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Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)


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I P Knightley
1 minute ago, Morgan said:

:getout:  I lived above one of them (don’t know which one) when we were first married, it was fun to play the Hearts song at full volume on the Derby days.  :lol: 

 

Remember the thread title, Morgs. I'm only following orders!

 

How well tended was his lawn, though?

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Just now, I P Knightley said:

Remember the thread title, Morgs. I'm only following orders!  :) 

 

How well tended was his lawn, though?

:oohmatron:

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On 22/12/2018 at 09:46, Boab said:

 

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This is my favourite thread, wish I knew some funnies to contribute, polar bear joke, has probably already been covered, my favourite joke ☺

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Sad news at the Nestle factory today when a member of staff was seriously injured when a pallet of chocolate fell more than 50 feet and crushed him underneath... He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he shouted "The milky bars are on me" everyone cheered

 

 

 

My new years resolution is to stop using aerosol deodorants... Roll on 2019!

 

 

 

What cheese is made backwards? Edam

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My wife wanted me to put my referees kit on and have sex with her. She screamed and moaned to the biggest climax I have ever known her have in 20 years... So I gave her a yellow card for simulation!

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17 hours ago, narre said:

My wife wanted me to put my referees kit on and have sex with her. She screamed and moaned to the biggest climax I have ever known her have in 20 years... So I gave her a yellow card for simulation!

 

 

My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding.









She was absolutely furious and said she’s never going to play Scrabble with me ever again.

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Watt-Zeefuik

Just off Twitter with this, may have already been done.

 

Why do Norwegian boats have barcodes on them? So when they return to port they can Scandinavian.

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Hibs fans brain has two parts: the left part and the right part. Their left brain has nothing right - while their right brain has nothing left....

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I said to my wife, "I was disgusted when I saw a woman with her breasts out on the bus feeding her son". She said, "All you men are the same, it's just natural". I replied, "I don't know what's so natural about it??? She was feeding him ****ing Quavers!”

 

 

Seems like only yesterday my brother rang to tell me I was an uncle to a baby boy, and that him and his wife were going to name him after me. The years go by so quickly... Afterme will be 21 next week!

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I thought I heard my next-door neighbours shagging last night. All I could hear was moaning and loud banging on the wall. It turns out her elderly mother had fallen in the bedroom and was trying to get my attention with her stick... Feel a bit guilty about the wank now!

 

 

 

An invisible man married an invisible woman... The kids were nothing to look at either!

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  • 2 weeks later...

 An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turk, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean

all go to a bar.. 

The doorman stops them and says sorry I can’t let you in without a Thai.

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luckyBatistuta

The Queen and Princess Diana were travelling in a Range Rover. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a highwayman appears and says
"Your money, jewels, everything ... or your life."
So the Queen takes off all her jewellery...necklace, bracelet, earrings, rings, etc and hands them over to him.

Princess Diana only gives him a necklace though.
"Well dear," said the highwayman, "Just a necklace? I’m afraid i'll have to take the Range Rover then."
So the highwayman takes his booty and disappears, leaving the two women beside the road.
The Queen was a bit curious..."How come you got away with only giving him a necklace, surely you've got more than that?" she asks Princess Diana
"Well I do," Diana replies, "I just shoved the lot up my ####."
"Oh yeah, brilliant idea!  should have thought of that myself. Wish Fergie was here though, she could have saved the Range Rover for us."

Edited by luckyBatistuta
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luckyBatistuta

A woman goes to a club and she's on the pull. She see's a panda sitting at the bar and thinks 'that's a bit different, i'll try him'. So she sidles up to the panda and asks it if it would like to come back to her place. The panda agrees and she offers him somthing to eat. So the panda say's 'ok, i'll have a burger and chips please' and she goes out and makes it for him. She asked the panda 'would you like a drink? and the panda says 'rum and coke please'. 
When she came back from getting the drink, the panda had gone and there was come all over the carpet. So she looks up 'panda' in the encyclopaedia and the entry said...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

'eats shoots and leaves'.

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  • 2 weeks later...

The wife was trying to be sexy for me last night. When I came up the stairs, I found her lying naked on the bed, licking a lollipop. Then she slipped it up her f**ny... I said, "Careful with that, love. You'll need it to help the children across the road tomorrow!"

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I was at my doctor's yesterday. He said, "Don't eat anything fatty." I replied, "You mean like bacon or sausage?" He answered, "No fatty. Don't eat anything!"

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A local barber in my area just got arrested for selling drugs... I couldn’t believe it. I've been his customer for years and had no idea he was a barber!

 

If there was a competition for saggy breasts, my wife would beat everyone... In fact, she'd wipe the floor with them!

 

 

I just bought some counterfeit Mr Kipling cakes... I must say they’re exceedingly good fakes!

 

 

Just bought some 007 Viagra... Apparently it makes you Roger more!

 

 

 

 

A local barber in my area just got arrested for selling drugs... I couldn’t believe it. I've been his customer for years and had no idea he was a barber!

 

 

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Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them. They said it would be like winning the Lottery... To be fair they were right. We had six matching balls!

 

 

I saw a midget carrying a tv to his car yesterday. I said, "Do you need any help with that plasma mate?" He looked at me very angrily and said, "**** off you prick, it’s a kindle!"

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Two lads in Dublin talking.  One says to the other "I broke into a shop last night and stole a few pictures.  Really valuable, the cheapest was €250,000." 

 

His mate says "you complete gobshite - you broke into an estate agent."

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To the handicapped man who stole my bag.
You can hide but you can’t run.

 

 

I took the shell off my racing snail so he could move faster.
If anything, it made him more sluggish.

 

 

 

Why does a chicken coup have two doors?
Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan

 

 

 

How do you think the unthinkable?
With an itheberg

 

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Every Christmas, my Dad would dress up as Santa, and he always insisted on saying grace before we tucked into Christmas dinner.

 

It was a blessing in disguise!

Edited by RobNox
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I bought some penis enlarger cream, been applying it every day for the past month.  My hand's fecking massive!

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I once dated a twin. 

 

I was regularly asked "how can you tell them from one another?"

 

I said "Easy.  Jane always paints her nails red, and Peter has a dick."

 

 

:cheese::runaway:

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The doctor just came into the hospital waiting room after my wife's accident. "How is she doctor?" I asked. He said, "I'm afraid your wife has got a nasty gash!" "Well, I know that doctor," I told him. "But what about her injuries?"

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New musical about composer is planned and the director is casting Stallone and Schwartzenegger to see which role suits them,which would you like to play he asks Stallone.I will be Motzart Stallone says.And you Arnie what about you,Ahl be Bach says Arnie.

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A guy walks into a dentist's office.....

 

Dentist - What are you doing here?

 

Guy - I think I'm a moth

 

Dentist - You think your a moth?

 

Guy - Yeah, I think I'm a moth

 

Dentist - Well you have mental problems, you need to go and see a psychiatrist

 

Guy - I know

 

Dentist - But you're in a dentist's office

 

Guy - I know

 

Dentist - So why did you come here?

 

Guy - The light was on

 

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King Of The Cat Cafe

Four Ireland supporters go into Platform Five after a rugger game against Scotland.

 

One goes to the bar and orders four pints of Guinness.

 

As he is getting his hands around the pints, the barman says: "Do you want a tray?"

 

And the Irish bloke says: "What?  Don't you think I have enough to carry?"

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My wife came into my shed yesterday and said, "You're wasting your time and money on all these inventions!" It was at this point that the Slap-A-Twat Automatic 3000 came into its own!

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I was having a problem connecting my new phone to my car audio system.

I changed  the device name of my phone to `titanic`. 

Now it’s syncing

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Last week my girlfriend dumped me so I wrecked her wheelchair.

We're back together now, I knew she'd come crawling back.

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I would like to be a millionaire just like my dad... He always wanted to be a millionaire too!

 

 

 

When it's sunny I think, 'Beer garden.' When it rains I usually go to the pub for a while. When it's snowing I like to sit in front of the TV with a case of beer. I'm starting to think I have a problem with the weather!

 

 

 

I've just bought a house with period features... My wife really hates that nickname!

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Spoke to my mate this morning and he said he'd hired an Eastern European cleaner to vacuum his house. "How did you get on?" I asked. "She took 15 hours!" "Not great then", I replied. "Yeah turns out she was a Slovak!"

 

 

Me and the missus tried one of those flavoured condoms last night... "Mmmmmm, cheese and onion flavour", she said. I replied, "I haven't even put it on yet!"

 

 

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Jaap's Sigh
12 minutes ago, narre said:

Spoke to my mate this morning and he said he'd hired an Eastern European cleaner to vacuum his house. "How did you get on?" I asked. "She took 15 hours!" "Not great then", I replied. "Yeah turns out she was a Slovak!"

 

 

Me and the missus tried one of those flavoured condoms last night... "Mmmmmm, cheese and onion flavour", she said. I replied, "I haven't even put it on yet!"

 

 

? 

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Illustrious
On 10/10/2018 at 20:16, dougal said:

A beginner's guide to chromosomes
XY : Male
XX : Female
YYY : Delilah

 

 

This year's 'Flicking a ruler on the edge of a desk' championships will be held in Dordogne.

Just catching up on this thread after not looking for months. The ruler flicking one just made me laugh/snort out loud and I can't stop giggling. I've got tears running down my face. Trouble is I'm on the train from Portsmouth to London and the guy next to me  is looking very alarmed now! 

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