Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)

[Frank]

How many Vietnam vets does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

That's right - you DON'T know. 'Cuz you weren't THERE, man!

[Bauld]

The wife was giving me a bollocking after our daughter walked into the bedroom and caught me masturbating..

 

"For ****'s sake Barry, she's six. SIX. And now she's asking me why daddy had his willy in his hand." She yelled. Why didn't you have your ****ing back to the door?"

 

"Because then she'd be asking why daddy had his thumb up his arse."

[jb102]

Couple go on holiday and are wondering what to buy as a momento of their trip.

Husband says "i saw a skunk in that pet shop window"

Wife goes crazy at him and says "how are we gonna get that through customs?"

He says "smuggled in down the front of your knickers"

What about the smell she asks?

"If it dies it dies" he replies.

[Bauld]

Couple go on holiday and are wondering what to buy as a momento of their trip.

Husband says "i saw a skunk in that pet shop window"

Wife goes crazy at him and says "how are we gonna get that through customs?"

He says "smuggled in down the front of your knickers"

What about the smell she asks?

"If it dies it dies" he replies.

 

[superjack]

3 nurses working in a morgue; a male corpse is brought in with a massive erection. Nurse 1 says "i cant let that go to waste" and climbs on. when she's done nurse 2 says "well if you get to i might as well" and she rides him too. When she's finished nurse 3 is a little hesitant saying "i dont know if i should, im on my period. what the hell, he's dead he'll not mind" and so she jumps on him. when she's done the guy sits up and looks around bewildered. "OMG! we're so sorry we thought you were dead!" cry the nurses. "I was!" says the man, "but after two jump starts and a blood transfusion i seem to be better!"

[graygo]

I've been diagnosed with a fear of giants. Feefiphobia.

 

 

I?ve been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.

 

Feefiphobia

 

[milky_26]

Couple go on holiday and are wondering what to buy as a momento of their trip.

Husband says "i saw a skunk in that pet shop window"

Wife goes crazy at him and says "how are we gonna get that through customs?"

He says "smuggled in down the front of your knickers"

What about the smell she asks?

"If it dies it dies" he replies.

please tell me i'm not the only one to read the last line like ivan drago in rocky 4

[Morgan]

Your sort of comment

[Morgan]

please tell me i'm not the only one to read the last line like ivan drago in rocky 4

You're not the only one.

Edited May 2, 2017 by Morgan

[I P Knightley]

3 nurses working in a morgue; a male corpse is brought in with a massive erection. Nurse 1 says "i cant let that go to waste" and climbs on. when she's done nurse 2 says "well if you get to i might as well" and she rides him too. When she's finished nurse 3 is a little hesitant saying "i dont know if i should, im on my period. what the hell, he's dead he'll not mind" and so she jumps on him. when she's done the guy sits up and looks around bewildered. "OMG! we're so sorry we thought you were dead!" cry the nurses. "I was!" says the man, "but after two jump starts and a blood transfusion i seem to be better!"

Another one from the morgue.

 

The new, young assistant is left alone to prepare a female corpse for autopsy. When he's done, he goes through to the pathologist and says, "Why do you think she has a prawn between her legs?"

 

The Pathologist goes to take a look at the corpse, laughs and says, "That's not a prawn; it's a clitoris."

 

The assistant says, "well, it tastes like a prawn."

[Tazio]

Another one from the morgue.

 

The new, young assistant is left alone to prepare a female corpse for autopsy. When he's done, he goes through to the pathologist and says, "Why do you think she has a prawn between her legs?"

 

The Pathologist goes to take a look at the corpse, laughs and says, "That's not a prawn; it's a clitoris."

 

The assistant says, "well, it tastes like a prawn."

I know a lot longer and more shocking version of that one.

 

Suffice to say the end of the joke is "like a gherkin? Really big? No, really sour tasting."

[Morgan]

Took me three days to decipher the feckin Alan one...

Overnight for me

 

At least you got the number plate one

[dalkeithjambo]

Paddy takes his goldfish to the vet says its got epilepsy.

The vet says "it looks calm enough to me"

Paddy says "I haven't taken it out the effin bowl yet!"

[Watt-Zeefuik]

Friend of mine from Scotland used to work in concert production.  She said it always good to have a Hibs fan on hand when putting up the stage.  They'd get the Hibee to stand up there, and they knew they'd gotten it level when he started drooling out of both sides of his mouth.

[King Of The Cat Cafe]

They were having a few problems with the bell at Notre Dame Cathedral - the rope broke and there was no way of sounding the hours.

 

Quasimodo was in a stew, until this guy from Glasgow approaches and says "Don't worry, I'll  sound the hours.  I'll climb up the ladder and every hour I'll give it the requisite number of Gorbals kisses." 

 

So Quasi decides to give him a trial and the guy climbs up the ladder and every hour he sounds the bell with a headbutt.

 

After a couple of day, the Archbishop approaches Quasi and says, "My son, I am very impressed with this new bell ringer.  What did you say his name was?"

And Quasi replies: "I don't now, but his face rings a bell."

 

 

 

 

 

[superjack]

Ok, here goes, I'm going to try telling a joke without any typos.

 

What's the best thing about living in Switzerland?

Well the flag is a big plus.

[Watt-Zeefuik]

They were having a few problems with the bell at Notre Dame Cathedral - the rope broke and there was no way of sounding the hours.

 

Quasimodo was in a stew, until this guy from Glasgow approaches and says "Don't worry, I'll  sound the hours.  I'll climb up the ladder and every hour I'll give it the requisite number of Gorbals kisses." 

 

So Quasi decides to give him a trial and the guy climbs up the ladder and every hour he sounds the bell with a headbutt.

 

After a couple of day, the Archbishop approaches Quasi and says, "My son, I am very impressed with this new bell ringer.  What did you say his name was?"

And Quasi replies: "I don't now, but his face rings a bell."

 

One day the new bell ringer wanted to go on vacation.  They searched for a temporary replacement, and found another man who rang the bell the exact same way.  Oddly, he looked like the identical twin of the first bell ringer.

 

Sadly, towards the end of the planned vacation, he fell from the tower and died.  When they went to bury him, the Archbishop asked Quasi what the replacement bellringer's name was.  Quasi replied, "Not sure, but he's a dead ringer for the other guy."

[Swanny17]

I've been invited to a Boomtown Rats convention.

Only problem it's on a Monday.

[deesidejambo]

Guy goes into a psychiatrist -

 

"It's about my brother - he thinks he's an orange".

 

"Well I need to speak to him, where is he?"

 

"He's in my pocket".

[martoon]

Ok, here goes, I'm going to try telling a joke without any typos.

What's the best thing about living in Switzerland?

Well the flag is a big plus.

[iantjambo]

Ok, here goes, I'm going to try telling a joke without any typos.

 

What's the best thing about living in Switzerland?

Well the flag is a big plus.

[Morgan]

Bloke goes to the doctor and says that he thinks he is a moth.

The doctor says 'it's not a doctor you need to see, it's a psychiatrist.'

'But yer light was on !' says the bloke.

 

 

[superjack]

 

Jeremy Corbyn in bank: "Good morning", says Jer, "could you please cash this cheque for me?

Cashier: "It would be my pleasure Sir, but could you please show me some identification?"

Corbyn: "I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I'm Jeremy Corbyn, Leader of the Labour Party and the Opposition!!"

Cashier: "Yes, I know who you are Sir, but with all the bank regulations, monitoring, impostors and forgers etc., I must insist on seeing some identification".

Corbyn "Just ask any of the customers here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am!"

Cashier: "I'm sorry Sir, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them".

Corbyn: "I'm urging you, please cash this cheque for me".

Cashier: "Look Sir, this is what we can do. One day Colin Montgomery came into the bank without any ID. To prove he was Colin Montgomery he pulled out his putter and putted a ball along the floor and into a small cup.

With that sort of skill we knew it was Colin Montgomery and we cashed his cheque.

On another occasion, Andy Murray came in without any ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and lobbed a tennis ball straight into my teacup with such a spectacular shot that we all knew it was Andy Murray.

Corbyn starts to think and think and finally says, "To be honest, there is nothing that comes into my mind. In fact I can't think of a single thing that I'm any good at."

 

Cashier: "Will it be large or small notes you require Mr Corbyn!!.

[rudi must stay]

What's everyones favorite coffee in the UN?

 

Kofi Annan

[rudi must stay]

What's the best laptop for listening to music?

 

A dell

[Tazio]

Ok, here goes, I'm going to try telling a joke without any typos.

 

What's the best thing about living in Switzerland?

Well the flag is a big plus.

The Japanese were going to have the same flag but they put a full stop to that.

[Morgan]

I reckon I have posted the moth joke here before.

It was a joke?

[aussieh]

What do u call a hunner punks on a raft?

Beans on toast

Edited May 7, 2017 by aussieh

[269miles]

A guy who was  addicted to  plastic surgery became addicted to a Plastic Surgery Anonymous self help group he joined. "I can't help it, it's really interesting , there's a new face every week". 

[King Of The Cat Cafe]

One day the new bell ringer wanted to go on vacation.  They searched for a temporary replacement, and found another man who rang the bell the exact same way.  Oddly, he looked like the identical twin of the first bell ringer.

 

Sadly, towards the end of the planned vacation, he fell from the tower and died.  When they went to bury him, the Archbishop asked Quasi what the replacement bellringer's name was.  Quasi replied, "Not sure, but he's a dead ringer for the other guy."

 

I like a guy who knows his classical jokes...

[jb102]

What do u call a hunner punks on a raft?

Beans on toast

Skinheads surely.

[aussieh]

Skinheads surely.

Skinheads with sunburn, then.

 

What do you call a hunner skinheads on a raft in the middle of the south pacific?

 

Fecked!

 

[aussieh]

A wee Tam Cowan joke fae last week.

 

I call my wife 'The Magician'

 

She can turn everything into an argument.

[Maple Leaf]

Dad, why is my sister called Teresa?

Because your mum loves Easter and it's an anagram of easter. Why do you ask Alan?

There's an older version of that, but not nearly as good.

 

A young Cree girl asks her dad, "Where do Cree children get their names?"

 

Dad replies, "When child is born, father take baby out of tepee and looks at our wonderful natural world, and names baby after something he sees in nature.  Sometimes he will see a Running Deer, sometimes he will see Drifting Cloud, sometimes he will see a Mighty Bear.  Why do you ask, Two Dogs Humping?"

[aussieh]

There's an older version of that, but not nearly as good.

 

A young Cree girl asks her dad, "Where do Cree children get their names?"

 

Dad replies, "When child is born, father take baby out of tepee and looks at our wonderful natural world, and names baby after something he sees in nature. Sometimes he will see a Running Deer, sometimes he will see Drifting Cloud, sometimes he will see a Mighty Bear. Why do you ask, Two Dogs Humping?"

Why you ask two dogs Fecking. It's from the 1980s, sheer filth.

[Watt-Zeefuik]

I like a guy who knows his classical jokes...

Cheers!

[superjack]

A guy knocks on his neighbours door and the father answers it. He says to the dad that his daughter has caused him to crash the van and owes him for the repairs.

The dad says he must be mistaken as she is upstairs getting changed.

The guy says I know, she left the curtains open.

[superjack]

How did the hibby find his sister in princes street gardens?

Stunning.

[superjack]

My wife has a whale tattooed on her arse.

It used to be a dolphin though.

[Morgan]

Not a joke. A fact.

[Watt-Zeefuik]

My uncle was going on about his new hearing aid. "It's amazing -- I can listen to music again, I can hear the birds sing, I can have a conversation with friends."

 

"Oh really," I said, "what kind is it?"

 

"It's half past three if you must know, but as I was saying..."

[Swanny17]

My mate said "Can you name any famous Sirians?"

 

I replied "Botham"...

[aussieh]

Did you hear about the Irish shoplifter?

He was found dead under woolies.

[superjack]

A woman says to her boyfriend that if he doesn't stop calling her fat she will leave him.

He says "but what about the children?"

She says what children?

He replies "sorry, I thought you were 8 months pregnant ".

[superjack]

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a large mall for the first time and were amazed with everything they had seen. What really amazed them was these 2 shiny parts of a wall that could open and close.

The boy asked what the were.

The father, never having seen a lift in his life, told the son he didn't know.

At that point, an obese 70 year old woman struggled to walk into the lift and the doors closed. They watched the numbers on the top rise all the way to number 7, stop and then start coming down again. When the list reached the ground floor again, out stepped an absolutely stunning 24 year old blond lady.

The dad, not taking his eyes of the blond woman, says to his son "son, go fetch your mother".

[deesidejambo]

Irish Pilot lands at Heathrow..............

 

Bejeezus that was the shortest runway I've ever landed on.

 

Mind you it was also the widest.

[superjack]

How do you know how heavy a chilli pepper is?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

[superjack]

There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it. Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is unable. This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds. After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week. The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions. The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her. This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less. Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program. Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan. Still he signs up. The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, "If I catch you, you're mine!" The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; he lost 34.

[martoon]

There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it. Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is unable. This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds. After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week. The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions. The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her. This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less. Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program. Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan. Still he signs up. The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, "If I catch you, you're mine!" The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; he lost 34.

[mrmarkus1981]

David Hasslehoff has changed his name to The Hoff.

 

He couldn't be bothered with the hassle

 

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