Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)

[Maple Leaf]

A man's elderly father had been widowed for many years.  The son decided to give him a very special present for his 80th birthday, so he arranged for a call-girl to visit the father at his home.

 

When the old man answered the door bell, he gaped at the beautiful woman smiling at him.  She was absolutely stunning, and wearing a very revealing outfit.  

 

"Who are you?", stammered the old man.

 

"I'm your birthday present", she smiled sweetly.  "I'm here to give you super sex."

 

"Thanks," replied the old fella.  "I'll just take the soup."

[Jambothump]

On 02/12/2017 at 12:33, superjack said:

Dad says to his wee boy.. would you rather go and see the mighty glasgow rangers this weekend....or go with mum to see santa ? To which the wee boy replies ffs dad I'm 10 now, I know rangers dont exist, I will go with mum.

This has got to be the best of all the best,and not even a joke per se :-)

[I P Knightley]

On 12/4/2017 at 17:33, Tazio said:

Did you hear about the woman with no legs that won a strawberry picking contest? 

 

Jammy *****. 

 

(See you next Tuesday is the starred out word) 

Why do women have legs?

 

 

Have you seen the mess a snail leaves behind?

[Morgan]

8 hours ago, I P Knightley said:

Why do women have legs?

 

 

Have you seen the mess a snail leaves behind?

[Bauld]

A little boy wrote to Santa Claus, "Please send me a sister." 

 

Santa Claus wrote back to him, "Ok, Send me your mother."

[dougal]

Without a doubt my favourite Robin Williams film is Mrs Fire.

[samgolden]

A horse and a donkey meet in a bar one night, they get chatting and hit it off. The horse invites the donkey back to his place, they go back and all around the walls are pictures of the horse winning the Derby, the Guineas, the Oaks etc etc. So anyway they have a great time and the horse suggests going to the donkeys house the next weekend. The Donkey is all up for it but he starts panicking thinking how he’s gonna impress this champion horse, he gets a brain wave and goes to the zoo and takes a pic of a zebra. So the weekend comes and the horse comes round to the donkeys, he walks in and there’s this massive picture of a zebra on the wall, ****ing huge, taking up a whole wall, “What’s that” say the horse “Ah it’s nothing” says the donkey “No tell me, I wanna know” says the horse. “Ach that’s just from when I used to play for Juventus”

[Watt-Zeefuik]

Sorry, this one's rather good.

 

Hearts ragdolled Celtic 4-0 at Tynecastle, ending their 69 (!) game win streak as a 16-year old Riccarton prospect kept Scott Brown in his pocket all day long.

 

Okay, I know it's not really a joke, but I've been laughing about it all day long, thought I'd share.  

[Maple Leaf]

10 hours ago, Ugly American said:

Sorry, this one's rather good.

 

Hearts ragdolled Celtic 4-0 at Tynecastle, ending their 69 (!) game win streak as a 16-year old Riccarton prospect kept Scott Brown in his pocket all day long.

 

Okay, I know it's not really a joke, but I've been laughing about it all day long, thought I'd share.  

It's not a joke, but it IS funny.  

[sairyinthat]

Retired and quickly got bored so another couple of auld jokers said the had the same happen so got a meet and greet at the supermarket.I thought I will try that so got fixed up at local shopping centre,and didn't last the day.

was at the entrance giving the Good morning Welcome and have a nice days

When this not overly attractive woman and her two kids came in,her shouting and slapping at her fractious kids.Good morning Madam nice children are they twins?Are you stupid yah dopey auld sod ones 9 and ones 4 what in hell makes you think they're twins.It's just that I cant believe somebody ****ed an ugly mess like you twice. Centre manager said I wasn't cut out for this work,

[King Of The Cat Cafe]

A wealthy Texan walks into a small pub in Ireland. He slaps down $500 on the bar and announces, “I got 500 American dollars here for any of you fellers who can drink ten pints of Guinness in a row”.

Nobody says anything. Everybody looks away, or looks at the floor. One guy leaves.

 

The Texan orders a drink and starts chatting with the locals. About 5 or 10 minutes later the guy who left earlier returns. Small, skinny guy. He shyly taps on the Texan’s shoulder and asks him, “Pardon me, sir…but does your offer still stand?”

 

The Texan stands up and slaps him on the shoulder. “It sure does…set ’em up, Joe!” The bartender expertly pours and sets up ten pints in a row of foaming Guinness. The little guy walks down the line and knocks back every one of them pretty briskly, barely slowing down through the ninth and tenth. He stands there smiling and burps once.

 

“Well, here’s your money, Seamus!” says the Texan. “But I gotta ask you, where’d you disappear to there for a while?”

“Well, I had to nip over to the other pub…to make sure I could do it.”

[samgolden]

21 hours ago, King Of The Cat Cafe said:

A wealthy Texan walks into a small pub in Ireland. He slaps down $500 on the bar and announces, “I got 500 American dollars here for any of you fellers who can drink ten pints of Guinness in a row”.

Nobody says anything. Everybody looks away, or looks at the floor. One guy leaves.

 

The Texan orders a drink and starts chatting with the locals. About 5 or 10 minutes later the guy who left earlier returns. Small, skinny guy. He shyly taps on the Texan’s shoulder and asks him, “Pardon me, sir…but does your offer still stand?”

 

The Texan stands up and slaps him on the shoulder. “It sure does…set ’em up, Joe!” The bartender expertly pours and sets up ten pints in a row of foaming Guinness. The little guy walks down the line and knocks back every one of them pretty briskly, barely slowing down through the ninth and tenth. He stands there smiling and burps once.

 

“Well, here’s your money, Seamus!” says the Texan. “But I gotta ask you, where’d you disappear to there for a while?”

“Well, I had to nip over to the other pub…to make sure I could do it.”

Brill my kind of humour

[superjack]

[Jambothump]

On 02/12/2017 at 12:33, superjack said:

 

If you were to take Turkey from behind would Greece help ?

[King Of The Cat Cafe]

Two blokes talking in a pub one Christmas night:

 

"We had the in-laws for Christmas dinner.  What about you?"

"No, just turkey, like most people..."

[Maple Leaf]

The wife was moaning at her husband.  "Football, football, football.  That's all you ever talk about.  If you took me to a game sometime, instead of just talking about it, I think I'd die of shock."

 

"Now, now, dear," replied the husband.  "It's no good trying to bribe me."

[sairyinthat]

It's Christmas day and three guys die and arrive at the pearly gates

St Peter greets them and says all three of you do not qualify for entry here but as it is the birthday of Jesus

It has been decided if you have a connection with Christmas you will be allowed to enter

 

First guy pulls a Christmas bauble from his pocket and steps in

Second guy shows tinsel and pine needles stuck on his jumper and steps in

Third guy pulls a pair of panties from his pocket and pulls them on

What are those asked St Peter

They're Carols and steps in.

[sairyinthat]

Old Fella has always wanted a pair of Genuine cowboy boots

Sees a pair on sale in store window and buys them

Walks home proudly in them  stands in front of his wife and says.See any thing different? Nope she says looking him over

He storms up to the room.Strips naked and marches back in the boots,see any thing now he asks

Nope you thing is still hanging down as it has for years she days

That's because it's looking at my New Boots he shouted

Shoulda bought a hat Nate Shoulda bought a hat.

 

[Maple Leaf]

 Did you read the item in the news earlier in the week?

 

Apparently, a passenger aboard a RyanAir jet got fed up waiting for the plane to get to the gate in Malaga, Spain, so he opened the emergency exit and jumped out.  His name was Charles Raines, and he was travelling with several members of his family.  He was the only one who jumped out; all the other members of his family stayed aboard.

 

So it's true after all.

 

The Raines in Spain stayed mainly on the plane.

[Captain America]

How does the Pope pay for things on Ebay?

 

He uses his papal account.

 

 

[redjambo]

6 minutes ago, C-3PO said:

How does the Pope pay for things on Ebay?

 

He uses his papal account.

 

 

[King Of The Cat Cafe]

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. They decide 
to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they're physically okay, 
but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, 
"Where are you going?"
"To the kitchen," he replies. 
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it down, because you know you'll forget it."
He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down!" she retorts.

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Leave me alone! Ice cream 
with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he grumbles off into 
the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate 
of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says... "Where's my toast?"

[superjack]

I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. 
A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days' 
I told him 'I wish I had your ******* will power'

[Maple Leaf]

Have you ever wondered why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets?

[Maple Leaf]

Why don't blind men skydive?

 

Because it scares the daylights out of the dog.

[Watt-Zeefuik]

Stolen off of twitter:

 

me: thank you for that glass of milk earlier 

 

sperm bank employee: what glass of milk 

 

me: the glass of milk that was sitting on your desk 
 
sperm bank employee: oh my god 

 

me: what

 

sperm bank employee: you drank my glass of milk

[superjack]

"I think I have a problem, Doc," says a patient. "One of my balls has 
 turned blue." 
 The doctor examines the man briefly and concludes that the patient 
 will die if he doesn't have his testicle removed. 
 "Are you crazy?!" bursts the patient. "How could I let you do such a 
 thing to me!" 
 "You want to die?" asks the doctor rhetorically, at which point the 
 patient has to agree to have his testicle removed. 
 Two weeks after the operation, the patient comes back. "Doc, I don't 
 know how to say this, but the other ball has turned blue, too." 
 Again, the doctor tells him that if he wants to live, his other 
 testicle must be cut off, too. Again, the man is very reluctant to the 
 idea. 
 "Hey, you want to die?" asks the doctor, and the patient has to agree 
 with the operation. After two weeks of being testicle-less, the 
 patient returns to the doctor and says, "I think something is very 
 wrong with me. My penis is now completely blue." 
 After briefly examining the patient, the doctor gives him the bad 
 news: If he wants to live, his penis has to go. Of course, the patient 
 does not want to hear about it. 
 "You want to die?" asks the doctor. 
 "But...how do I pee?" 
 "We'll install a plastic pipe, and there will be no problem." So the 
 patient has his penis removed, and, a while after the operation, the 
 unfortunate man enters the doctor's office again. He is very angry. 
 "Doctor, the plastic pipe turned blue!" 
 "What?" 
 "Can you tell me what the hell is happening??" 
 The doctor examines the patient more carefully and says, "Hmmm, I 
 don't know. Could it be the jeans?"

[superjack]

When the same man came into the branch of Oxfam I work in for the fifth week running, my curiosity got the better of me and I went onto the shop floor to speak to him.

"Excuse me sir", I said, "I couldn't help but notice that you appear to be a tramp, yet every Friday and Saturday you come to this shop and spend £5 on a pair of smart black shoes. I have to confess that it's got me completely baffled and I just wanted to ask you why?"

"Well there's a perfectly simple explanation", he answered, "You see, on the weekends I sit in a doorway by a nightclub that has a very strict dress code".

"That doesn't explain it", I replied, "I mean, you don't need smart shoes just to sit outside". 

"I can see what you mean", he said with a chuckle, "But they're pretty useful if you want to get twenty quid off some prick who's come out wearing trainers".

[Watt-Zeefuik]

There's a reprise of the Women's March from a year ago today.  Apparently someone spotted someone carrying a sign saying, "I'd call Donald Trump a ***** but he doesn't have the depth or warmth."

[superjack]

I tried to sign up to a website the other day. I put my password in as 'beef stew' but it said my password wasn't stroganoff.

[Der Kaiser]

See when Steve Jobs died.....did they try to put him in a bag of rice first?

[Maple Leaf]

On 20/01/2018 at 19:04, Ugly American said:

There's a reprise of the Women's March from a year ago today.  Apparently someone spotted someone carrying a sign saying, "I'd call Donald Trump a ***** but he doesn't have the depth or warmth."

 

When something is true, does it still qualify as a joke? 

[milky_26]

17 hours ago, Maple Leaf said:

 

When something is true, does it still qualify as a joke? 

case in point hibs

[superjack]

A little Irishman gets into a lift, looks
up and sees this HUGE guy
standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little Irishman
staring at him. He looks down and
says: "7 ft tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch
penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner
Brown"
The little Irishman faints and falls to
the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings
him to, shaking him... The big guy says,
"What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice the little guy says,
"What EXACTLY did you just say to
me?"
The big dude says, "Well, I saw your
curious look and I figured I'd just give
you the answers to the questions
everyone always asks me... I'm 7 ft tall,
I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch
penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds
each... and my name is Turner Brown."
The Irishman says: "Turner
Brown?!....Sweet Jesus.........I thought
you said,"Turn around!"

[robroy1874]

On 1/13/2018 at 21:27, Maple Leaf said:

Have you ever wondered why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets?

can' help myself chuckle at that

[Number28]

A blind man and his dog were taking a flight for the first time.
The pilot told him to put on a parachute in case of an emergency.
"Unfortunately we don't have one for the dog" said the Pilot.
The pilot told the man to remember to bend his knees to cushion his fall, just before reaching the ground.
"I'm blind" said the man. "How will I know when I'm near to the ground?"
"The dog leash will go slack" said the pilot.

[Sawdust Caesar]

I went to a fancy dress party  last night.

Host : What have you come as ?
Me : A harp
Host : Your outfit looks too small to be a harp
Me : Are you calling me a lyre ?

 

Q. What's the temperature in Motown?
A. Three Degrees, Four Tops.

 

I went to the optician's yesterday and told them that I could see 2 years into the future. They told me I had 2020 vision.

 

[Maple Leaf]

28 minutes ago, Sawdust Caesar said:

I went to a fancy dress party  last night.

Host : What have you come as ?
Me : A harp
Host : Your outfit looks too small to be a harp
Me : Are you calling me a lyre ?

 

Q. What's the temperature in Motown?
A. Three Degrees, Four Tops.

 

I went to the optician's yesterday and told them that I could see 2 years into the future. They told me I had 2020 vision.

 

 

Excellent!! 

[King Of The Cat Cafe]

Then there was the zoo keeper  had mad passionate sex with a chimpanzee and an orangutan.

Classic case of a ménagerie a trois.

[superjack]

Three of us went to a fancy dress party last night dressed as a giant sandwich. 
We managed to make it home in one piece.

[Mollo]

Guy with no arms and no legs at a bus stop

 

Bus arrives and the driver says "Hi John, how you getting on?"

[Watt-Zeefuik]

Stolen from Twitter:

 

Me: Can I make a deposit?

Teller: 

Me: I just want to put some money into my account

Teller:

Penn: Maybe you should try going to a bank

 

 

 

(I'm making the assumption that comedy duo Penn and Teller have a following across the pond enough to make this funny. If this is another one lost in translation, apologies.)

[sairyinthat]

Coach  carrying a dozen priests goes through the guard barrier on the mountain road killing all on board

At the Pearly Gates St Peter say's any of you guilty of being paedophiles can get down to Hell

Eleven of the priests walk to Elevator  to go down and St Peter say's and take the deaf ******* with you

[kila]

My doctor entered the room. "I'm not quite sure how to say this" he said, in a sombre tone. 

 

"Oh my god" I sighed.

 

"It's not my fault the word is so long! " he snapped.

[jamboy1982]

My mate invited me to a burns night last week at the local Chinese restaurant. It was a Chinese burns night. I didn’t want to go but he twisted my arm. 

[Maple Leaf]

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
 

[Watt-Zeefuik]

Another lawyer one I saw years and years ago.

 

ATTORNEY: But isn't it true, sir, that you were not an innocent bystander? You too were shot in the fracas?

WITNESS: No, sir, I was shot midway between the navel and the fracas.

[superjack]

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman. 

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." 

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair." MORAL of the story: Women are evil. Don't mess with them

[superjack]

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. ' Hello ? '

'Is your daddy home?' he asked.

' Yes ,' whispered the small voice. 
May I talk with him?' 

The child whispered, ' No .'

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mummy there?' ' Yes '

'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, ' No '

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?' 

' Yes , ' whispered the child, ' a policeman . '

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?' 

' No, he's busy , ' whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

' Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman , ' came the whispered answer. 

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

' A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered, 

' The search team just landed a helicopter '

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?' 

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... 

' ME ....'

[Ulysses]