Ulysses Posted October 10, 2018 Share Posted October 10, 2018 10 hours ago, bn jambo said: They told me I'd never be good at poetry because I'm dyslexic, but i proved them wrong, so far i've made 3 jugs and a vase . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted October 10, 2018 Share Posted October 10, 2018 12 hours ago, bn jambo said: They told me I'd never be good at poetry because I'm dyslexic, but i proved them wrong, so far i've made 3 jugs and a vase . The local pimp is dyslexic, he recently opened a new warehouse. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted October 10, 2018 Share Posted October 10, 2018 22 hours ago, bn jambo said: They told me I'd never be good at poetry because I'm dyslexic, but i proved them wrong, so far i've made 3 jugs and a vase . . 9 hours ago, ri Alban said: The local pimp is dyslexic, he recently opened a new warehouse. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted October 10, 2018 Share Posted October 10, 2018 (edited) There's a sign at Yellowstone National Park which reads: Quote Please do not camp at Yellowstone if your wife or girlfriend is menstruating. The scent is likely to attract bears to your tent. We don't want your wife biting their heads off for no reason. Edited October 10, 2018 by I P Knightley Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Watt-Zeefuik Posted October 10, 2018 Share Posted October 10, 2018 On 09/10/2018 at 10:29, bn jambo said: They told me I'd never be good at poetry because I'm dyslexic, but i proved them wrong, so far i've made 3 jugs and a vase . That's easily the best dyslexic joke I've heard in a tong lime. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted October 10, 2018 Share Posted October 10, 2018 1 minute ago, Ugly American said: That's easily the best dyslexic joke I've heard in a tong lime. I can't remember whether I already posted my favourite but, either way, it deserves an airing. A mate came to me and told me he'd been diagnosed with the "Big C" "Aw, no, mate!" I said. "Cancer!!" "No", he replied. "Dyslexia". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Watt-Zeefuik Posted October 10, 2018 Share Posted October 10, 2018 11 minutes ago, I P Knightley said: I can't remember whether I already posted my favourite but, either way, it deserves an airing. A mate came to me and told me he'd been diagnosed with the "Big C" "Aw, no, mate!" I said. "Cancer!!" "No", he replied. "Dyslexia". Not dyslexia, but related. I'm not illiterate, my parents were married! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FWJ Posted October 10, 2018 Share Posted October 10, 2018 You’re interviewing 3 women for a barmaid’s job, they’re all equally good so your final question to each is ... “You’re clearing up at the end of the night and you find 20 quid under a bar stool. What do you do?” First one says “I’ll be honest, I’d keep it - perk of the job” Second one says “I’d ask the regulars if they’d lost it and if no-one says so after a few days I’d keep it” Third one says “I’d put it in the charity jar” Who do you give the job to? The one with the biggest t*ts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dougal Posted October 10, 2018 Share Posted October 10, 2018 A beginner's guide to chromosomes XY : Male XX : Female YYY : Delilah This year's 'Flicking a ruler on the edge of a desk' championships will be held in Dordogne. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted October 10, 2018 Share Posted October 10, 2018 On 09/10/2018 at 13:03, Swanny17 said: ? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swanny17 Posted October 10, 2018 Share Posted October 10, 2018 1 hour ago, Maple Leaf said: Knuck fows why it changed to a ? as it was originally a smiley posted from my phone. Clearly no one will believe that now!! ?? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted October 10, 2018 Share Posted October 10, 2018 4 minutes ago, Swanny17 said: Knuck fows why it changed to a ? as it was originally a smiley posted from my phone. Clearly no one will believe that now!! ?? I believe you, but the '?' was really funny. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted October 10, 2018 Share Posted October 10, 2018 3 hours ago, dougal said: A beginner's guide to chromosomes XY : Male XX : Female YYY : Delilah This year's 'Flicking a ruler on the edge of a desk' championships will be held in Dordogne. Both excellent! I made up a new word today: plagiarism. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted October 14, 2018 Share Posted October 14, 2018 Wearing a condom is no guarantee of safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted October 14, 2018 Share Posted October 14, 2018 An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swanny17 Posted October 14, 2018 Share Posted October 14, 2018 3 hours ago, Maple Leaf said: An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tazio Posted October 14, 2018 Share Posted October 14, 2018 Two cannibals catch and kill a man. They decide to start eating him with one at either end and meet in the middle. The one who started at the head end is half way down and says to his friend "how are you getting on" and his mate replies "great, I'm having a ball. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
@VladMagic Posted October 15, 2018 Share Posted October 15, 2018 I heard this a few years ago when the 3 in the joke all passed away in a relatively short time period. Gianni Versace, Freddie Mercury and the Queen Mum all arrive at the pearly gates of heaven where they are greeted by Saint Peter. Expecting instant entry to heaven they are disappointed when St Peter explains that there has been a number of deaths recently and that heaven is in fact full. "Very sorry folks" says Saint Peter. "Lots of deaths recently and we only have space for 1 of you in heaven. The other 2 will have to go to hell" "I think the best way to sort this mess out is to tell me who you are, what you did back on earth and why you deserve to get into heaven. I will then decide" The 3 of them look at each other before agreeing to the demands. Up steps Gianni Versace "When I was alive I was a fashion icon. I sold millions of pounds of clothes, created a fashion brand icon and could make ugly people look good in my clothes. If you let me into heaven I will dress you in Versace, the cherubs in Versace, God in Versace and heaven will be a much nicer place. "Very good" said Saint Peter Up steps Freddie Mercury "When I was alive I was lead singer of the rock group Queen. We sold millions of records all over the world, filled stadiums, made sad people happy with our music and if you let me in I will sing Queen songs all day and heaven will be a much happier place" "Very good" said Saint Peter Up steps the Queen Mum Saying nothing at all the Queen Mum drops her skirt and underwear and takes out a bottle of water. Unscrews the top and inserts the bottle into her ****. Empties the contents before squirting the whole lot on the floor. Back up with her skirt and undies. "That's it. Job done, YOU WIN!!!" Says Saint Peter The other 2 look at each other wondering how on earth this display has won entrance to heaven? Saint Peter looks at them and says "Come on guys. You know the rules? A Royal flush beats a pair of Queens!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jeff Posted October 15, 2018 Share Posted October 15, 2018 Read that poetry one about 15x last week and didn't get it. Read it once today and immediately got it. Could I be the dyslexic!? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
@VladMagic Posted October 15, 2018 Share Posted October 15, 2018 2 hours ago, Jeff said: Read that poetry one about 15x last week and didn't get it. Read it once today and immediately got it. Could I be the dyslexic!? Took me 3 or 4 reads to get it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Turkishcap Posted October 16, 2018 Share Posted October 16, 2018 Just nicked this from one of my mates. Im taking my new business venture to New York, it’s a jigsaw of Frank Sinatra......well they say if you make it there you can make it anywhere. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted October 16, 2018 Share Posted October 16, 2018 23 hours ago, VladMagic said: Took me 3 or 4 reads to get it. Me too. Bloody wife got it straight away Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redjambo Posted October 16, 2018 Share Posted October 16, 2018 2 hours ago, Morgan said: Me too. Bloody wife got it straight away Do you always celebrate that way with your wife when you finally get a joke? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted October 16, 2018 Share Posted October 16, 2018 5 hours ago, redjambo said: Do you always celebrate that way with your wife when you finally get a joke? Honestly Red, get your mind out of the gutter. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted October 16, 2018 Share Posted October 16, 2018 The doctor said to me that he was going to ask me 10 questions. "Question number one: Have you ever suffered from blackouts?" "No" "And finally, question number ten..." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swanny17 Posted October 16, 2018 Share Posted October 16, 2018 Some bloke just told me he was going to hit me with the neck of a guitar! I said “is that a fret?” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted October 16, 2018 Share Posted October 16, 2018 18 minutes ago, I P Knightley said: The doctor said to me that he was going to ask me 10 questions. "Question number one: Have you ever suffered from blackouts?" "No" "And finally, question number ten..." So, the Bluetooth? You never finished. Maybe you did. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mollo Posted October 18, 2018 Share Posted October 18, 2018 Two dyslexic blokes talking in the kitchen One sniffs and says “hey can you smell gas??” the other replies “dunno mate I can’t even smell my own name!” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sairyinthat Posted October 19, 2018 Share Posted October 19, 2018 Old couple go into café for a meal the woman asks the waitress for two teas two buttered slices bread one pie and chips and two plates as they share everything equally the order comes and the husband cuts the pie in half and counts the chips later when the waitress is clearing tables she notices the wife has not touched her food while the husband is chewing the last of his food what's wrong she asks why are you not eating what are you waiting for. The Teeth says the wife. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dougal Posted October 19, 2018 Share Posted October 19, 2018 I went to the shop to buy 6 cans of sprite. It wasn't till I got home I realised I'd picked 7up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted October 19, 2018 Share Posted October 19, 2018 What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with a boob job? Ones a crusty bus station and the other’s a busty crustacean. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted October 19, 2018 Share Posted October 19, 2018 An unemployed jester is nobody's fool. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A Boy Named Crow Posted October 20, 2018 Share Posted October 20, 2018 On 17/10/2018 at 02:02, redjambo said: Do you always celebrate that way with your wife when you finally get a joke? Top work! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Findlay Posted October 20, 2018 Share Posted October 20, 2018 Was at the bus stop the other day. The bus pulls up and the guy in front of me asked the driver if he goes to Edinburgh university. No I'm just a bus driver he replies. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted October 20, 2018 Share Posted October 20, 2018 A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swanny17 Posted October 20, 2018 Share Posted October 20, 2018 3 hours ago, John Findlay said: Was at the bus stop the other day. The bus pulls up and the guy in front of me asked the driver if he goes to Edinburgh university. No I'm just a bus driver he replies. Similarly, a young English lad stopped me on Princes Street and said “can you tell me how to get to Edinburgh Uni?” ”Stick in at school” I replied. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted October 20, 2018 Share Posted October 20, 2018 We lost at trivia last night when asked to name three Meatloaf songs. We got Bat Out of Hell, and You Took the Words Right Out of My Mouth, but couldn't for the life of us remember the last one. Oh well, I suppose two out of three ain't bad. I took my new girlfriend home to meet my parents. We had a lovely evening and after she'd gone, my dad leaned over and said, "Son, I think this one's a keeper." "Awww dad, what makes you say that?" "She smells of elephant shit!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rab Mac52 Posted October 21, 2018 Share Posted October 21, 2018 The Pope is handing out miracles in Leith. Billy approaches him and asks, "Can you help me with my hearing?" The Pope puts his hands on Billy's ears and prays. He finishes praying, removes his hands from his ears and asks, "How's your hearing now?" Billy replies, "I don't know, it's not until next Friday....." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Findlay Posted October 21, 2018 Share Posted October 21, 2018 Helicopter landed in my garden. By the time the police arrived I was throwing pieces of bread to it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted October 21, 2018 Share Posted October 21, 2018 Why is every gender equality officer female? Because it’s cheaper that way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted October 21, 2018 Share Posted October 21, 2018 Tuttenkamun was telling everyone that if he jumped into a river he would still be dry but nobody believed him. Eventually they thought they would humour him and told him to show them.As they suspected, when he jumped in the river he was soaked through but he jumped up shouting “I told you so, I’m dry”. The family members turned to each other and said he’s in denial. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ulysses Posted October 25, 2018 Share Posted October 25, 2018 I love ruining the plot of Dorian Gray for people. Never gets old. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
¼½¾ Posted October 25, 2018 Share Posted October 25, 2018 Three Hibs fans walked into a bar, a thief, a flasher and a junkie...and that was just the first one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tazio Posted October 25, 2018 Share Posted October 25, 2018 29 minutes ago, Ulysses said: I love ruining the plot of Dorian Gray for people. Never gets old. Nice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted October 26, 2018 Share Posted October 26, 2018 A boy with a monkey on his shoulder was walking down the road when he passed a policeman who said, “Now, now young lad, I think you had better take that monkey to the zoo.” The next day, the boy was walking down the road with the monkey on his shoulder again, when he passed the same policeman. The policeman said, “Hey there, I thought I told you to take that monkey to the zoo!” The boy answered, “I did! Today I’m taking him to the movies.” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted October 26, 2018 Share Posted October 26, 2018 Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.” Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.” “What does that tell you?” Watson pondered for a minute. “Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. And what does it tell you?” Holmes was silent for a minute as he looked around, then spoke. “It tells me that someone has stolen our tent.” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted October 26, 2018 Share Posted October 26, 2018 Bad news for dyslexics on the 28th of October,your cocks go black. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
¼½¾ Posted October 26, 2018 Share Posted October 26, 2018 I remember when I was a wee guy, running behind the goal, when Hearts beat Dundee Utd 0-3 in 1986. I travelled there in my time machine. It takes me back. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted October 26, 2018 Share Posted October 26, 2018 On my way home last night, I was attacked by a group of mimes. They did unspeakable things to me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boris Posted October 26, 2018 Share Posted October 26, 2018 1 hour ago, I P Knightley said: On my way home last night, I was attacked by a group of mimes. They did unspeakable things to me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.