superjack Posted February 6, 2018 Share Posted February 6, 2018 The man on the top bunk & the lady on the bottom bunk. During the night, man woke & asked "Sorry to bother you but would you reach into the closet to get me a 2nd blanket, i'm freezing!" "I've a better idea" she replied, "Why don't we pretend we are married?" "Wow what a great idea!" he said. "Good" she said, "Get your own blanket yourself, you lazy *******!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted February 12, 2018 Share Posted February 12, 2018 A deep-sea diver is twenty feet below sea level when he sees another guy with no scuba gear. He goes down another thirty feet, and the guy with no equipment stays with him. He takes out a waterproof chalkboard and writes, "How the hell can you stay down this deep without equipment?" The guy takes the chalkboard and writes, "You arsehole, I'm drowning." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
samgolden Posted February 16, 2018 Share Posted February 16, 2018 An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2am and is asked where is he going at this time of night. The man replies, “I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late.” The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?” The man replies, “That would be my wife.” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Of The Cat Cafe Posted February 16, 2018 Share Posted February 16, 2018 Some years ago, the bosses at Coca-Cola decided they wanted to increase their sales, so decided to ask the pope to change the words of the Lord's Prayer from "give us this day our daily bread to "give us this day our daily Coke." They sent a delegation to Rome and first of all they offered the pope $1m a year. He said no. Then they offered $5m. He said no. Then they offered $10m. He said no. When they reported this back to their head honcho he could not believe it: "He turned down $10m? Just how much are those ****ing bakers paying him?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
N Lincs Jambo Posted February 18, 2018 Share Posted February 18, 2018 A man sees a sign outside a house:'Talking Dog For Sale'....He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador Retriever sitting there."Do you really talk?" He asks the dog."Yes!" The Labrador replies.After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story!"The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS."In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years, But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired!"The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog."Ten quid!" The owner says."£10? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?""Because he's a lying c&*t. He's never been out of the garden!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted February 18, 2018 Share Posted February 18, 2018 (edited) 2 hours ago, N Lincs Jambo said: A man sees a sign outside a house:'Talking Dog For Sale'....He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador Retriever sitting there."Do you really talk?" He asks the dog."Yes!" The Labrador replies.After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story!"The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS."In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years, But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired!"The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog."Ten quid!" The owner says."£10? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?""Because he's a lying c&*t. He's never been out of the garden!" Edited February 18, 2018 by Morgan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted February 22, 2018 Share Posted February 22, 2018 Gave this lass a drink of my lemonade last night & she totally fell in love with me... Schwepped her right off her feet!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tazio Posted February 22, 2018 Share Posted February 22, 2018 What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Well, I can roast beef... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trotter Posted February 24, 2018 Share Posted February 24, 2018 How do you find out how heavy a red hot chilli pepper is? Give it a weight, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ulysses Posted February 24, 2018 Share Posted February 24, 2018 Not a joke, an actual video/GIF of something, but I laughed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Of The Cat Cafe Posted February 24, 2018 Share Posted February 24, 2018 In a small church somewhere in the Highlands, the minister had an idea to increase the collection. He said the person who contributed most could choose three hymns. When the plate came back he saw a roll of £20s. "Who gave this," he asked. "Me," said this little old spinster at the back. "OK, Minnie McHaggis, what three hymns would you like?" the minister asked. So, Minnie came to the front of the church and started pointing: "Him, and him, and him..." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ulysses Posted February 24, 2018 Share Posted February 24, 2018 Walked into a B&Q the other day. A fella in a black and orange uniform asked me if I wanted decking. Luckily I'm pretty quick on my feet, so I legged it before he could get a punch in. But others might not be so lucky, so be on your guard. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scott herbertson Posted February 24, 2018 Share Posted February 24, 2018 7 hours ago, Ulysses said: Not a joke, an actual video/GIF of something, but I laughed. That is impossible not to laugh at - that girl's future partner will have trouble at mealtimes Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ulysses Posted February 24, 2018 Share Posted February 24, 2018 1 minute ago, scott herbertson said: That is impossible not to laugh at - that girl's future partner will have trouble at mealtimes She means ****ing business. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
martoon Posted February 25, 2018 Share Posted February 25, 2018 9 hours ago, Ulysses said: Not a joke, an actual video/GIF of something, but I laughed. That's borderline terrifying. If there's ever a new "Omen" film, that's the opening scene to let us know which wee fecker in the playground is the one to be 5h1t scared of. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted March 12, 2018 Share Posted March 12, 2018 Just phoned the sspca after finding a fox and her cubs in a suitcase. The sspca lady asked if they were moving? I said "well that would probably explain the suitcase". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted March 13, 2018 Share Posted March 13, 2018 There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death. Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later. At the séance, she called out, "John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?" A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you." Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?" "It's great. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time, the grass is so green and the cows have such beautiful eyes." "What do you do all day?" asked Martha. "Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m." Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?" "Heaven? I'm not in heaven, Martha." "Well, then, where are you?" "I'm now a bull in Montana." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Future's Maroon Posted March 20, 2018 Share Posted March 20, 2018 Young lad and his mother sitting one evening when the boy turns to his mother and asks "Mommy, why am I black and you are white"? The mother looks shocked, then replies "don't complain, the way 'that' party went...you could be able to bark" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1953 Posted March 30, 2018 Share Posted March 30, 2018 Went to the sperm clinic the other day, the lady asked if I'd like to masturbate in the cup. I said "I'm good, but I don't think I'm ready for competitions yet". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LesJambes Posted March 30, 2018 Share Posted March 30, 2018 Knock knock Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted March 30, 2018 Share Posted March 30, 2018 27 minutes ago, LesJambes said: Knock knock Who's there? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Der Kaiser Posted March 30, 2018 Share Posted March 30, 2018 55 minutes ago, superjack said: Who's there? Your doorbell is broke...... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LesJambes Posted March 30, 2018 Share Posted March 30, 2018 1 hour ago, superjack said: Who's there? Allah.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted March 30, 2018 Share Posted March 30, 2018 40 minutes ago, Der Kaiser said: Your doorbell is broke...... Your doorbell is broke who? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LesJambes Posted March 30, 2018 Share Posted March 30, 2018 10 minutes ago, superjack said: Your doorbell is broke who? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted March 30, 2018 Share Posted March 30, 2018 I phoned the Weak Bladder Helpline about my problem. It's 1p a minute. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted March 30, 2018 Share Posted March 30, 2018 I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.I only intended to rough him up a bit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
willie wallace Posted March 30, 2018 Share Posted March 30, 2018 13 hours ago, 1953 said: Went to the sperm clinic the other day, the lady asked if I'd like to masturbate in the cup. I said "I'm good, but I don't think I'm ready for competitions yet". ?? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Of The Cat Cafe Posted March 31, 2018 Share Posted March 31, 2018 So, this 18-year-old girl was going out on her first date. Her mother had some advice first. "I can tell you now how the night will go. First he will take you to the pictures, then he will take you for fish and chips. Then he will drive you home and on the way he will pull into a lay you and will try 'it' on. "When he does, you just clock him" So, the next morning, the girl reports back. "You were right, mam. First he took me to the pictures, then for fish and chips, then on the way home he pulled into a lay-by and tried 'it' on." The mother says "Did you clock him"? The girl replies "Yes mam. Six minutes and forty seconds." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ulysses Posted April 6, 2018 Share Posted April 6, 2018 Yesterday I heard the meanest joke I've ever heard, so bad that even superjack and jonno would report me for posting it here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted April 6, 2018 Share Posted April 6, 2018 Why did the sand shit? Cos the sea wee'd. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
martoon Posted April 6, 2018 Share Posted April 6, 2018 On 30/03/2018 at 09:03, 1953 said: Went to the sperm clinic the other day, the lady asked if I'd like to masturbate in the cup. I said "I'm good, but I don't think I'm ready for competitions yet". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elmore Posted April 6, 2018 Share Posted April 6, 2018 What's Stevie Wonders favourite colour? Corduroy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted April 6, 2018 Share Posted April 6, 2018 3 hours ago, Ulysses said: Yesterday I heard the meanest joke I've ever heard, so bad that even superjack and jonno would report me for posting it here. PM please? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
butch Posted April 6, 2018 Share Posted April 6, 2018 2 different sports ,but 2 sporting greats have sadly passed with Wilkins and bristow taken away this week however at least Jim Bowen up there will be proud as Ray the non darts player went first , Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted April 6, 2018 Share Posted April 6, 2018 Sorry Ulysses but I must betray you and post the joke you didn't want to post, thanks for the PM. Why have elephants got big ears?Cos' Noddy won't pay the ransom! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ulysses Posted April 6, 2018 Share Posted April 6, 2018 ^^^^ You promised. **** you too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted April 10, 2018 Share Posted April 10, 2018 A milkman comes across an order for 45 pints of milk. Puzzled, he decides to ask the customer if this is a mistake. When he knocks on the door, a woman comes out with just a bath towel around her.">She confirms that she wants 45 pints. "Milk baths are good for your skin," explains the woman."Oh, OK," says the milkman. "Do you need it pasteurized then?"No," says the woman. "Up to my tits will be fine." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ulysses Posted April 14, 2018 Share Posted April 14, 2018 Widow at her husband's funeral. Fella says to her "Do you mind if I say a word?" "OK" she says. He steps up to the microphone, clears his throat and says "plethora". "Thanks" says the widow. "That means a lot." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted April 15, 2018 Share Posted April 15, 2018 What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bike? Attire! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fxxx the SPFL Posted April 15, 2018 Share Posted April 15, 2018 Why has an Elephant got four feet Coz four inches would be no good Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sairyinthat Posted April 15, 2018 Share Posted April 15, 2018 Guy keeps his appointment at the doctors, Tells the doc I have a really uncomfortable stomach full of wind which fortunately is silent and has no odour. Doc writes a prescription and says take these pills for five days then return here, On his return the guy says these pills are hopeless I still have wind and it stinks to high heaven. Doc nods and says That's your sinuses cured now lets do something about your hearing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NANOJAMBO Posted April 15, 2018 Share Posted April 15, 2018 (edited) Your eyes are like stars. You mean they twinkle and sparkle ? Nah, they're ***g miles apart ! Edited April 15, 2018 by NANOJAMBO Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Watt-Zeefuik Posted April 15, 2018 Share Posted April 15, 2018 A man has a particularly embarrassing problem where every time he passes gas, it sounds like, "HONDA!" He finally goes to the doctor and explains the situation. The doctor thinks, then refers him to a dentist. The man is confused but goes to the dentist and explains the problem. The dentist says, "ah, yes, I can clear that right up." After an hour in the chair, the dentist finishes. The man feels pressure building up, and tries to pass gas. It now sounds perfectly normal. Utterly befuddled the man asks what happened. "Well known fact," says the dentist, "abscess makes the fart go honda." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Of The Cat Cafe Posted April 15, 2018 Share Posted April 15, 2018 Then there was the bloke who walked into a hotel with his family and said to the receptionist: "I hope your porn is disabled". The receptionist replied: "It is just regular porn, you sick !@£$" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tazio Posted April 15, 2018 Share Posted April 15, 2018 (edited) On 06/04/2018 at 22:54, superjack said: Why have elephants got big ears?Cos' Noddy won't pay the ransom! Or one of my favourite jokes of all time. Why does Noddy have a bell on his hat? Because he's a *****. Edit. Asterisks replace the rudest word of all. The one that starts with C. Edited April 15, 2018 by Tazio Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kiwidoug Posted April 16, 2018 Share Posted April 16, 2018 I expect everyone knows the one about the annual animals v insects game at Tynecastle so I won't bother. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kiwidoug Posted April 16, 2018 Share Posted April 16, 2018 On 03/12/2017 at 01:33, superjack said: Dad says to his wee boy.. would you rather go and see the mighty glasgow rangers this weekend....or go with mum to see santa ? To which the wee boy replies ffs dad I'm 10 now, I know rangers dont exist, I will go with mum. ??????? Deserves a wider audience on the Terrace. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ulysses Posted April 28, 2018 Share Posted April 28, 2018 I mislaid my fake testicle. What a shambolic situation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maroon Sailor Posted April 30, 2018 Share Posted April 30, 2018 Sign in pet shop window.............'Clitoris licking frog'Woman walks into shop.............man behind counter says..........'Bonjour madam' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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