Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)

[Morgan]

In the middle of a long and messy divorce, I've decided that suicide is the only way out.

Now all I need to do is talk her into it.

[Bauld]

I like my women like I like my whisky. 12 years old and mixed up with coke.

 

Disclaimer: This is just a joke, i do not condone the practice of mixing whisky with coke.

Edited July 16, 2017 by Bauld

[Unknown user]

I like my women like I like my whisky. 12 years old and mixed up with coke.

 

Disclaimer: This is just a joke, i do not condone the practice of mixing whisky with coke.

Edited July 16, 2017 by Smithee

[1953]

Doctor doctor every time I masturbate I start singing 'Sunshine on Leith'. That's perfectly normal says the doctor, lots of wankers sing that song!

[dougal]

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up 2 fingers and says "Five beers please"

[Jambothump]

Guy in a restaurant, asks for horse burger, told politely they do not serve equine based food. YES you do, I heard someone ask for mair soup with no problem.

 

Sent from my FDR-A01L using Tapatalk

[Bauld]

I bought R Kelly's new album yesterday. There was a warning sticker on the cellophane. It read, "Please keep this rapper away from babies and young children."

[¼½¾]

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman are captured by some natives in the jungle and taken to their camp.

The chief says to the Irishman,  "You have a choice.  Oogieboogie or death?"

The Irishman says, "To be sure, I'm to young to die, I'll be taking the oogieboogie."  The chief shouts "Oogieboogie!" Twenty villagers pounce on him and shag him. When they stop, his arse is in tatters and he's left wimpering, in a bruised and bloodied heap.

 

The chief says to the Scotsman, "You have a choice.  Oogieboogie or death?"

The Scotsman says, "Ah dinnae want tae dee mon, I'll tak thon oogieboogie."   The chief shouts "Oogieboogie!". Twenty villagers pounce on him and shag him.  When they stop, his arse is in tatters and he's left wimpering, in a bruised and bloodied heap.

 

The chief says to the Englishman,  "You have a choice.  Oogieboogie or death?"

The Englishman says, "You chaps are not pumping me, I'd rather face death."

The chief shouts, "Death by oogieboogie!"

[superjack]

I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K, 1Mb.

That was some trip down memory lane.

[superjack]

I'm a scientist studying the effects of beastiality between humans and dogs.

If you want me I'll be in my Lab.

[Bauld]

I asked my Welsh friend how many sexual partners he'd had. He started counting but he fell asleep.

[Meadows]

The guy who founded Parcelforce has died, his funeral is on Tuesday between 7am - 18.00 pm

[mrmarkus1981]

Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the side?

 

So when they return to port they can Scandinavian!

 

Sent from my LG-H850 using Tapatalk

[Governor Tarkin]

I have to admit, it made me laugh.

Me too.

[Bauld]

My wife said, "Why is the laptop all sticky?"

 

I said, "It's not what you think, it's ice cream."

 

She said, "How did you manage to get ice cream all over the laptop?"

 

I said, "Have you ever tried eating an ice cream whilst masturbating?"

[Bauld]

We now live in an age where it's more important to delete history, than it is to make it.

[Morgan]

I asked my Welsh friend how many sexual partners he'd had. He started counting but he fell asleep.

  

My wife said, "Why is the laptop all sticky?"

I said, "It's not what you think, it's ice cream."

She said, "How did you manage to get ice cream all over the laptop?"

I said, "Have you ever tried eating an ice cream whilst masturbating?"

Superjack has a serious rival.

[Watt-Zeefuik]

A very religious farmer decided to donate his donkey to the local religious parish. The priest was at a loss for what to do, and since the bishop was away, he just shrugged and entered it in the local horse race.  Surprisingly, the donkey came in third. The headlines in the paper the next day ran:

 

PRIEST'S ASS SHOWS

 

The bishop wasn't happy about the headline but he was happy about the cash received, and since it wasn't exactly gambling, he allowed the priest to enter it again.  Surprisingly, this time the donkey won. The headlines ran:

 

PRIEST'S ASS OUT IN FRONT

 

This was more than the bishop could take. He ordered the priest to not enter the donkey again. Disappointed, the papers ran:

 

BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S ASS

 

Fed up, the bishop ordered the priest to get rid of the donkey, so the priest found a sister at the local convent willing to care for it. The next day:

 

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

 

The bishop was at his wits end and ordered the donkey to be got rid of from anyone to do with the church. The priest found an interested traveling carnival who wanted the fast donkey as a side show. Sure he was done with it, the bishop confidently opened his morning paper.

 

PRIEST PEDDLES NUN'S ASS AT CARNIVAL FOR 50 QUID

 

They buried the bishop the next day.

[Bauld]

A very religious farmer decided to donate his donkey to the local religious parish. The priest was at a loss for what to do, and since the bishop was away, he just shrugged and entered it in the local horse race. Surprisingly, the donkey came in third. The headlines in the paper the next day ran:

 

PRIEST'S ASS SHOWS

 

The bishop wasn't happy about the headline but he was happy about the cash received, and since it wasn't exactly gambling, he allowed the priest to enter it again. Surprisingly, this time the donkey won. The headlines ran:

 

PRIEST'S ASS OUT IN FRONT

 

This was more than the bishop could take. He ordered the priest to not enter the donkey again. Disappointed, the papers ran:

 

BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S ASS

 

Fed up, the bishop ordered the priest to get rid of the donkey, so the priest found a sister at the local convent willing to care for it. The next day:

 

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

 

The bishop was at his wits end and ordered the donkey to be got rid of from anyone to do with the church. The priest found an interested traveling carnival who wanted the fast donkey as a side show. Sure he was done with it, the bishop confidently opened his morning paper.

 

PRIEST PEDDLES NUN'S ASS AT CARNIVAL FOR 50 QUID

 

They buried the bishop the next day.

I could barely make it to the end of that

[Alan_R]

Got to my bus stop this morning and there was a heavily pregnant woman waiting.

 

I asked her when it was due.

 

"Oh 5 days" she says.

 

Five days? I said, fk that I'm going to walk!

[Unknown user]

Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the side?

 

So when they return to port they can Scandinavian!

 

 

My God that's beautiful

[superjack]

To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket.

You can hide but you can't run.

[superjack]

I keep stealing kitchen utensils from shops. My friends keep telli he I'll end up in jail but I always say it is a whisk I'm willing to take.

[Watt-Zeefuik]

I keep stealing kitchen utensils from shops. My friends keep telli he I'll end up in jail but I always say it is a whisk I'm willing to take.

Played a blender with that one

[Swanny17]

A woman has been jailed for killing her husband with guitars.

"First offender?" asked the judge?

"No, first a Gibson then a Fender" replied the woman.

[¼½¾]

A busker told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.

"Is that a fret?", I said.

[Bauld]

BBC News : Arsene Wenger's favourite character as a child was Darth Vader

 

If only they married.

 

Arsene Vader

[LeftBack]

BBC News : Arsene Wenger's favourite character as a child was Darth Vader

 

If only they married.

 

Arsene Vader

Talking of 'if they only married'...golfer Nick Faldo's caddy, ***** Sunesson, was once in a relationship with Vijay Singh. If they had got married that would have made her....

And if only she and Bernard Langer had married...

[Swanny17]

Talking of 'if they only married'...golfer Nick Faldo's caddy, ***** Sunesson, was once in a relationship with Vijay Singh. If they had got married that would have made her....

And if only she and Bernard Langer had married...

Whoopi Goldberg and Peter Cushing should've got married too!

[Cheile]

****y Craddock and Jock Weir to be married? (This is a blast from the past)

Edited July 26, 2017 by Cheile

[butch]

In the car park at Sainsbury's the other day there was a golf cart parked in a disabled bay I said to the wife I wonder what his handicap is

[Bauld]

I found my first grey pubic hair last night.

 

 

 

That's the last time I'm eating my Grandma's home made Trifle.

[King Of The Cat Cafe]

Then there was this black dude from New York who said if there was reincarnation he wanted to come back "white, uptight and outtasight."

 

A few days later he was knocked down and killed by a bus and came back as a tampon.

[Bauld]

My mate walked into the pub last night with a massive black eye.

 

"How did you get that?" i asked.

 

He replied. "I was banging my neighbours wife over her kitchen table when we hear the front door open, she said its my husband quick use the back door....... Thinking about it i should have run, but you don't get offers like that every day?"

Edited July 28, 2017 by Bauld

[Morgan]

My mate walked into the pub last night with a massive black eye.

"How did you get that?" i asked.

He replied. "I was banging my neighbours wife over her kitchen table when we hear the front door open, she said its my husband quick use the back door....... Thinking about it i should have run, but you don't get offers like that every day?"

[Swanny17]

Went to a 70?s soul disco last night but it was freezing! Three Degrees, Four Tops??

 

 

6 people have been stabbed with a knitting needle in Sussex. Police are trying to establish a pattern.

 

 

I?ve been learning to speak Apache. It?s easy when you know how.

[Morgan]

Went to a 70?s soul disco last night but it was freezing! Three Degrees, Four Tops??

 

 

6 people have been stabbed with a knitting needle in Sussex. Police are trying to establish a pattern.

 

 

I?ve been learning to speak Apache. It?s easy when you know how.

 

All three but especially the first and third.

[Bauld]

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience was different each week so he did same tricks over and over.

 

The problem was, the captain's parrot saw all the shows and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

 

He started shouting in the middle of the show: 'Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table. Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?' The magician was furious but, as it was the captain's parrot, he could do nothing. Then one day the ship sank and the magician found himself floating on a piece of wood with the parrot.

 

They glared at each other but said nothing. Finally, after a week, the parrot said: 'OK, I give up. Where's the boat?'

[dav1e]

In the bakers where a sign said 'all cakes ?1' , I picked one up and the baker says ?1.50 please. I pointed to the sign and the baker said 'aye but that's Maderia cake'.

[King Of The Cat Cafe]

So, these three women were up in court for murdering their husbands.

 

All three were convicted and the judge ordered they should be put to death - did I tell you this happened in Texas? - in accordance wth the occupations of their late husbands.

 

The brunette said: "My husband was a carpenter".  So they took her out and beat her to death wth hammers.

 

The red head said: "My husband was a sailor".  So they took her out and drowned her in a barrel.

 

The blonde sad: "My husband was a jockey".  So...

[Darren]

My mother always told me I couldn't make a car out of spaghetti

You should've seen her face when I drove pasta 

[Unknown user]

I had a wooden car. Wooden body, wooden seats, wooden wheels, wooden engine.

It wooden start.

Edited July 29, 2017 by Smithee

[Jeff]

I had a wooden car. Wooden body, wooden seats, wooden wheels, wooden engine.

It wooden start.

 

Christ

[Unknown user]

Christ

[superjack]

I had a wooden car. Wooden body, wooden seats, wooden wheels, wooden engine.

It wooden start.

That joke of that bad, the first time I heard it was from reading the broons.

[superjack]

A dog is lost in the jungle and keeps wondering around looking for his owner. Aftet a while a lion notices him and thinks he would make a nice wee lunch.

The dog notices the lion just as he is preparing to pounce on him and starts panicking. All of a sudden he notices a pile of bones and has an excellent idea. He runs over to the bones, picks one up, starts licking it and says out loud "that lion was tasty, I quite fancy another 1."

The lion hears this and turns and runs away. Watching this happen was a monkey in a tree. He thinks that he could turn this situation to his own advantage so goes to find the lion. After half an hour, the monkey finds the lion and tells him the truth about what happened. The lion is raging so, with the monkey sitting his back, he takes off at a rather rapid pace. A few minutes later the dog notices the lion coming back and starts to panic again.

Just as the lion is again about to pounce, the dog sits again on top of the pile of bones and shouts "that monkey is taking his time, I only sent him out to bring another lion.

[queensferryjambo]

Haven't read the whole thread so apologies if already posted.

 

Did you hear about the incontinent crab with the speech impediment?

 

He pished his shell.

[Unknown user]

Haven't read the whole thread so apologies if already posted.

 

Did you hear about the incontinent crab with the speech impediment?

 

He pished his shell.

Simply the incontinent snail where I'm from, but a good one nonetheless!

 

Reminds me of the lonely prisoner - he was in his cell

[sairyinthat]

Old dear pushing Ninety dies and goes to heaven.She's chatting Peter at the pearly gates and hears a bloodcurling scream.Oh my what's that ,Don't worry about it that's someone getting the holes drilled in their shoulders  for the fitting of their wings said Peter.It's followed by a second and worse scream.She's getting scared and Peter say's that's just the hole getting drilled in the head to fit the Halo.Well I am leaving and going to Hell say's the old dear.You don't want to go there said Peter you will be Raped and Sodomised down there.I don't care She said At least I already have the holes for that.

[sairyinthat]

Three old dears waiting to cross the road and a man in a raincoat runs up to them opens the coat and flashes his naked self to them.One old girl immediately has a Stroke.Another one also has a Stroke and the Third one can't quite reach.