superjack Posted June 23, 2018 Share Posted June 23, 2018 Two cows standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly: "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," replies Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted June 23, 2018 Share Posted June 23, 2018 Two men are sitting in a bar. One says to the other, "That window is magic. To prove it, I'll jump out." He jumps, much to the other man's horror, and plummets 20 floors only to stop and float gently back up. "Amazing, huh? Why don't you try?" The other man is dubious, but eventually decides to jump. He plummets 30 floors and smacks into the pavement. The first man is in hysterics. "You know," says the bartender, "you're a real prick when you're drunk, Superman." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sairyinthat Posted June 25, 2018 Share Posted June 25, 2018 A fitness routine for the less mobile elderly. stand with feet apart slightly in an area with clear space around you. take a 5kg potato bag in each hand and extend your arms fully and maintain this position for one minute. do this daily until you can do it comfortably, its hard at first but believe me it gets easier by the day. when you have mastered this then repeat the exercise using 10kg bags,then 50kg bags and when comfortable with that. step up to 100kg bags,and finally when you have mastered that. Put a potato in the bag. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted July 17, 2018 Share Posted July 17, 2018 What's blue and weighs very little? Light blue. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted July 22, 2018 Share Posted July 22, 2018 David Hasselhoff walks into a bar... BARTENDER: OMG it's David Hasselhoff! DAVID HASSELHOFF: Actually, if you don't mind, I'd prefer it if you just called me David Hoff BARTENDER: Sure, no Hassel. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted July 22, 2018 Share Posted July 22, 2018 Jack? Stop. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
milky_26 Posted July 22, 2018 Share Posted July 22, 2018 1 minute ago, Morgan said: Jack? Stop. you've more chance of jonno complementing hibs fans Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted July 22, 2018 Share Posted July 22, 2018 For you Morgan. I used to date a girl with a lazy eye... it turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted July 22, 2018 Share Posted July 22, 2018 A Russian named Rudolf woke up one morning, looked out the window and announced "It's raining." His wife said, "No dear, it's sleeting." He replied, "Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted July 22, 2018 Share Posted July 22, 2018 1 hour ago, superjack said: For you Morgan. I used to date a girl with a lazy eye... it turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted July 22, 2018 Share Posted July 22, 2018 1 hour ago, milky_26 said: you've more chance of jonno complementing hibs fans Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
obua Posted July 22, 2018 Share Posted July 22, 2018 A skeleton walked into a bar,can I have a pint of beer and a mop please bartender he said. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jamboy1982 Posted July 22, 2018 Share Posted July 22, 2018 Paddy tells his wife ‘my bum hole is really burning. I’ve no idea what it is.’ ‘Ring sting’ his wife replies. Paddy says ‘how the hell would he know?’ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swanny17 Posted July 22, 2018 Share Posted July 22, 2018 5 hours ago, superjack said: For you Morgan. I used to date a girl with a lazy eye... it turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time. I think she was a teacher too? Couldn’t control her pupils. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted July 22, 2018 Share Posted July 22, 2018 6 minutes ago, Swanny17 said: I think she was a teacher too? Couldn’t control her pupils. I never liked playing cards with her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swanny17 Posted July 22, 2018 Share Posted July 22, 2018 4 minutes ago, superjack said: I never liked playing cards with her. Could watch a tennis match without turning her heid. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted July 23, 2018 Share Posted July 23, 2018 "I'm over here" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted July 23, 2018 Share Posted July 23, 2018 An Irish friend told me this one, so I guess it's OK to repeat it. An Irishman walks out of a bar ... it happens, you know! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted July 23, 2018 Share Posted July 23, 2018 10 hours ago, ri Alban said: . "I'm over here" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted July 28, 2018 Share Posted July 28, 2018 Football books that should be published: "Biography of a Hibee", by Hugh Jaynus. "Artificial Surfaces are Rotten", by Moe deGrasse. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swavkav Posted July 31, 2018 Share Posted July 31, 2018 A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you *******s who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you *******s who are getting on, get your ass in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The horrified mother went in & told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the kitchen." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted August 5, 2018 Share Posted August 5, 2018 SENIOR SEX The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." Yes, she says, "I remember it well." OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" "Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!" A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?" Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SE16 3LN Posted August 5, 2018 Share Posted August 5, 2018 Two parrots sitting on a perch, One turns to the other and says, can you smell fish? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
¼½¾ Posted August 5, 2018 Share Posted August 5, 2018 My wife was always nagging at me to stop acting like a flamingo. I had to put my foot down. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted August 13, 2018 Share Posted August 13, 2018 Lee Mccullochs joke on off the ball, which actual made me laugh. Me "Doctor I feel like a cowboy" Doctor "How long have you felt like this" Me "About a yeehaaaar" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
winniethedog Posted August 13, 2018 Share Posted August 13, 2018 (edited) Got a job as a part time street cleaner during the Edinburgh Festival. Turned up on the first day and the boss gave me a black bag and a litter picker. Off you go to the High Street he said. I asked if there was any training and he replied "no need, you'll pick it up as you go along ." Edited August 13, 2018 by winniethedog Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jamhammer Posted August 13, 2018 Share Posted August 13, 2018 I mistakenly drank a bottle of Tippex thinking it was liquid Viagra. Gave me a raging correction. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sairyinthat Posted August 14, 2018 Share Posted August 14, 2018 Its the Olympics Wrestling Final and Olag the Norwegian is up against Vlad the Russian.Olalg coach says to him this guy is almost unbeatable if he gets you in the Pretzal hold you are done for nobody has ever got out of that hold so avoid it at all costs.Okay says Olag,the Final starts and they are circling each other looking for an opening when Vlad strikes and gets hold of Olag gets him in the Pretzal and the crowd groan,Olag's coach drops his head in his hands it's over he mutters,suddenly a shriek and Vlad shoots in the air and lands flat on his back.Olag throws himself on top and pins him becoming Olympic Champion.Coach asks him how did you get out of the Pretzal it's never been done before? Well Olag say's I was ready to give up and opened my eyes to see Two testicles so I bit them Babies hard.so biting the testicles made him release you the coach say's coach.Yes Olag say's it's amazing the strength you get when you bite your testicles. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted August 28, 2018 Share Posted August 28, 2018 Three sisters age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts her foot in and pauses. She yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses, then she yells, "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?" The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alex Kintner Posted September 2, 2018 Share Posted September 2, 2018 A few from Gary Delaney: I’ve been asking my wife for ages to stimulate me sexually with her keyring but she just keeps fobbing me off. My grandad went down in history... and on one occasion fingered a girl in geography. I went to my weekly Premature Ejaculators meeting this morning...turns out it’s tomorrow. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted September 3, 2018 Share Posted September 3, 2018 What's the difference between a Robert and a boaby? You cannae get a curtain ring stuck on a Robert. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted September 3, 2018 Share Posted September 3, 2018 9 hours ago, ri Alban said: What's the difference between a Robert and a boaby? You cannae get a curtain ring stuck on a Robert. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted September 3, 2018 Share Posted September 3, 2018 14 hours ago, ri Alban said: What's the difference between a Robert and a boaby? You cannae get a curtain ring stuck on a Robert. I cannae get a curtain ring stuck on my boaby. ??? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted September 3, 2018 Share Posted September 3, 2018 1 minute ago, superjack said: I cannae get a curtain ring stuck on my boaby. ??? Ring pull!? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted September 3, 2018 Share Posted September 3, 2018 8 minutes ago, ri Alban said: Ring pull!? Sorry I took so long to reply, I wanted to finish my cider before I tried. At last, a ring that can get stuck. Away to A and E now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted September 3, 2018 Share Posted September 3, 2018 (edited) A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off. "What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant. "Nothing," the woman answered "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off." "Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles." Edited September 3, 2018 by superjack Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted September 3, 2018 Share Posted September 3, 2018 Just now, superjack said: Sorry I took so long to reply, I wanted to finish my cider before I tried. At last, a ring that can get stuck. Away to A and E now. DIY circumcision. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted September 3, 2018 Share Posted September 3, 2018 In the middle of a harsh winter, The lone ranger and tonto enter dodge city. The lone ranger wants a beer, but Indians are not permitted. Tonto says what am I going to do while you're in the warm saloon having a beer and stuck here in the snow freezing ma tits aff. The LR says"Why don't you run around town for 20 minutes til I finish my beer. That should keep you warm. 1 hour later, a cowboy enters the saloon and shouts. SOMEONE'S LEFT THEIR ENGINE RUNNING! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted September 3, 2018 Share Posted September 3, 2018 18 minutes ago, ri Alban said: DIY circumcision. If I squeezed my seed bag into the ring pull as well, it would have been a DIY sex change. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jambomuzz Posted September 3, 2018 Share Posted September 3, 2018 Why did hitler commit suicide? He got the gas bill in.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swanny17 Posted September 3, 2018 Share Posted September 3, 2018 I hired a landscape gardener but he said he couldn’t help as my garden is portrait. This morning I made a Belgian waffle. Later, I made a Frenchman talk bollocks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted September 6, 2018 Share Posted September 6, 2018 Paddy was on his death bed and knew the end was near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in Belfast. He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes. When all is ready he begins to speak: "My son Seamus, I want you to take the houses in Cultra." "My daughter Geraldine , you take the apartments over in Malone Road." "My son Patrick Junior, I want you to take the offices in the City centre." "Bridget, my dear wife, please take all the residential properties on the Upper Lisburn Road ." The nurse and witnesses are blown away. They did not realize the extent of Paddy's wealth. As he slips away, the nurse says to his wife, "Mrs. O'Shaughnessy, my deepest condolences. Your husband must have been such a hard-working and wonderful man to have accumulated all this property".. "Property?”, his wife replies. “The git had a window cleaning round." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alex Kintner Posted September 6, 2018 Share Posted September 6, 2018 The original cast of ‘The Magnificent Seven’ were asked to do an aftershave advert in Anfield.... Only six of them turned up... Yul never wore cologne. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
¼½¾ Posted September 6, 2018 Share Posted September 6, 2018 I was on the train to Peterborough this morning, in the bog having a shit, when a voice called out "Can I see your ticket please?". "Not just now.", I said, "I'm having a shit." "I don't believe you.", said the voice, "Can you slide it under the door?" I have to take the bus now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robbo-Jambo Posted September 6, 2018 Share Posted September 6, 2018 On 03/09/2018 at 21:11, Jambomuzz said: Why did hitler commit suicide? He got the gas bill in.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Governor Tarkin Posted September 10, 2018 Share Posted September 10, 2018 Q. What do you call a successful female author playing snooker whilst balancing three pints on her head? A. Beer-tricks Potter. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
@VladMagic Posted September 10, 2018 Share Posted September 10, 2018 Guy's out hunting when he spots a bear in a clearing down by a river. Loads up his rifle and takes aim at the bear and BANG lets fly. Checks to see if he kills the bear but there is nothing to be seen? Feels a tap on the shoulder. It's the bear. "You just tried to kill me! I am now either going to eat you alive or give you a stiff rogering from behind. Your choice!!" Hunter decides death isn't an option and plans revenge so opts for the stiff rogering which is duly dealt out by the bear. Swearing revenge the hunter returns a month later with an assault rifle and fully loaded magazine. Heads back to the same spot by the river and low n behold the bear is there. BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG he empties the rifle at the bear. Wanders down to recover the bears body but its not there? He feels another tap on the shoulder? Its the bear. "You just tried to kill me again!! Either I eat you now or I give you another good rogering. Hunter not wanting to be eaten and again swearing revenge takes another good seeing to from the bear. Few months later he returns to the same spot with a Bazooka swearing revenge on the bear. Wanders down to the clearing and low n behold the bear is there. Loads the bazooka, takes aim and fires. BOOOOOOOOM!!!!! Hunter wanders down to find its remains but nothing? Then he feels a tap on the shoulder. It's the bear. "You aren't here for the hunting are you??" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted September 10, 2018 Share Posted September 10, 2018 3 hours ago, Governor Tarkin said: Q. What do you call a successful female author playing snooker whilst balancing three pints on her head? A. Beer-tricks Potter. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted September 10, 2018 Share Posted September 10, 2018 (edited) What do you do if you see a Hibs fan drooning? Throw in his wife and weans. Edited September 10, 2018 by ri Alban Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Top Corner Posted September 10, 2018 Share Posted September 10, 2018 Velcro.... What a ripoff. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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