RobNox Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 A little Irish lad is walking along the road, crying his eyes out. A woman approaches and asks him what is wrong. My mum's dead says the wee lad. Do you want me to call Father O'Reilly for you, asks the woman. No thanks said the wee lad. Sex is the last thing on my mind at the moment. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RealMaroonCF Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 ^ | | | | Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iantjambo Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 A little Irish lad is walking along the road, crying his eyes out. A woman approaches and asks him what is wrong. My mum's dead says the wee lad. Do you want me to call Father O'Reilly for you, asks the woman. No thanks said the wee lad. Sex is the last thing on my mind at the moment. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsnomarooned Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 Who's the nicest person in a hospital? The ultrasound guy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tazio Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 Who's the nicest person in a hospital? The ultrasound guy. Who's the coolest guy in the hospital? The hip surgeon. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted January 12, 2017 Share Posted January 12, 2017 I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted January 12, 2017 Share Posted January 12, 2017 Little Johnnie's father took him to class his first day of school. Johnnie's dad pulled the teacher aside and told her, Johnnie has a bad gambling problem so don't make a bet with him you can't win. The teacher agreed. When the teacher was passing out the text books Johnny said, teach I'll make a bet with you, she replied ok what? Johnny said I'll bet you fifty dollars I can tell you what color panties you have on. She agreed and told him after the last bell he was to stay in the room and then he could guess. While Johnny and the class were at recess the teacher took her panties off and put them in her purse. When school was out Johnny stayed in the classroom and the teacher locked the door and said okay Johnny what color are they? He replied yellow. so the teacher raised her dress and said no you are wrong. I'm not wearing any. Johnny asked her to walk him out to his dad?s car and he would get her money. So as Johnny passed his dad going to the car the teacher told his dad that Johnny finally got beat. He said, what do you mean. She said Johnny bet me fifty dollars he could tell me what color panties I had on. So I took them off. The father replied that son of a b*tch. He bet me a hundred dollars he would see your front bottom before the end of the day. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deesidejambo Posted January 12, 2017 Share Posted January 12, 2017 Here's one from the 70s Mummy Mummy are Pans People robots? That's a strange question, why do you ask? Because Daddy says he's screwed the arse off one of them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rudi must stay Posted January 12, 2017 Share Posted January 12, 2017 (edited) Two packets of crisps are walking down a street. A car pulls over 'Do you want a lift'. 'No thanks we're Walkers' Edited January 12, 2017 by rudi must stay Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Of The Cat Cafe Posted January 12, 2017 Share Posted January 12, 2017 Here's one from the 70s Mummy Mummy are Pans People robots? That's a strange question, why do you ask? Because Daddy says he's screwed the arse off one of them. Hmm, this thread may soon be ready for the World Famous Six Pack Joke. Question is, who is brave enough to post it? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deesidejambo Posted January 12, 2017 Share Posted January 12, 2017 Hmm, this thread may soon be ready for the World Famous Six Pack Joke. Question is, who is brave enough to post it? Post it then delete it a minute later so I can see it before the Mods Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted January 13, 2017 Share Posted January 13, 2017 Jack's back......I've never left jonno. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ulysses Posted January 13, 2017 Share Posted January 13, 2017 So a couple of Thai girls asked me if I'd like to sleep with them. They said it would be like winning the lottery. They were right. We had six matching balls........ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bauld Posted January 13, 2017 Share Posted January 13, 2017 I have just been ripped off by a Chinese fella. This pan he sold me doesn't fly at all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unknown user Posted January 13, 2017 Author Share Posted January 13, 2017 I have just been ripped off by a Chinese fella. This pan he sold me doesn't fly at all. Who's the most alarming guy in the Chinese army? The one in charge of the supplies Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unknown user Posted January 13, 2017 Author Share Posted January 13, 2017 I just made that up Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unknown user Posted January 13, 2017 Author Share Posted January 13, 2017 And yes, Power Plant if you must know Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted January 13, 2017 Share Posted January 13, 2017 A little Irish lad is walking along the road, crying his eyes out. A woman approaches and asks him what is wrong. My mum's dead says the wee lad. Do you want me to call Father O'Reilly for you, asks the woman. No thanks said the wee lad. Sex is the last thing on my mind at the moment. Heavens above! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted January 13, 2017 Share Posted January 13, 2017 I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over. Jack? Are you actually Les feckin Dawson? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ulysses Posted January 14, 2017 Share Posted January 14, 2017 (edited) The AA issued a warning that anyone travelling in icy conditions should take extra clothing including scarf, hat and gloves, blankets/sleeping bag, 24-hour supply of food and water, a shovel, torch, spare battery, petrol can, de-icer, rock salt and jump leads. I felt like a complete twat on the bus. Edited January 14, 2017 by Ulysses Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Watt-Zeefuik Posted January 14, 2017 Share Posted January 14, 2017 The AA issued a warning that anyone travelling in icy conditions should take extra clothing including scarf, hat and gloves, blankets/sleeping bag, 24-hour supply of food and water, a shovel, torch, spare battery, petrol can, de-icer, rock salt and jump leads. I felt like a complete twat on the bus. It must be the whiskey but I laughed hard at this one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Watt-Zeefuik Posted January 14, 2017 Share Posted January 14, 2017 (edited) I didn't do much today. Mostly just laid around in nothing but my boxers. Got kicked out of a few restaurants though. Edited January 14, 2017 by Ugly American Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ulysses Posted January 14, 2017 Share Posted January 14, 2017 Jaysus, lads, it's worse it's getting. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted January 14, 2017 Share Posted January 14, 2017 Time for superjack.... Things aren't THAT bad Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
132goals1958 Posted January 14, 2017 Share Posted January 14, 2017 A little mouse is in the jungle, and he comes across this elephant that is limping and looking decidedly uncomfortable. The mouse asks after the elephant who replies that a thorn is embedded on the sole of his foot, and is unable to dislodge it, I can help you says the mouse --- just let me nibble away at it and I am sure it will come out. A few minutes later the mouse true to its word removes the thorn and the elephant expresses his gratitude and tells the mouse that anything he can do for it, he will willingly oblige. The mouse looks up at the elephant and tells him that in his eyes he is the real King of the jungle, and he has always looked up to him in awe and wonderment. The elephant thanks him for the praise and once again offers to help him in any way he can. The little mouse spotting an opportunity tells the elephant he is feeling a bit fruity and would love to have it off with him The elephant is totally taken aback but in the circumstances accedes to the mouse request who then scampers up his trunk down his back and starts doing the business. Witnessing this unbelievable act are two monkeys looking down from a tree who immediately lambast the elephant as a liberty taker and start throwing coconuts at the elephant?s head The elephant lets out an excruciating wail whereupon the mouse says. Sorry Mr Elephant Am I hurting you Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted January 14, 2017 Share Posted January 14, 2017 A little mouse is in the jungle, and he comes across this elephant that is limping and looking decidedly uncomfortable. The mouse asks after the elephant who replies that a thorn is embedded on the sole of his foot, and is unable to dislodge it, I can help you says the mouse --- just let me nibble away at it and I am sure it will come out. A few minutes later the mouse true to its word removes the thorn and the elephant expresses his gratitude and tells the mouse that anything he can do for it, he will willingly oblige. The mouse looks up at the elephant and tells him that in his eyes he is the real King of the jungle, and he has always looked up to him in awe and wonderment. The elephant thanks him for the praise and once again offers to help him in any way he can. The little mouse spotting an opportunity tells the elephant he is feeling a bit fruity and would love to have it off with him The elephant is totally taken aback but in the circumstances accedes to the mouse request who then scampers up his trunk down his back and starts doing the business. Witnessing this unbelievable act are two monkeys looking down from a tree who immediately lambast the elephant as a liberty taker and start throwing coconuts at the elephant?s head The elephant lets out an excruciating wail whereupon the mouse says. Sorry Mr Elephant Am I hurting you Don't give up the day job Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deesidejambo Posted January 14, 2017 Share Posted January 14, 2017 A little mouse is in the jungle, and he comes across this elephant that is limping and looking decidedly uncomfortable. The mouse asks after the elephant who replies that a thorn is embedded on the sole of his foot, and is unable to dislodge it, I can help you says the mouse --- just let me nibble away at it and I am sure it will come out. A few minutes later the mouse true to its word removes the thorn and the elephant expresses his gratitude and tells the mouse that anything he can do for it, he will willingly oblige. The mouse looks up at the elephant and tells him that in his eyes he is the real King of the jungle, and he has always looked up to him in awe and wonderment. The elephant thanks him for the praise and once again offers to help him in any way he can. The little mouse spotting an opportunity tells the elephant he is feeling a bit fruity and would love to have it off with him The elephant is totally taken aback but in the circumstances accedes to the mouse request who then scampers up his trunk down his back and starts doing the business. Witnessing this unbelievable act are two monkeys looking down from a tree who immediately lambast the elephant as a liberty taker and start throwing coconuts at the elephant?s head The elephant lets out an excruciating wail whereupon the mouse says. Sorry Mr Elephant Am I hurting you Is the punchline not "Take that ya bitch"? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted January 14, 2017 Share Posted January 14, 2017 Time for superjack....OK, if you insist. I taught my dog to play the trumpet on the London underground. We went from barking to tooting in just under an hour. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyBatistuta Posted January 14, 2017 Share Posted January 14, 2017 OK, if you insist. I taught my dog to play the trumpet on the London underground. We went from barking to tooting in just under an hour. like it Two cats are trying to swim across a river. The first cat is named "one, two, three" and the other is named "un, deux, trois" Who makes it across? One, two, three because Un deux trois cat sank Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyBatistuta Posted January 14, 2017 Share Posted January 14, 2017 Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven was a registered six offender. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyBatistuta Posted January 14, 2017 Share Posted January 14, 2017 A catholic priest takes members of his parish on a weekend break away. On booking into the hotel, he says to the receptionist 'I hope the porn is disabled.' The receptionist says 'it's just regular porn, you sick f###' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyBatistuta Posted January 14, 2017 Share Posted January 14, 2017 Clever. But shite. it's crap Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted January 14, 2017 Share Posted January 14, 2017 it's crap Tactful. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyBatistuta Posted January 14, 2017 Share Posted January 14, 2017 Yas, that was hard work jonno Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
logie green Posted January 14, 2017 Share Posted January 14, 2017 whats the difference between a bison and a buffalo? you can't wash your hands in a buffalo whats the differance between a chick pea and a lentil? donald trump wouldn't pay $1000 to see a lentil...(allegedly) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stuart Lyon Posted January 14, 2017 Share Posted January 14, 2017 How to catch a lion Dig a hole and put peas round it - when the lion comes for a pea kick it in the hole! I'll get ma coat. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deesidejambo Posted January 14, 2017 Share Posted January 14, 2017 How to catch a lion Dig a hole and put peas round it - when the lion comes for a pea kick it in the hole! I'll get ma coat. F F S Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sawdust Caesar Posted January 14, 2017 Share Posted January 14, 2017 What do you call a cheap circumcision?A rip off. How do you circumcise a Hibby?Kick his sister in the jaw. What's the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer?A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant. What do you call a Muslim stripper?Youseen Memuff Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iantjambo Posted January 14, 2017 Share Posted January 14, 2017 Just had a guy at the door asking me if I could donate any clothing in aid of the starving millions in Africa. I told him firmly to "**** off" Any African that can fit into my clothes isn't ******* starving. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Studs Mate Posted January 14, 2017 Share Posted January 14, 2017 What's the difference between an egg and a wank? You can beat an Egg. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JWL Posted January 14, 2017 Share Posted January 14, 2017 What's the difference between an egg and a wank? You can beat an Egg. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Watt-Zeefuik Posted January 14, 2017 Share Posted January 14, 2017 Why is Budweiser like sex in a canoe? It's ****ing close to water. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted January 14, 2017 Share Posted January 14, 2017 What's the difference between an egg and a wank? You can beat an Egg. What's the difference between a light on and a hard on? You can sleep with a light on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Watt-Zeefuik Posted January 15, 2017 Share Posted January 15, 2017 There's a man who's down on his luck and finally after finding a day's work, getting his wage, then buying dinner and renting a cheap room, he realizes he has about ?2 left over. Not having had any action in months, he goes down a back alley to a brothel that has a reputation for having a range of services, some at very low rates. He ducks through the door and finds a clerk at the desk. He presents his ?2 and says, what can I get for this? The man looks through a clipboard and gestures to a hallway and says, "door 5." He walks down the hall and finds door 5, which has a sign hanging over it saying, "Chicken That Gives Blowjobs." This sounds awful, but he's truly desperate. Inside he finds a small courtyard with a chicken walking around in it. After almost a half hour of trying, and no shortage of pecks on his pecker, the man gives up and goes back to the clerk and demands his money back. The clerk returns it to him and he goes home frustrated. After a week of working, he manages to save up ?10, and while he's skeptical, he returns to the same brothel. A different clerk checks the rate sheet, gestures towards a staircase going up, and says "door 12." At the top of the stairs there's a small balcony behind a pane of 2-way glass looking down on a different courtyard from the one he saw. There's another two patrons inside watching intently below as a middle aged woman keeps shoving her bum in front of a pygmy goat. "What's this?" he asks one of the other viewers. Without looking up at all, the other says, "she thinks the goat will give her a rim job." After watching a bit, he says, "wow, this is actually pretty great." The other patron, again without looking up, says, "you think this is good, last week we had a guy trying to get a chicken to give him a blowjob." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LeylandJambo Posted January 15, 2017 Share Posted January 15, 2017 Wee Scottish dug and a wee Irish dug are walking doon the road. The wee Scottish dug says "well I'm awa" so the wee Irish dug pissed on him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted January 15, 2017 Share Posted January 15, 2017 (edited) What's the difference between a light on and a hard on? You can sleep with a light on. Set up ought to be: "what's the difference between light and hard?" (But you may have been following the title to the letter, making a good home crapper Edited January 15, 2017 by I P Knightley Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jb102 Posted January 15, 2017 Share Posted January 15, 2017 The day before a gypsy wedding the mother of the bride takes her daughter to one side to have the time old traditional conversation about what to expect on the her wedding night. She says "now Roisin,your new husband Paddy is going to put his prize possession where you go to the toilet." Roisin says"feck off Ma hows he going to get his feckin transit van in the sink" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aussieh Posted January 15, 2017 Share Posted January 15, 2017 I just made that up That's part of a joke, so, no you didn't make it up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swanny17 Posted January 15, 2017 Share Posted January 15, 2017 Jokes about German sausages are the wurst. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LeylandJambo Posted January 15, 2017 Share Posted January 15, 2017 Jokes about German sausages are the wurst.Your just being a brat. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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