Rudolf's Mate Posted December 1, 2014 Share Posted December 1, 2014 Had a text from an older (75yrs) family member containing a joke. It wasn't a particular funny joke however it was made funnier by the fact he's Welsh and can barely work a mobile. Anyway thought I'd post the joke and ask for others.... Paddy buys a bath but takes it back the next day complaining that water keeps escaping..the shop manager says..Did you buy a plug ?..Paddy replies..You ****ker..you never told me it was electric.. As I said, it wasn't a particularly good one however interested to see who can do better Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sterling Archer Posted December 1, 2014 Share Posted December 1, 2014 How many potatoes does it take to kill an iri...... Actually never mind Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slevinkelevra Posted December 1, 2014 Share Posted December 1, 2014 What time does Sean Connery go to Wimbledon? Tennish Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Great Khali Posted December 1, 2014 Share Posted December 1, 2014 For my next trick I shall eat a musical instrument in a bap. Drum roll please. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the sub goalie Posted December 1, 2014 Share Posted December 1, 2014 What does one snowman say to another? Can you smell carrots Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FWJ Posted December 1, 2014 Share Posted December 1, 2014 The wife wanted to go somewhere expensive for our anniversary. So I took her to a petrol station. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
topcat Posted December 1, 2014 Share Posted December 1, 2014 I've just thought of a great joke about time travel But you've already heard it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Don Draper Posted December 1, 2014 Share Posted December 1, 2014 For my next trick I shall eat a musical instrument in a bap. Drum roll please. I liked this one much more than I probably should have. My contribution: mod edit Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheMaganator Posted December 1, 2014 Share Posted December 1, 2014 I liked this one much more than I probably should have. What do you call a Telly Tubby that's just been mugged? A tubby Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pistol1874 Posted December 1, 2014 Share Posted December 1, 2014 The inventor of predictive text has died. His funfair will be hello on Sundial. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maroon Sailor Posted December 1, 2014 Share Posted December 1, 2014 What's the soup of the day ? Oasis Oasis ? What's that ? You get a roll with it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Louis CK Posted December 1, 2014 Share Posted December 1, 2014 How many South Americans does it take to change a light bulb? A Brazilian. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Great Khali Posted December 1, 2014 Share Posted December 1, 2014 Walked past the bakers the other day and they had a sign "all cakes 99p" Tidy. Went in and ordered a donut, 99p a turnover 99p and I asked to get a slice of the cake on the top shelf as it looked pretty good. "That's ?1.05 for that sir" I pointed out the sign said all cakes 99p and he replied, "yes sir but that's Madeira cake" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LeftBack Posted December 1, 2014 Share Posted December 1, 2014 Woman goes into a cocktail bar and asks for a Double Entendre. So the barman gave her one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denis Atomic Posted December 1, 2014 Share Posted December 1, 2014 Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippie? Because he was too far out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr Sifter Posted December 1, 2014 Share Posted December 1, 2014 How many sound engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? One. One two. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tazio Posted December 1, 2014 Share Posted December 1, 2014 I've got a new job playing triangle in a reggae band. It's dead easy I just stand at the back 'n' ting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tazio Posted December 1, 2014 Share Posted December 1, 2014 How many sound engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? One. One two. Why do sound engineers only count to 2? Because you lift on 3. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
netherleejambo Posted December 1, 2014 Share Posted December 1, 2014 Bought the wife a matching bag and belt for Christmas The Hoover works a treat now Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Creepy Lurker Posted December 1, 2014 Share Posted December 1, 2014 Man walks into a bakers and asks for a loaf of bread. 'Certainly', replies the baker, 'white or wholemeal?' 'Just white, thanks', replies the man, 'I came here on my bike'. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ortarkod Posted December 1, 2014 Share Posted December 1, 2014 I have the body of a saint. Shame it's Buddha. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
terrible_groaning_noise Posted December 1, 2014 Share Posted December 1, 2014 Man walks into a bakers and asks for a loaf of bread. 'Certainly', replies the baker, 'white or wholemeal?' 'Just white, thanks', replies the man, 'I came here on my bike'. In a similar vein! Man walks into a sweetie shop "pound of chocolate caramels please" "sorry sir we only have plain left" "Mate don't **** me about my house is on fire!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Creepy Lurker Posted December 1, 2014 Share Posted December 1, 2014 In a similar vein! Man walks into a sweetie shop "pound of chocolate caramels please" "sorry sir we only have plain left" "Mate don't **** me about my house is on fire!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bugsy Posted December 1, 2014 Share Posted December 1, 2014 What's pink, wrinkly and hangs out yer grandas Y fronts? Yer Granny. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IronJambo Posted December 2, 2014 Share Posted December 2, 2014 Two birds sat on a perch. One says to the other "can you smell fish?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IronJambo Posted December 2, 2014 Share Posted December 2, 2014 How do you get down from a duck? You don't, you get down from a goose. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GlasgoJambo Posted December 2, 2014 Share Posted December 2, 2014 What's the best thing for a hangover? Getting really pissed the night before - works every time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jamboinglasgow Posted December 2, 2014 Share Posted December 2, 2014 I my trick is that I swollow rope, tie it in my stomach and then pass it out the other end. I shit you knot. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iantjambo Posted December 2, 2014 Share Posted December 2, 2014 There's 2 cows in a field. One turns to the other and says "tell you what mate I'm dreading another outbreak of that mad cow disease, does it not worry you?" The other cow replies "doesn't worry me mate. I'm a sheep". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
:shitwine: Posted December 2, 2014 Share Posted December 2, 2014 Why did the baker have dirty hands? He kneaded a shit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted December 2, 2014 Share Posted December 2, 2014 Tampax have released a tampon with a bit of tinsel instead of string. It's just for the Christmas period. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swanny17 Posted December 2, 2014 Share Posted December 2, 2014 Seemingly they don't make shortbread any longer.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
friendly_jasper Posted December 2, 2014 Share Posted December 2, 2014 whats grey and comes in pints.... elephants! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FWJ Posted December 2, 2014 Share Posted December 2, 2014 What's pink and hard? A pig with a flick-knife. What's pink and hard in the mornings? The Financial Times crossword. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chuck berrys hairline Posted December 2, 2014 Share Posted December 2, 2014 Did you see Jade Goody on her wedding day? She resembled a shuttlecock! Why do pizza hut not branch out to Africa? Afterall the kids eat free! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Салатные палочки Posted December 2, 2014 Share Posted December 2, 2014 Old wifey walks into a butchers. Butcher is standing over a three bar electric fire. "Is that yer Ayrshire Bacon?" "naw its ma hauns am heatin" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jambo Ell Posted December 2, 2014 Share Posted December 2, 2014 What do you call a dwarf in a cement mixer? A wee hard man. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted December 2, 2014 Share Posted December 2, 2014 To make it seem as though someone else is doing it for you when you masturbate, you should try soaking your hand in water for an hour or so before starting. Then it will look as though your Granny's doing it for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest C00l K1d Posted December 2, 2014 Share Posted December 2, 2014 Why were the bakers fingers brown? Because he kneaded a poo. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
winniethedog Posted December 2, 2014 Share Posted December 2, 2014 The wife packed her bags & left me last night claiming i love my football more than her which is a shame really, we've been together for 14 seasons. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zico Posted December 2, 2014 Share Posted December 2, 2014 Old wifey walks into a butchers. Butcher is standing over a three bar electric fire. "Is that yer Ayrshire Bacon?" "naw its ma hauns am heatin" Old wifey goes back to the butchers and asks, "can I have some lamb chops?" "Gigot?" said the butcher. So she starts dancing around like Michael Flatley and asks, "can I have some lamb chops?" Take my wife, please etc. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Norm Posted December 2, 2014 Share Posted December 2, 2014 Who's the coolest guy in hospital? The Ultrasound bloke. Who's the second coolest person in hospital? The hip replacement guy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gorgiewave Posted December 2, 2014 Share Posted December 2, 2014 I've posted it before but: A man walks into a butcher's shop and asks, "Can I have a mince round?" Butcher: "You can do what you like as long as you buy something." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Muppetboy Posted December 2, 2014 Share Posted December 2, 2014 I'm coming across as thick as shit, but I don't get it?? Lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vincent B.A Posted December 2, 2014 Share Posted December 2, 2014 How do you know ET is a hibs fan? Because he looks like one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paolo Posted December 2, 2014 Share Posted December 2, 2014 A dyslexic walks into a bra... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted December 2, 2014 Share Posted December 2, 2014 I once went out with a girl who had really bad eczema. Cracking pair of tits. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
William H. Bonney Posted December 2, 2014 Share Posted December 2, 2014 A drunk comes out of a pub and sees a nun walking on the other side of the street. So he carefully crosses the road and walks straight up to her and kicks her in her crotch. He then proceeds to rain punches on her face. Before she really knows what is going on he pulls her back up and knocks her out with a vicious head butt. Standing over her bleeding broken body he dusts off his hands and gloats "You're not so ****ing tough are you batman!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Creepy Lurker Posted December 2, 2014 Share Posted December 2, 2014 I'm coming across as thick as shit, but I don't get it?? Lol Seriously? Look at it again mate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted December 2, 2014 Share Posted December 2, 2014 I've posted it before but: A man walks into a butcher's shop and asks, "Can I have a mince round?" Butcher: "You can do what you like as long as you buy something." I went into the butchers for some steak and said, "a pound o' fillet" Butcher said, "a fiver you don't." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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