Morgan Posted October 3, 2019 Share Posted October 3, 2019 21 hours ago, Swanny17 said: For her last birthday, I got my wife an elephant for the living room. "Thank you" she said. "Don't mention it" I replied. I’m not normally slow but, I have read this a few times and just don’t get it? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sawdust Caesar Posted October 3, 2019 Share Posted October 3, 2019 3 minutes ago, Morgan said: I’m not normally slow but, I have read this a few times and just don’t get it? You're not alone, mate. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted October 3, 2019 Share Posted October 3, 2019 Just now, Sawdust Caesar said: You're not alone, mate. Thank Christ for that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tazio Posted October 3, 2019 Share Posted October 3, 2019 Never heard the expression “the elephant in the room”? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boof Posted October 3, 2019 Share Posted October 3, 2019 5 minutes ago, Tazio said: Never heard the expression “the elephant in the room”? Dont ****ing mention it!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted October 3, 2019 Share Posted October 3, 2019 (edited) 20 minutes ago, Tazio said: Never heard the expression “the elephant in the room”? 15 minutes ago, Boof said: Dont ****ing mention it!!!! Aye, still don’t get the feckin joke though. Edit: Think I’m getting there. 2nd Edit. Maybe no’. Edited October 3, 2019 by Morgan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted October 3, 2019 Share Posted October 3, 2019 1 hour ago, Morgan said: I’m not normally slow but, I have read this a few times and just don’t get it? It went over my head too, but I think it's along the lines of 'don't mention the elephant in the room.' I think. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted October 3, 2019 Share Posted October 3, 2019 30 minutes ago, Maple Leaf said: It went over my head too, but I think it's along the lines of 'don't mention the elephant in the room.' I think. I think I’ve got it now. Must have been having a That’s my excuse, and I’m sticking to it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
¼½¾ Posted October 3, 2019 Share Posted October 3, 2019 6 minutes ago, Morgan said: I think I’ve got it now. Must have been having a That’s my excuse, and I’m sticking to it! I didn't get it either, but was waiting for someone else to ask. 😆 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted October 3, 2019 Share Posted October 3, 2019 A woman calls her husband: "Hi Honey, I'm on the motorway and I'm calling you using my new mobile phone." Husband: "Be very careful. I heard on the radio that there's an idiot driving the wrong way on the motorway." Wife: "One idiot? There's hundreds of them!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted October 3, 2019 Share Posted October 3, 2019 44 minutes ago, Lemongrab said: I didn't get it either, but was waiting for someone else to ask. 😆 You swine! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
¼½¾ Posted October 3, 2019 Share Posted October 3, 2019 25 minutes ago, Morgan said: You swine! 😛 🤣 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swanny17 Posted October 3, 2019 Share Posted October 3, 2019 1 hour ago, Maple Leaf said: It went over my head too, but I think it's along the lines of 'don't mention the elephant in the room.' I think. 👍 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted October 3, 2019 Share Posted October 3, 2019 20 minutes ago, Swanny17 said: 👍 Wish I’d just waited! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dougal Posted October 3, 2019 Share Posted October 3, 2019 I woke up in hospital after my motorbike accident with a gorgeous blond nurse standing over me. She said you may feel nothing below the waist. I said fair enough and grabbed her tits. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
¼½¾ Posted October 3, 2019 Share Posted October 3, 2019 1 hour ago, Morgan said: Wish I’d just waited! I'm glad you didn't. I was like Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted October 3, 2019 Share Posted October 3, 2019 2 hours ago, Morgan said: Wish I’d just waited! Like I did. I mean I got it straight away, honest. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted October 3, 2019 Share Posted October 3, 2019 2 hours ago, Lemongrab said: I'm glad you didn't. I was like 2 hours ago, superjack said: Like I did. I mean I got it straight away, honest. Feck off, you two. You not think I’m hurting enough? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted October 3, 2019 Share Posted October 3, 2019 A vegan once said to me that people who sell meat are gross. I said people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kalamazoo Jambo Posted October 4, 2019 Share Posted October 4, 2019 On 03/10/2019 at 09:37, Tazio said: Never heard the expression “the elephant in the room”? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redjambo Posted October 5, 2019 Share Posted October 5, 2019 Came up on my feed today. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RobNox Posted October 7, 2019 Share Posted October 7, 2019 A guy turns up at the hospital with a giant cabbage in place of his head. The doctor asked what happened, and the guy explained that he'd found a lamp, rubbed it, and this genie appeared and offered him 3 wishes. So what did you wish for asked the doctor? Well firstly I wished I had £100m which the genie gave me, then I wished I had a beautiful woman, which the genie also gave me. Then I totally blew it when I wished I had a giant cabbage for a head. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cory McNamara Posted October 7, 2019 Share Posted October 7, 2019 Mentally challenged man walks in the forest. He has a basket half-full of mushrooms. He tries to find some more. He goes, "Little mushrooms, little mushrooms, little mushrooms, little mushrooms." He sees one and tries to pick it up. Suddenly, mushroom speaks: (Mushroom) - Please don't do it, I'm a magical mushroom, leave me alone and I will fulfill your three wishes. (Man) - I don't, no... (Mushroom) - Listen, I'm a very powerful creature, tell me your wishes. But be careful, I'm not kind-hearted that much. (Man) - Ehhh, I wanna, I wanna... I wanna be a normal person, that's my first wish. (Mushroom) - OK, sure? If that's what you wish for. Done! (Man) - Wow! I am normal now! I wanna piss myself how I'm happy! Yes! (Mushroom) - Done. (Man, while seeing his wet pants) - And now I am fu**ed up again! (Mushroom) - Done. (Man walks away) - Little mushrooms, little mushrooms, little mushrooms, little mushrooms... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jb102 Posted October 7, 2019 Share Posted October 7, 2019 20 hours ago, RobNox said: A guy turns up at the hospital with a giant cabbage in place of his head. The doctor asked what happened, and the guy explained that he'd found a lamp, rubbed it, and this genie appeared and offered him 3 wishes. So what did you wish for asked the doctor? Well firstly I wished I had £100m which the genie gave me, then I wished I had a beautiful woman, which the genie also gave me. Then I totally blew it when I wished I had a giant cabbage for a head. Does this outline society? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
¼½¾ Posted October 7, 2019 Share Posted October 7, 2019 (edited) A man goes up to a prostitute in the street and asks, How much is it for a hand job?' '£10.' , she replies and leads him down an alley. The guy whips his dick out and starts w*nking. 'What are you doing?', she asks. 'You didn't think you were going to get the easy one, did you?' Edited October 7, 2019 by Lemongrab Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
N Lincs Jambo Posted October 8, 2019 Share Posted October 8, 2019 God was feeling bored one day so he called down to Noah: "Hey Noah, I want you to build me another Ark!" Noah replies: "No probs God, whatever you say!" God says, "Yeah, I want a new Ark but this one has to be huge! I want it to have at least 20-25 stories." Noah replies, " Whatever you wish God, you're the man!". God then shouts down, "And when it's finished, I want you to fill it with water." "Water?" replies Noah, "what animals are you putting in it this time?" "Not animals as such" says God - "just fish." "What kind of fish?" asks Noah. " Koi Carp" replies God. "I've always wanted you to build me a multi-storey carp ark!" I'll get my coat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sawdust Caesar Posted October 9, 2019 Share Posted October 9, 2019 "Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous. I see a few new faces here this week and I must say I'm disappointed." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robbo-Jambo Posted October 9, 2019 Share Posted October 9, 2019 1 hour ago, Sawdust Caesar said: "Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous. I see a few new faces here this week and I must say I'm disappointed." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted October 11, 2019 Share Posted October 11, 2019 Just heard about a bloke who was killed by a shark while on honeymoon in south Africa. He didn't suffer for long though as he was only married for 5 days. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marvin Posted October 12, 2019 Share Posted October 12, 2019 On 23/08/2019 at 05:32, narre said: "Mummy, where do babies come from? " "Well, daddies make sperm and put it inside mummies." "Do mummies eat it?" "Only if they want new shoes!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted October 12, 2019 Share Posted October 12, 2019 "Knock Knock." "Who's there?" "It's the police, sir." "You'll have to wait. I'm having a shit." "We know sir. The phone box has glass sides! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted October 12, 2019 Share Posted October 12, 2019 I went to the doctors and asked what was the best exercise to lose weight. The doctor said, "Just shake your head." I asked him, "How often?" He said, "Whenever someone offers you some food you fat bunt!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
¼½¾ Posted October 12, 2019 Share Posted October 12, 2019 3 minutes ago, narre said: "Knock Knock." "Who's there?" "It's the police, sir." "You'll have to wait. I'm having a shit." "We know sir. The phone box has glass sides! 🤣 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted October 12, 2019 Share Posted October 12, 2019 A man who lost his ears in a freak accident has had a groundbreaking operation of having two pigs ear grafted on in place. A hospital spokesperson said, "The operation was a success and the man can hear, though he's experiencing a lot of crackling!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted October 12, 2019 Share Posted October 12, 2019 On our wedding night my wife appeared out of the bathroom in a sexy nightie and asked me to leave her breathless... So I hid her inhaler! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted October 12, 2019 Share Posted October 12, 2019 I was looking at my wife, no teeth in, tits on her belly . Then she let out a massive fart. “You’re a mess and I’m disgusted with you," I said. "I’m still the woman you love and married. Sometimes we let ourselves go a bit," she said. "We’re on our bucking honeymoon!" I replied. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted October 12, 2019 Share Posted October 12, 2019 My local cinema got robbed of £1000 yesterday... The thieves stole two jumbo popcorns, two large Cokes and a packet of Minstrels! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted October 12, 2019 Share Posted October 12, 2019 After years of doubt I'm now convinced my wife is having an affair... We've moved 250 miles north and we've still got the same window cleaner! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted October 12, 2019 Share Posted October 12, 2019 My wife let's me lick anything off her and I love it. Butter, jam, cheese, you name it she let's me lick it off her... She's a cracker! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted October 12, 2019 Share Posted October 12, 2019 I've got a bottle of Newcastle Brown stuck in my foot... The doctor says it's an ingrowing toon ale! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pans Jambo Posted October 13, 2019 Share Posted October 13, 2019 Mick asks Paddy why he has an empty milk bottle in his fridge. Paddy replies “Its just in case anyone wants black coffee”. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
¼½¾ Posted October 13, 2019 Share Posted October 13, 2019 My neighbours bought their son a drum kit last week. I went round to see him earlier. What a noise he makes. You'd think he'd never had a drumstick shoved up his arse before. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
¼½¾ Posted October 13, 2019 Share Posted October 13, 2019 I was walking in a field full of cattle yesterday, when all of a sudden one of the bulls exploded. What a mess, the entire area was covered in blood and gore, leaving a terrible red mess, with nothing left of the poor animal but four smoldering stumps where it's legs had been. I stood there in horror, wondering what could have caused it. It was abominable. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Horatio Caine Posted October 14, 2019 Share Posted October 14, 2019 8 hours ago, Lemongrab said: I was walking in a field full of cattle yesterday, when all of a sudden one of the bulls exploded. What a mess, the entire area was covered in blood and gore, leaving a terrible red mess, with nothing left of the poor animal but four smoldering stumps where it's legs had been. I stood there in horror, wondering what could have caused it. It was abominable. That took me a little while to get it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swanny17 Posted October 14, 2019 Share Posted October 14, 2019 On 12/10/2019 at 13:14, narre said: My local cinema got robbed of £1000 yesterday... The thieves stole two jumbo popcorns, two large Cokes and a packet of Minstrels! Minds me of last week. I was buying popcorn and sweets at the cinema and the woman refused to take a £50 note. I had to pay in 2 £20s and a £10 instead. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boof Posted October 15, 2019 Share Posted October 15, 2019 I used to think that orthopaedic insoles would do nothing to help my painful, awkward stance. Then I got a pair and now I stand corrected. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted October 16, 2019 Share Posted October 16, 2019 7 hours ago, Boof said: I used to think that orthopaedic insoles would do nothing to help my painful, awkward stance. Then I got a pair and now I stand corrected. I had to read that twice. First time I was caught flatfooted. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrmarkus1981 Posted October 17, 2019 Share Posted October 17, 2019 Contrary to popular belief, 'Sunny Jim' does not refer to an Islamic fitness centre. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dougal Posted October 22, 2019 Share Posted October 22, 2019 Went to the hardware store for some fly spray. Asked the guy if it was good for wasps? Nah mate, it'll kill them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted October 23, 2019 Share Posted October 23, 2019 I had a happy childhood. My dad used to put me inside a tyre and roll me down a hill... They were Goodyears! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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