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Rudolf's Mate

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Rudolf's Mate

Had a text from an older (75yrs) family member containing a joke. It wasn't a particular funny joke however it was made funnier by the fact he's Welsh and can barely work a mobile.

 

Anyway thought I'd post the joke and ask for others....

 

Paddy buys a bath but takes it back the next day complaining that water keeps escaping..the shop manager says..Did you buy a plug ?..Paddy replies..You ****ker..you never told me it was electric..

 

As I said, it wasn't a particularly good one however interested to see who can do better ;)

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For my next trick I shall eat a musical instrument in a bap.

 

Drum roll please.

 

 

:D  I liked this one much more than I probably should have.

 

My contribution:

mod edit  :facepalm:

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:D I liked this one much more than I probably should have.

 

 

:lol:

 

What do you call a Telly Tubby that's just been mugged?

 

A tubby

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Maroon Sailor

What's the soup of the day ?

 

Oasis

 

 

Oasis ? What's that ?

 

 

You get a roll with it

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The Great Khali

Walked past the bakers the other day and they had a sign "all cakes 99p"

 

Tidy. Went in and ordered a donut, 99p a turnover 99p and I asked to get a slice of the cake on the top shelf as it looked pretty good.

 

"That's ?1.05 for that sir"

 

I pointed out the sign said all cakes 99p and he replied, "yes sir but that's Madeira cake"

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How many sound engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

One.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

One two.

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How many sound engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

One.

One two.

 

Why do sound engineers only count to 2? Because you lift on 3.

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Creepy Lurker

Man walks into a bakers and asks for a loaf of bread.

 

'Certainly', replies the baker, 'white or wholemeal?'

 

'Just white, thanks', replies the man, 'I came here on my bike'.

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terrible_groaning_noise

Man walks into a bakers and asks for a loaf of bread.

 

'Certainly', replies the baker, 'white or wholemeal?'

 

'Just white, thanks', replies the man, 'I came here on my bike'.

In a similar vein!

Man walks into a sweetie shop

"pound of chocolate caramels please"

"sorry sir we only have plain left"

"Mate don't **** me about my house is on fire!"

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Creepy Lurker

In a similar vein!

Man walks into a sweetie shop

"pound of chocolate caramels please"

"sorry sir we only have plain left"

"Mate don't **** me about my house is on fire!"

:lol:

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There's 2 cows in a field.

One turns to the other and says "tell you what mate I'm dreading another outbreak of that mad cow disease, does it not worry you?"

 

The other cow replies "doesn't worry me mate. I'm a sheep".

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I P Knightley

Tampax have released a tampon with a bit of tinsel instead of string.

 

 

It's just for the Christmas period.

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What's pink and hard?

 

A pig with a flick-knife.

 

 

 

What's pink and hard in the mornings?

 

The Financial Times crossword.

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chuck berrys hairline

Did you see Jade Goody on her wedding day?

 

 

 

She resembled a shuttlecock!

 

 

 

 

Why do pizza hut not branch out to Africa?

 

 

Afterall the kids eat free!

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Салатные палочки

Old wifey walks into a butchers.  Butcher is standing over a three bar electric fire.

 

"Is that yer Ayrshire Bacon?"

 

"naw its ma hauns am heatin"

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I P Knightley

To make it seem as though someone else is doing it for you when you masturbate, you should try soaking your hand in water for an hour or so before starting.

 

Then it will look as though your Granny's doing it for you.

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The wife packed her bags & left me last night claiming i love my football more than her which is a shame really, we've been together for 14 seasons.

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Old wifey walks into a butchers. Butcher is standing over a three bar electric fire.

 

"Is that yer Ayrshire Bacon?"

 

"naw its ma hauns am heatin"

Old wifey goes back to the butchers and asks, "can I have some lamb chops?"

 

"Gigot?" said the butcher.

 

So she starts dancing around like Michael Flatley and asks, "can I have some lamb chops?"

 

Take my wife, please etc.

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Who's the coolest guy in hospital?

The Ultrasound bloke.

 

Who's the second coolest person in hospital?

The hip replacement guy.

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I've posted it before but:

 

A man walks into a butcher's shop and asks, "Can I have a mince round?"

 

Butcher: "You can do what you like as long as you buy something."

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William H. Bonney

A drunk comes out of a pub and sees a nun walking on the other side of the street. So he carefully crosses the road and walks straight up to her and kicks her in her crotch. He then proceeds to rain punches on her face. Before she really knows what is going on he pulls her back up and knocks her out with a vicious head butt.


Standing over her bleeding broken body he dusts off his hands and gloats "You're not so ****ing tough are you batman!"

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Creepy Lurker

I'm coming across as thick as shit, but I don't get it?? Lol

Seriously?  Look at it again mate.

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I P Knightley

I've posted it before but:

 

A man walks into a butcher's shop and asks, "Can I have a mince round?"

 

Butcher: "You can do what you like as long as you buy something."

I went into the butchers for some steak and said, "a pound o' fillet"

 

Butcher said, "a fiver you don't."

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