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Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)


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Kalamazoo Jambo

I recently ordered a thesaurus from Amazon. When it arrived, all the pages were blank.

 

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

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Bought a new iron yesterday day but it doesn’t work. Anyone got a number for the Press Complaints Commission? 

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I Was offered sex by a 25 year old woman in exchange that I'd Advertise some sort of Kitchen cleaner for her.

Of course I said no because of my strong willpower. Which is just as strong as Astonish .

The super strong kitchen cleaner now available in scented lemon or vanilla

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4 hours ago, samgolden said:

I Was offered sex by a 25 year old woman in exchange that I'd Advertise some sort of Kitchen cleaner for her.

Of course I said no because of my strong willpower. Which is just as strong as Astonish .

The super strong kitchen cleaner now available in scented lemon or vanilla

 

615543D0-B7B0-4F6B-A5C7-F1A81617A94F.gif

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Long John Silver was talking to his cabin boy, Jack. 

 

Jack said ‘did you know that the captain is an octogenarian’?

 

LJS said ‘how on earth did you find that out’?

 

Jack replies ‘because when I met him this morning he said Aye matey’.

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A Red Indian chief had three wives.
On Monday he slept with number one wife on a deer hide.
On Tuesday he slept with number two wife on a bear skin
On Wednesday he slept with number three wife on a hippopotamus hide.
Nine months later they all had babies. Number One and Two wife had a baby but
Number three wife had twins.
This goes to prove that the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws on the two adjacent hides

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1 hour ago, Maple Leaf said:

 

 

 

By the way, in this age of rapidly changing social standards, terms like "Red Indian" and "squaw" are frowned upon, even if the squaw is sitting on a hippopotamus! :biggrin:

 

 

 

Suppose that is fine if you know "How"

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It's the Deep South USA.

 

The Preacher stands facing his packed congregation.

He raises his hands to the sky....

"The Lord made the whole world perfect!"

"The Lord made all the creatures in the sea perfect!"

"The Lord made all the creatures on the land perfect!"

"The Lord made it all perfect!"

 

Suddenly down the front a man with a hunched back stands up.

"But Preacher. What about me???"

 

The Preacher looks at him and says  

 

"Well that's what am tellin you, boy. The Lord made you a perfect hunchback!"

 

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In a small village in Yorkshire, the parish church appoint a new pastor, his name is Stephen Phlapps. After being introduced to the congregation a few of the locals invite him to the local pub for a few drinks. Stephen isn't much of a drinker so he decides he will leave after no more than 3 drinks.

When he is about to leave, an attractive young woman in the bar falls over absolutely pished. Stephen says "I'm just leaving so I can give the young lady a help along the road." 

So off Stephen and the drunk bursd go. As they get outside the pub and around a dark corner, the woman stumbles. As Stephen has his arm around her to support her, that both fall and land in a heap, with him on top.

At that point, the village Bobby appears. Seeing them on the ground in that way, he obviously jumps to conclusions and shouts "What is this, can't you pair of young dirties wait until you're home?" Stephen says "you don't understand officer, my name is Stephen, I've just moved into the village with the church and I was helping this young lady home."

"I don't care who you are, I could arrest you both for public indecency."

"But officer, I'm Pastor Phlapps."

The copper then replies "ok then, seeing as you're passed the foreplay, you might as well finish the job."

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Me and my German girlfriend have decided to start rating our sex life.

Yesterday we tried anal.

I got my best score yet, she kept yelling “nein,nein,nein”.

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13 hours ago, iantjambo said:

Me and my German girlfriend have decided to start rating our sex life.

Yesterday we tried anal.

I got my best score yet, she kept yelling “nein,nein,nein”.

giphy.gif

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Seems everyone has a story about ol' Rev. Dryfry. You'd have a potluck supper, and if there was fried chicken, it didn't matter if he was invited or not, Rev. Dryfry would show up and find a way to get himself first in line.

 

Anyways, one day the Reverend woke up to find his bike missing. Incensed that someone would steal a bike from a man of the cloth, he stormed down to the general store to ask if anyone had seen it.

 

Merle behind the counter said, "alright Pastor, here's what ye do. Preach on the 10 commandments on Sunday. When you get down to 'thou shalt not steal,' cast a cold eye out on the congregation.  The one that breaks out in the coldest sweat has your bike.'"

 

Rev. Dryfry thought this was a good idea so he mounted to the pulpit on Sunday, got worked up, and started preaching the 10 commandments from memory, rearranging them all in his head, saving "thou shalt not steal" for a big finish at the very end. He was well into them and on a fiery tear when he made it down to "thou shalt not commit adultery!"

 

It was at that moment that he remembered where his bike was.

Edited by Ugly American
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17 hours ago, Bauld said:

Gynaecologists use a device called a speculum to spread open the vagina.

 

I prefer to call it a flap jack. 

0caecf799a836197556a4760d9981de7--live-t

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A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve You, but don't start anything.

 

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis

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3 hours ago, milky_26 said:

 

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis

 

Pretty good, but probably impossible to tell at a party, especially after a couple of drinks.

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31 minutes ago, Maple Leaf said:

 

Pretty good, but probably impossible to tell at a party, especially after a couple of drinks.

how about this one

 

Jimmy Saville, Rolf Harris & Stuart Hall walk into a pub in Ireland.
Barman says “not yew tree again”

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On 31/10/2017 at 03:41, Morgan said:

 

2333550C-4B27-4371-AF5E-C9299F8F9C53.jpeg

Superb Morgan.  I'll be using that one in the pub today.  I spread the gospel over here.  Got everyone I know hating Hibs.

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With our a shadow of a doubt this is the best thread ever on kickback.  I'll be the heart and soul of my Friday drinking school later on.

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1 hour ago, Kiwidoug said:

Superb Morgan.  I'll be using that one in the pub today.  I spread the gospel over here.  Got everyone I know hating Hibs.

 

7 minutes ago, Kiwidoug said:

With our a shadow of a doubt this is the best thread ever on kickback.  I'll be the heart and soul of my Friday drinking school later on.

You been on the Jack Levey already Doug?

 

:wink:

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3 minutes ago, Morgan said:

 

You been on the Jack Levey already Doug?

 

:wink:

No.  I'm sitting here in my ukio bankas top waiting for the cricket to start and absolutely stantoning myself.

 

First Stella will coincide with the first ball bowled then down to the pub at the end of the first session.

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3 minutes ago, Kiwidoug said:

No.  I'm sitting here in my ukio bankas top waiting for the cricket to start and absolutely stantoning myself.

 

First Stella will coincide with the first ball bowled then down to the pub at the end of the first session.

Enjoy!

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10 minutes ago, Morgan said:

Enjoy!

Meant to add Morgan that if it's a good session in the pub and England are doing well at the cricket I'll probably get a bit pished and make a Dracula of myself!!

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N Lincs Jambo

First foray onto this thread. My 16 year-old daughter has just regaled the following:

 

What do Jimmy Savile and Margaret Thatcher have in common?

 

They both ****ed minors in the 80s

 

I'll get my coat.....

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A man went to his doctor for advice.  It seems that he was continually arguing with his wife, usually over trivial matters. 

 

The doctor told him that he was too tense, and to relieve the tension he should jog 10 miles per day.   The doctor told him to try that and to phone with an update in a week.  Sure enough, a week later the man called the doctor’s office.

 

“How are you feeling?” asked the doctor.

 

“I’m feeling great,” replied the man, “I’m 70 miles from home!”

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I read an interesting statistic on car accidents, and told my friend Harry about it.

 

"Did you know, Harry, that most car accidents happen with 5 miles of home?"

 

"That's awful," said Harry.  Next day he put his house up for sale. 

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A Deer hunter returns home with his kill

His wife say's I will cook that for dinner but please don't let the kids know what kind of meat it is or they will get upset

At dinner the meat is on the table and his son say's what is that dad

Dad say's I'll give you a hint your Mom sometimes say it to me

His daughter screams Don't eat it it's an Arsehole.

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Walked past the bakers the other day and they had a sign "all cakes 99p" 

Tidy. Went in and ordered a donut, 99p a turnover 99p and I asked to get a slice of the cake on the top shelf as it looked pretty good. 

"That's £1.05 for that sir" 

I pointed out the sign said all cakes 99p and he replied, "yes sir but that's Madeira cake"

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Not read the whole thread so apologies if someone has the same problem as me with this steering wheel in my jeans. It's driving me nuts.

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Dad says to his wee boy.. would you rather go and see the mighty glasgow rangers this weekend....or go with mum to see santa ? To which the wee boy replies ffs dad I'm 10 now, I know rangers dont exist, I will go with mum.

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Old fellow gets on a train, already in the carriage is a young woman in a short tight skirt

she is fidgeting a bit and her skirt is moving up her legs and to his surprise she going commando

she see's him looking and ask him are you looking at my vagina

I am he say's and I apologise for embarrassing you but I cant help looking

That's okay if it likes you it will blow a kiss at you.Really he say's

She fidgets a bit and it blows him a kiss Oh wow that's fantastic he said

it will also give a wink she said,fidgeted and sure enough winked.Incredible he said first time I've seen that happen

she patted the seat and said would you like to sit beside me.So he moved alongside her

she then said would you like to put two fingers in there

The old fellow say's Gosh you can make it Whistle too

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The big boss of a bakery was making his monthly visit to the shop and as he walked in he noticed a new lad serving behind the counter. While he was talking to the shop manager an old guy came into the shop and asked the new lad if he could buy half a loaf of bread as a whole one was too big. The young lad wasn't sure about that so said that he would ask the manager if it would be ok and disappeared through to the back of the shop. When he got there he said "There is a awkward old sod in the shop wanting me to cut a loaf in half" and just as he said it he noticed out of the corner of his eye that the old customer had followed him through and had heard every word, so without a pause the young lad added "And this kind old gent has very fortunately offered to buy the other half, is that ok boss". The boss quickly worked out what had just happened and agreed that it would be ok and the young lad cut the loaf in half and the old gent went on his way. The big boss then called the young guy through and told him that he was pleased with the initiative that he showed and managed to get out of an awkward situation. The big boss then asked the young lad where he came from as he obviously wasn't local and he replied that he was from New Zealand. The big boss asked him what made him leave New Zealand and come to Scotland and he said that he was fed up with New Zealand as everybody was either a whore or a rugby player. The big boss then said "my wife's from New Zealand" to which the young lad replied "I see, and which rugby team did she play for sir?"  

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Did you hear about the woman with no legs that won a strawberry picking contest? 

 

Jammy *****. 

 

(See you next Tuesday is the starred out word) 

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