depression

March 7, 2021

22 hours ago, Swanny17 said:

The last few nights have been about Armageddon, tsunamis, plane crashes and terrorism. Just to name a few. It’s awful bud eh. Not to mention the constant dreams of losing anyone and everyone important to me. 🥺

Guys, if the bad dreams have started since a change of meds, they can be aside-effects of the meds....happy to Pm anyone about depression and meds ....kinda been my area of interest since I started suffering in my early 20s......

March 7, 2021

21 hours ago, otterjohn said:

Honestly my heart goes out to everyone who suffers from Depression and Anxiety.

I've saw first hand what its done to my Mother and Brother

I hate loose talk from people who are maybe feeling a bit down but say they are depressed or think depression only hits certain people

Its like a bloody life sentence for the poor souls who suffer Honestly my heart bleeds for them We need to be spending lots more cash researching it.Recently fans especially Jambos donated a fortune to another club surely someone brighter and more eloquent than me could come up with a campaign for kickback and football fans to get more people talking about this horrible disease lots of our fans and family suffer from .I promise to donate a decent amount if some kind person can get something on the go

All the very best to anyone who is suffering this If anyone needs someone to talk to please PM me as I say I've saw the damage it can do

God Bless all who have been affected by it

As good a time as any to post this link.

March 7, 2021

32 minutes ago, pharmaceutical01 said:

Guys, if the bad dreams have started since a change of meds, they can be aside-effects of the meds....happy to Pm anyone about depression and meds ....kinda been my area of interest since I started suffering in my early 20s......

👍👏

March 8, 2021

On 07/03/2021 at 00:17, LeftBack said:

The message I strongly want to get across... And forgive the sexism if it is that.. Is we males are terrible about talking about how we feel and that has to change. Me.. I hid (e) behind alcohol. I come on a football forum to talk about my club because I don't have anyone else to (despite having family and friends) when I had my first breakdown I actually posted on here before being taken to hospital. I'm a relatively normal guy, decent job... But my brain one day said f this...you can't cope. I take pills and had horrendous side effects. But the best thing I have done was to talk. First to a therapist (60 an hour) and then to a few mates. Family, dog, hearts. Most important things in my life. But the most important thing is me. That's why they say put the oxygen mask on you first to help others. Sort ourselves out and we can go on. Anyway. Ranting of a fool. But a jambo fool who tries his best

I hid my depression....quite successfully for some time.

But when I finally decide to talk about it, it was a huge weight off my shoulders. Now find myself quite happy to talk about it with anyone and generally found other folk are quite open about listening or sharing similar occasions. Less stigmatism I feel around it.

Stopped my pills last April (just decided to cold turkey it which I know could have been a mistake) and so far haven't reached back for them....although I can feel their absence in my emotions. I am very aware in the suppressing effect they had.

That said...watching Hearts this season could put me back on the pills.

March 8, 2021

Last Wednesday I was in a great mood in the morning but come 3 o'clock in the afternoon i just feel off a cliff mentally. Nothing brought it on but I just got home from work and went straight to bed.

The next day I was speaking to my flatmate and long time friend and he asked why I was depressed and I told him there is no reason for me to be depressed, he was like "there must be something" but there is nothing just now. My life is going pretty good right now and he could not get his head round it.

April 30, 2021

I thought this thread could do with a bump due to the story in the press today about the Albion Rovers player.

It's really important for anyone feeling this way to speak to someone and know that there are lots of people available who can listen and help.

May 6, 2021

Been feeling it a bit lately. Nothing like I was before (panic attacks, random crying etc) but I feel low ans stressed at times due to a number of things.

My youngest daughter was born premature and had a brain injury at birth. She has been diagnosed with a form of cerebral palsy. She's two and half now and is not forming any words, just babbling. She is really active and can walk, run, climb etc and doesn't need any walking aids but there is clearly a learning delay there. We don't have a diagnosis for this and speech and language are involved but there is just so much uncertainty around it.

My oldest daughter has the same diagnosis (I only recently found out that it was a genetic disorder, which made me feel even worse). She also had a brain injury at birth. She has done so well though. She is gorgeous, intelligent, funny, has great fashion sense and a great taste in music. Her main worry is she walks with a limp and although this didn't bother her when she was younger, as she has got older she has become really self-conscious about it. This has manifested itself in an eating disorder and she has been diagnosed as anorexic. She does eat, just not the right things and she is gradually losing weight (something she does not need to do).

My son is finishing school this year and I have absolutely no idea what he wants to do and I worry about his future.

Right now I find myself getting really stressed at work at the slightest thing. The thing is I am in charge of a small office and they actually wouldn't have a clue if I went off sick. It would also leave us really short on staff. There are new systems in place which I have been trained on to give training on and I feel like right now I couldn't go off. But I don't want to then crack up when it is too late. The bosses are nowhere to be seen these days and even then, I don't think I would feel comfortable sharing this with them.

Really at a point where I don't know what to do.

May 6, 2021

37 minutes ago, Salad Fingers said:

Been feeling it a bit lately. Nothing like I was before (panic attacks, random crying etc) but I feel low ans stressed at times due to a number of things.

My youngest daughter was born premature and had a brain injury at birth. She has been diagnosed with a form of cerebral palsy. She's two and half now and is not forming any words, just babbling. She is really active and can walk, run, climb etc and doesn't need any walking aids but there is clearly a learning delay there. We don't have a diagnosis for this and speech and language are involved but there is just so much uncertainty around it.

My oldest daughter has the same diagnosis (I only recently found out that it was a genetic disorder, which made me feel even worse). She also had a brain injury at birth. She has done so well though. She is gorgeous, intelligent, funny, has great fashion sense and a great taste in music. Her main worry is she walks with a limp and although this didn't bother her when she was younger, as she has got older she has become really self-conscious about it. This has manifested itself in an eating disorder and she has been diagnosed as anorexic. She does eat, just not the right things and she is gradually losing weight (something she does not need to do).

My son is finishing school this year and I have absolutely no idea what he wants to do and I worry about his future.

Right now I find myself getting really stressed at work at the slightest thing. The thing is I am in charge of a small office and they actually wouldn't have a clue if I went off sick. It would also leave us really short on staff. There are new systems in place which I have been trained on to give training on and I feel like right now I couldn't go off. But I don't want to then crack up when it is too late. The bosses are nowhere to be seen these days and even then, I don't think I would feel comfortable sharing this with them.

Really at a point where I don't know what to do.

I would get it on record at work that you are toiling then see the doc.

There will be others with far better and more in-depth advice no doubt but that's what I would do.

June 8, 2021

Hi everyone. Thought long and hard about posting here this evening but decided to take a brave pill.

I am not going through a good time at the moment and everything has come to a head in the last day or two, leaving me not really knowing where to turn, and my parents are really worried about me, which in turn makes me feel worse because I worry about them. I have recently split with my fiance who I lived with in Glasgow, and I have moved back to just outside Edinburgh with my mum and dad. The breakup was my decision but it doesn't make things any easier. Since I got home I have shut myself off from most of my friends and my family. I lie in my bed most days and don't really do anything. I barely eat and have lost a stone since I moved home. I have no interest in doing anything and if I do socialise, it takes me days to recover. I have suicidal thoughts and I self harm and I was referred to acute psychiatry a few weeks ago. My medication was changed to fluoxetine which didn't agree with me but I've since then changed to venlafaxine. It's too soon to say whether it's doing anything. I'm in my final year of a really important degree and my parents and I had to have the difficult discussion today about how I am in danger of failing this after all the hard work I've put in for the last three years.

Anyway, I have suffered a variety of mental health problems since I was a teenager (anxiety, depression, PTSD, EDs) and have had anti-depressants on and off since around 2015. I have been referred to counselling twice, once for an eating disorder and once for trauma related counselling. The first time I hated it and ended up discharging myself, and the second time, by the time my time on the waiting list came round, I didn't require the counselling any more and was discharged within three weeks. I feel like there is something more going on with my mental health but it is so hard to get a proper diagnosis and things are incredibly complex. I have researched thoroughly into borderline personality disorder and I feel like I show all the classic signs of it, but I don't know how to get a diagnosis and treatment. Any emotions I feel are completely intense and I struggle to deal with them. I can get so angry for little reason and when I'm anxious or depressed, it feels so extreme. I then flip to manic and impulsive and that's when I tend to do things like drink a lot. I flip between avoidant and anxious attachment styles and it has severe implications for any friendships/relationships that I develop. I tend to display an avoidant attachment style with my family and my close friends and I shut people off and get angry if they try and help me. I find it easier to talk to people who I don't know as well but most of the time that leads to a vicious cycle of getting to know someone, getting on well, opening up and then me becoming 'too much' for them. My fear of abandonment and my anxious attachment means I will be too intense and my behaviour can be impulsive and irrational which pushes people away. I then start to feel paranoia and have extremely intrusive thoughts. I open up to people and tell them everything and have them say they won't judge any mental health issues I have and then when my behaviour becomes out of control they tell people I'm '******* mental' which is a kick in the stomach when you trust someone with personal stuff and they then use ablest language like that. I also have a tendency to find a 'favourite person' and rely on them which obviously becomes too much. So that then leads to me withdrawing, not telling anyone anything and shutting myself away, and this cycle continues if I'm having a bad episode. It's also really hard to apologise or explain behaviours when going through this because it's not a well known condition, so if it is something that I have, I don't even know what sort of effect it will have on me in the future. And on the flip side, if I'm in a stable relationship with someone who treats me well, all I can think about is self sabotaging it and leaving. And I can't last more than a couple of years. And the thing is, I can go through periods of time where I am completely fine, but when it's bad, it's really ******* bad and I feel so bad for anybody I hurt along the way, but I never get a chance to apologise properly because of the situations. It's hell on earth tbh and I'm actually not sure if I can continue to live my life this way.

Anyway, this has been a beast of a post and I'm not sure what I wanted to get out of it. I suppose it is a bit of a 'cry for help' and just wanting somebody to reassure me that things will get better. I took a huge step today contacting uni so I have deferred my last assessment, and they are helping me and I'm also going to be starting counselling through them. I have my review over the phone with the GP tomorrow. Not sure what I want to get from it, but I just desperately want things to get better.

June 8, 2021

I'm afraid I probably can't be much help with what you detail in paragraphs 2 & 3 as most of this is completely outwith my own experiences; I have no professional qualifications or experience in this area either.

However, from your final paragraph, it seems to me that what you have put into motion with your uni and GP are exactly the right things to do and that these will be vital steps in helping you cope better with things and - let's hope - your future recovery and wellbeing.

Whilst I have not gone through the sort of negative experiences and emotional difficulties that you unfortunately have, I have certainly gone through some very bad times with things like family bereavements, serious health problems, and major relationship and work-related traumas. Due to this, one thing I have learnt in my 60-odd (some very odd!) years on the planet is that nothing lasts for ever - including bad times - and that things DO get better, particularly with the help and support of a loving family and true friends who you can trust and rely upon.

Best wishes and good luck. :icon14:

June 8, 2021

I can sympathise with many of the symptoms being stated. At present I am still going through the phases of grief. I get depressed suffer severe loneliness, never been alone in my life until now. Of course COVID is no help. I am not seeking or wanting or using any help or medication. I understand my problem, and I am self prescribing. I have enough life experience to know that death of a close one causes serious problems, I allow myself the always looked at as weakness of tears, I think of my wife and daughter all the time, and even speak to them, at times, it helps. On a daily basis I cook

, clean, launder whatever, as I know my wife did every day, and it is what she would expect of me, this is my memorial to her and her memory. I always thought of myself as a bit of a hard man, can handle anything physical, emotional, or medical. This one the emotional is the toughest fight I have had, but like the others its there to be beat, and I take satisfaction and relief because if my wife can see me she will be smiling and saying Rob I am proud of you, That thought is all the medication I need.

June 8, 2021

1 hour ago, Shapes said:

Hi everyone. Thought long and hard about posting here this evening but decided to take a brave pill.

I am not going through a good time at the moment and everything has come to a head in the last day or two, leaving me not really knowing where to turn, and my parents are really worried about me, which in turn makes me feel worse because I worry about them. I have recently split with my fiance who I lived with in Glasgow, and I have moved back to just outside Edinburgh with my mum and dad. The breakup was my decision but it doesn't make things any easier. Since I got home I have shut myself off from most of my friends and my family. I lie in my bed most days and don't really do anything. I barely eat and have lost a stone since I moved home. I have no interest in doing anything and if I do socialise, it takes me days to recover. I have suicidal thoughts and I self harm and I was referred to acute psychiatry a few weeks ago. My medication was changed to fluoxetine which didn't agree with me but I've since then changed to venlafaxine. It's too soon to say whether it's doing anything. I'm in my final year of a really important degree and my parents and I had to have the difficult discussion today about how I am in danger of failing this after all the hard work I've put in for the last three years.

Anyway, I have suffered a variety of mental health problems since I was a teenager (anxiety, depression, PTSD, EDs) and have had anti-depressants on and off since around 2015. I have been referred to counselling twice, once for an eating disorder and once for trauma related counselling. The first time I hated it and ended up discharging myself, and the second time, by the time my time on the waiting list came round, I didn't require the counselling any more and was discharged within three weeks. I feel like there is something more going on with my mental health but it is so hard to get a proper diagnosis and things are incredibly complex. I have researched thoroughly into borderline personality disorder and I feel like I show all the classic signs of it, but I don't know how to get a diagnosis and treatment. Any emotions I feel are completely intense and I struggle to deal with them. I can get so angry for little reason and when I'm anxious or depressed, it feels so extreme. I then flip to manic and impulsive and that's when I tend to do things like drink a lot. I flip between avoidant and anxious attachment styles and it has severe implications for any friendships/relationships that I develop. I tend to display an avoidant attachment style with my family and my close friends and I shut people off and get angry if they try and help me. I find it easier to talk to people who I don't know as well but most of the time that leads to a vicious cycle of getting to know someone, getting on well, opening up and then me becoming 'too much' for them. My fear of abandonment and my anxious attachment means I will be too intense and my behaviour can be impulsive and irrational which pushes people away. I then start to feel paranoia and have extremely intrusive thoughts. I open up to people and tell them everything and have them say they won't judge any mental health issues I have and then when my behaviour becomes out of control they tell people I'm '******* mental' which is a kick in the stomach when you trust someone with personal stuff and they then use ablest language like that. I also have a tendency to find a 'favourite person' and rely on them which obviously becomes too much. So that then leads to me withdrawing, not telling anyone anything and shutting myself away, and this cycle continues if I'm having a bad episode. It's also really hard to apologise or explain behaviours when going through this because it's not a well known condition, so if it is something that I have, I don't even know what sort of effect it will have on me in the future. And on the flip side, if I'm in a stable relationship with someone who treats me well, all I can think about is self sabotaging it and leaving. And I can't last more than a couple of years. And the thing is, I can go through periods of time where I am completely fine, but when it's bad, it's really ******* bad and I feel so bad for anybody I hurt along the way, but I never get a chance to apologise properly because of the situations. It's hell on earth tbh and I'm actually not sure if I can continue to live my life this way.

Anyway, this has been a beast of a post and I'm not sure what I wanted to get out of it. I suppose it is a bit of a 'cry for help' and just wanting somebody to reassure me that things will get better. I took a huge step today contacting uni so I have deferred my last assessment, and they are helping me and I'm also going to be starting counselling through them. I have my review over the phone with the GP tomorrow. Not sure what I want to get from it, but I just desperately want things to get better.

Things will get better. It might not feel like it yet but it will.

One thing I noticed from your post is that you tend to drink when things get bad. I would avoid alcohol use if you can. It's only a temporary fix and tends to counteract any medication.

It seems like you have exhausted a lot of support. But there are other options that you may not have tried that might help like relaxation techniques, meditation and exercise.

One thing I have heard a lot about recently is cold water swimming. It is supposedly really beneficial to your mental and physical health. There are clubs all over Scotland and bound to be one near you you could enquire about. There are many things to help take your mind off what is going on in your head.

Some counselling in relation to your relationship issues (sabotaging good relationships etc) may be beneficial also.

Just some thoughts really. I wish you all the best.

June 8, 2021

Thanks for the advice everyone. Just feel like at the moment this is the most rock bottom I have ever felt. But I have got through some tough times before so I'm sure that I will again. Going to try get out for more fresh air and walks and even just sitting in the garden. It's just the actual motivation to get up and do that that's the issue.

Somebody PMd me too about peer support groups so I'd like to thank them for that. Hadn't really looked in to that before but it seems like a way to open up in a safe space at a time when I'm finding it hard to trust. Got my counselling assessment on Thursday too so hopefully speaking through everything helps. I just know there's something very complex going on and want to get the best treatment so I stop hurting myself and others around me who I care about.

Edited June 8, 2021 by Shapes

June 8, 2021

3 minutes ago, Shapes said:

Thanks for the advice everyone. Just feel like at the moment this is the most rock bottom I have ever felt. But I have got through some tough times before so I'm sure that I will again. Going to try get out for more fresh air and walks and even just sitting in the garden. It's just the actual motivation to get up and do that that's the issue.

Good idea about the fresh air, walks, and doing positive things you enjoy and that give you pleasure. They may sound like small, unimportant, actions, but if they help and make you feel better - even if just at the time - then they can and will be of benefit.

Going out for long walks, cycling, and just being out somewhere nice in the sunshine have always helped me get through my difficult times.

June 8, 2021

28 minutes ago, Sharpie said:

I can sympathise with many of the symptoms being stated. At present I am still going through the phases of grief. I get depressed suffer severe loneliness, never been alone in my life until now. Of course COVID is no help. I am not seeking or wanting or using any help or medication. I understand my problem, and I am self prescribing. I have enough life experience to know that death of a close one causes serious problems, I allow myself the always looked at as weakness of tears, I think of my wife and daughter all the time, and even speak to them, at times, it helps. On a daily basis I cook

, clean, launder whatever, as I know my wife did every day, and it is what she would expect of me, this is my memorial to her and her memory. I always thought of myself as a bit of a hard man, can handle anything physical, emotional, or medical. This one the emotional is the toughest fight I have had, but like the others its there to be beat, and I take satisfaction and relief because if my wife can see me she will be smiling and saying Rob I am proud of you, That thought is all the medication I need.

Good man Bob. :icon14:

June 8, 2021

4 hours ago, Shapes said:

Hi everyone. Thought long and hard about posting here this evening but decided to take a brave pill.

I am not going through a good time at the moment and everything has come to a head in the last day or two, leaving me not really knowing where to turn, and my parents are really worried about me, which in turn makes me feel worse because I worry about them. I have recently split with my fiance who I lived with in Glasgow, and I have moved back to just outside Edinburgh with my mum and dad. The breakup was my decision but it doesn't make things any easier. Since I got home I have shut myself off from most of my friends and my family. I lie in my bed most days and don't really do anything. I barely eat and have lost a stone since I moved home. I have no interest in doing anything and if I do socialise, it takes me days to recover. I have suicidal thoughts and I self harm and I was referred to acute psychiatry a few weeks ago. My medication was changed to fluoxetine which didn't agree with me but I've since then changed to venlafaxine. It's too soon to say whether it's doing anything. I'm in my final year of a really important degree and my parents and I had to have the difficult discussion today about how I am in danger of failing this after all the hard work I've put in for the last three years.

Anyway, I have suffered a variety of mental health problems since I was a teenager (anxiety, depression, PTSD, EDs) and have had anti-depressants on and off since around 2015. I have been referred to counselling twice, once for an eating disorder and once for trauma related counselling. The first time I hated it and ended up discharging myself, and the second time, by the time my time on the waiting list came round, I didn't require the counselling any more and was discharged within three weeks. I feel like there is something more going on with my mental health but it is so hard to get a proper diagnosis and things are incredibly complex. I have researched thoroughly into borderline personality disorder and I feel like I show all the classic signs of it, but I don't know how to get a diagnosis and treatment. Any emotions I feel are completely intense and I struggle to deal with them. I can get so angry for little reason and when I'm anxious or depressed, it feels so extreme. I then flip to manic and impulsive and that's when I tend to do things like drink a lot. I flip between avoidant and anxious attachment styles and it has severe implications for any friendships/relationships that I develop. I tend to display an avoidant attachment style with my family and my close friends and I shut people off and get angry if they try and help me. I find it easier to talk to people who I don't know as well but most of the time that leads to a vicious cycle of getting to know someone, getting on well, opening up and then me becoming 'too much' for them. My fear of abandonment and my anxious attachment means I will be too intense and my behaviour can be impulsive and irrational which pushes people away. I then start to feel paranoia and have extremely intrusive thoughts. I open up to people and tell them everything and have them say they won't judge any mental health issues I have and then when my behaviour becomes out of control they tell people I'm '******* mental' which is a kick in the stomach when you trust someone with personal stuff and they then use ablest language like that. I also have a tendency to find a 'favourite person' and rely on them which obviously becomes too much. So that then leads to me withdrawing, not telling anyone anything and shutting myself away, and this cycle continues if I'm having a bad episode. It's also really hard to apologise or explain behaviours when going through this because it's not a well known condition, so if it is something that I have, I don't even know what sort of effect it will have on me in the future. And on the flip side, if I'm in a stable relationship with someone who treats me well, all I can think about is self sabotaging it and leaving. And I can't last more than a couple of years. And the thing is, I can go through periods of time where I am completely fine, but when it's bad, it's really ******* bad and I feel so bad for anybody I hurt along the way, but I never get a chance to apologise properly because of the situations. It's hell on earth tbh and I'm actually not sure if I can continue to live my life this way.

Anyway, this has been a beast of a post and I'm not sure what I wanted to get out of it. I suppose it is a bit of a 'cry for help' and just wanting somebody to reassure me that things will get better. I took a huge step today contacting uni so I have deferred my last assessment, and they are helping me and I'm also going to be starting counselling through them. I have my review over the phone with the GP tomorrow. Not sure what I want to get from it, but I just desperately want things to get better.

Print this out - or a concise, bullet-point version if you can manage, before your GP appointment.

It's very difficult to get stuff like this across, its also easy to forget what to say during an appointment. This will help you express what's going on and give them a good understanding of how you are feeling.

You have a very good insight into what's going on, which can help a lot with recovery. This can and will get better with the right combination of treatments. Contacting your GP and your Uni were very sensible, proactive steps to take and should put you on the right path to get appropriate support to start making things better.

June 9, 2021

12 hours ago, Auld Reekin' said:

I'm afraid I probably can't be much help with what you detail in paragraphs 2 & 3 as most of this is completely outwith my own experiences; I have no professional qualifications or experience in this area either.

However, from your final paragraph, it seems to me that what you have put into motion with your uni and GP are exactly the right things to do and that these will be vital steps in helping you cope better with things and - let's hope - your future recovery and wellbeing.

Whilst I have not gone through the sort of negative experiences and emotional difficulties that you unfortunately have, I have certainly gone through some very bad times with things like family bereavements, serious health problems, and major relationship and work-related traumas. Due to this, one thing I have learnt in my 60-odd (some very odd!) years on the planet is that nothing lasts for ever - including bad times - and that things DO get better, particularly with the help and support of a loving family and true friends who you can trust and rely upon.

Best wishes and good luck.

You are so right regarding things will get better ( usually ) I always recall what my mum said to me one time when I was really down about various things ( relationships , work etc ) she said a simple thing “ the sun will shine again “ and it really resonated with me. It did . It’s been my mantra since . A lot of hard times in life are temporary . It’s how we get through them which is important .

June 9, 2021

9 hours ago, Gizmo said:

Print this out - or a concise, bullet-point version if you can manage, before your GP appointment.

It's very difficult to get stuff like this across, its also easy to forget what to say during an appointment. This will help you express what's going on and give them a good understanding of how you are feeling.

You have a very good insight into what's going on, which can help a lot with recovery. This can and will get better with the right combination of treatments. Contacting your GP and your Uni were very sensible, proactive steps to take and should put you on the right path to get appropriate support to start making things better.

Good advice .

June 9, 2021

12 hours ago, Shapes said:

Thanks for the advice everyone. Just feel like at the moment this is the most rock bottom I have ever felt. But I have got through some tough times before so I'm sure that I will again. Going to try get out for more fresh air and walks and even just sitting in the garden. It's just the actual motivation to get up and do that that's the issue.

Somebody PMd me too about peer support groups so I'd like to thank them for that. Hadn't really looked in to that before but it seems like a way to open up in a safe space at a time when I'm finding it hard to trust. Got my counselling assessment on Thursday too so hopefully speaking through everything helps. I just know there's something very complex going on and want to get the best treatment so I stop hurting myself and others around me who I care about.

Yes going to GP is first line of Action as he can refer you to other professionals . This mental health help line is also helpful to people they have a 24 hours telephone service in Edinburgh

http://www.edinburghcrisiscentre.org.uk/wordpress/

June 9, 2021

Thanks everyone. Just had my GP review and I've had my antidepressants increased and got more sleeping tablets. Spoke to her a lot about how I feel and my behaviours and clinging onto people and she said that hopefully my counselling session with uni tomorrow should be able to help me with why I feel and act the way I do and identify triggers and help me overcome these feelings. All seeming a bit more hopeful today. I got dressed and showered for the first time since Saturday and went out with my mum to the shops.

June 9, 2021

31 minutes ago, Shapes said:

Thanks everyone. Just had my GP review and I've had my antidepressants increased and got more sleeping tablets. Spoke to her a lot about how I feel and my behaviours and clinging onto people and she said that hopefully my counselling session with uni tomorrow should be able to help me with why I feel and act the way I do and identify triggers and help me overcome these feelings. All seeming a bit more hopeful today. I got dressed and showered for the first time since Saturday and went out with my mum to the shops.

Good to hear you're feeling a bit better today.

I've had some very hard periods with mental health over the years, some of which are on this thread.

Everyone is different but two of the things that really helped me were getting out into nature as much as possible, even in howling gales and pissing rain and giving up booze completely.

It's great that you were able to share how you were feeling on here and were able to get help from your GP.

I've been feeling better for a while now but it's important to keep up with the things that work for you. Last night I went to the beach for a half hour walk and it really helped me forget about everything else.

All the best!

Edited June 9, 2021 by Captain Canada

June 9, 2021

3 hours ago, Captain Canada said:

Good to hear you're feeling a bit better today.

I've had some very hard periods with mental health over the years, some of which are on this thread.

Everyone is different but two of the things that really helped me were getting out into nature as much as possible, even in howling gales and pissing rain and giving up booze completely.

It's great that you were able to share how you were feeling on here and were able to get help from your GP.

I've been feeling better for a while now but it's important to keep up with the things that work for you. Last night I went to the beach for a half hour walk and it really helped me forget about everything else.

All the best!

Thanks for this! I'm definitely going to start getting out and about more in the fresh air. Reading works for me too so I'm just trying to concentrate on things that distract me from my thoughts at the moment until my medication balance etc is right.

I'm nervous about the counselling assessment tomorrow but I know that I've needed this for a long time and if it can help me get to the root cause and make me a bit better then I'm all for it because I've been rock bottom recently and I've not been kind to my mind and I've pushed people away. Here's hoping it helps. When I'm well it's like I'm a completely different person to when the illness takes hold and it makes difficult to maintain relationships with family/friends. Getting to know new people is horrendous too as they could get to know me during a period of ok mental health and then an episode hits and I become someone completely different and can't control my emotions. But as I said, hopefully the counselling can help me understand the reasons for that and help going forward.

June 10, 2021

9 hours ago, Shapes said:

Thanks for this! I'm definitely going to start getting out and about more in the fresh air. Reading works for me too so I'm just trying to concentrate on things that distract me from my thoughts at the moment until my medication balance etc is right.

I'm nervous about the counselling assessment tomorrow but I know that I've needed this for a long time and if it can help me get to the root cause and make me a bit better then I'm all for it because I've been rock bottom recently and I've not been kind to my mind and I've pushed people away. Here's hoping it helps. When I'm well it's like I'm a completely different person to when the illness takes hold and it makes difficult to maintain relationships with family/friends. Getting to know new people is horrendous too as they could get to know me during a period of ok mental health and then an episode hits and I become someone completely different and can't control my emotions. But as I said, hopefully the counselling can help me understand the reasons for that and help going forward.

I hope it goes well. I can definitely identify with some of the things you've mentioned above.

There are lots of great books that helped me see life from a different perspective when I was going through hard times.

I found 'The Power of Now' by Eckhart Tolle to be a very good one to help me focus on the present moment as I was always looking back on things wishing they'd been different or worrying about the future.

June 10, 2021

8 hours ago, Captain Canada said:

I hope it goes well. I can definitely identify with some of the things you've mentioned above.

There are lots of great books that helped me see life from a different perspective when I was going through hard times.

I found 'The Power of Now' by Eckhart Tolle to be a very good one to help me focus on the present moment as I was always looking back on things wishing they'd been different or worrying about the future.

Cheers, will check that out. Was looking at some books today to help with healing from traumas and forming healthy relationships with people etc so going to order a few different things I think.

The assessment went well and the mental health advisor reckons a lot of my problems have just built up and built up over the years without being properly addressed and that a lot of my self sabotaging and fear of abandonment comes from trauma. Next session is going to look at practical ways to cope with difficulties I face. It's just short term through uni but I'm looking into psychotherapy privately as it's been recommended as a long term thing, and I've never had any luck getting it through the NHS with all the waiting times etc.

So if anybody has any recommendations of any good psychotherapists in Edinburgh/West Lothian then give me a PM please.

And thanks again to everyone who has replied on here. Things are definitely looking better than they did a couple of days ago. It'll be a long process for me to get properly better but I'm hoping this is the start of it.

June 10, 2021

51 minutes ago, Shapes said:

Cheers, will check that out. Was looking at some books today to help with healing from traumas and forming healthy relationships with people etc so going to order a few different things I think.

The assessment went well and the mental health advisor reckons a lot of my problems have just built up and built up over the years without being properly addressed and that a lot of my self sabotaging and fear of abandonment comes from trauma. Next session is going to look at practical ways to cope with difficulties I face. It's just short term through uni but I'm looking into psychotherapy privately as it's been recommended as a long term thing, and I've never had any luck getting it through the NHS with all the waiting times etc.

So if anybody has any recommendations of any good psychotherapists in Edinburgh/West Lothian then give me a PM please.

And thanks again to everyone who has replied on here. Things are definitely looking better than they did a couple of days ago. It'll be a long process for me to get properly better but I'm hoping this is the start of it.

Good luck. Sounds like you are having a hellish time at the moment.

June 10, 2021

1 hour ago, Shapes said:

Cheers, will check that out. Was looking at some books today to help with healing from traumas and forming healthy relationships with people etc so going to order a few different things I think.

The assessment went well and the mental health advisor reckons a lot of my problems have just built up and built up over the years without being properly addressed and that a lot of my self sabotaging and fear of abandonment comes from trauma. Next session is going to look at practical ways to cope with difficulties I face. It's just short term through uni but I'm looking into psychotherapy privately as it's been recommended as a long term thing, and I've never had any luck getting it through the NHS with all the waiting times etc.

So if anybody has any recommendations of any good psychotherapists in Edinburgh/West Lothian then give me a PM please.

And thanks again to everyone who has replied on here. Things are definitely looking better than they did a couple of days ago. It'll be a long process for me to get properly better but I'm hoping this is the start of it.

Glad to hear it went well. I know how difficult it is to take those first steps so you've overcome a big hurdle by speaking up to get help.

Feel free to PM me anytime and all the best!

June 10, 2021

2 hours ago, Shapes said:

Cheers, will check that out. Was looking at some books today to help with healing from traumas and forming healthy relationships with people etc so going to order a few different things I think.

The assessment went well and the mental health advisor reckons a lot of my problems have just built up and built up over the years without being properly addressed and that a lot of my self sabotaging and fear of abandonment comes from trauma. Next session is going to look at practical ways to cope with difficulties I face. It's just short term through uni but I'm looking into psychotherapy privately as it's been recommended as a long term thing, and I've never had any luck getting it through the NHS with all the waiting times etc.

So if anybody has any recommendations of any good psychotherapists in Edinburgh/West Lothian then give me a PM please.

And thanks again to everyone who has replied on here. Things are definitely looking better than they did a couple of days ago. It'll be a long process for me to get properly better but I'm hoping this is the start of it.

Hey C, I've just caught up with this thread and while it was hard reading what you've been going through it's starting to look a bit more positive now. Covid can't be helping but hopefully we'll get back to the games soon and we can have a catch up.

Take care G x

June 10, 2021

11 minutes ago, Awbdy Oot said:

Hey C, I've just caught up with this thread and while it was hard reading what you've been going through it's starting to look a bit more positive now. Covid can't be helping but hopefully we'll get back to the games soon and we can have a catch up.

Take care G x

Hey G, thanks for replying. Things are starting to look a bit better so hopefully it keeps improving. Would be great to catch up once the football is back, could get the old crew back together Hope you're keeping well x

June 10, 2021

On 07/03/2021 at 00:17, LeftBack said:

The message I strongly want to get across... And forgive the sexism if it is that.. Is we males are terrible about talking about how we feel and that has to change. Me.. I hid (e) behind alcohol. I come on a football forum to talk about my club because I don't have anyone else to (despite having family and friends) when I had my first breakdown I actually posted on here before being taken to hospital. I'm a relatively normal guy, decent job... But my brain one day said f this...you can't cope. I take pills and had horrendous side effects. But the best thing I have done was to talk. First to a therapist (60 an hour) and then to a few mates. Family, dog, hearts. Most important things in my life. But the most important thing is me. That's why they say put the oxygen mask on you first to help others. Sort ourselves out and we can go on. Anyway. Ranting of a fool. But a jambo fool who tries his best

This is a great post. I'm the same, I have a laugh on here. Forgive me for that sometimes people might think I'm not funny but I am not as I have been labelled a troll. I am going to speak to someone as well, initial thoughts are they are warm and friendly, I need to get some routine back in my life

June 10, 2021

42 minutes ago, Shapes said:

Hey G, thanks for replying. Things are starting to look a bit better so hopefully it keeps improving. Would be great to catch up once the football is back, could get the old crew back together Hope you're keeping well x

That sounds like a great plan and something we could all do with. 👍

July 5, 2021

This thread is terrific. Helps me to see the good in people

July 5, 2021

I said it on this thread before I suffer from extreme pain due to Rheumatoid Disease and Crohns

I've had many joint replacement surgeries but I feel so lucky in lots of ways that's I have those illnesses and not that god forsaken hell of an illness in depression I've experienced it in my family and its awful

My heart goes out to anyone suffering from it and its heartwarming reading the support people give each other in this thread

Hopefully one day there will be a medicine to combat it properly

August 10, 2021

Apologies can’t get a link to work but if someone could find it “Luke’s Law “ it’s a Leicester city fan on their message board it’s Luke’s wife or should say his widow……

August 10, 2021

2 hours ago, Angel eyes said:

Apologies can’t get a link to work but if someone could find it “Luke’s Law “ it’s a Leicester city fan on their message board it’s Luke’s wife or should say his widow……

https://petition.parliament.uk/petitions/587806

December 22, 2021

On 08/06/2021 at 19:06, Shapes said:

Hi everyone. Thought long and hard about posting here this evening but decided to take a brave pill.

I am not going through a good time at the moment and everything has come to a head in the last day or two, leaving me not really knowing where to turn, and my parents are really worried about me, which in turn makes me feel worse because I worry about them. I have recently split with my fiance who I lived with in Glasgow, and I have moved back to just outside Edinburgh with my mum and dad. The breakup was my decision but it doesn't make things any easier. Since I got home I have shut myself off from most of my friends and my family. I lie in my bed most days and don't really do anything. I barely eat and have lost a stone since I moved home. I have no interest in doing anything and if I do socialise, it takes me days to recover. I have suicidal thoughts and I self harm and I was referred to acute psychiatry a few weeks ago. My medication was changed to fluoxetine which didn't agree with me but I've since then changed to venlafaxine. It's too soon to say whether it's doing anything. I'm in my final year of a really important degree and my parents and I had to have the difficult discussion today about how I am in danger of failing this after all the hard work I've put in for the last three years.

Anyway, I have suffered a variety of mental health problems since I was a teenager (anxiety, depression, PTSD, EDs) and have had anti-depressants on and off since around 2015. I have been referred to counselling twice, once for an eating disorder and once for trauma related counselling. The first time I hated it and ended up discharging myself, and the second time, by the time my time on the waiting list came round, I didn't require the counselling any more and was discharged within three weeks. I feel like there is something more going on with my mental health but it is so hard to get a proper diagnosis and things are incredibly complex. I have researched thoroughly into borderline personality disorder and I feel like I show all the classic signs of it, but I don't know how to get a diagnosis and treatment. Any emotions I feel are completely intense and I struggle to deal with them. I can get so angry for little reason and when I'm anxious or depressed, it feels so extreme. I then flip to manic and impulsive and that's when I tend to do things like drink a lot. I flip between avoidant and anxious attachment styles and it has severe implications for any friendships/relationships that I develop. I tend to display an avoidant attachment style with my family and my close friends and I shut people off and get angry if they try and help me. I find it easier to talk to people who I don't know as well but most of the time that leads to a vicious cycle of getting to know someone, getting on well, opening up and then me becoming 'too much' for them. My fear of abandonment and my anxious attachment means I will be too intense and my behaviour can be impulsive and irrational which pushes people away. I then start to feel paranoia and have extremely intrusive thoughts. I open up to people and tell them everything and have them say they won't judge any mental health issues I have and then when my behaviour becomes out of control they tell people I'm '******* mental' which is a kick in the stomach when you trust someone with personal stuff and they then use ablest language like that. I also have a tendency to find a 'favourite person' and rely on them which obviously becomes too much. So that then leads to me withdrawing, not telling anyone anything and shutting myself away, and this cycle continues if I'm having a bad episode. It's also really hard to apologise or explain behaviours when going through this because it's not a well known condition, so if it is something that I have, I don't even know what sort of effect it will have on me in the future. And on the flip side, if I'm in a stable relationship with someone who treats me well, all I can think about is self sabotaging it and leaving. And I can't last more than a couple of years. And the thing is, I can go through periods of time where I am completely fine, but when it's bad, it's really ******* bad and I feel so bad for anybody I hurt along the way, but I never get a chance to apologise properly because of the situations. It's hell on earth tbh and I'm actually not sure if I can continue to live my life this way.

Anyway, this has been a beast of a post and I'm not sure what I wanted to get out of it. I suppose it is a bit of a 'cry for help' and just wanting somebody to reassure me that things will get better. I took a huge step today contacting uni so I have deferred my last assessment, and they are helping me and I'm also going to be starting counselling through them. I have my review over the phone with the GP tomorrow. Not sure what I want to get from it, but I just desperately want things to get better.

Haven't checked this thread for a while, but after reading this post Shapes, I wish I had. Decided to pop on here and maybe even share my current experience but wasn't sure if I had the minerals to do it, but this post resonated with me a lot. Mainly because at the time you posted it, I was going through my own breakup which has affected me. Like you, it was mainly influenced by me, but you're totally right, it's not easier just because it was self-motivated. Looking back, I didn't even know if that's what I wanted. This was just as life was coming back to normality after the 2nd lockdown which had an affect on my mental health and really had me evaluating where my life was at, and where it was going. At that point, I'd been with my ex for almost 6 years, and looking back our relationship was fine and I sort of miss it, but then again I think we were secretly wanting different things in life. It started to get messy though when I couldn't hide my true feelings, but couldn't open up either which resulted in her punishing me which put the relationship beyond repair.

The month or so after was strange. I enjoyed a sense of freedom for a couple of weeks before it finally hit me what had happened, and as much as I love my own company at times, being in an empty flat surrounded by memories of what I'd lost started to really impact me. Then I met someone else in the middle of July, and this is where things got even more complicated. I started to date that person for 2 months or so, which isn't a great deal of time, but I really fell hard for this girl. We'd both got out of similar relationships where we were both the victim of toxic behaviours in the end which I think we thought could be for the best, but unfortunately, it seemed we both just had too much going on in our heads that it stopped. The feelings clearly haven't from both of us as we still keep in touch, but the added complication is she's now seeing someone else. I can tell she still loves me though and I can't tell if she's protecting her feelings or mine, and I'm yet to get over her too, despite the fact we stopped dating 3 months ago, which is a longer period than we actually dated for.

At the end of October I gave my flat up as I couldn't afford it alone, and I'm now back living with my Mum. The first 2-3 weeks here were bliss. I was sleeping at night again, I was eating again. Things you can take for granted sometimes as in the 4 months I spent alone, I would go several days without getting much of a sleep, or even eating which resulted in me losing quite a bit of weight. In fairness, that wasn't a bad thing as I wasn't in the best shape and physically I'm the best I've been in years, albeit I didn't achieve it in the best way.

Despite that though, I feel like in the build up to the Christmas period I'm just going back to square one again, or even further back. This past few months I've started to feel serious anxiety which hasn't been an issue for me ever. I've experienced sporadic low moods all through my adult life, but this is the worst I've had. I find myself welling up and fighting back tears at absolutely nothing most days. I feel saddled with a whole mix of emotions from anxiety, to guilt to anger. The only time I really feel I belong is being out in the pub or the football with mates but in excess it's not the best lifestyle as we all know.

I've never experienced self-harm thankfully, and wouldn't say I've strongly contemplated suicide, but dark thoughts creep into my mind, even more so recently. I've penned imaginary suicide notes in my head, or imagined just going missing, but as I have a young daughter I couldn't do it. I do sometimes just feel like that is truly the only option to stop all this pain, and I'm seriously just tired of it all. Sick to death of walking under this dark cloud and being riddled with these emotions.

I've met so many great people since lockdown, and lots of new friends including great existing ones. I've got family physically around me. Yet despite all that, I've never felt so helpless and alone in my entire life.

December 22, 2021

2 hours ago, Locky said:

Haven't checked this thread for a while, but after reading this post Shapes, I wish I had. Decided to pop on here and maybe even share my current experience but wasn't sure if I had the minerals to do it, but this post resonated with me a lot. Mainly because at the time you posted it, I was going through my own breakup which has affected me. Like you, it was mainly influenced by me, but you're totally right, it's not easier just because it was self-motivated. Looking back, I didn't even know if that's what I wanted. This was just as life was coming back to normality after the 2nd lockdown which had an affect on my mental health and really had me evaluating where my life was at, and where it was going. At that point, I'd been with my ex for almost 6 years, and looking back our relationship was fine and I sort of miss it, but then again I think we were secretly wanting different things in life. It started to get messy though when I couldn't hide my true feelings, but couldn't open up either which resulted in her punishing me which put the relationship beyond repair.

The month or so after was strange. I enjoyed a sense of freedom for a couple of weeks before it finally hit me what had happened, and as much as I love my own company at times, being in an empty flat surrounded by memories of what I'd lost started to really impact me. Then I met someone else in the middle of July, and this is where things got even more complicated. I started to date that person for 2 months or so, which isn't a great deal of time, but I really fell hard for this girl. We'd both got out of similar relationships where we were both the victim of toxic behaviours in the end which I think we thought could be for the best, but unfortunately, it seemed we both just had too much going on in our heads that it stopped. The feelings clearly haven't from both of us as we still keep in touch, but the added complication is she's now seeing someone else. I can tell she still loves me though and I can't tell if she's protecting her feelings or mine, and I'm yet to get over her too, despite the fact we stopped dating 3 months ago, which is a longer period than we actually dated for.

At the end of October I gave my flat up as I couldn't afford it alone, and I'm now back living with my Mum. The first 2-3 weeks here were bliss. I was sleeping at night again, I was eating again. Things you can take for granted sometimes as in the 4 months I spent alone, I would go several days without getting much of a sleep, or even eating which resulted in me losing quite a bit of weight. In fairness, that wasn't a bad thing as I wasn't in the best shape and physically I'm the best I've been in years, albeit I didn't achieve it in the best way.

Despite that though, I feel like in the build up to the Christmas period I'm just going back to square one again, or even further back. This past few months I've started to feel serious anxiety which hasn't been an issue for me ever. I've experienced sporadic low moods all through my adult life, but this is the worst I've had. I find myself welling up and fighting back tears at absolutely nothing most days. I feel saddled with a whole mix of emotions from anxiety, to guilt to anger. The only time I really feel I belong is being out in the pub or the football with mates but in excess it's not the best lifestyle as we all know.

I've never experienced self-harm thankfully, and wouldn't say I've strongly contemplated suicide, but dark thoughts creep into my mind, even more so recently. I've penned imaginary suicide notes in my head, or imagined just going missing, but as I have a young daughter I couldn't do it. I do sometimes just feel like that is truly the only option to stop all this pain, and I'm seriously just tired of it all. Sick to death of walking under this dark cloud and being riddled with these emotions.

I've met so many great people since lockdown, and lots of new friends including great existing ones. I've got family physically around me. Yet despite all that, I've never felt so helpless and alone in my entire life.

❤️ You know where i am pal , i mean not at 4am when you are fighting with a kebab and a lamppost or belting out Cammy Devlin Last Christmas at the top of your lungs but….

Na seriously if ya need me ring me , the rest of the lads will be the same even the Croat

December 22, 2021

58 minutes ago, sadj said:

❤️ You know where i am pal , i mean not at 4am when you are fighting with a kebab and a lamppost or belting out Cammy Devlin Last Christmas at the top of your lungs but….

Na seriously if ya need me ring me , the rest of the lads will be the same even the Croat

If you can't have me at my best, you don't deserve me at my worst. :lol:

Nah I know you're there mate. One of the very people my last paragraph was aimed it. It's never forgotten. :love:

February 11, 2022

I’m probably going to bore some with this post but please bear with me…I was going to look for another thread about Cancer but that’s not what I am worried about, it’s depression so this is relevant.

Some folk on here know who I am personally (real life / off JKB) and this will be the first they hear of this.

I have contributed to this thread years ago when I went through serious depression, including attempting to top myself because it was that bad or I thought so at the time.

That was a long time ago and I beat it, I love helping others through the dark days but I fear my will return.

I met a girl, online dating does work! We met about five yrs ago and chatted for ages before finally meeting and from there it was ‘love’, it got stronger and this girl just got me.

We started dating and within a year I moved from Edinburgh to Fife to live with her and her four kids (7,8,14&16). We get on great…apart from the teens being teens - just like I was at that age…a wee t!t (so I know what to pull them up for)?!

Well shit turned bad last Jan (2021), at the age of 43 my other half suffered a stroke, she recovered and we got through that but due to the medication she was on and problems that arose it was then discovered she had Cancer, she fought through last year and went through chemo and radiation therapy which I can only describe as pure hell….all the while I continued to work full time and run the house, look after her and the kids….we all beat it in Oct 2021 when told it was gone.

So we thought, in early Jan 2022 we found out it was back, so now she was to go for a major operation, which would include plastic surgery and a colostomy bag for the rest of her life….we all accepted that and we’re dealing with this new blow to life…until shit got worse last Friday.

Not missing a hole in the heart has been detected and required a major op too

We were informed the operation was cancelled because it has now spread to her liver and possibly one lung, also informed it is incurable and given the timescale of 20-24 months.

I can only use the word devastating as it’s all I can think of, this poor woman will not get to see her kids grow up, they lose their mum and of course there is me too, but I’m bottom of that list and I accept that.

What is scary for me is I know I will lose her, the kids, who will go to their dads (top bloke to be fair) and probably lose my home as it’s a Council house in her name.

I have to now do the ‘be strong’ for her, the kids etc knowing the final outcome, become a carer and basically watch her slowly die.

I have already started thinking I will not go on once this happens, I can’t and won’t be able too.

Posting this on here is NOT a cry for sympathy as I know the crack, am not an idiot and this is a ‘empty’ place to put out my feelings, I have struggled to talk and tonight I have managed to put out my fears…I don’t want to go back to that dark place, I know it’s coming but I don’t know if I can cope…but I will try, I will do all I can but the fear is real I won’t cope and decide enough is enough?

Sorry for the long post, I haven’t been able to talk to anyone, mates or family so felt I could put it here as it’s an open place to let out and no-one knows me (some do)

Edited February 12, 2022 by The Future's Maroon

February 12, 2022

2 minutes ago, The Future's Maroon said:

I’m probably going to bore some with this post but please bear with me…I was going to look for another thread about Cancer but that’s not what I am worried about, it’s depression so this is relevant.

Some folk on here know who I am personally (real life / off JKB) and this will be the first they hear of this.

I have contributed to this thread years ago when I went through serious depression, including attempting to top myself because it was that bad or I thought so at the time.

That was a long time ago and I beat it, I love helping others through the dark days but I fear my will return.

I met a girl, online dating does work! We met about five yrs ago and chatted for ages before finally meeting and from there it was ‘love’, it got stronger and this girl just got me.

We started dating and within a year I moved from Edinburgh to Fife to live with her and her four kids (7,8,14&16). We get on great…apart from the teens being teens just like I was at that age…a wee t!t (so I know what to pull them up for?!

Well shit turned bad last Jan (2021), at the age of 43 my other half suffered a stroke, she recovered and we got through that but due to the medication she was on and problems that arose it was then discovered she had Cancer, she fought through last year and went through chemo and radiation therapy which I can only describe as hell….all the while I continued to work full time and run the house, look after her and the kids….we all beat it in Oct 2021 when told it was gone.

So we thought, in early Jan 2022 we found out it was back, so now she was to go for a major operation, which would include plastic surgery and a colostomy bag for the rest of her life….we all accepted that and we’re dealing with this new blow to life…until shit got worse last Friday.

We we’re informed the operation was cancelled because it has now spread to her liver and possibly one lung, also informed it is incurable and given the timescale of 20-24 months.

I can only use the word devastating as it’s all I can think of, this poor woman will not get to see her kids grow up, they lose their mum and of course there is me too but I’m bottom of that list and I accept that.

Whats scary for me is I know I will lose her, the kids, who will go to their dads (top bloke to be fair) and probably lose my home as it’s a Council house in her name.

I have to now do the ‘be strong’ for her, the kids etc knowing the final outcome, become a career and basically watch her die.

I have already started thinking I will not go on once this happens, I can’t and won’t be able too.

Posting this on here is NOT a cry for sympathy as I know the crack, am not an idiot and this is a ‘empty’ place to put out my feelings, I have struggled to talk and tonight I have managed to put out my fears…I don’t want to go back to that dark place, I know it’s coming but I don’t know if I can cope…but I will try, I will do all I can but the fear is real I won’t cope and decide enough is enough?

Sorry for the long post, I haven’t been able to talk to anyone, mates or family so felt I could put it here as it’s an open place to let out and no-one knows me (some do)

Very sorry to hear this awful news . It’s heart breaking when given the clear with cancer and then it returns . Really tragic . I note that you said that when your partner passes on you will

lose the council house ? I would strongly advice you to ask her to get your name on the tenancy agreement as soon as you can . I would assume the council would look favourably on this ? However I assume that the tenancy has a number of bedrooms ( due to her kids ) but I’m sure if the let u keep it after after she passes they will let you move to a smaller tenancy to suit your needs . I know it’s probably one of you’re less pressing worries but at least it’ll take some of the worries off your shoulders at this difficult time . Good luck

February 12, 2022

9 minutes ago, The Future's Maroon said:

I’m probably going to bore some with this post but please bear with me…I was going to look for another thread about Cancer but that’s not what I am worried about, it’s depression so this is relevant.

Some folk on here know who I am personally (real life / off JKB) and this will be the first they hear of this.

I have contributed to this thread years ago when I went through serious depression, including attempting to top myself because it was that bad or I thought so at the time.

That was a long time ago and I beat it, I love helping others through the dark days but I fear my will return.

I met a girl, online dating does work! We met about five yrs ago and chatted for ages before finally meeting and from there it was ‘love’, it got stronger and this girl just got me.

We started dating and within a year I moved from Edinburgh to Fife to live with her and her four kids (7,8,14&16). We get on great…apart from the teens being teens just like I was at that age…a wee t!t (so I know what to pull them up for?!

Well shit turned bad last Jan (2021), at the age of 43 my other half suffered a stroke, she recovered and we got through that but due to the medication she was on and problems that arose it was then discovered she had Cancer, she fought through last year and went through chemo and radiation therapy which I can only describe as hell….all the while I continued to work full time and run the house, look after her and the kids….we all beat it in Oct 2021 when told it was gone.

So we thought, in early Jan 2022 we found out it was back, so now she was to go for a major operation, which would include plastic surgery and a colostomy bag for the rest of her life….we all accepted that and we’re dealing with this new blow to life…until shit got worse last Friday.

We we’re informed the operation was cancelled because it has now spread to her liver and possibly one lung, also informed it is incurable and given the timescale of 20-24 months.

I can only use the word devastating as it’s all I can think of, this poor woman will not get to see her kids grow up, they lose their mum and of course there is me too but I’m bottom of that list and I accept that.

Whats scary for me is I know I will lose her, the kids, who will go to their dads (top bloke to be fair) and probably lose my home as it’s a Council house in her name.

I have to now do the ‘be strong’ for her, the kids etc knowing the final outcome, become a career and basically watch her die.

I have already started thinking I will not go on once this happens, I can’t and won’t be able too.

Posting this on here is NOT a cry for sympathy as I know the crack, am not an idiot and this is a ‘empty’ place to put out my feelings, I have struggled to talk and tonight I have managed to put out my fears…I don’t want to go back to that dark place, I know it’s coming but I don’t know if I can cope…but I will try, I will do all I can but the fear is real I won’t cope and decide enough is enough?

Sorry for the long post, I haven’t been able to talk to anyone, mates or family so felt I could put it here as it’s an open place to let out and no-one knows me (some do)

And another thing take each day as it comes . I know that’s a cliche but it’s so true . Live for each day and appreciate the present .

February 12, 2022

3 minutes ago, JamesM48 said:

Very sorry to hear this awful news . It’s heart breaking when given the clear with cancer and then it returns . Really tragic . I note that you said that when your partner passes on you will

lose the council house ? I would strongly advice you to ask her to get your name on the tenancy agreement as soon as you can . I would assume the council would look favourably on this ? However I assume that the tenancy has a number of bedrooms ( due to her kids ) but I’m sure if the let u keep it after after she passes they will let you move to a smaller tenancy to suit your needs . I know it’s probably one of you’re less pressing worries but at least it’ll take some of the worries off your shoulders at this difficult time . Good luck

2 minutes ago, JamesM48 said:

And another thing take each day as it comes . I know that’s a cliche but it’s so true . Live for each day and appreciate the present .

Thanks bud, we have not even had time to think about that side of it but i guess your right - I will be able to find out as I work for Edin Council myself so can ask.

February 12, 2022

3 minutes ago, The Future's Maroon said:

Thanks bud, we have not even had time to think about that side of it but i guess your right - I will be able to find out as I work for Edin Council myself so can ask.

It’s one less worry for you really as you had mentioned it in your posting .

February 12, 2022

Get an appointment set up as soon as possible with a Maggie's centre.please speak to them,I went to the one in Falkirk all I can say is they were fantastic, understanding,and helped me sort out financial niggles dealing with different government agencies etc,I understand the difficult time you are going through,a lot of their workers have been through similar hard times,all the best ps.when I had the cancer I managed to get my daughter put onto the council rent book

Edited February 12, 2022 by Jambo_jim2001
Added information

February 12, 2022

43 minutes ago, The Future's Maroon said:

I’m probably going to bore some with this post but please bear with me…I was going to look for another thread about Cancer but that’s not what I am worried about, it’s depression so this is relevant.

Some folk on here know who I am personally (real life / off JKB) and this will be the first they hear of this.

I have contributed to this thread years ago when I went through serious depression, including attempting to top myself because it was that bad or I thought so at the time.

That was a long time ago and I beat it, I love helping others through the dark days but I fear my will return.

I met a girl, online dating does work! We met about five yrs ago and chatted for ages before finally meeting and from there it was ‘love’, it got stronger and this girl just got me.

We started dating and within a year I moved from Edinburgh to Fife to live with her and her four kids (7,8,14&16). We get on great…apart from the teens being teens - just like I was at that age…a wee t!t (so I know what to pull them up for)?!

Well shit turned bad last Jan (2021), at the age of 43 my other half suffered a stroke, she recovered and we got through that but due to the medication she was on and problems that arose it was then discovered she had Cancer, she fought through last year and went through chemo and radiation therapy which I can only describe as pure hell….all the while I continued to work full time and run the house, look after her and the kids….we all beat it in Oct 2021 when told it was gone.

So we thought, in early Jan 2022 we found out it was back, so now she was to go for a major operation, which would include plastic surgery and a colostomy bag for the rest of her life….we all accepted that and we’re dealing with this new blow to life…until shit got worse last Friday.

Not missing a hole in the heart has been detected and required a major op too

We were informed the operation was cancelled because it has now spread to her liver and possibly one lung, also informed it is incurable and given the timescale of 20-24 months.

I can only use the word devastating as it’s all I can think of, this poor woman will not get to see her kids grow up, they lose their mum and of course there is me too, but I’m bottom of that list and I accept that.

What is scary for me is I know I will lose her, the kids, who will go to their dads (top bloke to be fair) and probably lose my home as it’s a Council house in her name.

I have to now do the ‘be strong’ for her, the kids etc knowing the final outcome, become a carer and basically watch her slowly die.

I have already started thinking I will not go on once this happens, I can’t and won’t be able too.

Posting this on here is NOT a cry for sympathy as I know the crack, am not an idiot and this is a ‘empty’ place to put out my feelings, I have struggled to talk and tonight I have managed to put out my fears…I don’t want to go back to that dark place, I know it’s coming but I don’t know if I can cope…but I will try, I will do all I can but the fear is real I won’t cope and decide enough is enough?

Sorry for the long post, I haven’t been able to talk to anyone, mates or family so felt I could put it here as it’s an open place to let out and no-one knows me (some do)

I have suffered numerous family deaths, but without a doubt my wifes was the most trying. It started with a couple of what seemed unusual but simple falls. She had a third one and again went to emergency was checked and released. At 2.30am we got a call that a doctor had reexamined all her x rays and she had suffered strokes. Detained in hospital for three weeks, when finally she pressed for an answer the surgeon told her the options, and the surgery had a 50% chance of survival, followed by heavy radiation. She was further advised that she had a cancerous brain tumour, and two months and probably less to live. It was traumatic for both, but we both agreed to miss the surgery and take the two months, she actually lasted three weeks.

I repeat the telling of my tale to assure you that you are not different nor are you weak. It is hell, it is cruel, , you will sink to the lowest you have ever felt, but believe me, it is recoverable. I am now into about eighteen months without my wife of sixty years, things get better every day, I talk to her I don't care if I am daft, I am sure you have people to talk to I only had my son but I had this very forum and the fantastic members who gave me support. Take it from me that black hole you see does disappear, its not easy but it is doable, the old saying time heals, is absolutely true, so if you don't mind me offering advice, accept your grief without shame, but restore your faith and strength for the woman you loved and lost, because just as I with my wife that is what she would have wanted from me and I know she is happy for me that I have.

February 12, 2022

3 hours ago, Sharpie said:

I have suffered numerous family deaths, but without a doubt my wifes was the most trying. It started with a couple of what seemed unusual but simple falls. She had a third one and again went to emergency was checked and released. At 2.30am we got a call that a doctor had reexamined all her x rays and she had suffered strokes. Detained in hospital for three weeks, when finally she pressed for an answer the surgeon told her the options, and the surgery had a 50% chance of survival, followed by heavy radiation. She was further advised that she had a cancerous brain tumour, and two months and probably less to live. It was traumatic for both, but we both agreed to miss the surgery and take the two months, she actually lasted three weeks.

I repeat the telling of my tale to assure you that you are not different nor are you weak. It is hell, it is cruel, , you will sink to the lowest you have ever felt, but believe me, it is recoverable. I am now into about eighteen months without my wife of sixty years, things get better every day, I talk to her I don't care if I am daft, I am sure you have people to talk to I only had my son but I had this very forum and the fantastic members who gave me support. Take it from me that black hole you see does disappear, its not easy but it is doable, the old saying time heals, is absolutely true, so if you don't mind me offering advice, accept your grief without shame, but restore your faith and strength for the woman you loved and lost, because just as I with my wife that is what she would have wanted from me and I know she is happy for me that I have.

Such a beautiful post Sharpie, you are a true gentleman. Also the advice in this post is spot on

for @The Future's Maroon, I can only imagine what you are going through right now but as Sharpie said keep talking, things will get harder and harder from here but there’s always someone to share your grief with and sometimes in the most unexpected of places, stay strong for you and the family, and if any time you need someone anonymous to talk to then me and plenty others here will be happy to help with that.

all the best TFM 🇱🇻❤️🇱🇻

February 12, 2022

6 hours ago, jamtartan74 said:

Such a beautiful post Sharpie, you are a true gentleman. Also the advice in this post is spot on

for @The Future's Maroon, I can only imagine what you are going through right now but as Sharpie said keep talking, things will get harder and harder from here but there’s always someone to share your grief with and sometimes in the most unexpected of places, stay strong for you and the family, and if any time you need someone anonymous to talk to then me and plenty others here will be happy to help with that.

all the best TFM 🇱🇻❤️🇱🇻

I concur about time being a great healer . it really is. Grief takes as long as it does. There's no time limit on it .

Edited February 12, 2022 by JamesM48

February 12, 2022

11 hours ago, The Future's Maroon said:

I’m probably going to bore some with this post but please bear with me…I was going to look for another thread about Cancer but that’s not what I am worried about, it’s depression so this is relevant.

Some folk on here know who I am personally (real life / off JKB) and this will be the first they hear of this.

I have contributed to this thread years ago when I went through serious depression, including attempting to top myself because it was that bad or I thought so at the time.

That was a long time ago and I beat it, I love helping others through the dark days but I fear my will return.

I met a girl, online dating does work! We met about five yrs ago and chatted for ages before finally meeting and from there it was ‘love’, it got stronger and this girl just got me.

We started dating and within a year I moved from Edinburgh to Fife to live with her and her four kids (7,8,14&16). We get on great…apart from the teens being teens - just like I was at that age…a wee t!t (so I know what to pull them up for)?!

Well shit turned bad last Jan (2021), at the age of 43 my other half suffered a stroke, she recovered and we got through that but due to the medication she was on and problems that arose it was then discovered she had Cancer, she fought through last year and went through chemo and radiation therapy which I can only describe as pure hell….all the while I continued to work full time and run the house, look after her and the kids….we all beat it in Oct 2021 when told it was gone.

So we thought, in early Jan 2022 we found out it was back, so now she was to go for a major operation, which would include plastic surgery and a colostomy bag for the rest of her life….we all accepted that and we’re dealing with this new blow to life…until shit got worse last Friday.

Not missing a hole in the heart has been detected and required a major op too

We were informed the operation was cancelled because it has now spread to her liver and possibly one lung, also informed it is incurable and given the timescale of 20-24 months.

I can only use the word devastating as it’s all I can think of, this poor woman will not get to see her kids grow up, they lose their mum and of course there is me too, but I’m bottom of that list and I accept that.

What is scary for me is I know I will lose her, the kids, who will go to their dads (top bloke to be fair) and probably lose my home as it’s a Council house in her name.

I have to now do the ‘be strong’ for her, the kids etc knowing the final outcome, become a carer and basically watch her slowly die.

I have already started thinking I will not go on once this happens, I can’t and won’t be able too.

Posting this on here is NOT a cry for sympathy as I know the crack, am not an idiot and this is a ‘empty’ place to put out my feelings, I have struggled to talk and tonight I have managed to put out my fears…I don’t want to go back to that dark place, I know it’s coming but I don’t know if I can cope…but I will try, I will do all I can but the fear is real I won’t cope and decide enough is enough?

Sorry for the long post, I haven’t been able to talk to anyone, mates or family so felt I could put it here as it’s an open place to let out and no-one knows me (some do)

I honestly have no words for that. Take care pal.

February 12, 2022

Thanks all, even just getting it out on here has helped a little…even a little is better than nothing.

February 12, 2022

13 minutes ago, The Future's Maroon said:

Thanks all, even just getting it out on here has helped a little…even a little is better than nothing.

You don't come across as someone those 4 kids will want to lose from their life pal. Take care.

February 12, 2022

33 minutes ago, The Future's Maroon said:

Thanks all, even just getting it out on here has helped a little…even a little is better than nothing.

So sorry to read your post.

Take care, man.

depression

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