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Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)


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willie wallace
8 hours ago, narre said:

My friend who has a bit of a stutter was telling us about his Nanna...

By the end of it we were all singing 'Hey Jude!

😀😄 Some crackers last night mate.

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I suffer from chronic insomnia, which is awful. But on the plus side – only three more sleeps till Christmas!

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Neil Lennon and Craig Levein walk into a brothel. Neil asks "How much is it for a wank?"  And Craig asks "How much is it, if you're not a wank?"

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1 hour ago, ri Alban said:

Neil Lennon and Craig Levein walk into a brothel. Neil asks "How much is it for a wank?"  And Craig asks "How much is it, if you're not a wank?"

😎

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A glaswegian living Down Under went to the Doctors
"Doctor Im feeling under the weather,I can't sleep or eat,can ye help me?"
The Doctor said"put 5 rotten fish in a bucket,p#sh and sh#t in it,boil it all up,then after throwing a towel over his head,breath in the fumes for 3 days.
At the end of the week the now sprightly glaswegian returned to the Doctors "I feel right as rain Doc,I did exactly what ye telt me,so what wiz wrong wi me?"
The Doctor replied"Nothing much,you where just home sick.

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On 11/07/2019 at 02:29, Maple Leaf said:

A guy is being interviewed for a job:

 

Manager:   What would you say is your biggest fault?

Guy:  I'm too honest.

Manager:  I don't think honesty is a fault.

Guy:  I don't give a **** what you think

 

Outstanding.  Virtually pished myself.  That will do a treat on Saturday night.

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On 21/08/2019 at 07:59, Lemongrab said:

I saw a sign yesterday which made me shit myself.  It said 'Toilet Closed'.

😄

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Not trawling 59 pages to see if already posted

 

Just bought a reversible jacket from Amazon, can't wait to see how it turns out

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3 hours ago, ri Alban said:

Why did the monkey fall out the tree?

 

Cause it was dead.

Why did the next monkey fall out of the tree?

He thought it was a game.

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1 hour ago, superjack said:

Why did the next monkey fall out of the tree?

He thought it was a game.

It was holding hands with the first monkey.

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On 21/08/2019 at 15:24, RobNox said:

 

My wife told me: ‘Sex is better on holiday.’ That wasn’t a nice postcard to receive.

 

 

Probably shouldnt have laughed as much as I did,  barry joke

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"Mummy, where do babies come from?

" "Well, daddies make sperm and put it inside mummies."

"Do mummies eat it?"

 

"Only if they want new shoes!"

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My boss was supposed to deliver a training course on Innuendo's in the workplace after many staff members complained about me...

 

Unfortunately she wasn't well and couldn't attend, so I had to fill her slot instead!

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3 minutes ago, superjack said:

My wife has finally forgiven me for flashing my bare arse to her at the weekend.

She's over the moon.

Shite crak.

 

 

 

 

 

 

:mmtaxi:

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At this time of year in Canada, people often go for hikes in the forest. As a result, there are frequent encounters between bears and humans.  

 

People are advised to wear noisy little bells on their clothing to warn bears of their approach, so that the bears will not be suddenly startled at human presence.  People are also advised to carry pepper spray in case of a surprise encounter with a bear.

 

People should also be alert for recent bear activity, such as the presence of bear faeces. The faeces of a black bear will often contain berries and seeds, whereas the faeces of a grizzly bear will often contain small bells and will smell of pepper.

 

 

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On 30/08/2019 at 18:29, dougal said:

Asked the man in the music shop if I could see the littlest oboe and he said maybe tomorrow.

Is there a voice, that keeps on calling you?

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On 22/08/2019 at 19:46, superjack said:

Why did the next monkey fall out of the tree?

He thought it was a game.

 

Why did the tree fall over?

It thought it was a monkey.

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I'm not taking any credit for this one. Seen it on a FB link...

 

Mick is given a job to transport monkeys to the zoo in his van. So he loads them up and is driving to the zoo when his van breaks down.

 

He calls the RAC but whilst he is waiting at the side of the road he says his mate Paddy driving past in his van and waves him down.

 

"Paddy, my van has broken down and I have all these monkeys to take up to the zoo. If I give you 50 quid will you take them for me"?

 

"Sure, no problem, load them up Mick" says Paddy and off he goes up the road.

 

An hour passes and Mick sees Paddy driving back with the monkeys still in his van. He waves him down again.

 

"Paddy, what the hell man, I gave ye 50 quid to take those monkeys to the zoo for me" said Mick.

 

Paddy replies..."I did take them to the Zoo but I have some cash change left over so I'm now taking them for Pizza"!

 

 

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A New York boy is being led through the swamps of Louisiana by his cousin. 

 

The boy nervously asks his cousin, "Is it true that an alligator won't attack you if you're carrying a flashlight?"

 

The cousin replies, "It depends how fast you're carrying the flashlight."

 

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There was a prison break at Saughton and I watched a midget climbing the fence. As he jumped down he sneered at me. I thought, that's a little condescending. 

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Q. Who’s the coolest guy in the hospital...

 

 

A. The ultrasound guy

 

 

Q. Who the coolest guy in the hospital when he’s not there...

 

 

A. The hip replacement guy

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The doctor told me "you're getting too heavy, try not to eat anything fatty"

 

"You mean like bacon and fast food and that?"

 

"No fatty, try not to eat anything"

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On 05/09/2019 at 18:08, ri Alban said:

Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers.

You wouldn't get away with typing the original version of that.

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A guy goes to see his doctor, and after an examination, he asks the dr of he will be ok?

Dr says "doubt it, mercury is in Uranus".

Guy says "I dont do that astrology". 

Dr replies "me neither, my thermometer just broke".

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  • 2 weeks later...

I got a text saying... Congratulations, you are the winner of our Elvis competition.

 

You have the choice of two prizes.

 

Option 1: £100

Option 2: Tickets for an Elvis tribute concert.

 

To select, reply with 1 for the money, 2 for the show.

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I've bought my wife some prozac suppositories for her birthday.

 

If she isn't happy she can shove them up her arse. 

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On 29/09/2019 at 12:15, Lemongrab said:

I've bought my wife some prozac suppositories for her birthday.

 

If she isn't happy she can shove them up her arse. 


For her last birthday, I got my wife an elephant for the living room. "Thank you" she said.  "Don't mention it" I replied.

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They say you shouldn’t put all your eggs in one basket, but now I feel like a muppet trundling around Tesco with 6 baskets!!!

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pharmaceutical01
On 29/09/2019 at 12:15, Lemongrab said:

I've bought my wife some prozac suppositories for her birthday.

 

If she isn't happy she can shove them up her arse. 

Or the old pharmacy joke .....suppositories ...you may as well shove them up yer arse for all the good they’ll do you!!

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Paddy starts work as a labourer. His first day on site the Foreman says " Right Paddy, go up the compound I showed you this morning, go into the blue container and take a wheelbarrow up to plot 51"

 

First minutes last, Paddy appears, pushing a wheelbarrow, with a wheelbarrow on top.

 

The Foreman says "FFS Paddy, only asked you to bring one wheelbarrow"

 

Paddy replies" Do you think I was fecking carrying it"

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