Swanny17 Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 For a laugh, let's hear some of the alternative poems from your primary school days. Here's a couple I remember. Popeye the Sailor Man He sat on a frying pan He turned on the gas and burnt off his ass He's Popeye the Sailor man Jesus Christ, Superstar, wears frilly knickers and a see through bra... Poor I know! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Craigieboy Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 Bum tit tit Bum tit tit Plaaaaay the hairy banjo. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Салатные палочки Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 For a laugh, let's hear some of the alternative poems from your primary school days. Here's a couple I remember. Popeye the Sailor Man He sat on a frying pan He turned on the gas and burnt off his ass He's Popeye the Sailor man Jesus Christ, Superstar, wears frilly knickers and a see through bra... Poor I know! Ha ha ha ours was I'm Popeye the Sailor Man I live in a caravan I turned on the telly and blew up my belly I'm Popeye the Sailor Man Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alan_R Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 Postman pat, postman pat, postman pat ran over his cat,Blood and guts went flying,Postman pat was crying,Said he would never drink and drive again Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lewis2006 Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 Milk milk lemonade this is where the chocolates made Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Салатные палочки Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 Chinese Japanese Dirty Knees LOOK AT THESE (pull jumper out to symbolise chebs) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vincent B.A Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 Ha ha ha ours was I'm Popeye the Sailor Man I live in a caravan I turned on the telly and blew up my belly I'm Popeye the Sailor Man Popeye the Eskimo He lives in a pile of snow when it gets chilly he plays with his willy he's Popeye the Eskimo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tazio Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 I went my hole, I went my hole, I went my holiday, to see the cu.. You know the rest. My uncle use to amuse us when we were wee kids with Keech toley, bum fart, went to the public park, keech toley couldnae swim, bum fart blew him in. Hilarious when you're 7. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Салатные палочки Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 I went my hole, I went my hole, I went my holiday, to see the cu.. You know the rest. My uncle use to amuse us when we were wee kids with Keech toley, bum fart, went to the public park, keech toley couldnae swim, bum fart blew him in. Hilarious when you're 7. It still is Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deevers Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 Captain Cook went for a dook upon Niagara Falls He fell on a rock, and skinned his ****** And the fish swam away with his balls Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tazio Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 Good King Wenceslas looked out, on the feast of Steven, turned his knickers outside in, 'cos his bum was freezing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PsychocAndy Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 Bum tit tit Bum tit tit Plaaaaay the hairy banjo. I'm in the Doctors waiting to be seen and pishing myself laughing. They think I'm either a weirdo or at it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigC Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 Down at Fraggle Rock Grab a Fraggle by the ^^^^ Swing him round your head Now the Fraggle's dead Grab another one Stick a chainsaw up his bum... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigC Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 There she was just a walkin' down the street Singin "Do-what-Daddy-did-to-Mummy-to-get-me" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Say What Again Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 I went my hole, I went my hole, I went my holiday, to see the cu.. You know the rest. I remember that and ... Charlie had a budgie, a budgie, a budgie Charlie had a budgie, a budgie had he It flew in the morning, it flew in the night and when it came home it was covered in.. CHARLIE had a budgie, a budgie Also remember singing both of those BigC just posted. Weird timing of the thread as only yesterday, for some totally bizarre reason, I was singing to myself "Trebor mints are a minty bit stronger, stick them up your arse and they last a big longer" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Say What Again Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 I also mind getting a scud round the lug from my mum for changing the words of Ashford & Simpsons "Solid" from "solid as a rock" to "solid as my c--k.." I've just checked the year, and I was only 9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
¼½¾ Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 Tarzan in the jungle had a belly ache, Went to the toilet, (fart noise) Too late. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Салатные палочки Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 Goin down the motorway, one hundred and four Someone did a fart and blew off the door The wheels came off, the engine fell apart All because of someone's supersonic fart Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigC Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 Da na na na na Batman! Driving down the motorway Lorry come the other way FLAT-MAN! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PsychocAndy Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 I'm in the Doctors waiting to be seen and pishing myself laughing. They think I'm either a weirdo or at it. And I've still got the tune in my head and having to stop myself shouting out the last line Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Walrus Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 My Uncle Billy had a ten foot willy And he showed it to the lady next door She thought it was a snake and hit it with a rake and now it's only five foot four. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swanny17 Posted July 15, 2015 Author Share Posted July 15, 2015 I remember that and ... Charlie had a budgie, a budgie, a budgie Charlie had a budgie, a budgie had he It flew in the morning, it flew in the night and when it came home it was covered in.. CHARLIE had a budgie, a budgie Also remember singing both of those BigC just posted. Weird timing of the thread as only yesterday, for some totally bizarre reason, I was singing to myself "Trebor mints are a minty bit stronger, stick them up your arse and they last a big longer" That reminds me of this one, to the tune of "My Bonnie": My father?s a lavatory cleaner He works there from morning ?til night And when he gets home in the evening His feet are all covered in?. ?.Shine up your button with Brasso It?s only 6 pennies a tin You can buy it or nick it from Woolies Depends if there?s anyone in Some say that he died from pneumonia Some say that he died from a fright But we all know what my dad died from He died from the smell of the?. ?.Shine up your button with Brasso It?s only 6 pennies a tin You can buy it or nick it from Woolies Depends if there?s anyone in Some say he was buried in gravel Some say he was buried in grit But we all know what he was buried in He was buried in 10 feet of?. ?.Shine up your button with Brasso It?s only 6 pennies a tin You can buy it or nick it from Woolies Depends if there?s anyone in Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
friendly_jasper Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 jack and mary in the dairy...jack brings out his long and hairy.... mary says what a whopper...lets go home and do it proper.....3 months later all was well....6 months later it began to swell....9 months later bin bang bop....out popped a baby with a six foot ****** Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cairneyhill Jambo Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 Scooby Dooby Doo, on the loo Did a fart, and away it flew Up a hill, down a lane Hit a farmers window pane. The farmer came out with a rusty old gun Shot the fart, and away it run Up a hill, down a lane Back to Scooby's bum again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sandyk Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 What do you do if you needed the loo in an English country garden? You pull down your pants and fertilise the plants in an English country garden Then get a leaf and wipe your underneath in an English country garden Then get a spade and bury what you made in an English country garden Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Haken Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 Great thread. Maybe says too much about my sense of humour. Some of these take me back. Like PsychoAndy, have just guffawed at work reading Craigieboy's lost classic. Alternative nursery rhymes: Humpy Dumpty sat on the wall Humpty Dumpty had a great fall All the king's horses and all the king's men Said 'Scrambled eggs for a week!' (or **** him he's only an egg!) Hickory dickory dock Three mice ran up the clock The clock struck one and two got away with minor injuries Mary had a little pig that wouldn't stop its grunting She took it round the back one day and kicked its ****ing **** in Mary Mary quite contrary How does your garden grow? "Manure" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Say What Again Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 Mary had a little pig that wouldn't stop its grunting She took it round the back one day and kicked its ****ing **** in Used to get many a telling off for singing that one! Brilliant Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Rev Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 Great thread. Maybe says too much about my sense of humour. Some of these take me back. Like PsychoAndy, have just guffawed at work reading Craigieboy's lost classic. Alternative nursery rhymes: Mary had a little pig that wouldn't stop its grunting She took it round the back one day and kicked its ****ing **** in Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bert Le Clos Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 There was a young lady from Eeling, Who had a peculiar feeling. She lay on her bed, Spread open her legs, And pished all over her ceiling. I have about a million of those. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Салатные палочки Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 Mrs McGuire peed in the fire The fire was too hot, so she peed in the pot The pot was too wide, so she peed in the Clyde And aw the wee fishes swam up her backside Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sawdust Caesar Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 Old mother Hubbard went to the cupboard to give her poor dog a bone when she bent down the dog came along and gave her a bone of his own. Jack is nimble Jack is quick But Jill prefers the candlestick There was a young man from Nantucket whose... umm....best not to finish this one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 Mary had a little pig that wouldn't stop its grunting She took it round the back one day and kicked its ****ing **** in Another My favourite version of that goes: Mary had a little skirt, with a slit right up the side Everywhere that Mary goes, the boys can see her thighs. Mary had another skirt with a slit right up the front. She doesn't wear that one very often. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 For a laugh, let's hear some of the alternative poems from your primary school days. Here's a couple I remember. Popeye the Sailor Man He sat on a frying pan He turned on the gas and burnt off his ass He's Popeye the Sailor man Jesus Christ, Georgie Best, Superstar, wears frilly knickers and a see through bra... Poor I know! I'm Pope-eye the holy man I lives in the Vat-ee-can Eats spinach for dinner and bless all the sinners I'm Pope-eye the holy man. Wee edit above just to show my age! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sharpie Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 Hitler has only got one ball Goering has two but very small Himmler has something similar But poor old Goebells has no balls at all Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deevers Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 Mary, Mary, quite contrary How does your Garden grow? I live in a flat You stupid prat So how the feck would I know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brandt Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 We are the boys from the Durex mob And ye cannae get a better bit o rubber on your nob cause it sticks to your dick like evo stick and ye cannae get it off in the morning. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RudiHMFC Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 My granny played for scotland She nearly scored a goal She done the splits and burst her tits and the ball went up her hole. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RudiHMFC Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 Theres a couple i would probably get the jail for if i posted then here Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ryan Jarman Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 Jack and Jill went up the hill, So Jack could lick Jill's ****y. All Jack got was a mouth of c**k Cause Jill was a pure Tranny. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Haken Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 Another My favourite version of that goes: Mary had a little skirt, with a slit right up the side Everywhere that Mary goes, the boys can see her thighs. Mary had another skirt with a slit right up the front. She doesn't wear that one very often. Mary had a little lamb It gambolled round in hops It gambolled on the road once day and ended up as chops Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FWJ Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 Sandy was a good boy His brother was as well Sandy went to heaven His brother went to... Helensburgh Castle Standing on a rock If you want to get there You've got to show your... Cocktail ginger Two and six a glass If you don't like it You can shove it up your... Ask no questions Tell no lies That's how Sandy Got to paradise. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iantjambo Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 Jingle bells batman smells, Robin flew away, Kojack lost his lollypop so he bought a Milky Way. Here comes a Highland granny, 2 big t**s and a hairy *****. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sawdust Caesar Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 Georgy porgy pudding and pie kissed the girls and made them cry when the boys came out to play he kissed them too, he's funny that way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EreWeG0.. Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 My 1 skin lies over my 2 skin, My 2 skin lies over my 3.., My 3 skin lies over my 4 skin, oh pull back my 4 skin for me.. Pull back, pull back oh pull back my etc... Memories of detention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paolo Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 Mary had a little lamb, She tied it to a pylon, 12,000 volts went up its arse, And now its wool is nylon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zico Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 Jesus Christ, superstar Came round the corner on a Yamaha Pulled a skid, killed a kid And wrapped his balls round a dustbin lid Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Say What Again Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 I remember nearly every one of these Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Templeton Peck Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 Used to make up song lyrics all the time. Starship - We built this city, was changed to "We built this city on Sausage rolls" Karma Chameleon when he says "I'm a man" changed the line after to "You must be joking" I was 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 Mary had a little lamb It gambolled round in hops It gambolled on the road once day and ended up as chops Mary had a little bike, It's seat was back to front. Every time she pulled the brakes, The seat went up her ------ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Der Kaiser Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 I think all my childhood rhymes have been covered so on a similar theme, in Maths at school to help us remember SOHCAHTOA for our triangles our teacher told us to remember the phrase "Silly Old Hag Cracked All Her Teeth On Asparagus". We decided to have a competition amongst ourselves to come up with a new one. My suggestion won...."Sooty Offered Harry Corbett A Hand Tug Or Anal" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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