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Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)


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Fort Vallance

It was indeed, king of the crap joke was old bob

The guy who said "people laughed at me when I said I was going to be a comedian. We'll they're not laughing now"

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The guy who said "people laughed at me when I said I was going to be a comedian. We'll they're not laughing now"

:lol: that's exactly the one we were talking about

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Governor Tarkin

Janet Street Porter walks into a bar and says "I'd like a large aperitif"

 

The barman replies "You'll be lucky"

:D

Edited by Governor Tarkin
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Why did the chicken cross the road?

 

To get to the other side.

 

As my friend once pointed out there may be more to this joke than face value.

It could be the chicken was contemplating committing suicide, crossing the busy road would fulfill this objective and thus he would reach 'the other side'

 

Nah, probably not but it gave us at least fifteen minutes discussion in the pub one afternoon.

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As my friend once pointed out there may be more to this joke than face value.

It could be the chicken was contemplating committing suicide, crossing the busy road would fulfill this objective and thus he would reach 'the other side'

 

Nah, probably not but it gave us at least fifteen minutes discussion in the pub one afternoon.

I've been told this before

 

Maybe use it at halloween with a bit of a muhaha, see how it goes

Edited by Smithee
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...a bit disco

Why did the hamster cross the road?

 

 

 

It was stapled to the chicken.

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What's red and bad for your teeth?

A brick

 

 

 

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

It was dead.

 

Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?

It was stapled to the first monkey

 

Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?

Peer pressure.

 

 

A grasshopper walks into a bar, the bartender laughs and says, "hey, you know, we've got a drink named after you."  The grasshopper says, "you've got a drink named Larry?"

 

 

 

How many dull people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

one

 

 

 

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, the problem is getting them in there.

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Sawdust Caesar

I have a friend who had to give up his dream of becoming a professional wrestler because of his heroin addiction. He could just never lay the smackdown.

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Dr. Sheldon Cooper

A man went to a fancy dress party carrying his wife on his back.

 

"What have you come dressed as?" the host asked.

 

The man replied, "a snail, and this is Michelle".

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Why did the hamster cross the road?

 

 

 

It was stapled to the chicken.

Why did the hedgehog cross the road?

 

To see his flat mate

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Which biscuit can fly?

 

The wee plain one.

 

What do you get hanging from banana trees?

 

Sore arms

 

Two elephants fell off a cliff. Boom, boom

 

What's white and hops around the Australian outback?

 

Skippy the Bush kangafridge

 

How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

 

I'll tell you next week.

 

I used to be indecisive but now I'm not so sure.

 

I used to be conceited but now I'm perfect.

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A visibly exhausted and distressed man walks into a bar and orders a strong drink.

 

"Long day?" the bartender asks.

 

"No, all days are 24 hours long" the man replies, amazed at how uneducated the bartender is.

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What's blue and white and if it fell out a tree would kill you

 

 

 

 

 

 

A fridge with a Levi jacket on

Why did the little girl fall off the swing?

 

She was hit by a fridge.

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I P Knightley

The SSPCA were called out to investigate allegations that some of the Hibs players wee having a kick about with a hedgehog.

 

When they got there, the hedgehog was two goals up.

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Neilson's Shank

Two bits of black tarmac were having a pint when a bit of red tarmac comes in,

 

first bit of black tarmac moves, "lets go he's a cycle path"

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Guy asks shopkeeper ' excuse me, have you got any tinned pigeon'?

 

Shopkeeper replies ' sorry sir, no can doo'

 

Sent from my LG-D855 using Tapatalk

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I went for a job interview today, while sitting in the waiting, the guy next me to suddenly stands up, whips out his willie and starts wrecking the place.

 

After a few minutes he stops, turns to me and says" Im gonnae shove this up yer arse".

 

I said"Thank god for that, I thought you were gonnae hit me with it".

Edited by aussieh
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Sawdust Caesar

How does a Rabbi make a pot of tea?

 

Hebrews it.

 

1st atom: Did you hear that oxygen and magnesium went on a date?

2nd atom: OMg.

 

A history professor and a psychology professor are sitting outside at a nudist colony
History professor: Have you read Marx?
Psychology professor: Yes. I think it's from the wicker chairs
.

 

I used to do bad Eric Morecambe impressions but gave it up when I saw the error of my wa-heys.

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King Of The Cat Cafe

Cowboy walks into a showroom full of expensive German cars.

The salesman says "good morning, sir."

And the cowboy says "Audi".

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I P Knightley

Why don't fairies get pregnant?

 

Because they only go to goblin parties.

I heard that a fairy got pregnant when she sat on a toadstool.

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