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Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)


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On 21/10/2017 at 11:55, Swanny17 said:

I went to the pet shop to buy some breeding birds. The cashier said “have you got a store card?” I said “no, but I did get a budgie excited once…..”

 

On a similar note -

 

An Irishman goes for a job at the local blacksmith. Blacksmith asks "have you ever shoed a horse". "No" replies the Irishman "but I once told a donkey to **** off"!

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Break time on the building site and the Englishman opens his sandwich.Christ cheese again if I get that one more time this week I amm throwing myself of the top of the building.The Welsh guy opens his and says bloody hell Leek again once more this week and I will be joining you.The Irish guy opens his Bejaysus Chicken again i'll be joining yez if I get these once more.

Next day and breaktime they open their sandwiches and it's a repeat of yesterday's so they go to the top of the building and jump off.

At the joint funeral the wives are talking If he had said  I could have given him meat paste or jam say's the English guys wife.I could have changed for Onion or Shallots said the Welsh wife.The Irish guys wife  said I don't understand him he made his own sandwiches.

 

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10 hours ago, dougal said:

 

On a similar note -

 

An Irishman goes for a job at the local blacksmith. Blacksmith asks "have you ever shoed a horse". "No" replies the Irishman "but I once told a donkey to **** off"!

:rolleyes5::shocked3:

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4 hours ago, sairyinthat said:

Break time on the building site and the Englishman opens his sandwich.Christ cheese again if I get that one more time this week I amm throwing myself of the top of the building.The Welsh guy opens his and says bloody hell Leek again once more this week and I will be joining you.The Irish guy opens his Bejaysus Chicken again i'll be joining yez if I get these once more.

Next day and breaktime they open their sandwiches and it's a repeat of yesterday's so they go to the top of the building and jump off.

At the joint funeral the wives are talking If he had said  I could have given him meat paste or jam say's the English guys wife.I could have changed for Onion or Shallots said the Welsh wife.The Irish guys wife  said I don't understand him he made his own sandwiches.

 

I forgot that joke. Classic 

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22 hours ago, Der Kaiser said:

Everyday is a good day for fishy puns....well....barramundi.....

 

Damn you -- I spent 5 good minutes trying to think of a barramundi pun and couldn't work one out.

 

One of those times where you get one of those brain lox , you know.

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Just now, Ugly American said:

 

Damn you -- I spent 5 good minutes trying to think of a barramundi pun and couldn't work one out.

 

One of those times where you get one of those brain lox , you know.

woulda shoulda barracuda

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3 hours ago, Ugly American said:

 

Damn you -- I spent 5 good minutes trying to think of a barramundi pun and couldn't work one out.

 

One of those times where you get one of those brain lox , you know.

 

Sorry....now I just feel Orcaward.....

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A joke told to me by a Dutch mate about is liberation day in NL.

 

A German is walking through a small Dutch town and he notices that there is flags and bunting outside all the pubs and in the town square.  he asks a local what it's all about and the guy says "it's liberation day tomorrow".

 

what's that ?

 

It's when we celebrate the end of the war and all the Dutch people who died in the war.

 

German guy says , I'm quite upset you're celebrating that just Dutch people died. Even more Germans died in the war   y'know.

 

Dutch guy says , we know. we celebrate that the day after. 

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2 minutes ago, NANOJAMBO said:

A joke told to me by a Dutch mate about is liberation day in NL.

 

A German is walking through a small Dutch town and he notices that there is flags and bunting outside all the pubs and in the town square.  he asks a local what it's all about and the guy says "it's liberation day tomorrow".

 

what's that ?

 

It's when we celebrate the end of the war and all the Dutch people who died in the war.

 

German guy says , I'm quite upset you're celebrating that just Dutch people died. Even more Germans died in the war   y'know.

 

Dutch guy says , we know. we celebrate that the day after. 

:laugh: on my way to work, they'll enjoy that one!

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Guys sitting on his couch with a bag of peanuts throwing the nut in the air and catching it in his mouth

his wife in the kitchen calls to him and he turns his head and the peanut lands in his ear instead of his mouth

try's to winkle it out with his finger but pushes it further in

wife asks if she can try and gets on the couch to work on it but no joy

the daughter and boyfriend arrive and the boyfriend says I can get that out for you by sticking two fingers in your nostrils if you blow hard

Okay lets give it a try say's the husband.So the boyfriend puts this fingers in his nostrils and says now blow,peanut shoots across the room

Wife say's to her husband that was clever I wonder what he is going to be when a little older

Husband say's going by the smell of his fingers I'd say a future son in law.

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Four passengers on a train one of which was an attractive female and they get to chatting,the girl notices them looking her over

If you three each give me Two pounds I will raise my skirt to my knees to show you my legs

Out comes the coins and up goes the skirt.If you give me Five pound each I will show you my thighs.Fivers produced and thighs are shown

If you Give me Twenty pounds each I will show you where I got my Apendix scar,scramble to get the Twenties out

She turns to the window and say's see that hospital building over there,that's where I got it.

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King Of The Cat Cafe

New evidence has emerged that William Tell was not just a gifted archer, but he and his family were avid bowlers as well.

Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire, so we will never known for whom the Tells bowled.

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3 hours ago, King Of The Cat Cafe said:

New evidence has emerged that William Tell was not just a gifted archer, but he and his family were avid bowlers as well.

Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire, so we will never known for whom the Tells bowled.

 

Yas!

 

Good one.  I'll use it.

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15 hours ago, King Of The Cat Cafe said:

New evidence has emerged that William Tell was not just a gifted archer, but he and his family were avid bowlers as well.

Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire, so we will never known for whom the Tells bowled.

:phface:

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The next person to ask me for some orange juice, pineapple juice, cranberry juice and a slice of lemon all in the same glass is gonna get a punch.

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King Of The Cat Cafe

Since you can never have too many lawyer jokes, here's a few:

 

What's the difference between a dead lawyer in the road and a dead skunk in the road? There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

Why shouldn't you swerve to hit a lawyer on a bicycle? It might be your bicycle.

Dying man called his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside and had one stand on each side of his bed. The doctor said, "Why are we standing here like this?" The man said, "I want to die like Jesus did." The lawyer said, "What are you talking about, you're not being crucified." The man said, "No, I want to die between two thieves."

Engineer died and went to hell. Some time later, God called up Satan and asked how it was going down there. Satan said, "Hey, things are great down here! We've got an engineer here now and he's installed air conditioning and running water!" God said, "An engineer!? That's a mistake, you send him up here right now." Satan said, "No way, he's working on getting us electricity installed." God said, "I'll sue!" Satan sneered and said, "Where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

Man died and left a request in his will that his doctor, lawyer, and accountant put $100 in his coffin, as repayment for his years of loyal patronage. During the funeral service, the doctor says to the other two, "I'm ashamed to say I only put $50 in there." The accountant says, "I did the same." The lawyer says, "I'm shocked. I put a cheque for the full amount!"

Lawyer was going through the books and discovered than an elderly client had accidentally paid her bill twice, and immediately an ethical dilemma occurred to him: Should he tell his partner?

What should you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partner.

What's the difference between a shame and a tragedy? A shame is a bus full of lawyers going over a cliff. A tragedy is if there was an empty seat.

 

What is black, made of leather and looks good on a lawyer?  A doberman.

 

 What do you call 20,000 lawyers at the bottom of the sea?  A good start.

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3 hours ago, BarneyBattles said:

A frog goes into the bank. 

 

A teller calls him over ‘Good day sir, my name is Patricia Whack, how can I help you?’  

 

‘Hi’ says the frog ‘I’d like to borrow £10,000 please’. 

 

‘We can’t just dish out loans to anyone sir, tell me a bit about you and your circumstances ‘ says Patricia. 

 

The frog pulls out a small metal box and says ‘well I’m more than happy to give you this trinket as security against the loan, oh and my dad’s Mick Jagger’. 

 

‘That’s a ridiculous story sir, we can’t possibly grant the loan based on this nonsense, please leave before I call security ’ says Patricia.

 

The frog looks like he’s going to, er, kick off so the bank manager comes across to see what all the fuss is about. 

 

Patricia explains the circumstances and especially the small box that will serve as collateral for the loan.

 

The bank manager mulls it over, turns to Patricia and says..........

 

‘it’s Knick knack Patty Whack, give the frog a loan, his old man’s a rolling stone’. 

 

Well this is the shite joke thread isn’t it?!

 

Yes, but there is a limit.  :facepalm:

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I P Knightley
15 hours ago, King Of The Cat Cafe said:

Engineer died and went to hell. Some time later, God called up Satan and asked how it was going down there. Satan said, "Hey, things are great down here! We've got an engineer here now and he's installed air conditioning and running water!" God said, "An engineer!? That's a mistake, you send him up here right now." Satan said, "No way, he's working on getting us electricity installed." God said, "I'll sue!" Satan sneered and said, "Where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

How'd 'e get the air con running before installing electricity?

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Two Scottish blokes get chatting in a pub.

One tells the other that he is getting married soon and that he’ll be wearing a kilt.

The other bloke says ‘and what’s the tartan’?

’Oh she’ll be in a white dress’.

 

 

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Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning:
"Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back:
"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."

Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
"Computer really fecked up now.”
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King Of The Cat Cafe
3 hours ago, Maple Leaf said:
Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning:
"Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back:
"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."

Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
"Computer really fecked up now.”

 

Ha.  Very good

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Mods, I have a complaint about the thread getting off topic. The jokes posted today are not shite enough and genuinely made me laugh.

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Paddy is going really well on Who Wants to be a Millionaire. 
He's got to £500,000 with all his lifelines.

Chris: OK Paddy, for £1,000,000 which of the following was one of the Great Train Robbers was it:-

Ronnie Biggs
Ronnie O'Sullivan
Ronnie Corbett
Ronnie Wood

Take your time

Paddy: I'll take the money Chris

Chris: Are you sure, you've still got 3 lifelines

Paddy: I'm sure Chris,I'll take the money

Chris: OK audience give him a big round of applause, but before you go Paddy I'm sure you'd like to know the answer.

Paddy: I know the answer Chris.

Chris: You know the answer? You've just turned down a million quid, are you mad? are you mental?

Paddy: I may be mental Chris but I'm no feckin grass.

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Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet’s, when they struck up a conversation. The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and said: “So, why are you here?”

The yellow Lab replied: “I’m a pisser. I piss on everything….the sofa, the curtains, the cat and the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner’s bed.”

The black Lab said: “So what’s the vet going to do?”

“Gonna cut my nuts off,” came the reply from the yellow Lab.
“They reckon it’ll calm me down.”

The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked: “So, why are you here?”

The Black Lab said: “I’m a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees. I dig just for the hell of it. When I’m inside, I dig up the carpets, but I went over the line last night, when I dug a great big hole in my owners’ couch.”

“So what are they going to do to you ? ” the Yellow Lab enquired.
“Looks like I’m losing my nuts too,”  the dejected Black Lab said.

The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked: “Why are you here?”
“I’m a humper,” said the Great Dane. “I’ll hump anything. I’ll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts; I want to hump everything I see.”
Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn’t help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away.”

The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said: “So, it’s nuts off for you too, huh?”

The Great Dane said: “No. Apparently I’m here to get my nails clipped!”

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I went to a fancy dress shop to get a dracula costume and they gave me a hibs top!! I said I think you misheard me, I want to look like a count.

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A painter was doing a contract for a brewing company. His ladder was next to a 10000 litre open topped tank that was filled with beer. When he was at the top of the ladder he fell off and landed in the tank. As there was no obvious way to climb out he thought he could drink his way out to avoid drowning. However, he eventually drowned.

The police went to pass on the bad news to his wife. "Ma'am, were sorry to tell you but your husband was involved in am accident at work and has sadly passed away."

"What happened?" She asked whilst cry on her heart out.

"He fell off his ladder and drowned in a large tank of beer."

"Did he suffer?"

"We don't believe he did. He climbed out the tank 7 times to take a pish before he finally drowned."

 

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2 hours ago, superjack said:

A painter was doing a contract for a brewing company. His ladder was next to a 10000 litre open topped tank that was filled with beer. When he was at the top of the ladder he fell off and landed in the tank. As there was no obvious way to climb out he thought he could drink his way out to avoid drowning. However, he eventually drowned.

The police went to pass on the bad news to his wife. "Ma'am, were sorry to tell you but your husband was involved in am accident at work and has sadly passed away."

"What happened?" She asked whilst cry on her heart out.

"He fell off his ladder and drowned in a large tank of beer."

"Did he suffer?"

"We don't believe he did. He climbed out the tank 7 times to take a pish before he finally drowned."

 

Oh Jack!

 

:)

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Angus is an 80-year old Scot who goes to the doctor for his annual check-up.

The doctor says, "You're in amazing shape.  How do you do it?"

Angus replies, "I play a round of golf every day, followed by a dram of single malt."

Doctor says, "That's good but there must be more to it than that.  How old was your dad when he died?"

Angus: "Who says that he's dead?"

 

Doctor:  "Your father is still alive?  Well, how old is he?"

Angus: "He's 100, and he plays golf with me every day, and drinks a dram, just like me."

Doctor: "Incredible, but there must be more too it than that.  How old was your grandfather when he died?" 

Angus: "Who says he's dead?

 

Doctor: "He's still alive? Unbelievable! How old is he?"

Angus: "My grandad is 120-years old and still in great shape."

The doctor is now skeptical.  "And I suppose he played golf with you this morning?"

Angus:  "No. He missed the golf today as he was getting married."

Doctor: "Your grandad is 120-years old!  Why on earth would he want to get married?"

Angus: "Who says he wanted to?"

 

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11 hours ago, superjack said:

I went to a fancy dress shop to get a dracula costume and they gave me a hibs top!! I said I think you misheard me, I want to look like a count.

 

Superb ?

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King Of The Cat Cafe

There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin.

All three became pregnant.

The first two each had a baby boy.

The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys.

 This just goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.


 

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Guy's on holiday in Spain with the Mrs. They're sitting in a restaurant and the bloke orders the sweetbreads; waiter asks if he knows what sweetbreads are and the bloke replies 'Yeah, of course, they are bull's bollocks'. Fair enough thought the waiter and around 15 minutes later brought to the table 2 massive lumps of meat in a beautiful sauce. Guy loves them and tips the waiter accordingly saying they'd be back again tomorrow. 

They do indeed return the next day and the guy gets his massive 2 platefuls, and again is delighted with his meal.

Same thing happens for the next few days until the Friday when he orders the same dish. Plates arrive with 2 very small portions of meat so the guy's like 'feck this'. He calls the waiter over and demands an explanation as to the size of the portions compared to the previous few days.

The waiter looks at him and says 'Senor......................sometimes, the bull......................he win'.

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3 hours ago, JWL said:

Guy's on holiday in Spain with the Mrs. They're sitting in a restaurant and the bloke orders the sweetbreads; waiter asks if he knows what sweetbreads are and the bloke replies 'Yeah, of course, they are bull's bollocks'. Fair enough thought the waiter and around 15 minutes later brought to the table 2 massive lumps of meat in a beautiful sauce. Guy loves them and tips the waiter accordingly saying they'd be back again tomorrow. 

They do indeed return the next day and the guy gets his massive 2 platefuls, and again is delighted with his meal.

Same thing happens for the next few days until the Friday when he orders the same dish. Plates arrive with 2 very small portions of meat so the guy's like 'feck this'. He calls the waiter over and demands an explanation as to the size of the portions compared to the previous few days.

The waiter looks at him and says 'Senor......................sometimes, the bull......................he win'.

Already posted this. :seething:

 

Still, great joke. :jjyay: 

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14 hours ago, superjack said:

A painter was doing a contract for a brewing company. His ladder was next to a 10000 litre open topped tank that was filled with beer. When he was at the top of the ladder he fell off and landed in the tank. As there was no obvious way to climb out he thought he could drink his way out to avoid drowning. However, he eventually drowned.

The police went to pass on the bad news to his wife. "Ma'am, were sorry to tell you but your husband was involved in am accident at work and has sadly passed away."

"What happened?" She asked whilst cry on her heart out.

"He fell off his ladder and drowned in a large tank of beer."

"Did he suffer?"

"We don't believe he did. He climbed out the tank 7 times to take a pish before he finally drowned."

 

 

 

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John Gentleman

Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

 

A: An infinite number. It's the light bulb that has to want change.

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May have done this one already, but...

 

How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

 

Two, but it's really hard to get them in there.

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On 29/10/2017 at 10:10, superjack said:

I went to a fancy dress shop to get a dracula costume and they gave me a hibs top!! I said I think you misheard me, I want to look like a count.

 

2333550C-4B27-4371-AF5E-C9299F8F9C53.jpeg

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Brighton Jambo
On 13/09/2015 at 16:04, Meadows said:

Just found out I'm colour blind.

 

That was a bolt out of the yellow !

Genius, properly laughed out loud

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Late last night a policeman knocked on my door

I kept very quiet and locked the door

after twenty seconds he knocked again

I sat motionless and quiet and waited for him to go away

the knocks got louder and he peered in the window and shouted do you think I cant see you sitting there

Your not getting in here mate I said

He said I don't want to go in I want you to step out of the car.

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On 10/30/2017 at 21:03, superjack said:

I've started my own business building yachts in my attic.
Sails are going through the roof.

:)

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I went to the pet shop today and bought my wife a pug. Despite having a squashed face,  bulging eyes, rolls of fat and generally being as ugly as Lee Griffiths, the dog seems to like her.

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5 minutes ago, superjack said:

I went to the pet shop today and bought my wife a pug. Despite having a squashed face,  bulging eyes, rolls of fat and generally being as ugly as Lee Griffiths, the dog seems to like her.

Better Jack :thumb:

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