superjack Posted March 7, 2019 Share Posted March 7, 2019 A guy moves to Aberdeen from southern England and goes into the local booze. As soon as his English accent is heard, the locals are unsure about him. The barman asks him what he does and he says that he's a taxidermist. The barman asks what that is and he replies that he mounts and stuffs animals. The barman shouts to the locals "it's ok boys, he's 1 of us". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Of The Cat Cafe Posted March 8, 2019 Share Posted March 8, 2019 So, this Irish bloke gets a job as a foreman at a large wheat farm in deepest England. Being the generous kind, he soon starts to recruit other Irish guys to work on the farm. One morning, he sees one of his new employees out in the field in a boat rowing through the growing grain. He shouts at him: "Seamus, ya feckin eejit. You're the kind of Irishman gives the rest of us a bad name! If I could swim, I'd go out there and kick yer ass!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted March 8, 2019 Share Posted March 8, 2019 I saw Michael J Fox at a garden centre the other day... Recognised him straight away. He had his back to the fuchsias! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted March 8, 2019 Share Posted March 8, 2019 My wife just asked me if her appendix scar made her look unattractive... Apparently the response, "Dont worry babe your tits cover it", wasn't the response she was looking for! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted March 8, 2019 Share Posted March 8, 2019 When I arrive home last night my girlfriend was sat opposite me with her legs wide open. I said to her, "Are you wearing crotchless knickers?" "Oh, yes!" she replied with a little smile. I said, "Thank **** for that. I thought the sofa had burst!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted March 9, 2019 Share Posted March 9, 2019 McDonald's opened a new branch in Easter road recently. I went in and ordered a quarter punter with cheese. When the burger was served, there was no roll, just the burger and melted cheese. Couldn't understand it as everything else in Easter road is inbred. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted March 9, 2019 Share Posted March 9, 2019 13 hours ago, narre said: My wife just asked me if her appendix scar made her look unattractive... Apparently the response, "Dont worry babe your tits cover it", wasn't the response she was looking for! Reminds me the old joke, I was on a beach yesterday and saw a topless woman. Guess what was between her nipples? Her navel. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted March 14, 2019 Share Posted March 14, 2019 Quip time: When the fog lifts in California, UCLA I'm terrified of lifts, so I'm taking steps to avoid them People are making apocalypse jokes like there's no tomorrow Cows have hooves because they lactose There was big fight at the local chippie, now there are battered fish everywhere My relationship with whisky is on the rocks Well, to be frank, I'd have to change my name Dogs can't operate MRI scanners, but catscan Double negatives are a no-no in English The problem with political jokes is that they sometimes get elected Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Gentleman Posted March 15, 2019 Share Posted March 15, 2019 Felly went to the doctor. "Doctor, I've got this terrible wind. Can you give me something for it? ...and the doctor gave him a kite. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Of The Cat Cafe Posted March 16, 2019 Share Posted March 16, 2019 Donald Trump and two friends, a Rabbi and a Hindu, had car trouble in the countryside, before they asked to spend the night with a farmer. The farmer said: "There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn." "No problem," chimed the Rabbi, "My people wandered in the desert for forty years, I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening." With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night. Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door. There, from the barn, stood the Rabbi. "What's wrong?" asked the farmer. He replied, "I am grateful to you, but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn, and my faith believes them to be unclean animals." His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes later, the scene reoccurs, after another knock on the door. "What's wrong, now?" the farmer asks. The Hindu holy man replies, "I too am grateful for your helping us out, but there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!" Well, that leaves only Donald Trump to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Moments later there was another knock on the farmers door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opened the door, and there stood the pig and the cow... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted March 17, 2019 Share Posted March 17, 2019 I was shaggin my wife last night and she looked back and said, "I'm feeling kinky! Turn off the light and stick it in my bum!" As soon as I did, she screamed... I guess maybe next time I should wait for the bulb to cool down first! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 A left wing politician, a BBC TV reporter and a SAS trooper were captured by ISIS. They were sentenced to death. The ISIS leader said they could have one last wish each before sentence was carried out. The politician ask to hear a rendering of keep the red flag flying. The reporter asked that the sentence be televised so that even when he was dead his face would be on TV. The trooper asked to be kicked three times up the arse. This was carried out but as the last kick landed the trooper pulled a hidden 9mm pistol out of his smock shot three terrorists dead grabbed a fallen AK47 and killed the rest of the terrorists. The other two were amazed, and asked why he requested to be kicked three times before drawing the gun, "because" said the trooper, "When we get back to the UK I don’t want you pair of *******s saying it was an unprovoked attack!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Of The Cat Cafe Posted March 23, 2019 Share Posted March 23, 2019 (edited) Today I was in Waterstones, and as I was wandering around, on of the assistants stopped me and offered to help. I asked, "Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his US immigration policy regarding Muslims and illegal Mexicans?" The clerk angrily said, "**** off, get out and stay out!" I said, "Yes! That's the one. Do you have it in paperback?" Edited March 23, 2019 by King Of The Cat Cafe Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robbo-Jambo Posted March 23, 2019 Share Posted March 23, 2019 4 hours ago, King Of The Cat Cafe said: Today I was in Waterstones, and as I was wandering around, on of the assistants stopped me and offered to help. I asked, "Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his US immigration policy regarding Muslims and illegal Mexicans?" The clerk angrily said, "**** off, get out and stay out!" I said, "Yes! That's the one. Do you have it in paperback?" ? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sawdust Caesar Posted March 23, 2019 Share Posted March 23, 2019 10 hours ago, King Of The Cat Cafe said: Today I was in Waterstones, and as I was wandering around, on of the assistants stopped me and offered to help. I asked, "Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his US immigration policy regarding Muslims and illegal Mexicans?" The clerk angrily said, "**** off, get out and stay out!" I said, "Yes! That's the one. Do you have it in paperback?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
¼½¾ Posted March 24, 2019 Share Posted March 24, 2019 My wife kicked me out as she was sick of my crap Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions. Don't worry...I'll return. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
¼½¾ Posted March 24, 2019 Share Posted March 24, 2019 I was at an important job interview the other day. I was asked "Are you on Facebook?" "No", I said. "Are you on Twitter?" "No", I said. "Are you on Instagram?" "No", I said. "Look, just put your f****** phone away, will you?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted April 10, 2019 Share Posted April 10, 2019 A weasel walks into a pub and the barman says "wow, I've never served a weasel before, what do you want?" "Pop" goes the weasel. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jamboy1982 Posted April 10, 2019 Share Posted April 10, 2019 (edited) Took the wife out for dinner last night. We were looking at the menu when she got up and went to the toilet. The waiter came over and said ‘are you ready to order?’ I said ‘the wife is just at the toilet’. The waiter then asked if I knew what she was having. I said ‘well she’s been about 10 minutes so probably a shite.’ Edited April 10, 2019 by jamboy1982 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sawdust Caesar Posted April 10, 2019 Share Posted April 10, 2019 [LAUNDRY] Washing - 30 minutes Drying - 60 minutes Putting away - 7 to 10 business days Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Say What Again Posted April 10, 2019 Share Posted April 10, 2019 I asked my Welsh friend how many sexual partners he'd had. He started counting, but he fell asleep. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted April 10, 2019 Share Posted April 10, 2019 Seeing as I'm home alone I decided to go out for my tea, well I deserve it. Anyway, I ordered some scotch broth for starter. When it came, I looked at the bowl and I could see an extremely small guy, about 2 inches tall, wearing a Cape and his pants on top of his trousers, swimming in my broth. I said to the waiter "what the feck is this?" He replied "don't worry sir, it's just souperman ". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted April 10, 2019 Share Posted April 10, 2019 1 minute ago, superjack said: Seeing as I'm home alone I decided to go out for my tea, well I deserve it. Anyway, I ordered some scotch broth for starter. When it came, I looked at the bowl and I could see an extremely small guy, about 2 inches tall, wearing a Cape and his pants on top of his trousers, swimming in my broth. I said to the waiter "what the feck is this?" He replied "don't worry sir, it's just souperman ". face palm Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
¼½¾ Posted April 10, 2019 Share Posted April 10, 2019 1 hour ago, superjack said: Seeing as I'm home alone I decided to go out for my tea, well I deserve it. Anyway, I ordered some scotch broth for starter. When it came, I looked at the bowl and I could see an extremely small guy, about 2 inches tall, wearing a Cape and his pants on top of his trousers, swimming in my broth. I said to the waiter "what the feck is this?" He replied "don't worry sir, it's just souperman ". A contender for worst of the thread. Well done. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
milky_26 Posted April 10, 2019 Share Posted April 10, 2019 1 hour ago, Lemongrab said: A contender for worst of the thread. Well done. the thing is the top 5 worst on this thread have most likely been posted by superjack Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted April 10, 2019 Share Posted April 10, 2019 2 hours ago, milky_26 said: the thing is the top 5 worst on this thread have most likely been posted by superjack And the top 5 best as well? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redjambo Posted April 10, 2019 Share Posted April 10, 2019 26 minutes ago, superjack said: And the top 5 best as well? This is the best of them all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyBatistuta Posted April 10, 2019 Share Posted April 10, 2019 What’s the difference between a piano, a tuna and a pot of glue? You can tuna piano, but you can’t piano a tuna Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyBatistuta Posted April 11, 2019 Share Posted April 11, 2019 The owner of a pharmacy walks in to his shop and sees a man leaning against wall. He asks the employee behind the counter “what’s wrong with the man against the wall”. She replies “he had a bad cough, but i couldn’t find the cough medicine, so i gave him a whole bottle of laxative” The owner flips and yells “you idiot, you can’t treat a bad cough with laxative” To which the employee yells back “oh yeah, he ain’t coughing now” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyBatistuta Posted April 11, 2019 Share Posted April 11, 2019 What’s the difference between your wife and your job...after 5 years, your job will still suck. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyBatistuta Posted April 11, 2019 Share Posted April 11, 2019 What’s the difference between oral sex and anal sex... oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyBatistuta Posted April 11, 2019 Share Posted April 11, 2019 What do you call a herd of cows masturbating... beef strokin off Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
georgiehearts66 Posted April 11, 2019 Share Posted April 11, 2019 (edited) A woman goes to a supermarket to buy broccoli and when she can't see any she approached a young man who was stacking fruit. She asked him where it was located. Terribly sorry Lady but we're sold out, but we shall have a delivery tomorrow. The woman without a word, smiles and walks away. Ten minutes later she returns and asks again where was the broccoli. He very politely repeats his earlier answer. The lady leaves and returns two further times, then leaves after hearing the same answer. A few minutes later he sees her returning and sure enough she asks again where the broccoli is. This time instead of the same answer he asks her a question. Lady , perhaps you could help me. He asked. Could you spell for me "dog" as in dogmatic. She replied d.o.g. Great he said. Could you spell "cat" as in categorically. She replied c.a.t.. great he said. Can you spell "f..k" in broccoli. She replied. There's no f..k in broccoli . Lady I have been trying to tell you that for the last half hour Edited April 11, 2019 by georgiehearts66 Spelling Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted April 11, 2019 Share Posted April 11, 2019 2 hours ago, luckyBatistuta said: What’s the difference between a piano, a tuna and a pot of glue? You can tuna piano, but you can’t piano a tuna And the glue? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted April 11, 2019 Share Posted April 11, 2019 3 hours ago, ri Alban said: And the glue? I knew that part would have someone stuck. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted April 11, 2019 Share Posted April 11, 2019 2 hours ago, superjack said: I knew that part would have someone stuck. The joke was a bit tacky. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted April 11, 2019 Share Posted April 11, 2019 On 03/03/2019 at 01:52, narre said: Me and the missus tried one of those flavoured condoms last night... "Mmmmmm, cheese and onion flavour", she said. I replied, "I haven't even put it on yet!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted April 11, 2019 Share Posted April 11, 2019 I helped a poor old lady who'd fallen over in the street today. At least, I think she was poor. She only had £1.37 in her purse. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Watt-Zeefuik Posted April 12, 2019 Share Posted April 12, 2019 FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men? BUBBA: sherwood forest FORREST GUMP: FORREST GUMP: FORREST GUMP: FORREST GUMP: FORREST GUMP: FORREST GUMP: FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
¼½¾ Posted April 12, 2019 Share Posted April 12, 2019 1 hour ago, Ugly American said: FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men? BUBBA: sherwood forest FORREST GUMP: FORREST GUMP: FORREST GUMP: FORREST GUMP: FORREST GUMP: FORREST GUMP: FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n Had to think about that one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robbo-Jambo Posted April 12, 2019 Share Posted April 12, 2019 On 10/04/2019 at 14:19, jamboy1982 said: Took the wife out for dinner last night. We were looking at the menu when she got up and went to the toilet. The waiter came over and said ‘are you ready to order?’ I said ‘the wife is just at the toilet’. The waiter then asked if I knew what she was having. I said ‘well she’s been about 10 minutes so probably a shite.’ ?? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boof Posted April 12, 2019 Share Posted April 12, 2019 5 hours ago, Ugly American said: FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men? BUBBA: sherwood forest FORREST GUMP: FORREST GUMP: FORREST GUMP: FORREST GUMP: FORREST GUMP: FORREST GUMP: FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n Now, that's a good one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted April 16, 2019 Share Posted April 16, 2019 Why have no aliens visited our solar system? Because when they read the reviews they see it only has 1 star. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted April 19, 2019 Share Posted April 19, 2019 A nun is lying in the bath and hears a knock on the door and a man says "can I come in?" "Who are you?" "I'm the blind man" he replies. "Oh well in that case come in" she says relieved. The man walks in. "Nice tits" he says "now where shall I hang these blinds?". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted April 20, 2019 Share Posted April 20, 2019 A boy says to his dad "dad, why is my sister called Teresa?" "Your mother loves Easter, it's an anagram". "Thanks dad". "No problem alan". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
¼½¾ Posted April 21, 2019 Share Posted April 21, 2019 St Peter took the day off, go go fishing, so he asked Jesus to watch the Pearly Gates. He fill Jesus in on the routine, telling him to ask people to tell him about themselves to see if they deserve to get in. After a bit, a kind of familiar old guy with white hair arrives. Jesus asks him to tell him about himself. "I was a carpenter. I had a son, who wasn't really my son, but I loved him." Tell me more about this son?", Jesus asked. "Well, he had holes in his hands and holes in his feet..." Jesus throws his hands around the guy and cries "Daddy!" The old guy says "Pinocchio?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jambothump Posted May 5, 2019 Share Posted May 5, 2019 On 31/12/2018 at 01:42, narre said: My wife wanted me to put my referees kit on and have sex with her. She screamed and moaned to the biggest climax I have ever known her have in 20 years... So I gave her a yellow card for simulation! Freck, I thought I was daft, ye've just about topped it ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jambothump Posted May 5, 2019 Share Posted May 5, 2019 If you are from Leith and get divorced, is she still your sister ? You know when you are at Leith wedding , everybody is on the same side of the church. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jambothump Posted May 5, 2019 Share Posted May 5, 2019 (edited) On 31/12/2018 at 01:42, narre said: Edited May 5, 2019 by Jambothump Double post Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jambothump Posted May 5, 2019 Share Posted May 5, 2019 If you want to know why dog is mans best friend, put your wife and your dog in the boot of your car for an hour, then see which is happiest to see you ? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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