Morgan Posted October 26, 2018 Share Posted October 26, 2018 5 hours ago, I P Knightley said: On my way home last night, I was attacked by a group of mimes. They did unspeakable things to me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted October 26, 2018 Share Posted October 26, 2018 22 minutes ago, Morgan said: Sometimes a man had to do what he's told by the thread title. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted October 26, 2018 Share Posted October 26, 2018 12 minutes ago, I P Knightley said: Sometimes a man had to do what he's told by the thread title. Well, you certainly did just that! By the way, due to a limited choice in FNAC, we got the Ultimate Ears for our apartment and a dinky wee Sony (59€) for our travels. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Of The Cat Cafe Posted October 27, 2018 Share Posted October 27, 2018 What do you get when you see a heifer wearing a Rangers number 7 shirt and carrying a machine gun? A right wing military coo. Shamelessly stolen from Christopher Brookmyre's novel "Be My Enemy or, **** this for a game of soldiers". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted October 29, 2018 Share Posted October 29, 2018 What’s the difference between yoghurt and America? if you leave yoghurt alone for 200 years it develops culture. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted October 29, 2018 Share Posted October 29, 2018 A drunk staggers out of a pub and sees 2 priests. He runs over to them and says to the forest priest that he’s Jesus Christ. The priest says “no you’re not, behave”.He then goes to the second priest and tells him that he’s Jesus Christ. “No you’re not, go away and behave” says the second priest. ”Look, I’ll prove it, follow me into the pub”. The 3 of them go into the pub and the barman, upon seeing the drunk, shouts “Jesus Christ, not you again”. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted October 29, 2018 Share Posted October 29, 2018 I keep getting run over by the same cyclist on the same day every month, at the same place month after a month. It’s a vicious cycle. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted October 29, 2018 Share Posted October 29, 2018 What’s he difference between Jesus Christ and a hooker? The look on their faces when they get nailed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted October 30, 2018 Share Posted October 30, 2018 I'll never forget my grandfather's last words to me before he died. "Make sure you're holding that ****ing ladder." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
132goals1958 Posted October 30, 2018 Share Posted October 30, 2018 On 27/10/2018 at 19:20, King Of The Cat Cafe said: What do you get when you see a heifer wearing a Rangers number 7 shirt and carrying a machine gun? A right wing military coo. Shamelessly stolen from Christopher Brookmyre's novel "Be My Enemy or, **** this for a game of soldiers". Like one of those Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
¼½¾ Posted October 31, 2018 Share Posted October 31, 2018 I've won a Halloween costume contest for the past five years. This year I'm going as a hotdog. I'm on roll. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted October 31, 2018 Share Posted October 31, 2018 I was told by a mate that I don't understand irony witch was ironic since we were on the bus at the time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted October 31, 2018 Share Posted October 31, 2018 Just thought I'd nip over to my grandma's, and fair play to her, at 93, she had all the halloween decorations up, cobwebs and live insects in the windows and a skeleton on the couch... She always makes a big effort, but there was no answer. I'll pop back next week! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted October 31, 2018 Share Posted October 31, 2018 The first time I had sex, it was in my parent’s bedroom. My girlfriend giggled nervously and moaned, "This is a bit awkward." I grunted, "Just ignore them!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ron Burgundy Posted October 31, 2018 Share Posted October 31, 2018 3 hours ago, I P Knightley said: I was told by a mate that I don't understand irony witch was ironic since we were on the bus at the time. I like that Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted October 31, 2018 Share Posted October 31, 2018 39 minutes ago, Ron Burgundy said: I like that I just spotted my typo for 'which'. Is kickback doing a hallowe'en special autocorrect or have I been a doofus?? I just sold my homing pigeon on eBay - for the 18th time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted October 31, 2018 Share Posted October 31, 2018 5 hours ago, I P Knightley said: I was told by a mate that I don't understand irony witch was ironic since we were on the bus at the time. 1 hour ago, Ron Burgundy said: I like that Try as I might (read it about 10 times), I can’t get that one? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted October 31, 2018 Share Posted October 31, 2018 3 minutes ago, Morgan said: Try as I might (read it about 10 times), I can’t get that one? Me neither, even with the spelling correction. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted October 31, 2018 Share Posted October 31, 2018 Just now, Maple Leaf said: Me neither, even with the spelling correction. Good, not just me. Wish someone would explain it though, it’s really annoying me! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted October 31, 2018 Share Posted October 31, 2018 36 minutes ago, Morgan said: Good, not just me. Wish someone would explain it though, it’s really annoying me! I don't understand irony but believe that I do and believe that being on the bus makes it ironic, thereby demonstrating that I really don't understand irony. It needn't have been a bus journey, I could have been eating a plum or anything unironic. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kalamazoo Jambo Posted October 31, 2018 Share Posted October 31, 2018 6 minutes ago, I P Knightley said: I don't understand irony but believe that I do and believe that being on the bus makes it ironic, thereby demonstrating that I really don't understand irony. It needn't have been a bus journey, I could have been eating a plum or anything unironic. Ironically, you could have even said rain on your wedding day. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted October 31, 2018 Share Posted October 31, 2018 7 minutes ago, I P Knightley said: I don't understand irony but believe that I do and believe that being on the bus makes it ironic, thereby demonstrating that I really don't understand irony. It needn't have been a bus journey, I could have been eating a plum or anything unironic. I'm really, really regretting asking now!! @Maple Leaf ? Help!!!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kalamazoo Jambo Posted October 31, 2018 Share Posted October 31, 2018 1 hour ago, I P Knightley said: I just spotted my typo for 'which'. Is kickback doing a hallowe'en special autocorrect or have I been a doofus?? I did like the joke, though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted October 31, 2018 Share Posted October 31, 2018 9 minutes ago, Morgan said: I'm really, really regretting asking now!! @Maple Leaf ? Help!!!!!! We're in the same boat mate. It feels really dumb to not even understand the explanation. Did you hear the one about the travelling salesman and the farmer's daughter? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted October 31, 2018 Share Posted October 31, 2018 1 minute ago, Maple Leaf said: We're in the same boat mate. It feels really dumb to not even understand the explanation. Did you hear the one about the travelling salesman and the farmer's daughter? No. Go on.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kalamazoo Jambo Posted October 31, 2018 Share Posted October 31, 2018 3 minutes ago, Maple Leaf said: We're in the same boat mate. It feels really dumb to not even understand the explanation. I think "we're on the same bus" would have been a better metaphor Anyway, let me have a go: "I was told by a mate that I don't understand irony which was ironic since we were on the bus at the time." He thinks that being on a bus is ironic in itself - which means he doesn't understand irony. That's it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted October 31, 2018 Share Posted October 31, 2018 27 minutes ago, I P Knightley said: I don't understand irony but believe that I do and believe that being on the bus makes it ironic, thereby demonstrating that I really don't understand irony. It needn't have been a bus journey, I could have been eating a plum or anything unironic. 8 minutes ago, Maple Leaf said: We're in the same boat mate. It feels really dumb to not even understand the explanation. Did you hear the one about the travelling salesman and the farmer's daughter? 2 minutes ago, Kalamazoo Jambo said: I think "we're on the same bus" would have been a better metaphor Anyway, let me have a go: "I was told by a mate that I don't understand irony which was ironic since we were on the bus at the time." He thinks that being on a bus is ironic in itself - which means he doesn't understand irony. That's it. Stop it!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted October 31, 2018 Share Posted October 31, 2018 35 minutes ago, Morgan said: Stop it!!! I just sold my homing pigeon on eBay - for the 19th time. (I hate to think that I caused such chaos and division on JKB; I try to bring peace.) Talking of Chaos: Q: What does the B stand for in "Benoit B Mandelbrot"? A: It stands for "Benoit B Mandelbrot". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted October 31, 2018 Share Posted October 31, 2018 22 minutes ago, I P Knightley said: Q: What does the B stand for in "Benoit B Mandelbrot"? A: It stands for "Benoit B Mandelbrot". Now that, I get Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted October 31, 2018 Share Posted October 31, 2018 2 hours ago, Kalamazoo Jambo said: I think "we're on the same bus" would have been a better metaphor Anyway, let me have a go: "I was told by a mate that I don't understand irony which was ironic since we were on the bus at the time." He thinks that being on a bus is ironic in itself - which means he doesn't understand irony. That's it. OK, got it now. But I would never have got there without that explanation. Thanks for not using big words! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kalamazoo Jambo Posted October 31, 2018 Share Posted October 31, 2018 33 minutes ago, Maple Leaf said: OK, got it now. But I would never have got there without that explanation. Thanks for not using big words! No problem. I tried not to be condescending (that's when someone talks down to someone else). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted October 31, 2018 Share Posted October 31, 2018 25 minutes ago, Kalamazoo Jambo said: No problem. I tried not to be condescending (that's when someone talks down to someone else). And here was me thinking that condescending was when water droplets appeared on the inside of window panes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted October 31, 2018 Share Posted October 31, 2018 4 minutes ago, Maple Leaf said: And here was me thinking that condescending was when water droplets appeared on the inside of window panes. I don't get that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted October 31, 2018 Share Posted October 31, 2018 6 minutes ago, Morgan said: I don't get that. It's better than yon irony joke, surely? ?♂️ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted October 31, 2018 Share Posted October 31, 2018 1 hour ago, Kalamazoo Jambo said: No problem. I tried not to be condescending (that's when someone talks down to someone else). I think you'll find you wanted to say, "patronising". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ulysses Posted October 31, 2018 Share Posted October 31, 2018 1 minute ago, I P Knightley said: I think you'll find you wanted to say, "patronising". You wouldn't by any chance have a homing pigeon I could buy off you? Who's the most hated person among the home fans at Borussia Moenchengladbach? The guy who stands up and shouts out "Give us a B." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redjambo Posted October 31, 2018 Share Posted October 31, 2018 1 hour ago, Kalamazoo Jambo said: No problem. I tried not to be condescending (that's when someone talks down to someone else). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Watt-Zeefuik Posted November 1, 2018 Share Posted November 1, 2018 9 hours ago, I P Knightley said: I just sold my homing pigeon on eBay - for the 19th time. (I hate to think that I caused such chaos and division on JKB; I try to bring peace.) Talking of Chaos: Q: What does the B stand for in "Benoit B Mandelbrot"? A: It stands for "Benoit B Mandelbrot". LOL love the Mandelbrot one. Anyway, never use a long word when a diminutive one will suffice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Watt-Zeefuik Posted November 1, 2018 Share Posted November 1, 2018 Oh, right, I had a chaos joke to tell. A physician, an engineer, and a software developer are debating which one has the most Godly profession. The physician argues, "God created people, the work of the human body, it is the physician's job to heal that. Surely that is the most godly!" The engineer rebuts, "But before that, God created the heavens and the earth! Order out of chaos! That's the work of the engineer!" The software developer, meanwhile, is just kind of chuckling to himself. The physician and the engineer turn to him and demand to know what's so funny. "Where do you think the chaos came from?" he says. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A Boy Named Crow Posted November 1, 2018 Share Posted November 1, 2018 8 hours ago, Ugly American said: LOL love the Mandelbrot one. Anyway, never use a long word when a diminutive one will suffice. Yaaaaaaaaaasssssssssssssss!!!!!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted November 1, 2018 Share Posted November 1, 2018 A young lad knocked on my door last night for Halloween and said, "Trick or Treat?" I said, "What have you come as?" He said, "A werewolf." I said, "But you haven't got a costume on you're just in normal clothes." He said, "Well it's not a full moon yet is it, dickhead!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted November 1, 2018 Share Posted November 1, 2018 16 hours ago, Ugly American said: Anyway, never use a long word when a diminutive one will suffice. Probably already posted but that reminds me of the first rule of Thesaurus Club: You shall not talk, converse, discuss, speak, chat, expatiate, yammer, mutter, gas, discourse, utter, communicate, blab, rap, yak, spill or break silence about Thesaurus Club. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unknown user Posted November 8, 2018 Author Share Posted November 8, 2018 Not a joke, but did laugh Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted November 9, 2018 Share Posted November 9, 2018 Bonnie Tyler agreed to have a coffee with me. We went too a Starbucks but she didn't want to go there. So I took her to Costa which she also turned down. I think she was holding out for a Nero. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted November 9, 2018 Share Posted November 9, 2018 My wife has been in a coma for over a week now. The doctors told me to prepare for the worst. So I went round the charity shops to buy back her clothes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted November 10, 2018 Share Posted November 10, 2018 I had sex for 3 hours last night... We role-played as doctor and patient, and I was in the waiting room for 2 hours and 58 minutes! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jim747 Posted November 10, 2018 Share Posted November 10, 2018 Not a traditional way to tell a joke, but... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted November 10, 2018 Share Posted November 10, 2018 On 31/10/2018 at 08:48, I P Knightley said: I was told by a mate that I don't understand irony witch was ironic since we were on the bus at the time. Casting spells? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted November 10, 2018 Share Posted November 10, 2018 If I have 50 quid in one pocket and 100 quid in another pocket, what do I have? Someone else's trousers on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted November 10, 2018 Share Posted November 10, 2018 On 09/11/2018 at 20:31, I P Knightley said: Bonnie Tyler agreed to have a coffee with me. We went too a Starbucks but she didn't want to go there. So I took her to Costa which she also turned down. I think she was holding out for a Nero. Now I learn that she fronted a football show about goalkeeping howlers. A bit monotonous, though. It was totally clips of Joe Hart. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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