I'm having a shit."

"We know sir. The phone box has glass sides!

🤣

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A man who lost his ears in a freak accident has had a groundbreaking operation of having two pigs ear grafted on in place.
A hospital spokesperson said,
"The operation was a success and the man can hear, though he's experiencing a lot of crackling!"
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I was looking at my wife, no teeth in, tits on her belly

. Then she let out a massive fart. “You’re a mess and I’m disgusted with you," I said.

"I’m still the woman you love and married. Sometimes we let ourselves go a bit," she said.

"We’re on our bucking honeymoon!" I replied.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Mick asks Paddy why he has an empty milk bottle in his fridge. 
Paddy replies “Its just in case anyone wants black coffee”.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My neighbours bought their son a drum kit last week. I went round to see him earlier. What a noise he makes.

You'd think he'd never had a drumstick shoved up his arse before.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I was walking in a field full of cattle yesterday, when all of a sudden one of the bulls exploded. What a mess, the entire area was covered in blood and gore, leaving a terrible red mess, with nothing left of the poor animal but four smoldering stumps where it's legs had been.

I stood there in horror, wondering what could have caused it. It was abominable. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Horatio Caine
8 hours ago, Lemongrab said:

I was walking in a field full of cattle yesterday, when all of a sudden one of the bulls exploded. What a mess, the entire area was covered in blood and gore, leaving a terrible red mess, with nothing left of the poor animal but four smoldering stumps where it's legs had been.

I stood there in horror, wondering what could have caused it. It was abominable. 

That took me a little while to get it!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 12/10/2019 at 13:14, narre said:

My local cinema got robbed of £1000 yesterday...

The thieves stole two jumbo popcorns, two large Cokes and a packet of Minstrels!


Minds me of last week. I was buying popcorn and sweets at the cinema and the woman refused to take a £50 note.  I had to pay in 2 £20s and a £10 instead. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I used to think that orthopaedic insoles would do nothing to help my painful, awkward stance.

Then I got a pair and now I stand corrected.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

7 hours ago, Boof said:

I used to think that orthopaedic insoles would do nothing to help my painful, awkward stance.

Then I got a pair and now I stand corrected.

I had to read that twice. First time I was caught flatfooted.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

:mmtaxi:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Went to the hardware store for some fly spray. Asked the guy if it was good for wasps?

 

Nah mate, it'll kill them.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.




×
×
  • Create New...